healing is so hard

healing is so hard. it has been 11 days since my surgery. i have felt great blessing as i have been surrounded by love and comfort. i have smiled and laughed. i truly am thankful for the positive in my life. there is so much.



because there is so much to be thankful for i have a really hard time with the negative that rears its ugly head from time to time.



i want to be patient in my healing.



i want to be thankful.



so why do i feel this way?

i really don't feel i have

good reason to be

so angry.

everyone around me is trying so hard.

everyone is making sacrifices for me to heal.

bending over backwards

to be helpful,

kind,

patient,

all contributing to my physical healing.

i told my husband a few nights ago that i felt that i was emotionally/mentally handling how i am feeling with strength and courage.

i wrote she cries at night a few nights after i was home from the hospital. it was HEALING, to write, it took COURAGE to share.

so WHY????

i was thinking this morning that it was the fact that i cant CONTROL anything right now.

control is so important when you have been in a situation where you were CONTROLLED and SUBMISSIVE, and HURT.

i was, we all were; abuse, abandonment....those are all circumstances where lives are out of CONTROL, as we SUMBIT to the abuser we are caused great HURT in our lives.

it can even be an emotional/mental/physical pain, anxiety, depression....the things we have no control over, the things that seem to control us.

and these very things take daily WORK to overcome.

yes, HEALING IS HARD.

i am trying to be a good patient, to be patient with my healing. but this LACK OF CONTROL over things in my life, my body, is driving me completely insane.

and no matter the love i am surrounded by, i feel alone. so ALONE.

it is like i have lost FAITH, and HOPE.....

and so i come here, and i read....and i write.

Superfluous Brunette wrote:

"The reason we try to control life or other people,

is to really control our own emotions."

in another post she wrote:

"But the irony of control,

just as with addictions

(another way to control

or completely avoid our painful feelings)

is that it ends up causing us more pain

and drives us even further away from

resolving these things in our life

and further away from ourselves."

today i feel her pain for control.

she wears a mask,

to hide her pains,

she needs a hand to hold....





this virtual world, of healing, of hope,

is such a beautiful place to be.





as i read, i feel less ALONE, and filled with HOPE, and FAITH...and it is all because of you, all of YOU.





THANK YOU, for reading me, and for writing.

i take morsals of all you offer and

feast upon your words, and i remember.



i remember that there is a greater good in the pain we experience.



i remember that i have a place to turn, a Savior, who loves and who heals and who promised to never leave us alone.



and i remember that He said it is often through anothers kindness that you will see the Hand of God.



each of you are exactly that. you are beautiful, you are the Hand of God in the lives of those like you; those hurting, those needing Healing. and as HARD as HEALING is....coming here, gives me HOPE, another day....





one step at a time.....





CONTROL is an illusion.... and really it comes down to TRUST in HIM who controls everything....so we don't have to.