come into my closet, come under my bed, where you'll find me hiding,
the fear in my head.

abuse in the past, now, where do i start, making my future,
healing my heart.

crushed, and broken, falling fast-
needing comfort, make it last.

Monday, August 31, 2009

Being found....and lost!

Here I am. I am here.


Lost, yet found.

I am lost because I don't know why I am where I am. I know that I have every right and opportunity to be happy, yet....

I started back to school. Actually misleading...about 4 years ago I started back, I am in my 5th year....and getting there with my degree, but taking it slow. I got a scholarship this year, very exciting, and I am taking classes that I want to take for personal reasons this semester, rather than ones that will count, but I am happy, content about them. One of the classes that I am taking is a Marriage and Family class. I am hoping that I will really work out some of my turmoil and tragedy through learning, that I will better recognize the things that are working for me, that are right, and end with sheer gratitude for the family that I am blessed to have now, letting go of the past. I hope to use my experiences to help others in the class to understand some of the difficult subject matter [divorce/abuse/abandonment] that we will be discussing.

One of the first assignments was to write about anything and submit it in test format. This is what I randomly wrote. It was raw and honest, and gives you a sense of where I am:

"Hmmmm, here goes again. I wonder if I didn't save the answer before sending, or if you received my first attempt and then revised this so I am doing it again. I think that I randomly told you about my family last time. I love spending time with them, yet there are times when I wonder if I made the right decision to have a family. So, ....I feel in contradiction with myself. I am looking forward to this course because I am in a place where I am trying to figure myself out. I have all the reasons to be the happiest person on earth. A beautiful and very functional family, security of home and finance, a tender loving amazing husband [can't picture myself without him or doing anything different than I am]. However, I have so much family dysfunction in my past that I feel broken, bruised, abandoned. I wonder....can a wonderful future/present make up for a battered abusive childhood. This question plagues me daily. I am here to discover who I am becoming. My going back to school is very personal and I use every circumstance to truly grow the person that I have the potential of being.

I am very honest and I ramble a lot...."

My next offering here is on being found.

Being found for a sexual abuse survivor is one of the scariest things imaginable. I have been hiding, in a sense, for 22 years now. When my mother abandoned me I became a ward of the state. My real father wouldn't take me so I was fostered by a friends family, a friend I had known for a year, who became my sister, my best friend.

When I got married and changed my name I thought that forever I would be this new person, never be able to be found, yet I have always been afraid. I have always wondered if I will wake up to him standing over me in my bed. I have feared him finding and taking my children. I spent the first 6 years of my children in Elementary School never leaving the school. Finding ways to volunteer, to be there in the classrooms. I had anxiety over taking them to school. It wasn't until I went back to school that I began to relax. To feel safe.

I was firm about never starting a blog, never putting anything with my face, my name, my children out THERE. Vulnerable was not optional for me. I just refused.

...but then...I relaxed. It seemed safe enough. I could block everyone, anyone I didn't know would not have access to me. I became trusting. I started a Facebook account. I blogged privately, and then opened myself up to the world of blogging, my family under psuedo names. I love the communty. I shared my story here.

Yesterday, someone found me.

Someone from my past.

I became "all wadded up" [as my husband puts it].

I stiffened.

I don't know. Can I let this person in? If I do will HE find me.

I cried, I held it in, I sobbed, I quitely weeped.

My husband assured me, "I will never let anyone hurt you. I can and I will protect you."

But there is no amount of protection anyone can offer from the nightmare in my mind, my body. The memories flooded.

What do I do?

I responded to this person.
I love him, my brother.

But he is his son. Will it invite that terror back into my life.

I am being cautious.

Nothing matters more to me than my kids and my siblings.

My brother, this brother has a daughter. Has she been victimized by HIM? Has she hurt like I do? I have to find out. Years ago I should have been more involved, protective, out spoken.

What if my silence caused her pain?


Marsha said...

I was a victim of childhood sexual abuse. My brother was my abuser. He was 10 years older than me, and my caretaker after school. Those hours weren't the best, and it was daily for quite some time. My parents knew but refused to believe the truth. It's caused problems in our family for years since in ways I can't describe. There's been perpetual fall out.

So, my story is different from yours in some ways, in other ways the same.

My only advice to you is to NOT be the victim. You're an adult now, and at this point YOU have control.

The more you cater to your fears, the worse they become. It's time to stand up, be strong, and assert yourself. You WILL NOT be a victim again. YOU have control this time, and if anyone chooses to attempt to victimize you they will pay the consequences. Stand up, be strong.

VICKI IN AZ said...

I know how much work it is to spend so much time and energy wanting desperately to be grateful and also questioning if you have made the right decision.
Hon, you sound depressed, what are you doing for your depression♥?

You will make the right decision about your brother. You can Trust Yourself Mile! You know what is right. I am sorry for your nightmare.
But, Mile it is not your fault about your niece.
Mile, it is not your fault.
None of this is your fault.
Trust yourself.
I trust you.


Prayer Girl said...

You are not the person you used to be. You are an adult - with recovery happening and with loving family and other supports.

I know you will make the right decisions. I also know you will be fine.

Love and prayers to you,

sarah said...

Reading your post sounds so familiar to me. What happened to me is different yet the confusion, the depth of hurt, lonliness and inner aching is so much the same. I am touched by your sharing. Sarah

Shadow said...

those are some tough questions running around in your mind...

and i think you are more than perfectly equipped to have a family. you have some wisdoms which you can relate to your little ones, that someone who hasn't been there cannot. the glory of recovery, dealing with pain, faith in life and living that tomorrow IS a better day...

Just Be Real said...


Marsha said...

So how are you today?

My advice is to be careful how you define yourself as a person. Who are you? Do you define yourself as that victim, or who are you today?

Hang in there sweetie.

Gabriella Moonlight said...

I guess when I turn it over to my HP I find the answer within...I was abused by my mother, I get that, the betrayal is a harsh one that takes much to heal from...but you can heal, you can re-define your life as you wish's an amazing journey and we're all here with you!

Love you

who I was, who I am, who I plan to be...

i am trying to heal from severe childhood sexual, emotional,
physical, and mental abuse; and abandonment.

this is my story.

i have good and bad days, and some days the odds seem insurmountable.
i cling to the hope that healing will come to mend the shatter pieces of my heart, mind and body.

mile 191, well, you will understand as you read along.
mile 191, portions of my past have a link on the top right.
mile 191, bottoms up. hears to you and to me.

please, if you know me, just let me know you found me. i need honesty. (and please do not use personal names)
if you want to follow my story, please try to heal with me.
if you want to share with me, please do.
i will post bits of my pain as i can, and leave it here.
i once thought that i would publish...i haven't had the courage.

this is my closet, you are welcome to come in.
just know this is my refuge, healing takes place here,
maybe it will be a refuge to you too.

Quotes from Suvivors United - Standing Strong Together Against Abuse

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.
Eleanor Roosevelt

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
Helen Keller

Success is not to be measured by the position someone has reached in life, but the obstacles he has overcome while trying to succeed.
Booker T. Washington

When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard, ' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'
Sydney Harris

Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.
Richard L. Evans

Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.
Joshua J. Marine

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thanks CORNUT32! ♥

What a sweet award....and thanks for creating something so wonderful that can be passed along to bloggers who are indeed making a difference by sharing their lives.

I invite all my faithful and dear blogger friends to take this award. You indeed have made a difference in my life.

Thank you so much for being with me on my journey to heal....mile 191