help wanted

i slept!

it is really exciting enough to exclamation point!!

i probably don't have to explain, but survivors often find themselves wrecked with body memories and night terror when experiencing what i felt with yesterdays situation.

so i am thrilled to say i slept.

yes, steve E. my friend :) see comments (: has been with me reading since the beginning, and thus he and many other friends here have heard me and have held my hurts with me in private places of their hearts. because you have heard me you have held me and i am healing.

i know that prayer was huge for me last night. as i prayed and kept my prayers focused on her hurts, this woman who opened up to me. i prayed for her and i felt i was also praying for many of you who stop by here, and whose places of healing and hope i tread.

i also felt a prayer for the child in me still trying to heal. i felt that i was her grown-up praying for a healing peace for her, for me. and somehow in the night i got that.

i am LDS. morman. also i enjoy Buddha and tao of pooh, and other taoisms, anything peaceful which bears witness of His peace and comfort as is available to me. i am a 12 stepper and find help and hopes there. but last night i turned my thoughts to St. Anthony.

my Great Great Great Grandmother Sarah was catholic, before joining the Mormon religion over in Ireland. yep, fiery irish catholic turned mormon. i feel her blood run thick through me. her stubborn blood. lol

St. Anthony's Feast Day is June 13, however his watchful peace can be invoked anytime. The Catholic feel that it is important to emulate this servant of God in our love helping others. He gave sermons of Christ eight centuries ago and his sermons were so inspiring that they spread throughout France and Italy for 10 years until his death.

St. Anthony of Padua (1195 - 1231), patron of the poor. People prayed to ask for help particularly to find lost or stolen items.

This is where my devotion comes in. I have a pendant and I wear it very often. My prayer for my lost, my stolen; childhood and innocence.

See, even yesterday, as I stood, apparently my frozen fear looked more like a pillar of strength to my husband. Yet, I was able to listen, and to look in her eyes, and see her own strength. She did need someone to listen to her, and I did. I didn't solve or even try to comfort, sadly. Only saying I was so sorry that she went through all that. She replied to me that she felt strong and found that she was able to handle a lot more than she ever thought. It was awful but she somehow felt protected from the destruction of it. I told her that I could see that strength in her and she seemed really empowered. She also felt that and knew that it was He who gives us all blessing that was giving her comfort. Yesterday I forgot that part. I forgot how I was able to see that in her and that I felt it too. He does that for us. They do; Our Father and Jesus Christ.

As I went to sleep last night I read some of St. Anthony's prayer. I left my pendant on. I prayed to my Heavenly Father. I slept.

St. Anthony was a member of the religious order founded by St. Frances of Assisi. He was canonized as a saint by Pope Gregory IX in 1232, calling him Ark of the Covenant. St. Anthony was known as the "hammer of heretics" for his devotion to faith.

i hope to be such a heretic for what i hope to stand strong for/against. may i have such faith.

my pendant portrays one of the miracles attributed to St. Anthony. It is that of him holding the Christ Child, as protector of the baby Jesus. The protector of Christ, who is protector of all, who is our protector, my protector. to me this is so beautiful.

This vision of St. Anthony as Christs' protector was one that he humbly asked not to be pronounced until after his death. It was not his vision, but that of others. They and he kept it private, in secret, not to be revealed in St. Anthony's lifetime. He was that awesome.

The St. Anthony prayer that I love is one that talks about him being a perfect imitator of Jesus. He followed Christ's ways and tried in all ways to be like Him. The prayer pleads for the special power of restoring lost things. For this I do not think of my childhood as much as my innocence.

may I be strong enough, i pray, to overcome the challenges of my childhood and to be blessed with a peaceful innocence.

The prayer actually says "at least restore to me peace and tranquility of mind, the loss of which has afflicted me even more than my material loss."

Then goes on to say "to this favor I ask another of you: that I may always remain in possession of the true good that is God. Le me rather lose all things than lose God, my supreme good. Let me never suffer the loss of my greatest treasure, eternal life with God. Amen"


anyhow, i do love the ideal of St. Anthony, as an example of the life of Christ, and of the peace knowing that even Christ needed someone to watch over Him. I like to think that I would have offered to watch over Him too. Knowing that in reality all I can do is offer love and listen, it is and will never be mine to solve and resolve. ...and yes, that is primarily what we should do for each other here in this life, hear in our healing places.

I also love the truth that the power of God is to restore all things that are lost to us temporarily. We will be made whole, His grace is sufficient.



thanks for being here to hear me. :)