come into my closet, come under my bed, where you'll find me hiding,
the fear in my head.

abuse in the past, now, where do i start, making my future,
healing my heart.

crushed, and broken, falling fast-
needing comfort, make it last.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

So Serious....please.

I need to just write out my hearts most fullest feelings tonight.

I know in advance of dumping some emotional baggage here that I am not responsible for others feelings around me, but that lack of responsibility does not humanly allow for me to just be mute, deaf and dumb to others pains and afflictions.

I feel like the WORST friend right now.

I do feel like a horrible friend. I was the designated driver this past weekend and at a party where others were drinking and it got out of hand.

However, I felt totally in control. Maybe too in control. I let my best friend/sister, who was drinking, leave for a smoke with some other acquaintances. Not being a smoker myself we broke the friend pact to never leave each others side. I used the power of trust in a really bad way. I believed all would be well.

It wasn't, and some bad stuff happened. I heard about it the following day, and have been stricken with guilt and grief to a degree of SHAME.

SHAME on me for not staying by her side.
SHAME on me for forgetting how vulnerable we are...ME OF ALL PEOPLE.
SHAME on me for being so FREAKING CALM,
and SHAME for allowing her to be in a bad situation.

Thank goodness she can't remember any of it, YET.

And she is fine, really...the details, and potential hazards, will only be revealed as time passes.

I know I am being vague. I really have no right to even write this. But I have to leave and in prayer.

I just feel sick. My mind is flooded with the most horrific of my awful experiences, all over again.

I can't stand this feeling...

Then, my little one made a horrible mistake this past week and I feel so much sorrow for her pain and insecurity. She is growing from the experience and will live through it, and we won't be moving out of the country any time soon so she will have to go back to school...tomorrow...

...her dad offered to go hold her hand all which she declined. How much more embarrassing would that be!!! [not a question]

We had to write a letter to her teacher, which I have just finished, and would share because I poured my heart and soul into it, but it is her experience, and not right for me to write, yet again.

My little boy and I made Grandma's Rice Krispie treats tonight. I could have eaten the whole pan, and felt the warmth of her love, and maybe a little bit of peace....all will be well. Thank goodness for the goodness of people and prayers.

If you will, PLEASE pray for my sister, and for my daughter. ...and for me.

hugs, [[[[safe hugs]]]] to each of you. ♥ mile191, "hope"ing to smile again soon...


The Real Gal said...

((((mile191))) safe hugs back to you dear one.

I am so very sorry that you are experiencing so much guilt and shame!

I must commend you though regardless, for remaining strong and not participating in certain things at the party despite what happened to your friend. You did well in remaining strong!

Prayer is one thing I can certainly offer up to all.

I do hope your Monday will be a better one for you, and thank you for sharing, you needed to get it out and I am glad that you did!

Jess Mistress of Mischief said...

I have such a hard time not taking the world on as my fault, my project and my responsibility... as though God isn't big enough to give each person a personal hand without me being there to care for, protect, control, guide, fix... well my list goes on anon anon anon... I'm so glad I have a second fellowship cause I'm pretty nuts :)

(you asked if you could quote the quote... it's yours... a shared experience for you to pass on...

:) Thanks so much for being here and sharing the Road of Happy Destiny!!!

Prayer Girl said...

Hi Mile191,

Regarding your friend....
I find it hard enough to keep up with being responsible for myself, keep doing the next right thing, and giving away to others my experience, strength, and hope. I have come to understand that I can't be responsible for what others do or don't do, for whether they take counsel from my experience or they don't. I give the best I can and then always pray for them.

We all have our lives to live with their consequent mistakes and successes.

Stop beating yourself up.

Of course you can quote me if you credit me and link to me. I would welcome it.

God bless and I hope you find the lighter side of things soon.

Prayers your way,

Lula said...

Prayers for you and your family....

who I was, who I am, who I plan to be...

i am trying to heal from severe childhood sexual, emotional,
physical, and mental abuse; and abandonment.

this is my story.

i have good and bad days, and some days the odds seem insurmountable.
i cling to the hope that healing will come to mend the shatter pieces of my heart, mind and body.

mile 191, well, you will understand as you read along.
mile 191, portions of my past have a link on the top right.
mile 191, bottoms up. hears to you and to me.

please, if you know me, just let me know you found me. i need honesty. (and please do not use personal names)
if you want to follow my story, please try to heal with me.
if you want to share with me, please do.
i will post bits of my pain as i can, and leave it here.
i once thought that i would publish...i haven't had the courage.

this is my closet, you are welcome to come in.
just know this is my refuge, healing takes place here,
maybe it will be a refuge to you too.

Quotes from Suvivors United - Standing Strong Together Against Abuse

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.
Eleanor Roosevelt

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
Helen Keller

Success is not to be measured by the position someone has reached in life, but the obstacles he has overcome while trying to succeed.
Booker T. Washington

When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard, ' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'
Sydney Harris

Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.
Richard L. Evans

Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.
Joshua J. Marine

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thanks CORNUT32! ♥

What a sweet award....and thanks for creating something so wonderful that can be passed along to bloggers who are indeed making a difference by sharing their lives.

I invite all my faithful and dear blogger friends to take this award. You indeed have made a difference in my life.

Thank you so much for being with me on my journey to heal....mile 191