come into my closet, come under my bed, where you'll find me hiding,
the fear in my head.

abuse in the past, now, where do i start, making my future,
healing my heart.

crushed, and broken, falling fast-
needing comfort, make it last.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

NEW: nightmares

i dream, she wants to go home. she begs me. i finally let go. i miss her. could i have done something different...anything? could i have made her well. this nightmare is not just when i am asleep. i wake up and remember. it is real. it plagues my mind, my heart, my soul. i regret everything, i question everything. i am certain i could have done something different.

this trembling is more than i imagined. the hurt is greater than anything i have ever felt. i am sure it will be better tomorrow, and tomorrow comes and it feels worse. i want to smile, to suffocate these feelings with joy, happiness, gratitude for all i have, ...left. but it feels so permanant, it is. she is dead, gone, and there is no fighting to have her back this time. nothing i can do. but cry. but i can't, because someone will see.

i don't understand this pain. it's desperate, and lonely, and chaotic, and laced with anger. i have lost her before. it shouldn't feel this bad. this time is worse. i miss her too much. i want to sleep, without dreaming.


Steve E said...

Stacie, I am not a counselor, as you know! But I can tell you this. My daughter was her Mom's caregiver through months of terrible cancers--everywhere.

After her mother (my third wife) finally died, Daughter had those thoughts almost constantly, of which kind you write. They made her unproductive at work, school, and especially at home. She kept blaming herself, as in, "What else should I have done. Could it have been easier--better, for my Mom"

Her mother died in March 2010, and it has taken her daughter one whole year to make ANY noticeable progress.

Just wanted you to know--again--that you are NOT ALONE!

Hope you sleep peacefully tonight!
Love and PEACE!

Steve E said...

Just to let you know, we are still out here--or there--or everywhere--praying that you somehow ease into (little-by-little) letting go, and letting God.

If you don't believe in a loving God, then "let go and let the Universe".

Stacie, for most of us--me, too--grin! Life is NOT easy. It is B I G though!
Love and PEACE!
Steve E

mile191 said...

thanks steve friend. you really never leave me alone in my closet. i went.

who I was, who I am, who I plan to be...

i am trying to heal from severe childhood sexual, emotional,
physical, and mental abuse; and abandonment.

this is my story.

i have good and bad days, and some days the odds seem insurmountable.
i cling to the hope that healing will come to mend the shatter pieces of my heart, mind and body.

mile 191, well, you will understand as you read along.
mile 191, portions of my past have a link on the top right.
mile 191, bottoms up. hears to you and to me.

please, if you know me, just let me know you found me. i need honesty. (and please do not use personal names)
if you want to follow my story, please try to heal with me.
if you want to share with me, please do.
i will post bits of my pain as i can, and leave it here.
i once thought that i would publish...i haven't had the courage.

this is my closet, you are welcome to come in.
just know this is my refuge, healing takes place here,
maybe it will be a refuge to you too.

Quotes from Suvivors United - Standing Strong Together Against Abuse

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.
Eleanor Roosevelt

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
Helen Keller

Success is not to be measured by the position someone has reached in life, but the obstacles he has overcome while trying to succeed.
Booker T. Washington

When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard, ' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'
Sydney Harris

Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.
Richard L. Evans

Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.
Joshua J. Marine

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thanks CORNUT32! ♥

What a sweet award....and thanks for creating something so wonderful that can be passed along to bloggers who are indeed making a difference by sharing their lives.

I invite all my faithful and dear blogger friends to take this award. You indeed have made a difference in my life.

Thank you so much for being with me on my journey to heal....mile 191