come into my closet, come under my bed, where you'll find me hiding,
the fear in my head.

abuse in the past, now, where do i start, making my future,
healing my heart.

crushed, and broken, falling fast-
needing comfort, make it last.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

do the 12 Step



I have come to acknowledge that while I have temptations and sin I do not have addictions.
This may well be good news, because I have control. Actually I should say imaginary control .

As if the very word control is as imaginary as it's meaning.  
There is really very little we control in this life.

For me it is not a matter of having to dabble in iniquities...it is a matter of feeling like once every 10 years really wont matter, forever, or for eternity.

Thus, confusion.

Do I or don't I work on this temptation?

I have even gone as far as being so honest with clergy.
I have never  
had a drink 
without discussing 
it with my Bishop.
The honesty is very important to me.
And when serving in callings 
I have kept the Word of Wisdom,
as is expected in my church.


So....understanding the difference between another's severe addictions and the patterns of destruction such addictions can cause, and my own struggle with iniquity because of God's laws, I am trying to determine why the 12 step program is important to me.

I suppose it can be summed up by saying
that I desire
to be in complete obedience
to all of the commandments
of which my church defers,
without subjection to
or
complication 

by
justification.

I have to have my own reasons, to compliment strict obedience.

Reason good enough for me include that of heartfelt desire that my own children never have to struggle with their own destruction through addiction, or less of addiction; temptation.

And while I don't feel that my dabbling in temptations is truly addiction now I have to wonder that it could become such.

Being the control freak that I am in my life
I should find desire
in wanting to maintain that control
and not ever hand it over to a substance.


Rambling, absolutely.
Point, Step 10. Daily Accountability.



In the original Twelve Steps of the Alcoholics Anonymous program this step is: Continued to take a personal inventory and when we are wrong promptly admitted it. [past tense]

In the 12 Step program through the LDS Family Service Recovery Program it is similar: Continue to take personal inventory, and when you are wrong, promptly admit it. [---now tense, past, present, future!]


The difference really between AA and 12 Step recovery is only that of a belief in the Atonement of Jesus Christ.

The higher power is Our Heavenly Father,
or God.
Either way, it works if you work it.


I do believe this program works something within a person.
It works on me and I find myself healing and content when I participate with an honest heart in wanting to heal. It keeps me from temptation 

because I will not make a mockery of the program, or of the people who are there to abstain from these addictions in their lives. 
In a sense the abstaining from addiction 
is the easy part for me.
The healing of my
tormented,
shattered,
brokenness

is the part

struggle
with.

However, I quit on me easier than most people quit addiction.


I am stuck...on step two...Come to believe that a Power greater than ourselves [the Power of God] could restore us to sanity [to complete Spiritual health].

I can fully submit to Step One: admitting that I am helpless/powerless...controlled by compulsive/addictive/pathetic behaviors....my life is unmanageable emotionally.

...yikes!

I have been on step two for 5 plus years....maybe forever....

Thus I am comfortable
skipping through the program
and picking up on bits and pieces
where and when they feel workable.
One day at a time.

Back to my POINT: STEP 10.
Accountability...personal inventory.
That is what this rambling is about.

This is my start.

I want to feel accomplished and this is my first Step.

Making a personal inventory begins with me acknowledging that in my emotionally unmanageable daily life I need help. I need support. I need a sponsor. I need AA and 12 Step, daily.

90 minute [daily] meetings, 30 days.


90/30.

That is my goal. I will do best to make a meeting everyday, or 90 minutes of personal 12 Step work, for 30 days.

With this commitment to my healing I will make Step 10 a new habit.
[I am pretty good at habits!]

I am ready for a new way of living. I have a desire for peace. I believe that with humility that Heavenly Father can do more for me than I can do for myself, and that as I turn my life over to him that healing is possible.

Quotes from the LDS Family Services Addiction Recovery Program:

"If you are worried, self-pitying, troubled, anxious, resentful, carnal minded, or fearful in any way, turn immediately to the Father and allow Him to replace these thoughts with peace."

"Be especially alert for old behaviors or thinking patterns during highly stressful situations."

I think that the loss of my Mother
fits here as a highly stressful situation.
And I do not want to turn to any
old negative thinking patterns.
...is
obviously
not
the ideal solution.


"You can say to yourself in a moment of crisis,
'What character weakness in me is being triggered?'
The Lord has all power. 'I'll relax and trust Him'.
"


Who am I?
I am a Child of God that is powerless without my Saviors help.
I surrender my will, my life, to Him.
I am suffering the pains of growing up, with others along my path

[suffering their own growing pains].


We are all in this together.
When others hurt my feelings
or offend me because of their opinions
I can choose to not take their behavior
or comments
personally and recognize
that I am only responsible
for my reaction to their behavior.

My response is to be loving, 

tolerant, and forgiving.
I form an entity between me
and the behavior of others,
or the trials I may suffer.

That entity is a shield of Faith, Belief, Love and partnership with Jesus Christ.

I can respond differently to others
and to life calamities,
it is my choice.

As I seek to stay on this well-beaten path of healing and hope I will have peace in the storm.

I will cease to chase after
what I want

and chase after the will of God
for me in my life.

I can set-up boundaries that will protect me from the pain of others opinions, I can go to meetings, I can take care of myself so that I can take care of my family and loved ones.

I can create good habits. Habits including prayer, pondering, peace.

I want to be a whole person. My goal starts with one day at a time, one moment of each day. Further I want to achieve 30 days, then 60, and finally 90/90.


Ninety minute meetings/prayer/pondering daily
times 90 days:
success!


Three G's:
Get off your back!
Get out of the Lord's way!
Get a life!


Rather than my trying to solve others problems I can turn them over to the Lord. I trust He will do far better for them than anything I could do. I will turn to Him in prayer as I feel love for those in my life. He knows them, their needs, and how to succor them far better than I. He knows me, my needs, my irritants, my weaknesses; He knows how to succor me, to strengthen me, and to soothe my every pain.

Even in my trembling,
He is the only antidote for peace.

I believe that we are accompanied by angels, and fed by help from the other side. I know that He has not forsaken me, even in my loneliest moment.


Step 10: this is my today.
My first step in healing; in wholeness, well being and health, emotional, physical, spiritual, and mental.

I will Choose to Recover.


To be renewed.

I am taking one STEP in the right direction.

2 comments:

Steve E said...

WOW! Mile, a VERY interesting post. A couple things, from my experience--in NO way suggesting to you how to "do it", Okay?

For me, and for many, stopping was easy--Gawd, I did it every day for 20-25 years. To STAY stopped--that is the larger order. Anyway, drinking is not the real problem of alcoholics. It is LIVING--THAT'S the problem. Living without those crutches of drugs and alc.

2. I could never say I'd do something for a given number of days. ONE day,that's what I could handle. Before I knew it, I was in a habit (me also a "habit" Peep!) and lo and behold, it was a year of no drinking, etc. WHAT a revelation!

3. I had to work a program written by and FOR alcoholics, by Peeps who had BEEN there, DONE that. My church also has a 'program'. But it is more of a "How nice. He doesn't drink any more" kinda thing.
They seem to have no 'feel for' the physical compulsion, mental obsession nor that (after the first drink) craving for more. I always wanted MORE--still do--more of ANYTHING which makes me feel good. And THAT is why I continue to go to meetings.
So THERE--grin!!!

Stacie, I hope this did not sound TOO much like preaching, but when I am on MY favorite topic (Alcoholism) it is trouble to slow down the truck!!!

You sound like you're going to be fine. Nothing comes in a day, or a week, but that inner peace we all need, comes as a gift from God, as THE result of working the first 11 steps. Here now IS some advice. Get yourself a good hard-assed sponsor (girl!), call her every day (stay in touch), and I believe it's good to keep writing about it, how you're doing, how you REALLY feel. I'll TRY not to be so lengthy next time...but no promises!
PEACE!

TC said...

Good for you. Whether people use AA or whatever it is, a single step is the most important, in my opinion. Lots of single steps lead to big changes. Even my friends without addiction histories have addiction tendencies. We're all just trying to grow one step at a time, no matter what it is.

who I was, who I am, who I plan to be...

i am trying to heal from severe childhood sexual, emotional,
physical, and mental abuse; and abandonment.


this is my story.

i have good and bad days, and some days the odds seem insurmountable.
i cling to the hope that healing will come to mend the shatter pieces of my heart, mind and body.


mile 191, well, you will understand as you read along.
mile 191, portions of my past have a link on the top right.
mile 191, bottoms up. hears to you and to me.


please, if you know me, just let me know you found me. i need honesty. (and please do not use personal names)
if you want to follow my story, please try to heal with me.
if you want to share with me, please do.
i will post bits of my pain as i can, and leave it here.
i once thought that i would publish...i haven't had the courage.


this is my closet, you are welcome to come in.
just know this is my refuge, healing takes place here,
maybe it will be a refuge to you too.


Quotes from Suvivors United - Standing Strong Together Against Abuse

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.
Eleanor Roosevelt

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
Helen Keller

Success is not to be measured by the position someone has reached in life, but the obstacles he has overcome while trying to succeed.
Booker T. Washington

When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard, ' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'
Sydney Harris

Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.
Richard L. Evans

Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.
Joshua J. Marine


What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thanks CORNUT32! ♥



What a sweet award....and thanks for creating something so wonderful that can be passed along to bloggers who are indeed making a difference by sharing their lives.

I invite all my faithful and dear blogger friends to take this award. You indeed have made a difference in my life.

Thank you so much for being with me on my journey to heal....mile 191