come into my closet, come under my bed, where you'll find me hiding,
the fear in my head.

abuse in the past, now, where do i start, making my future,
healing my heart.

crushed, and broken, falling fast-
needing comfort, make it last.

Monday, March 23, 2009

pieces of you...

Today, as I read many of you, I found pieces of you that touched my heart. This is for all of you...thanks for reading.

Just Be Real....on being worthy:
Though I still find it a struggle to believe that I am worthy, let alone worthy of God’s love, I try to remind myself of this daily, that I am Worthy. Of course it is easier for me to "tell" someone that they are worthy and worthy of God's love, than to believe it for myself.

This post really grabbed my emotions this morning, and a few times I have gone back to read it. I love the thought that we can hope to begin to believe in ourselves that we TOO are WORTHY of the love of God, and the healing that we can have. As I read so many of you today, I know that his messages is pure and needed by so many. Hugs. and love...

oh, and I love her birds... so sweet and peaceful...

From Hope:
The one thing I do remember saying today was that it wasn't about having a perfect, put together life, but about knowing Who to turn to when life happens; because life happens to us all.
This is just one beautiful part of what [she] had written, in my comment: "and I must take this little piece of you and put it with my thoughts today. Thank you for sharing this story. I am sorry for the pain you have felt, and endured. But knowing you have endured it and come up with such a beautiful message gives me HOPE."

so let me pretend
it’s what i want
merrily going my way
a different location
with different view
to where i slept yesterday...

Today, I didn't want to face the music, I didn't want to open my eyes, and remember the pain in my heart, and the world of my dear loved ones, I just wanted to go back to sleep....but reading this I realized that all I could do is go back a step in my moving forward process, and I would still have to wake up to TODAY...

from Nancy at Heal and Forgive:
When it comes to healing from childhood abuse and/or family estrangement, it was hard for me to recognize my progress, especially when I was still in pain.

Sometimes, I'd feel triggered by a certain event and I'd despair, "Will I ever heal? Will I always be in pain?" It didn't dawn on me that I viewed healing as all or nothing. As long as I experienced any pain I failed to notice my progress.

This so explains my pain, for me and to heal? that is the question. and HOW do you heal for good...
She continues: Many years ago, after a period of hopelessness, I realized that I was indeed making progress. I could measure my progress in terms of years. Where am I compared to fifteen years ago?...Five years ago?...and one year ago? The answer, of course, was: "In a much better place."

I could see that each time I "hit" a patch of pain, I was healing at a deeper level. Sometimes, my feelings may have been the same, but I was not the same!

When I began to focus on my progress vs. being pain free, it restored my energy and gave me renewed hope!

Prayer Girl always writes her way into my heart and soul. Such inspiring words. After reading Nancy and feeling what I feel, and realizing I am not alone in my pain, she wrote tears into my eyes...I go to Prayer Girl, and read:
And I am not alone
Nor alien in their midst

They offer forth their honey scent

Show off their coverings bright
Bend gently to my softest touch
And whisper we are one

Prayer Girl

Of all the poems that I have written, this one is my favorite. It lifts me up, encourages me, fills me with comfort, and connects me with something bigger than myself. I need that.


She talks previously in the poem about being alone...and it actually feels like a good thing, strength in being about to stand alone on your two feet, that is what I felt, and then to be hit with the realization that we are never alone....thanks. goodness does God ever send us angels, they are among us, and he is one...thank you steve, for so much support and attention to the details I miss in my pain, for giving me Hope, and smiles in my miles. this touched me today:
that beautiful dawn, that light of a new day, you will know. Yes, you will believe and know of God's Power, God's Love, and God's Way of Life. You will know because I told you so, and I was there...

My prayer is that I may do His will always. That is all I ask for me.

Interesting that I read Psych Client at the Therapy Buzz last week and this week was touched by an entirily different comment in the same post. I went to comment on it and saw my comment from last week, and found some perspective. We all need perspective.

So here is last week:

I feel like that spoiled child that just always wants more and always what I don't have. Time to focus on what I do have right?"
This explains just how I feel sometimes. So spoiled, yet not content. I see people having troubles and tragedies making gratitude lists. Being grateful, and counting blessings...literally numbering them. THANKFUL THURSDAY. It is a great start. Maybe give your self a number goal, and start writing. It does seem to put people in a better mode of thinking. I will try it this you want to?

Hugs. Hope you have a happy day!


and this week:

The past...must stay in the past, but it doesn't. It rears its ugly head whenever I have too much time to think. Of course, he has moved on and so have I moved on. Tell my brain that, tell my heart that. I need to be grateful for what I do have and I do have a lot.

does that mean yesterday...and the day before...and Friday, and Friday NIGHT.


The Zen of Motherhood
had a challenge to eat a was for her have to read it. and then i realized
When I saw "eat a bug" on the challenge card, I was expecting a gummy worm or something. Oh, no. Instead, at the bug chomping booth, I found a heaping plate of fried meal worms.

To my horror, I heard myself say, "I will, if you will, Boogie."

There was an "awesome, spectacular" prize on the line, after all.

As soon as I had committed myself, Baby Puppy was transformed from a timid leg clinger to a small version of a desperate Survivor contestant. She gobbled that worm without a moment of hesitation. I think that she would have had seconds if I would have allowed it.

You will have to go read her to find out if she ate the bug...

but here in this moment, as i pictured her small child, trusting her mother, and because of that trust being able to do something so seemingly impossible. and I thought, what wouldn't I do for my child. What horror, or hard work would I not go through for them, for love, for protection, even for peace.

I need to do more for my kids, lay with them, snuggle, read books, work beside them, laugh, and I have to STOP complaining about how I feel everyday. I swear I am the WORST example for so many things...zoning out...reading a book ALONE, watching TV...being impatient...I can so easily fault find...

and then I remember the list.


The list of things my kids said about me yesterday during Sunday Dinner. We were doing a part of an interview I have been working on each Sunday. One question during dinner, and the conversation takes off. The LIST, it was so beautiful, I sat there with tears in my eyes, surrounded by 5 people whose very lives and happiness is rooted in my being healthy. But all they saw were the good things. So sweetly reminiscing about ME. And I couldn't believe it. They, who I always think I am ruining, THEY love me. THEY had so many nice things to say.

I think I can, I am a good mom, and my kids DESERVE me. I can do it.

Jess Mistress of Mischief:
God I offer myself to thee to build with me and to do with me as thou wilt
Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will
and take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness
to those that I would help
Of Thy power, Thy Love and Thy way of life
May I do your will always...

thanks, I needed that...

wrote something in her post that intrigued my reflections:

Life is about Choices

the title of her post could stand alone...and I don't find it by chance that I am following these posts in this order. God directs us in mysterious ways, when we are on a journey for peace, hope, and healing.
"Yeah, right. It isn't that easy." I protested.

"Yes it is," Michael said. "Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to situations. You choose how people will affect your mood. You choose to be in a good mood or bad mood. The bottom line is: It's your choice how you live life." I reflected on what Michael said.

Well said.

Depressed, very depressed. I've decided it's a worse feeling to be disappointed in yourself than to be disappointed in other people.

me too.

and i know that if I could take back the night...take back Friday,...take back some mistakes from my my daughter through her disappointment in herself...hmmm. so much to ponder.

Victory Over Sexual Abuse:
post on Abandonment...
Here's part of her letter: "Marilyn Meberg gave a wonderful talk that gave me chills. She talked about abandonment and that we were created to be connected. There is a disconnect when one is abandoned; a feeling of shame - “Wasn’t I good enough, why did ___ leave me?” She noted that those who have been severely abandoned, especially in childhood, have a need to control others. And an intense need to never talk about that which they are most ashamed of - that something must be wrong with them to cause the other person to abandon them, they must not be worth keeping. The strange thing is, it is only through recognizing those hidden hurts and working through the hurts that one can heal. A couple good verses that pertain to the subject were: Isaiah 41:9 and John 1:12-13."

"I took you from the ends of the earth, from its farthest corners I called you. I said, 'You are my servant'; I have chosen you and have not rejected you." Isaiah 41:9

"Yet to all who received him, to those who believed in his name, He gave the right to become children of God— children born not of natural descent, nor of human decision or a husband's will, but born of God." John 1:12-13

The feelings one has when being abandoned are so prominant and hard to overcome. I abandoned my friend Friday. I am not dealing well with it. On the surface, I am rising above it. But it is stiring pain in me, it is stiring so much destruction, from my own memories, my feelings, my regret, my lack of control, my knowing I could have done something. OH my goodness, this is so awful to feel

Which is why reading her post again was so amazing. To not be alone, to know that someone gets ME.


then I read
Hush Puppies Dont Say Finding Me

and I commented: are so brave and so courageous, and writing this has taken the power from him, from that act, and given it to you. You can HEAL, you can move forward.

Like you said: YOU ARE TRYING. that is all you have to do...

may I post this:

Pandora's box has been opened and there is no telling what will happn next. This is where I want to run because it is uncomfortable for me. In the past I would have already given up, packed my shit and moved away. That's what I do best. RUN......This time I am determined that I will not run. I'm trying to make sure that I see this through. Still feeling depressed and a bit lethargic in general. There is just a lot of stuff to deal with. It's not like I didn't already have enough on my plate but I thought I needed to add more to it. Anyway Im trying.

Try, Try, can I.

Alanis Rae, Beauty in the Rain
wrote about Silence:

"We cling to our silences, as if it brings relief or safety or dignity or
maybe it's that silence that makes it so easy to pretend
so easy to force yourself to believe it didn't happen to you.
So easy to deny when no one knows the truth.
Lock the little girl broken by violence away
her screams subdued but still there
and she will be heard one day.
Silence is deadly. "

just thanks. for misting my eyes, heart and soul, with your true beauty.

I love to read

She is amazing and honest and pure. And beautiful. Yes, you are. I can read right through the parts where you are not feeling your best. You are amazing and inspiring. I hope that somehow I can tell you enough that you begin to believe it.

Thanks for caring so much. Your posts are so wonderfully helpful and healing, for me and hopefully for you. Thanks for caring about the kids who suffered abuse and incest, and for not being silent about how you feel. It was if someone really cared about ME, when I read it, I felt that you cared. thanks.

Larry G wrote an amazing new Love love.

This part touched my heart today:
Give me your hand, let's dig in and search new ground together. There's treasure everywhere.

I look forward to finding my treasure and celebratin my children finding theirs...

my 1427.17 wrote this:
"You know how you just sit sometimes and you know that the moment created is meant for your presence. "

thank you!

April_optimist in her post about Assumptions we make.

It's a reminder that so many assumptions we make are just stories. Some have more evidence behind them than other but....still they are just stories. And stories can be rewritten—especially the ones that keep us trapped in hurt or anger or a mistaken sense of limitation.

Here's hoping you have your own epiphanies and rewrite some stories of your own this week. Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),

... I am full of pondering and reflection today, and it seems like I am writing a dance as I journey through others blogs, I am so thankful for you all.

I am so thankful for everyone of you. If I have missed any who are reading me, please comment, I would love to come by and be inspired by your journey to heal and live this amazing potential filled life...

Marj aka Thriver at Survivors can Thrive wrote a poem about being Assertive, Doorman No More. Her entire post is so empowering and vulnerable. You will not regret the time you spend there. She is on Spring Break...Yeah her. But her post below that: Doorman No More...and then what she is doing in the Carnival Against Child Abuse...and telling the amazing work. I am thankful she introduced me to it...

and finally The Amazing Adventure...she is back on track...

and writing about returning to church. I think the key thing is that we find grace, to rewind ourselves....and figure out our stuff:

I went to church this morning and it was good. God is using many people and many things to strengthen my faith right now. He's also bombarding me daily with the message that there is no place I can go or thing that I can do that will take His love from me. I've tried over a dozen times to write about what's going on in my heart and mind but couldn't find the right words.

I love her honesty here...and then she writes a list of thankful things...

thankful that "A God that shows me daily that He loves me", and "Knowing that with trials comes joy at the end."

I really do love you people, my friends, my support, strength, light and intervention in my life, thank you for being here.

Thank you for coming back even when I have lulls,

"I am trying."


Just Be Real said...

This was wonderful to read, all the people that touch your heart to heal. Blessings dear one!

Cat said...

What an excellent compilation of the post's of some amazing bloggers!

Have a great Tuesday!

Lula said...

Beautiful post, and so much of it I needed to hear at this moment-thank you.

mile191 said...

Just be Real: Thank you for the blessings, I feel them coming through so much support here in my life. I am so thankful to have a place to Just be share myself with others, and to heal. THanks for reading.

Cat: As always I love to see you here, because I return to you and enjoy so much all that you have written. You have been enduring so much and sharing so beautifully your skill in parenting, and you faith in parenting in hard times. Thanks, for reading, and for always being so kind to me.

Lulu: Thank you. I needed your thoughts yesterday, I am glad that I was able to give you something you needed as well. Yes, I do believe that we need each other here, and that reading and sharing what others has written and how you have effected my life, is so validating. YOu matter, to me. All of you.

Cat...sorry I missed posting something about you, I blog rolled you and I won't miss you again. You are amazing, and what I read today has given me so much to think about.

Off to ponder. Thanks everyone.

Just Be Real said...

Dear one, thank you for you support and reminder what I even wrote in my blog. I guess it is true than anger can really blind you, as I completely forgot what I wrote until you pointed it out to me this day. Thank you!!

Anonymous said...

I'm boo hooing now. I needed to hear that my crazy thoughts sometimes help others to find some hope. Thank you. {{{Hugs}}}

Mama Zen said...

What an amazing collection of posts. I am so honored that you included me!

Alanis Rae said...

Thank you so much for sharing everyone's posts... I needed to read them, especially now. It's reassuring to know that there's someone listening.

Thank you so much for sharing, for just being here.

Prayer Girl said...

Hi Mile191,
What a beautiful post - a wonderful tribute to the fact that we truly aren't alone. Look at all the people who have touched your healing place.

Your gratitude shines out and is healing for others.

Come read about the puzzle being put back together. I thought of me, of you, of all of us as I wrote it.

Love and prayers,

Miyonao said...

I'm glad that you mentioned about my post. By the way, I didn't write "Life is about choices." Someone sent me an email and I don't know the original source.

Just so you know.

SapphireDreams said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
SapphireDreams said...

Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart. It really makes me smile when I post something that touches other people.... my feelings that I think are so bizzare sometimes. It gives me encouragement and hope that I too can make it.
((((MILE 191))))
Thank You :)

LeShel said...

Oh loved one, I'm checking in to see how you really are. I am so glad you have a place where you can truly place in safety your thoughts, feelings and experiences. Your beauty reaches through the computer and touches my soul. May you one day soon see it staring at you in the mirror and recognize it has been present since the beginning.

Anonymous said...

Hi Mile, great post. I have not been blogging, but I do stop by now and then, and you are really making progress. The healing and pain seem to go hand in hand, I had to stay in my pain and anger until I was ready to move on. There is no set time frame for this stuff It's kind of like the one step forward, two steps back, but the progress does happen in small baby steps. We can see people who are where we want to be, and some who are where we once were ourselves. Keep up the good work!

steveroni said...

Dear "Smile 191" you may never know what a true honor it has been/IS to know you more and more through your kind and beautiful thoughts and words which obviously have touched MANY here and elswhere.

These connections we are making here on earth, I believe will be enhanced beyond our comprehension in that next world--that 'genderless' world of the spirit we call heaven.

I figure we will not be 'men' and 'women'...but all one with another through Him, with Him, and in Him, in unity with the Holy Spirit. I guess AMEN would fit here?

Steve E.

Just Be Real said...

Mile, dropping by to let you know you are on my mind and I care. Blessings dear one!

Marj aka Thriver said...

Wow! This is so cool! You've got your own blog carnival going here. Maybe you should make it official. Something to think about...

BTW: The next BLOG CARNIVAL AGAINST CHILD ABUSE edition will be on Friday April 17 with a deadline of 4/15. But you can submit anytime and the submission will be saved for the next edition. Thanks for asking about it.

Anonymous said...

What a great post hon! I enjoyed reading it all. I hope you are doing well! This is my new ID at wordpress. I hope I don't have to move again! *safe hugs for you*


April_optimist said...

I love reading everyone's words of wisdom. It's a reminder that while we may feel alone in our pain at times, we aren't truly alone. We are all interconnected and so many of us have shared this kind of pain and hope.

Hope said...

Hugs to you across the miles tonight. Hang in there. You are an inspiration!!

who I was, who I am, who I plan to be...

i am trying to heal from severe childhood sexual, emotional,
physical, and mental abuse; and abandonment.

this is my story.

i have good and bad days, and some days the odds seem insurmountable.
i cling to the hope that healing will come to mend the shatter pieces of my heart, mind and body.

mile 191, well, you will understand as you read along.
mile 191, portions of my past have a link on the top right.
mile 191, bottoms up. hears to you and to me.

please, if you know me, just let me know you found me. i need honesty. (and please do not use personal names)
if you want to follow my story, please try to heal with me.
if you want to share with me, please do.
i will post bits of my pain as i can, and leave it here.
i once thought that i would publish...i haven't had the courage.

this is my closet, you are welcome to come in.
just know this is my refuge, healing takes place here,
maybe it will be a refuge to you too.

Quotes from Suvivors United - Standing Strong Together Against Abuse

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.
Eleanor Roosevelt

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
Helen Keller

Success is not to be measured by the position someone has reached in life, but the obstacles he has overcome while trying to succeed.
Booker T. Washington

When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard, ' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'
Sydney Harris

Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.
Richard L. Evans

Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.
Joshua J. Marine

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thanks CORNUT32! ♥

What a sweet award....and thanks for creating something so wonderful that can be passed along to bloggers who are indeed making a difference by sharing their lives.

I invite all my faithful and dear blogger friends to take this award. You indeed have made a difference in my life.

Thank you so much for being with me on my journey to heal....mile 191