mountains into mole hills

enlightenment as i climb...

a while back my boys helped my grandfather to set off some bombs in his garden to deal with some pesky pets.

hmmmm [memory here],
it was the most interesting of summer days.

i think grandpa was as excited...maybe more....as the boys and he scampered off to the garden to blow up ...ahem, ...stuff!


anyhow, i have been thinking of all the mountains i create out of daily mole hills.

it seems that moles [in life] are consistent and CONSTANT in making their presence known. from the irritating opinion of a well-intended friend or family member to the irrational commentary too often offered, and of course the media and subliminal expectation of perfection advertised incessantly... dirt brought to the surface...for a purpose?

the one i struggle the most with is the voice inside my head,

which takes all this aforementioned input and grows it,
to full bloom.

it seems that i have accessed way too much fertilizer to keep those thoughts and ponderings healthy and growing.

yet... set aside what said fertilizer really is....poop.
what is the point of poop?
it's waste.

as such thoughts present,
WASTE should really
NOT
be used
to grow these
irritating opinion
and irrational commentary



fact: i spend way to much time
considering and giving power
to anothers opinion of me.

really....a WASTE of time.

insert wisdom here:

I AM GOOD ENOUGH

I am not restricted by old,
limiting beliefs from
my family, my friends, or from society.


Nobody can make you feel inferior
without your consent.
~Eleanor Roosevelt

No one can create negativity or stress within you.

Only you can do that by virtue of how you process your world.

No one can depress you.

No one can make you anxious.

No one can hurt your feelings.

No one can make you anything other that what you allow inside.


None of these are tried and tested, none proven [by me...yet],
and if I had scientifically tested these theory's,

they would still be theory,
theory: aka...my opinion.

However I believe each statement can be used to re-write the brains wrong.
Repeat daily, until re-wiring [righting] is effective and enough to empower the combatant of input [wrongs], also known as: daily tortures used to self-inflict beliefs that you are less than another, because you give another person power in their opinion.

WISDOM: Success is an inside job!

Being relaxed, at peace with yourself, confident, and emotionally neutral
---these are the keys to successful performance in almost everything you do.

If you want to find a deeper meaning in your life,
you can not find it in the OPINIONS

or the beLIEfs

that have been handed to you.

You have to go to that place within yourself.

Look for the meaning of YOUR life
withing YOURself!

Why I have ever given up
resident expert
to another person or persons is beyond me!

Resident expert is as said....resident.
The only resident of me is ME.


I decide what I allow in.
I decide what I process, and ponder, and keep.
I decide what I discard...[what is poop].
I decide what to grow.

WISDOM:

The person looking back at you
in the mirror is the
ONLY
one you have to answer to
every day.

so, back to mountains and mole hills. mole hills are created by moles...little well-intended furry creatures whose life's work is to incite rage and despair in gardeners, to cause havoc to the growth of potential nourishment.

innocently these little furry creatures are only doing what is best for their survival.

yet what they do is underground...in the dark.
moles; there is reason in the rhyme...making mountains out of mole hills...rather; be a mole, or climb a mountain...

moles are scrounge animals
and their work is viral to the gardeners garden.

...similarily are others well- [??] intended meddling and commentary...

[and i have been really troubled with the assumptions and the processing of others...havoc.]

i had forgotten this simple statement, this WISDOM:

...set aside the bad opinions....

One of the HIGHEST places you can get to
is to be
INDEPENDENT
of the GOOD OPINIONS
of other people.


...forget what others think GOOD
or BAD
of you...

What other people
think of me
is NONE of my business.


may i reap...only what i plant.

and further...may i use the fertilizer
[of lessons, of past experiences, of trials and errors]
to grow useful thoughts and ponderings;
healthy nourishment for my soul.

the rest is just...waste!

Big or little, mountain or mole hill. Doesn't matter.

What matters is within me;
my opinion, my belief.

so, these wisdoms, are my BOMBS....watch out little well-intended moles.

I have a mountain to climb.

Selena Gomez & The Scene - Who Says

.You made me insecure,
Told me I wasn't good enough.
But who are you to judge,
When you're a diamond in the rough.
I'm sure you got somethings,
You'd like to change about yourself.
But when it comes to me,
I wouldn't wanna be anybody else.


You've got every right,
To a beautiful life.
Come on!

Who says,
Who says you're not perfect,
Who says you're not worth it,
Who says you're the only one that's hurting,
Trust me,
That's the price of beauty,
Who says you're not pretty,
Who says your not beautiful,
Who says?

.I'm just beautiful me.

chEeRfuL is a cHoicE

checking in....
i have been really irritated...angry
and likely very difficult to be around.

in fact i may need a caution cone to wear as a hat.
[i think i said that somewhere before.]

someone said...ahem, ....that making a dayS goal was not ideal...it is definitely a ONE day at a time process....
[you were right. enjoy the glory....i don't often admit to being wrong....boo :( ]

generally, in truth to my nature...
when i make such a bold statement
i end up doing the EXACT opposite.
[something i am learning about myself]


I don't think I do it on purpose,
it just seems I allow myself to be jinxed.
over confident maybe...???

I can recall so many meetings with my bishop and other clergy saying WOW...I HAVE OVERCOME THIS...or THAT....and really feeling like I will NEVER be a problem for me again. We all have our challenges.

I feel the door hit me on the way out and I am immediately heading in the wrong direction, or at least headed down the road that I least expect....and most expect will find me stirring up trouble.

....arrrggghhhh WEAKNESS

ANyhoW, i am NOT being hard on myself....just recognizing that whatever it is I am dealing with and going through right now is REAL, and HARD, and MAXIMUM GROWTH POTENTIAL is right around the corner, ....i think. [i hope]


FACT: i have never experienced such ANGER.

RAGE....irrationality.

...it's insane, or maybe I am.

in general I am working on myself.

CHEERFUL IS A CHOICE!!!

I am working on Step 4: TRUTH ...although I have NOT mastered step 1: honesty....or step 3: TRUST in GOD. I feel a little better with step 2: HOPE.

this MORAL INVENTORY is kicking my butt.....and i am CHOOSING to be a pain in the BUTT...poor people around me.

The only step I am really good at is
step 13: REPEAT!!!
I have to be,
being I repeat the error of my ways so often.

Anyhow....i blogged a pretty cool rhetoric regarding my recent GRADUATION...suCceSs....i accomplished an associates degree in the meantime!

I haven't completely quit!!! ...on me.

...just keep trying,
choose to be cheerful,
choose to recover,
choose!

Pink - Perfect

do the 12 Step

I have come to acknowledge that while I have temptations and sin I do not have addictions.
This may well be good news, because I have control. Actually I should say imaginary control .

As if the very word control is as imaginary as it's meaning.  
There is really very little we control in this life.

For me it is not a matter of having to dabble in iniquities...it is a matter of feeling like once every 10 years really wont matter, forever, or for eternity.

Thus, confusion.

Do I or don't I work on this temptation?

I have even gone as far as being so honest with clergy.
I have never  
had a drink 
without discussing 
it with my Bishop.
The honesty is very important to me.
And when serving in callings 
I have kept the Word of Wisdom,
as is expected in my church.

So....understanding the difference between another's severe addictions and the patterns of destruction such addictions can cause, and my own struggle with iniquity because of God's laws, I am trying to determine why the 12 step program is important to me.

I suppose it can be summed up by saying
that I desire
to be in complete obedience
to all of the commandments
of which my church defers,
without subjection to
or
complication 
by
justification.

I have to have my own reasons, to compliment strict obedience.

Reason good enough for me include that of heartfelt desire that my own children never have to struggle with their own destruction through addiction, or less of addiction; temptation.

And while I don't feel that my dabbling in temptations is truly addiction now I have to wonder that it could become such.

Being the control freak that I am in my life
I should find desire
in wanting to maintain that control
and not ever hand it over to a substance.

Rambling, absolutely.
Point, Step 10. Daily Accountability.


In the original Twelve Steps of the Alcoholics Anonymous program this step is: Continued to take a personal inventory and when we are wrong promptly admitted it. [past tense]

In the 12 Step program through the LDS Family Service Recovery Program it is similar: Continue to take personal inventory, and when you are wrong, promptly admit it. [---now tense, past, present, future!]


The difference really between AA and 12 Step recovery is only that of a belief in the Atonement of Jesus Christ.

The higher power is Our Heavenly Father,
or God.
Either way, it works if you work it.

I do believe this program works something within a person.
It works on me and I find myself healing and content when I participate with an honest heart in wanting to heal. It keeps me from temptation 
because I will not make a mockery of the program, or of the people who are there to abstain from these addictions in their lives. 

In a sense the abstaining from addiction 
is the easy part for me.
The healing of my
tormented,
shattered,
brokenness
is the part
I 
struggle
with.

However, I quit on me easier than most people quit addiction.

I am stuck...on step two...Come to believe that a Power greater than ourselves [the Power of God] could restore us to sanity [to complete Spiritual health].

I can fully submit to Step One: admitting that I am helpless/powerless...controlled by compulsive/addictive/pathetic behaviors....my life is unmanageable emotionally.

...yikes!

I have been on step two for 5 plus years....maybe forever....

Thus I am comfortable
skipping through the program
and picking up on bits and pieces
where and when they feel workable.
One day at a time.

Back to my POINT: STEP 10.
Accountability...personal inventory.
That is what this rambling is about.

This is my start.

I want to feel accomplished and this is my first Step.

Making a personal inventory begins with me acknowledging that in my emotionally unmanageable daily life I need help. I need support. I need a sponsor. I need AA and 12 Step, daily.

90 minute [daily] meetings, 30 days.

90/30.

That is my goal. I will do best to make a meeting everyday, or 90 minutes of personal 12 Step work, for 30 days.

With this commitment to my healing I will make Step 10 a new habit.
[I am pretty good at habits!]

I am ready for a new way of living. I have a desire for peace. I believe that with humility that Heavenly Father can do more for me than I can do for myself, and that as I turn my life over to him that healing is possible.

Quotes from the LDS Family Services Addiction Recovery Program:

"If you are worried, self-pitying, troubled, anxious, resentful, carnal minded, or fearful in any way, turn immediately to the Father and allow Him to replace these thoughts with peace."

"Be especially alert for old behaviors or thinking patterns during highly stressful situations."

I think that the loss of my Mother
fits here as a highly stressful situation.
And I do not want to turn to any
old negative thinking patterns.
...is
obviously
not
the ideal solution.

"You can say to yourself in a moment of crisis,
'What character weakness in me is being triggered?'
The Lord has all power. 'I'll relax and trust Him'. "


Who am I?
I am a Child of God that is powerless without my Saviors help.
I surrender my will, my life, to Him.
I am suffering the pains of growing up, with others along my path

[suffering their own growing pains].

We are all in this together.
When others hurt my feelings
or offend me because of their opinions
I can choose to not take their behavior
or comments
personally and recognize
that I am only responsible
for my reaction to their behavior.

My response is to be loving, 
tolerant, and forgiving.

I form an entity between me
and the behavior of others,
or the trials I may suffer.

That entity is a shield of Faith, Belief, Love and partnership with Jesus Christ.

I can respond differently to others
and to life calamities,
it is my choice.

As I seek to stay on this well-beaten path of healing and hope I will have peace in the storm.

I will cease to chase after
what I want
and chase after the will of God
for me in my life.

I can set-up boundaries that will protect me from the pain of others opinions, I can go to meetings, I can take care of myself so that I can take care of my family and loved ones.

I can create good habits. Habits including prayer, pondering, peace.

I want to be a whole person. My goal starts with one day at a time, one moment of each day. Further I want to achieve 30 days, then 60, and finally 90/90.

Ninety minute meetings/prayer/pondering daily
times 90 days:
success!

Three G's:
Get off your back!
Get out of the Lord's way!
Get a life!

Rather than my trying to solve others problems I can turn them over to the Lord. I trust He will do far better for them than anything I could do. I will turn to Him in prayer as I feel love for those in my life. He knows them, their needs, and how to succor them far better than I. He knows me, my needs, my irritants, my weaknesses; He knows how to succor me, to strengthen me, and to soothe my every pain.

Even in my trembling,
He is the only antidote for peace.

I believe that we are accompanied by angels, and fed by help from the other side. I know that He has not forsaken me, even in my loneliest moment.


Step 10: this is my today.
My first step in healing; in wholeness, well being and health, emotional, physical, spiritual, and mental.

I will Choose to Recover.

To be renewed.

I am taking one STEP in the right direction.