upLATE upDATE?

I really can't believe I let a week pass without an update. Last I wrote I was UP LATE....and I think an UPDATE is certainly in order.


i have been sleeping better, and thankfully.... i worried that having surgery i would be so dependant on a drug..... this is probably the thing that i am most happy to update. mainly because of my fears, always worried about addiction.  living with my foster mom and seeing how addictions can hurt the ones you love;  knowing all to well the travesty and havoc an addiction can wreak on a family, on an individual.


i feel blessed to have such strength to find myself healing without need for something to mask what the healing feels like.



this has caused me a lot of pondering. only a few times have i ever used alcohol as a way to mask the pain....the pains of past horrors, the pain of the healing process, the pain that day to day functioning can bring....


it feels so empowering to be able to have some control over my healing....my OWN healing.

this may be a physical healing process, from surgery....but the elements of healing that this process has surged are quite unbelievable. when all you have to do is sleep, and rest, and ponder...a LOT crosses your mind. this has become an opportunity for emotional and mental healing, with a spiritual strength intact.


healing ....it has also been really hard, and yet really blessed. [does that make sense?]


What i do know is that many prayers have been said. I feel them, and I thank those of you who are reading, who are here with me, in my healing, in my closet.



what i hope is that what i have learned will find words, expressions, so that i can better understand them myself, and so that i can share them with you....

my mind is quite weary....writing seems to take more effort than i have strength, and nothing comes natural these days. a LOT is on my mind....



remember my mom???

well, she has been here to take care of me, to help support my healing. It has been as hard as it has been a blessing. I have learned what true forgiveness is, and what the POWER of forgiveness does for healing. I have also learned that forgiveness does not take the sting out of some things.

I happened to have a meltdown or two, a breakdown of sorts. I remember that there is beauty in the breaking, and that being broken is better, and while broken....there is something to be let go of, and potential for something anew.

but....in one moment i said something,

something i can not take back,

something i regret,

because now

it is me...

not HER.

what she did,

or DIDN'T do,

is not made better
by my reaction

obviously i have a lot of work

to do in that department.

thank goodness for time

and opportunity

and forgiveness.

i am off to ponder....and patiently heal.