i have been sleeping better, and thankfully....OH SO THANKFULLY...i am weaned completely off of any narcotic [and not replacing it with alcohol...you know me, that is such a bonus]. i worried that having surgery i would be so dependant on a drug....or a drug of choice. this is probably the thing that i am most happy to update. mainly because of my fears, always worried about addiction, knowing all to well the travesty and havoc an addiction can wreak on a family, on an individual.
i feel blessed to have such strength to find myself healing without need for something to mask what the healing feels like.
this has caused me a lot of pondering. i have in past used alcohol or other choice drugs as a way to mask the pain....the pains of past horrors, the pain of the healing process, the pain that day to day functioning can bring....
it feels so empowering to be able to have some control over my healing....my OWN healing.
this may be a physical healing process, from surgery....but the elements of healing that this process has surged are quite unbelievable. when all you have to do is sleep, and rest, and ponder...a LOT crosses your mind. this has become an opportunity for emotional and mental healing, with a spiritual strength entact.
it has also been really hard, and really blessed. [does that make sense?]
What i do know is that many prayers have been said. I feel them, and I thank those of you who are reading, who are here with me, in my healing, in my closet.
what i hope is that what i have learned will find words, expressions, so that i can better understand them myself, and so that i can share them with you....
my mind is quite weary....writing seems to take more effort than i have strength, and nothing comes natural these days. a LOT is on my mind....
remember my mom???
well, she has been here to take care of me, to help support my healing. It has been as hard as it has been a blessing. I have learned what true forgiveness is, and what the POWER of forgiveness does for healing. I have also learned that forgiveness does not take the sting out of some things.
I happened to have a meltdown or two, a breakdown of sorts. I remember that there is beauty in the breaking, and that being broken is better, and while broken....there is something to be let go of, and potential for something anew.
but....in one moment i said something,
something i can not take back,
something i regret,
because now
it is me...
not HER.
what she did,
or DIDN"T do,
is not made better
by my reaction
by my reaction
obviously i have a lot of work
to do in that department.
thank goodness for time
and opportunity
and forgiveness.
i am off to ponder....and patiently heal.
7 comments:
"what she did, or DIDN"T do, is not made better by my reaction"
That is so true, but so difficult to remember sometimes!
Oh! Mile, although I have not writing anything in a long while, I check on you often, I am so happy that you are doing well, keep the faith, it works
hugs from here but soon in person
Dear one thank you for your post. Understanding and glad that you are doing better. Blessings to you! ((((Mile))))
There's such strength in your words, such determination and so much knowledge and self-awareness.
xx
Just surrender yourself to GOD and let him do the rest. just be patient, GOD'S time is not our time, he knows when you will be forever healed, just believe and be patient, keep fighting trough it and be strong.
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