i dream, she wants to go home. she begs me. i finally let go. i miss her. could i have done something different...anything? could i have made her well. this nightmare is not just when i am asleep. i wake up and remember. it is real. it plagues my mind, my heart, my soul. i regret everything, i question everything. i am certain i could have done something different.
this trembling is more than i imagined. the hurt is greater than anything i have ever felt. i am sure it will be better tomorrow, and tomorrow comes and it feels worse. i want to smile, to suffocate these feelings with joy, happiness, gratitude for all i have, ...left. but it feels so permanant, it is. she is dead, gone, and there is no fighting to have her back this time. nothing i can do. but cry. but i can't, because someone will see.
i don't understand this pain. it's desperate, and lonely, and chaotic, and laced with anger. i have lost her before. it shouldn't feel this bad. this time is worse. i miss her too much. i want to sleep, without dreaming.