Being found....and lost!

Here I am. I am here.

Where?

Lost, yet found.

I am lost because I don't know why I am where I am. I know that I have every right and opportunity to be happy, yet....

I started back to school. Actually misleading...about 4 years ago I started back, I am in my 5th year....and getting there with my degree, but taking it slow. I got a scholarship this year, very exciting, and I am taking classes that I want to take for personal reasons this semester, rather than ones that will count, but I am happy, content about them. One of the classes that I am taking is a Marriage and Family class. I am hoping that I will really work out some of my turmoil and tragedy through learning, that I will better recognize the things that are working for me, that are right, and end with sheer gratitude for the family that I am blessed to have now, letting go of the past. I hope to use my experiences to help others in the class to understand some of the difficult subject matter [divorce/abuse/abandonment] that we will be discussing.

One of the first assignments was to write about anything and submit it in test format. This is what I randomly wrote. It was raw and honest, and gives you a sense of where I am:


"Hmmmm, here goes again. I wonder if I didn't save the answer before sending, or if you received my first attempt and then revised this so I am doing it again. I think that I randomly told you about my family last time. I love spending time with them, yet there are times when I wonder if I made the right decision to have a family. So, ....I feel in contradiction with myself. I am looking forward to this course because I am in a place where I am trying to figure myself out. I have all the reasons to be the happiest person on earth. A beautiful and very functional family, security of home and finance, a tender loving amazing husband [can't picture myself without him or doing anything different than I am]. However, I have so much family dysfunction in my past that I feel broken, bruised, abandoned. I wonder....can a wonderful future/present make up for a battered abusive childhood. This question plagues me daily. I am here to discover who I am becoming. My going back to school is very personal and I use every circumstance to truly grow the person that I have the potential of being.

I am very honest and I ramble a lot...."



My next offering here is on being found.

Being found for a sexual abuse survivor is one of the scariest things imaginable. I have been hiding, in a sense, for 22 years now. When my mother abandoned me I became a ward of the state. My real father wouldn't take me so I was fostered by a friends family, a friend I had known for a year, who became my sister, my best friend.

When I got married and changed my name I thought that forever I would be this new person, never be able to be found, yet I have always been afraid. I have always wondered if I will wake up to him standing over me in my bed. I have feared him finding and taking my children. I spent the first 6 years of my children in Elementary School never leaving the school. Finding ways to volunteer, to be there in the classrooms. I had anxiety over taking them to school. It wasn't until I went back to school that I began to relax. To feel safe.

I was firm about never starting a blog, never putting anything with my face, my name, my children out THERE. Vulnerable was not optional for me. I just refused.

...but then...I relaxed. It seemed safe enough. I could block everyone, anyone I didn't know would not have access to me. I became trusting. I started a Facebook account. I blogged privately, and then opened myself up to the world of blogging, my family under psuedo names. I love the communty. I shared my story here.

Yesterday, someone found me.

Someone from my past.

I became "all wadded up" [as my husband puts it].

I stiffened.

I don't know. Can I let this person in? If I do will HE find me.

I cried, I held it in, I sobbed, I quitely weeped.

My husband assured me, "I will never let anyone hurt you. I can and I will protect you."

But there is no amount of protection anyone can offer from the nightmare in my mind, my body. The memories flooded.

What do I do?

I responded to this person.
I love him, my brother.

But he is his son. Will it invite that terror back into my life.

I am being cautious.

Nothing matters more to me than my kids and my siblings.

My brother, this brother has a daughter. Has she been victimized by HIM? Has she hurt like I do? I have to find out. Years ago I should have been more involved, protective, out spoken.

What if my silence caused her pain?

Okay.... my friends!

I am smiling from ear to ear. Sophie...your comment in my email today has lifted my emotional burden notches....I haven't checked my email for a while, and finally am here reading from each of you, your support of me and whatever I am going through, where ever it may be. THANK YOU!

For each of your comments to my messes post....!
Here is what I have come to:

SapphireDreams: I hear that we all have messes in our homes and lives, and you are so right...little by little, one day at a time. So, I have decided to invest in some garbage bags, black and white. I plan to fill the black ones with items to donate, and the white ones with trash and recycling. I am going to take each day and do two bags. Where ever I feel like working. For one hour. That is my discipline...and it will get done.

Lisa Marie: The one day at a time....a motto, a standard to live by. Sometimes one moment at a time and I am OKAY with that. THaNkS. I also love the Pack Rat....I thought I was a hoarder, which terrified me, but Pack Rat fits better, and feels less intimidating...either way it is who I am, but not who I have to be.

Shadow: I love that poetic way of looking at it...the dust gets blown off...That was priceless. So I will just keep moving my piles, until I have successfully dusted everything off.

Jess Mistress of Mischief: HMMMM, I am right there with you about not inviting anyone in...but today, I straightened up what you can see when you walk through the door, did the dishes. I am off to vacuum and clean the bathroom before I shower. A little at a time. And I wonder, Have I given my life completely over to God....No, I don't believe I have, although I am working on it.

Each day now when I wake up instead of criticizing myself [which is what I was doing], I am praying, and praying with complete gratitude for waking up, in a home, with a bed, with a family who loves me and supports me, with rooms to clean, and junk to organize....it seems to be working a little.

PG: I am just so thankful that you are happy to hear from me in whatever condition I am in. You and Steve have been with me from the beginning of this healing and have been so right about so much. THaNkS for the support.

Cat: You too, from the beginning, and I have always appreciated your support, your words...I will keep on keeping on because then I will be good at keeping.

Vicki in AZ: You are always right there, cheering me on, and looking for anything that tells you I am okay. I can't tell you how much you mean to me that you diligently check in and care for me. Thanks for everything!!!! Seriously, everything you write in your healing world, all the places you see me. Thanks for seeing me. ♥u2.


Patty: It is good to hear that someone was able to accomplish what I am struggling with, and thanks for the trash bag idea....I am taking it seriously and give you credit for the idea...

Sarah: Thanks. I could not do this if I were alone.

Marsha: I love that you inspire me to come to terms with being imperfectly perfect. If I can be good at something it will be that. THANKS... and life will be okay in spite of it, you are so right. My kids are turning out great in spite of me....so I am learning this truth every day.


Just Be Real: Thank you for sitting with me. Thank you for writing and inspiring so much healing here and modeling perfectly that we can heal.

♥ U ALL. Thanks.... I will be back to report!

Messes

My life is full of messes. Not the kind that are too overwhelming, just the kind that I wish I had the mental power to overcome. My messes are in my closets, my drawers, my corners, curtains, blinds full of dust, etc. They seem to resemble the corners of my brain and heart. Full of bits of junk that I can't ever seem to let go of, to clean up, to heal. I figure that I am just not good at letting go, of things or of thoughts, memories, crappy past crap.
I am here and this is how I am.

Thanks Everyone! ♥

I really loved doing the blog carnival, and coming home to your messages of support and love. Truly a great opportunity for me to get to know so many better and to see into your worlds. Thanks for the chance.



I am back!!! Yes, excited to be home, yet so melancholy.

I am struggling with just the blues a bit. Maybe vacation blues....maybe not.

I don't really know.

Kids start school again next week, so much to do ...so little time.

My computer is not working so I have to check in from the Library...not so private, and feels weird, the emotions are so strong and yet, I can not open up for fear of a flood, right here, right now.

I decided to just post a catch up....quickly, and then hopefully as school starts I will be able to have access to this world again more conveniently...I hope.


My husband asked last night...What is wrong? Am I depressed? I didn't really have a chance to answer. Two sweet boys begged me to snuggle them to sleep. I took the chance....

I woke up in the middle of the night and headed to my room. I was restless waking up today...

On my mind...What is wrong? Am I depressed?


well...I think the answer to that is I don't know.

I think so, maybe.



Something is going on, something I don't understand, cant seem to control, something WEIRD in my brain, my physical, emotional, mental being....is broken...again.


I wish I could write more....feels like the world is looking over my shoulder.


I thought that today I would write a letter to my B. He deserves to hear what is going on in my heart. my mind....

he needs to know it is not him.

I plan to write....maybe in my rhetorical dance I will too figure out what is going on with me.


Hope this finds you and yours well, and life moving at a pace that you are able to keep. I hope for you healing and peace. I hope for me too.