come into my closet, come under my bed, where you'll find me hiding,
the fear in my head.

abuse in the past, now, where do i start, making my future,
healing my heart.

crushed, and broken, falling fast-
needing comfort, make it last.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Me Again...

Today my brother in law's facebook setting said:

...thru all of lifes up's and down's I have learned one thing, it is how we deal with them that really matters...

This really struck me.

I really needed to hear those words. I have been reading a little and came across this:

" not allow yourselves to be made to feel inadequate or frustrated because you cannot do everything others seem to be accomplishing. Rather, each should assess her own situation, her own energy, and her own talents, and then choose the best way to mold her family into a team, a unit that works together and supports each other.

Only you and your Father in Heaven know your needs, strengths, and desires.

Around this knowledge your personal course must be charted and your choices made.”

- Marvin J. Ashton, “Choose the Good Part,” Ensign (CR), May 1984, p. 9

I am so good at telling others that it is okay for them to be who they are, and to take time to heal, and to be patient, and to allow themselves the right to feel the way that they do.

I am so good at not judging the condition of others homes, the choices they make with their children, and their personal desires. I have been told many times that I am a good listener, and that I really help others to feel better about themselves.

I am so NOT good at letting myself take the time to heal, at letting myself grieve without judgment, letting myself feel what I feel.

I wake up criticizing myself for the condition of my house, or my impatience with my children. I wake up thinking that I will do just one thing to make our circumstances brighter.

I go to bed criticizing myself for the condition of my house, my impatience again with my children. Thinking about all the things that I didn't do, and realizing that the only way to make my circumstances brighter is for me to KNOCK IT OFF.

I have got to stop being so critical of myself.

I know that it is not fun for my kids, for my husband, and certainly it is not fun for me.

I pick myself apart, and then do nothing about it, and then pick myself apart about that.

This quote today got me thinking....I have got to be nicer to myself, and take more of an interest in my family, my kids, or I will loose them, all the while losing opportunities to make better memories so that they will look back on childhood, and their mother, and say:

we had the best of times, we had the worst of times, but those were the times!

...thru all of lifes up's and down's I have learned one thing, it is how we deal with them that really matters...

Depression hurts, it is such an awful, achey breaking circumstances for the person and for those who love that person. This is my confession today, thanks for listening. Sorry to have such long breaks in between, but that is life right now. I am doing the best that I can to be where I need to be. Our computer has had problems,....and can't say that it is all better yet, but here I am, today, right now, and hoping to go to bed tonight feeling like I did some good in my world today.


mile191 said...

vICkI IN az: I responded to your comment in my comments of the post 'naked', the one you asked me the question. hugs to you dear, hope your find a healing place:

Cat said...

Aw Jess - depression is so freaking dark and hard and cold. I think you should go easy on yourself and do what you can each day and if you cannot do it all - remind yourself that you always have tomorrow.

Clean slate and all that - I know of course easier for me to say than to actually grasp especially when in the throes of the darkness...

Much love my friend.

Just Be Real said...

Gods mercies are new every morning. I hold tight to that to help me dear one.

Here listening

SapphireDreams said...

Aww hang in there! We are all our own worst enemy. Sometimes I have days that I just want to kick myself in the ass. Then there are the good days that I realze I am making progress and I am much easier on myself. Get ome rest and I hope you feel better soon.

Steve E. said...

I'm still here. Thank you, mile, for so much you have taught me--that is the truth.

VICKI IN AZ said...

Love this post!!!
I found your answer, thank you, I needed to hear that.
I love Elder Ashton, he is so kind I am sure he is on the other side of the veil helping others heal.
I am following both your blogs on my reader and now I am trying to figure out how they are not appearing on my Blog. I wanted to respect your privacy here in the closet if you don't want that one shown.
I still haven't figured out how to have a private blog? I am sure that I will. Thank you for your help!

VICKI IN AZ said...

Me again too!
Hey I figured out what I wasn't doing to get you to show up on my blog list. Is it fine with you to have your more private one on there or would you rather just have it on my private blog?
I am not trying to be obsessive here just sensitive. The way I see it Cornuts etc. where I found you {tender mercy} well, she doesn't have teenage children etc.
I promise not to always be such a pain ;)

Prayer Girl said...

Depression is a killer. I've been there and done that. It colors everything black. I was unable to lift myself up out of it without a lot of help. I allowed God to lead me to the things and people necessary for me to get better.

Part of that terrible darkness is the constant self-criticism, self-judgment, and my self-censorship.

After I was brought out of my deep depression (a long time ago), I was then able to begin trying new behaviors. In more recent years I used this affirmation that helped me a great deal. It is not in the proper format for an affirmation, but it sure worked....

This is it: "I do not judge, criticize, or censor harshly what I think, say, and do".

I repeated it every day for a long time. This was a big defect standing between me and my ability to be used by God that needed fixing. IT WORKED! This and lots of other actions later, I'm much better.

Love and prayers,
Prayer Girl

Saving Grace said...

I'm a bit delayed in my reading...and I wanted to comment on this post.
I couldn't agree more with your comments about giving the advice to others that we refuse to accept for ourselves. The only explanation I can come up with for that is that we are inside our own head, as well as hearing the negative voices of "others" and for some reason we think everyone else is worthy of healing, and of patience and understanding...and we are not.
I don't know why that is...but I hope to eventually figure it out.
Take gentle care of you, ~ Grace

Peter Stone said...

Thanks for sharing this post.

Took me years to learn to live within my energy reserves and abilities.

As for being overly critical of yourself, that's a normal part of depression. (Been there...) We need to keep remembering to be patient with ourselves, and never look back at what we used to be like and criticise ourselves for not being like that at the moment.

God bless.

VICKI IN AZ said...

Hey mile,
Missing you so I am going back trying to get to know you better.
I remember how helpful you have been to me and the support I feel just knowing you are there.
This post is so how it is!!!
You really get me!
I don't know if being hard on yourself is something you are struggling with right now, but I wanted to send love your way and say be kind, hit the reset if you are being hard on yourself.
Heavenly Father and Jesus have all the time you need. You are worth everything... You are precious...
You will make it!!
I love you.

who I was, who I am, who I plan to be...

i am trying to heal from severe childhood sexual, emotional,
physical, and mental abuse; and abandonment.

this is my story.

i have good and bad days, and some days the odds seem insurmountable.
i cling to the hope that healing will come to mend the shatter pieces of my heart, mind and body.

mile 191, well, you will understand as you read along.
mile 191, portions of my past have a link on the top right.
mile 191, bottoms up. hears to you and to me.

please, if you know me, just let me know you found me. i need honesty. (and please do not use personal names)
if you want to follow my story, please try to heal with me.
if you want to share with me, please do.
i will post bits of my pain as i can, and leave it here.
i once thought that i would publish...i haven't had the courage.

this is my closet, you are welcome to come in.
just know this is my refuge, healing takes place here,
maybe it will be a refuge to you too.

Quotes from Suvivors United - Standing Strong Together Against Abuse

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.
Eleanor Roosevelt

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
Helen Keller

Success is not to be measured by the position someone has reached in life, but the obstacles he has overcome while trying to succeed.
Booker T. Washington

When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard, ' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'
Sydney Harris

Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.
Richard L. Evans

Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.
Joshua J. Marine

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thanks CORNUT32! ♥

What a sweet award....and thanks for creating something so wonderful that can be passed along to bloggers who are indeed making a difference by sharing their lives.

I invite all my faithful and dear blogger friends to take this award. You indeed have made a difference in my life.

Thank you so much for being with me on my journey to heal....mile 191