come into my closet, come under my bed, where you'll find me hiding,
the fear in my head.

abuse in the past, now, where do i start, making my future,
healing my heart.

crushed, and broken, falling fast-
needing comfort, make it last.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009


My life is full of messes. Not the kind that are too overwhelming, just the kind that I wish I had the mental power to overcome. My messes are in my closets, my drawers, my corners, curtains, blinds full of dust, etc. They seem to resemble the corners of my brain and heart. Full of bits of junk that I can't ever seem to let go of, to clean up, to heal. I figure that I am just not good at letting go, of things or of thoughts, memories, crappy past crap.
I am here and this is how I am.


Just Be Real said...

Precious ((((Mile))))
Here sitting with you dear....

SapphireDreams said...

I can totally relate to the mess!Messes are hard to clean up. Take it little by little, one day at a time.

Lisa Marie said...

Some people are just pack rats!

In all seriousness, it's hard to clear out the junk and get used to the new space. One day at a time!

Shadow said...

we all have that junk piled away somewhere, but everytime we look at it, a little bit of dust gets blown off it.... hang in there.

Jess Mistress of Mischief said...

I have that same problem, and I ask myself daily if I have REALLY given my life completely to God...

Then I make a list of the places I would not invite people right now

I would not invite anyone into my ...
underwear/sock drawer
under my bed
desk drawers
Oh the list goes on

God help me!

Prayer Girl said...

So happy to hear from you - messes and all.

We love you just as you are and will love you as you change and heal.


Cat said...

I have found that the more I do something the better I become at it, be easy and take your time, one step / day at a time.

VICKI IN AZ said...

Hey Girl,
I will would come into your closet messy or not any day!
So glad to hear from you, I missed you soooo much.
I really liked what Shadow said up there, she is always so wise.
Be kind to yourself.


VICKI IN AZ said...


Anonymous said...

One mess at a time, that's how I did it. It took me a while to figure out how to clean up a mess without creating one. Trashbags. Big black ones!

VICKI IN AZ said...

Thanks for commenting over at S. and S. T. I made comment to answer your question.
Can I just tell you without putting any pressure on you... I miss you so much it hurts.
I think about you and send you gentle healing thoughts and Hugs my friend.

sarah said...

you are so not alone in this. :)

Marsha said...

I've found my own self dealing with much of the same. I've finally come to terms with the fact that I have to accept myself somewhat as the imperfect person I am. Those cobwebs will always sneak up unnoticed, there will always be dust I don't notice until someone else leaves a fingerprint, but life will be okay in spite of this.

Sophie in the Moonlight said...

My uber-tidy in-laws are quite fond of remarking that the state of one's home reflects the state of one's life.

They do not seem to realize that their uber-tidy home is an excellent reflection of their hyper-critical, indecisive (and I mean indecisive-they've been looking for a new couch for FIFTEEN years), demanding view of the world as being full of people who are not as perfect as they are.

I've got two young boys and my house is never tidy. Sometimes I get it clean, but within the hour the floors are covered with trains and legos, the laundry is four loads huge, and something is on the carpet and I'm not sure I want to know what it is.

This is life. When we are on our deathbeds preparing for the final journey of this life, we will not spend any time berating ourselves for our junk drawers, dust bunnies, and dirty curtains. We will, however, be reflecting on the progress our mind has made.

I guess my point is the state of your home does not necessarily reflect the state of your mind. Seems to me that you've been working pretty damn hard to tidy up the mess in your mind. That is a worthwhile endeavor for which to roll up your sleeves. Screw the dust bunnies.

who I was, who I am, who I plan to be...

i am trying to heal from severe childhood sexual, emotional,
physical, and mental abuse; and abandonment.

this is my story.

i have good and bad days, and some days the odds seem insurmountable.
i cling to the hope that healing will come to mend the shatter pieces of my heart, mind and body.

mile 191, well, you will understand as you read along.
mile 191, portions of my past have a link on the top right.
mile 191, bottoms up. hears to you and to me.

please, if you know me, just let me know you found me. i need honesty. (and please do not use personal names)
if you want to follow my story, please try to heal with me.
if you want to share with me, please do.
i will post bits of my pain as i can, and leave it here.
i once thought that i would publish...i haven't had the courage.

this is my closet, you are welcome to come in.
just know this is my refuge, healing takes place here,
maybe it will be a refuge to you too.

Quotes from Suvivors United - Standing Strong Together Against Abuse

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.
Eleanor Roosevelt

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
Helen Keller

Success is not to be measured by the position someone has reached in life, but the obstacles he has overcome while trying to succeed.
Booker T. Washington

When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard, ' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'
Sydney Harris

Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.
Richard L. Evans

Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.
Joshua J. Marine

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thanks CORNUT32! ♥

What a sweet award....and thanks for creating something so wonderful that can be passed along to bloggers who are indeed making a difference by sharing their lives.

I invite all my faithful and dear blogger friends to take this award. You indeed have made a difference in my life.

Thank you so much for being with me on my journey to heal....mile 191