i dream, she wants to go home. she begs me. i finally let go. i miss her. could i have done something different...anything? could i have made her well. this nightmare is not just when i am asleep. i wake up and remember. it is real. it plagues my mind, my heart, my soul. i regret everything, i question everything. i am certain i could have done something different.
this trembling is more than i imagined. the hurt is greater than anything i have ever felt. i am sure it will be better tomorrow, and tomorrow comes and it feels worse. i want to smile, to suffocate these feelings with joy, happiness, gratitude for all i have, ...left. but it feels so permanant, it is. she is dead, gone, and there is no fighting to have her back this time. nothing i can do. but cry. but i can't, because someone will see.
i don't understand this pain. it's desperate, and lonely, and chaotic, and laced with anger. i have lost her before. it shouldn't feel this bad. this time is worse. i miss her too much. i want to sleep, without dreaming.
3 comments:
Stacie, I am not a counselor, as you know! But I can tell you this. My daughter was her Mom's caregiver through months of terrible cancers--everywhere.
After her mother (my third wife) finally died, Daughter had those thoughts almost constantly, of which kind you write. They made her unproductive at work, school, and especially at home. She kept blaming herself, as in, "What else should I have done. Could it have been easier--better, for my Mom"
Her mother died in March 2010, and it has taken her daughter one whole year to make ANY noticeable progress.
Just wanted you to know--again--that you are NOT ALONE!
Hope you sleep peacefully tonight!
Love and PEACE!
Just to let you know, we are still out here--or there--or everywhere--praying that you somehow ease into (little-by-little) letting go, and letting God.
If you don't believe in a loving God, then "let go and let the Universe".
Stacie, for most of us--me, too--grin! Life is NOT easy. It is B I G though!
Love and PEACE!
Steve E
thanks steve friend. you really never leave me alone in my closet. i went.
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