do the 12 Step

I have come to acknowledge that while I have temptations and sin I do not have addictions.
This may well be good news, because I have control. Actually I should say imaginary control .

As if the very word control is as imaginary as it's meaning.  
There is really very little we control in this life.

For me it is not a matter of having to dabble in iniquities...it is a matter of feeling like once every 10 years really wont matter, forever, or for eternity.

Thus, confusion.

Do I or don't I work on this temptation?

I have even gone as far as being so honest with clergy.
I have never  
had a drink 
without discussing 
it with my Bishop.
The honesty is very important to me.
And when serving in callings 
I have kept the Word of Wisdom,
as is expected in my church.

So....understanding the difference between another's severe addictions and the patterns of destruction such addictions can cause, and my own struggle with iniquity because of God's laws, I am trying to determine why the 12 step program is important to me.

I suppose it can be summed up by saying
that I desire
to be in complete obedience
to all of the commandments
of which my church defers,
without subjection to
or
complication 
by
justification.

I have to have my own reasons, to compliment strict obedience.

Reason good enough for me include that of heartfelt desire that my own children never have to struggle with their own destruction through addiction, or less of addiction; temptation.

And while I don't feel that my dabbling in temptations is truly addiction now I have to wonder that it could become such.

Being the control freak that I am in my life
I should find desire
in wanting to maintain that control
and not ever hand it over to a substance.

Rambling, absolutely.
Point, Step 10. Daily Accountability.


In the original Twelve Steps of the Alcoholics Anonymous program this step is: Continued to take a personal inventory and when we are wrong promptly admitted it. [past tense]

In the 12 Step program through the LDS Family Service Recovery Program it is similar: Continue to take personal inventory, and when you are wrong, promptly admit it. [---now tense, past, present, future!]


The difference really between AA and 12 Step recovery is only that of a belief in the Atonement of Jesus Christ.

The higher power is Our Heavenly Father,
or God.
Either way, it works if you work it.

I do believe this program works something within a person.
It works on me and I find myself healing and content when I participate with an honest heart in wanting to heal. It keeps me from temptation 
because I will not make a mockery of the program, or of the people who are there to abstain from these addictions in their lives. 

In a sense the abstaining from addiction 
is the easy part for me.
The healing of my
tormented,
shattered,
brokenness
is the part
I 
struggle
with.

However, I quit on me easier than most people quit addiction.

I am stuck...on step two...Come to believe that a Power greater than ourselves [the Power of God] could restore us to sanity [to complete Spiritual health].

I can fully submit to Step One: admitting that I am helpless/powerless...controlled by compulsive/addictive/pathetic behaviors....my life is unmanageable emotionally.

...yikes!

I have been on step two for 5 plus years....maybe forever....

Thus I am comfortable
skipping through the program
and picking up on bits and pieces
where and when they feel workable.
One day at a time.

Back to my POINT: STEP 10.
Accountability...personal inventory.
That is what this rambling is about.

This is my start.

I want to feel accomplished and this is my first Step.

Making a personal inventory begins with me acknowledging that in my emotionally unmanageable daily life I need help. I need support. I need a sponsor. I need AA and 12 Step, daily.

90 minute [daily] meetings, 30 days.

90/30.

That is my goal. I will do best to make a meeting everyday, or 90 minutes of personal 12 Step work, for 30 days.

With this commitment to my healing I will make Step 10 a new habit.
[I am pretty good at habits!]

I am ready for a new way of living. I have a desire for peace. I believe that with humility that Heavenly Father can do more for me than I can do for myself, and that as I turn my life over to him that healing is possible.

Quotes from the LDS Family Services Addiction Recovery Program:

"If you are worried, self-pitying, troubled, anxious, resentful, carnal minded, or fearful in any way, turn immediately to the Father and allow Him to replace these thoughts with peace."

"Be especially alert for old behaviors or thinking patterns during highly stressful situations."

I think that the loss of my Mother
fits here as a highly stressful situation.
And I do not want to turn to any
old negative thinking patterns.
...is
obviously
not
the ideal solution.

"You can say to yourself in a moment of crisis,
'What character weakness in me is being triggered?'
The Lord has all power. 'I'll relax and trust Him'. "


Who am I?
I am a Child of God that is powerless without my Saviors help.
I surrender my will, my life, to Him.
I am suffering the pains of growing up, with others along my path

[suffering their own growing pains].

We are all in this together.
When others hurt my feelings
or offend me because of their opinions
I can choose to not take their behavior
or comments
personally and recognize
that I am only responsible
for my reaction to their behavior.

My response is to be loving, 
tolerant, and forgiving.

I form an entity between me
and the behavior of others,
or the trials I may suffer.

That entity is a shield of Faith, Belief, Love and partnership with Jesus Christ.

I can respond differently to others
and to life calamities,
it is my choice.

As I seek to stay on this well-beaten path of healing and hope I will have peace in the storm.

I will cease to chase after
what I want
and chase after the will of God
for me in my life.

I can set-up boundaries that will protect me from the pain of others opinions, I can go to meetings, I can take care of myself so that I can take care of my family and loved ones.

I can create good habits. Habits including prayer, pondering, peace.

I want to be a whole person. My goal starts with one day at a time, one moment of each day. Further I want to achieve 30 days, then 60, and finally 90/90.

Ninety minute meetings/prayer/pondering daily
times 90 days:
success!

Three G's:
Get off your back!
Get out of the Lord's way!
Get a life!

Rather than my trying to solve others problems I can turn them over to the Lord. I trust He will do far better for them than anything I could do. I will turn to Him in prayer as I feel love for those in my life. He knows them, their needs, and how to succor them far better than I. He knows me, my needs, my irritants, my weaknesses; He knows how to succor me, to strengthen me, and to soothe my every pain.

Even in my trembling,
He is the only antidote for peace.

I believe that we are accompanied by angels, and fed by help from the other side. I know that He has not forsaken me, even in my loneliest moment.


Step 10: this is my today.
My first step in healing; in wholeness, well being and health, emotional, physical, spiritual, and mental.

I will Choose to Recover.

To be renewed.

I am taking one STEP in the right direction.