come into my closet, come under my bed, where you'll find me hiding,
the fear in my head.

abuse in the past, now, where do i start, making my future,
healing my heart.

crushed, and broken, falling fast-
needing comfort, make it last.

Monday, May 17, 2010

healing is so hard

healing is so hard. it has been 11 days since my surgery. i have felt great blessing as i have been surrounded by love and comfort. i have smiled and laughed. i truly am thankful for the positive in my life. there is so much.

because there is so much to be thankful for i have a really hard time with the negative that rears its ugly head from time to time.

i want to be patient in my healing.

i want to be thankful.

so why do i feel this way?

i really don't feel i have

good reason to be

so angry.

everyone around me is trying so hard.

everyone is making sacrifices for me to heal.

bending over backwards

to be helpful,



all contributing to my physical healing.

i told my husband a few nights ago that i felt that i was emotionally/mentally handling how i am feeling with strength and courage.

i wrote she cries at night a few nights after i was home from the hospital. it was HEALING, to write, it took COURAGE to share.

so WHY????

i was thinking this morning that it was the fact that i cant CONTROL anything right now.

control is so important when you have been in a situation where you were CONTROLLED and SUBMISSIVE, and HURT.

i was, we all were; abuse, abandonment....those are all circumstances where lives are out of CONTROL, as we SUMBIT to the abuser we are caused great HURT in our lives.

it can even be an emotional/mental/physical pain, anxiety, depression....the things we have no control over, the things that seem to control us.

and these very things take daily WORK to overcome.


i am trying to be a good patient, to be patient with my healing. but this LACK OF CONTROL over things in my life, my body, is driving me completely insane.

and no matter the love i am surrounded by, i feel alone. so ALONE.

it is like i have lost FAITH, and HOPE.....

and so i come here, and i read....and i write.

Superfluous Brunette wrote:

"The reason we try to control life or other people,

is to really control our own emotions."

in another post she wrote:

"But the irony of control,

just as with addictions

(another way to control

or completely avoid our painful feelings)

is that it ends up causing us more pain

and drives us even further away from

resolving these things in our life

and further away from ourselves."

today i feel her pain for control.

she wears a mask,

to hide her pains,

she needs a hand to hold....

this virtual world, of healing, of hope,

is such a beautiful place to be.

as i read, i feel less ALONE, and filled with HOPE, and FAITH...and it is all because of you, all of YOU.

THANK YOU, for reading me, and for writing.

i take morsals of all you offer and

feast upon your words, and i remember.

i remember that there is a greater good in the pain we experience.

i remember that i have a place to turn, a Savior, who loves and who heals and who promised to never leave us alone.

and i remember that He said it is often through anothers kindness that you will see the Hand of God.

each of you are exactly that. you are beautiful, you are the Hand of God in the lives of those like you; those hurting, those needing Healing. and as HARD as HEALING is....coming here, gives me HOPE, another day....

one step at a time.....

CONTROL is an illusion.... and really it comes down to TRUST in HIM who controls we don't have to.


Lily said...

Oh, Mile. I know exactly how you feel. I had surgery about two weeks ago and it has absolutely wreaked havoc on me physically and emotionally. I was not prepared for the trials I have been facing lately because of it... but they are there.

Hope and faith seem to be lost though. I get it.

I hope you start feeling better soon.

Prayer Girl said...

In the midst of a storm it is sometimes very hard to pull up the memory of happier, feeling better times. At those times I have to rely on others. I just don't have it myself.

The storm always passes and there is joy in the morning.


Superfluous Brunette said...

Nice piece on control...and thanks for quoting me :) You brought up a great point about the need to control things or our emotions is because we have submitted to the control of others or something else. Gave me something new to think about as I try to figure out exactly where some of my deep seated pain came from.

You're right, there are so many people out there that can relate and we/you are not alone!

Much love.

Just Be Real said...

Here listening....

Marj aka Thriver said...

Now that I'm older (heading toward 50--aaacckkk!) I find that I heal slower, physically.

"she wears a mask,

to hide her pains,

she needs a hand to hold...."

When we have someone to hold our hand, we can let down our mask and feel our pain.

Safe hugs, dear. ((((((((Mile))))))))

mile191 said...

Thanks healing friends.

I have been thinking,...and not sleeping...a lot.

About what each of you said here, and how fortunate to have the ability to reach out to others who truly understand the pain.

I feel less alone, in your words,
expressions of sincere compassion.

Thanks. Keep writing, and keep reading. You each have such a gift, and you are surly a part of my healing journey.



SapphireDreams said...

Try and have a gentle recovery. I know all too well how that control issue is. Good quote cuz I can so relate. Try to get some rest as well. Take care ((((MILE))))

who I was, who I am, who I plan to be...

i am trying to heal from severe childhood sexual, emotional,
physical, and mental abuse; and abandonment.

this is my story.

i have good and bad days, and some days the odds seem insurmountable.
i cling to the hope that healing will come to mend the shatter pieces of my heart, mind and body.

mile 191, well, you will understand as you read along.
mile 191, portions of my past have a link on the top right.
mile 191, bottoms up. hears to you and to me.

please, if you know me, just let me know you found me. i need honesty. (and please do not use personal names)
if you want to follow my story, please try to heal with me.
if you want to share with me, please do.
i will post bits of my pain as i can, and leave it here.
i once thought that i would publish...i haven't had the courage.

this is my closet, you are welcome to come in.
just know this is my refuge, healing takes place here,
maybe it will be a refuge to you too.

Quotes from Suvivors United - Standing Strong Together Against Abuse

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.
Eleanor Roosevelt

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
Helen Keller

Success is not to be measured by the position someone has reached in life, but the obstacles he has overcome while trying to succeed.
Booker T. Washington

When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard, ' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'
Sydney Harris

Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.
Richard L. Evans

Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.
Joshua J. Marine

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thanks CORNUT32! ♥

What a sweet award....and thanks for creating something so wonderful that can be passed along to bloggers who are indeed making a difference by sharing their lives.

I invite all my faithful and dear blogger friends to take this award. You indeed have made a difference in my life.

Thank you so much for being with me on my journey to heal....mile 191