come into my closet, come under my bed, where you'll find me hiding,
the fear in my head.

abuse in the past, now, where do i start, making my future,
healing my heart.

crushed, and broken, falling fast-
needing comfort, make it last.

Monday, May 24, 2010

upLATE upDATE?

I really can't believe I let a week pass without an update. Last I wrote I was UP LATE....and I think an UPDATE is certainly in order.


i have been sleeping better, and thankfully.... i worried that having surgery i would be so dependant on a drug..... this is probably the thing that i am most happy to update. mainly because of my fears, always worried about addiction.  living with my foster mom and seeing how addictions can hurt the ones you love;  knowing all to well the travesty and havoc an addiction can wreak on a family, on an individual.


i feel blessed to have such strength to find myself healing without need for something to mask what the healing feels like.



this has caused me a lot of pondering. only a few times have i ever used alcohol as a way to mask the pain....the pains of past horrors, the pain of the healing process, the pain that day to day functioning can bring....


it feels so empowering to be able to have some control over my healing....my OWN healing.

this may be a physical healing process, from surgery....but the elements of healing that this process has surged are quite unbelievable. when all you have to do is sleep, and rest, and ponder...a LOT crosses your mind. this has become an opportunity for emotional and mental healing, with a spiritual strength intact.


healing ....it has also been really hard, and yet really blessed. [does that make sense?]


What i do know is that many prayers have been said. I feel them, and I thank those of you who are reading, who are here with me, in my healing, in my closet.



what i hope is that what i have learned will find words, expressions, so that i can better understand them myself, and so that i can share them with you....

my mind is quite weary....writing seems to take more effort than i have strength, and nothing comes natural these days. a LOT is on my mind....



remember my mom???

well, she has been here to take care of me, to help support my healing. It has been as hard as it has been a blessing. I have learned what true forgiveness is, and what the POWER of forgiveness does for healing. I have also learned that forgiveness does not take the sting out of some things.

I happened to have a meltdown or two, a breakdown of sorts. I remember that there is beauty in the breaking, and that being broken is better, and while broken....there is something to be let go of, and potential for something anew.

but....in one moment i said something,
something i can not take back,
something i regret,
because now
it is me...
not HER.
what she did,
or DIDN'T do,
is not made better
by my reaction
obviously i have a lot of work
to do in that department.
thank goodness for time
and opportunity
and forgiveness.



i am off to ponder....and patiently heal.

7 comments:

Mama Zen said...

"what she did, or DIDN"T do, is not made better by my reaction"

That is so true, but so difficult to remember sometimes!

LADYBUG said...

Oh! Mile, although I have not writing anything in a long while, I check on you often, I am so happy that you are doing well, keep the faith, it works

LeShel said...

hugs from here but soon in person

Just Be Real said...

Dear one thank you for your post. Understanding and glad that you are doing better. Blessings to you! ((((Mile))))

Zan said...

There's such strength in your words, such determination and so much knowledge and self-awareness.

xx

LADYBUG said...

Just surrender yourself to GOD and let him do the rest. just be patient, GOD'S time is not our time, he knows when you will be forever healed, just believe and be patient, keep fighting trough it and be strong.

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who I was, who I am, who I plan to be...

i am trying to heal from severe childhood sexual, emotional,
physical, and mental abuse; and abandonment.


this is my story.

i have good and bad days, and some days the odds seem insurmountable.
i cling to the hope that healing will come to mend the shatter pieces of my heart, mind and body.


mile 191, well, you will understand as you read along.
mile 191, portions of my past have a link on the top right.
mile 191, bottoms up. hears to you and to me.


please, if you know me, just let me know you found me. i need honesty. (and please do not use personal names)
if you want to follow my story, please try to heal with me.
if you want to share with me, please do.
i will post bits of my pain as i can, and leave it here.
i once thought that i would publish...i haven't had the courage.


this is my closet, you are welcome to come in.
just know this is my refuge, healing takes place here,
maybe it will be a refuge to you too.


Quotes from Suvivors United - Standing Strong Together Against Abuse

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.
Eleanor Roosevelt

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
Helen Keller

Success is not to be measured by the position someone has reached in life, but the obstacles he has overcome while trying to succeed.
Booker T. Washington

When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard, ' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'
Sydney Harris

Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.
Richard L. Evans

Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.
Joshua J. Marine


What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thanks CORNUT32! ♥



What a sweet award....and thanks for creating something so wonderful that can be passed along to bloggers who are indeed making a difference by sharing their lives.

I invite all my faithful and dear blogger friends to take this award. You indeed have made a difference in my life.

Thank you so much for being with me on my journey to heal....mile 191