lost and stolen things

my destination is up to me. i pray for strength to know what choices to make so that i find myself where He desires me to be.

i have been in the shower mid-washing my hair while the heat of the water soothes my aching neck and back i thought of a few things, so naturally i threw on my robe and here i am.

with you.


with friends i have never met, who seem to care and understand better than those who claim to love me most.


i have a huge decision to make today.
one that will test the very

foundation of my family as a unit.

i am losing my oldest son to a family member who has meddled and loved us from day one. however it is an unhealthy meddling that has been pointed out to me by multiple other family members who can see what i have seen all along but chosen to allow because of my love and compassion for people, for her. but at this point i feel that i have made a mistake and that i haven't considered what is in the best interest of my children and family, and that unfortunately have perpetuated the cycle of unhealthy mental and emotional abuse that has been years coming with this particular part of our family.


i LOVE this family member immensely. i have chosen to allow the interaction with our children to a point of chaos. and consequently the effects are long damaging for me, but more important for my children.

it was a simple event yesterday, but it was literally the straw that broke the camels back; and today, after hours of tears that have left my eyes swollen shut, my husband and i have decided that it is done. it is over.

we have got to make the move that is most important for the well-being of our children. and in the interest of the health of their childhood have come to some very difficult decisions.

i literally mean that we are on the cusp of action. action that will change forever the course of their childhood, and hopefully prevent or shorten the need for them to be in therapy as adults.

i feel so terrible that i have allowed this to go on for so long out of love and respect for this person. i love her dearly, but have continued to be concerned for the circumstance.

if we don't act now we will have more to regret.

the most frightening thing is that we may lose one of our children over this. he is too deep into the problem. i am not willingly losing him, but have the greatest hope that if we follow what we are inspired to do, and pray dearly, that he will come back to us.

FAMILIES ARE FOR PAIN AND TRIALS THAT WILL LEAD US TO THE DESTINATION THAT HE MOST DESIRES FOR US. I HAVE HOPE THAT WE WILL BE A fOReVEr fAMiLY! but it will only be by the grace of God and our willingness to do the very hardest things we have ever faced with courage that we will make it to that sacred and wonderful place.

please PRAY, and wish me STRENGTH and COURAGE to do what i feel is right at this time. and that the HURT that will be caused in the course of this action will be HEALED as we better come to understand His WILL for us in our lives, rather than our selfish will in the moment. i already hope that forgiveness and understanding and PEACE will come of this moment, this tremendously difficult and painful moment.

no regret?

if i don't write this and and get rid of it i will live with regret. or i may do something i will regret.


the regret of holding something in, something that can fester, and weep, and infect, and potentially poison the healing process.

no matter how much i have done to rest and recuperate i had to deal with an open wound, from infection below the skin, that made its way to the surface, and wept out, slowly, over days and time, and needed special care.


i know that the physical healing that i am talking about goes very hand in hand with the emotional healing i need right now.


no matter how far i have come, how much i have forgiven, and how well i seem to be on the surface things are festering below the skin. pains and tremblings, nightmares that unless dealt honestly with can continue to infect my heart and soul.



so here goes. my mom came to help me, to help us, while i was healing physically. my physical healing created a vulnerability in me.
a dependence on those around me to wait on me, and to take care of my kids.


i told you i have focused on the positive, and there are a hundred things she did that were so helpful, and i recognized every single act with appreciation, knowing my inability to do them created a need and she was fulfilling them. she came into my home with a great energy and hope, with honor to do all she could to take care of me.


my mother also came vulnerable; she is insecure and hurting by some things that happened in our family recently. betrayals of her own sister, and my daughter. light laughter's on their behalf towards her, and mocking....nothing that i took lightly and i dealt severely with my own daughter for her participation. but these things, although quickly forgiven, have not been completely forgotten. i see the pain in my daughters eyes as she tries to understand why my mother would do the things she was told of. i see the pain in my mothers eyes as she has now a strained relationship with her granddaughter, because of words. words said to a young girl that have reopened wounds, wounds i spent years trying to soothe and heal for myself. WOUNDS I NEVER WANTED MY CHILD TO EXPERIENCE.




unfairly she heard things, the innocence of her childhood is now pained by knowledge of mine, things i would have rather she never knew.


it would be easy to blame my mental and emotional devastation entirely on this, but that would be a lie.

somewhere along the way
of my healing and neediness
i broke.

like my incision,
something in me festered,
fevered,
and broke open,
and now i am weeping physically
and emotionally.

my mom will be gone by the time i ever feel brave enough to post this, if ever.



and hopefully i will be able to assess what i experienced these weeks, and overcome without creating new regrets in my life.

new pains, pains i create, and those that are ever available to humankind.



but right now i am going out of my mind.
at one point i thought i must be crazy,
she couldn't raise us,
me and my siblings....
what the hell am i doing
inviting her here to help with my kids.


yes, she has changed tremendously,
and she is becoming beautiful,
inside and out,


but what i am feeling right now
is in contrast with any of that.




i am tired, i don't feel well;
physically, emotionally, mentally,
and i am certain i am not making any sense.


i have not gone back to read any of my posts about my mom.

i know they will only compound the wounds
that are so tender right now.

so what i express here,
what i am feeling is in this moment.

it is not the PAST.
it is my PRESENT....my now.




if i could climb a mountain i would scream....SCREAMMMMMMMMMMM


WHYYYYYYYYY....why cant she offer to pick up the kids.

Can she see how tired I am??????

i am so not good at the
ASKING FOR HELP part...



WHYYYYYYYY....cant she make them dinner??????

why cant she just figure it out?????

WHYYYYYYYYY does she always have to ask me

what I AM GOING TO MAKE FOR DINNER TONIGHT????

at one point she complimented me on being so good at creating healthy meals CREATIVELY providing nutrition for my family...
How did I learn to do that?, she asked.
She really just doesn't have that ability, or that confidence.
I do feel so sad for her.
But I answer, "because of you,
I have had to fend for myself since I was two...
I had to learn how."

and , because of her
I so desperately try to do things different.
I so desperately want to be a different kind of Mother.


WHYYYYYYYYYY....does she have to talk

to the dog and cat all day long

and love them so much.

....WHYYYYYYYYYY couldn't she love me that much?????

Sensibly I wonder more specifically
why she can't show her love for me?????


WHYYYYYYYYYYYY does she have to
get so irritated with my kids,

as if they need to be PERFECT..
...she is not even perfect yet,

and neither am I.

and yet she explains
she doesn't like to see them disobeying me
she wants them to be better to me
she is somehow
protecting me???

NOW?????


WHY COULDN"T SHE PROTECT ME THEN?????


for example, one day my daughter was
working outside planting me a flower garden

i went to check on her and my mother said to me
"Don't go out there right now,
that CREEPY GUY is out there,
I don't want him to see you!"

I FREAKED.
MY 13 YEAR OLD
DAUGHTER
IS OUT THERE

ALONE

and she wants to protect me NOW?????


WTF was up with that.
Why didn't she protect me
back when I needed her protection???

aND SERIOUSLY?????

Leaving my 13 year old
outside with the CREEPY GUY
and thinking nothing of it???

I pushed past her and said,
"I am
NOT
leaving her
out there
with him,
What the
Hell are YOU
thinking
???"

And when I

was suppose to be lying in bed
taking care of an open infected wound
instead I was at the store picking up groceries

to bring home to make dinner for everyone.

and WHHHHHYYYYYYYYY does she have to ask me

to drive because she is

more comfortable
with me driving??????

If I am driving and cooking,

and running the kids then

WHHHHHHYYYYYYY
is she here still?????

I know I sound so selfish.

I know that she did not come to do EVERYTHING,

and she has done a lot,

and the 100 things that she did amazing
is what I should be focusing on.

...and I will, in a thank you to her directly,

because she deserves that respect,

...wait...[deserves???]

I don't know,

like I said,

I refuse to go back into my story posts

and read what I felt when she abandoned me,

and when she allowed that asshole to fuck with me.

....deserves is really an overrated adjective.

see what i mean,

about forgiveness.
what is my problem????

i thought i was over this.

it seems that i am grieving, grieving something new,

something that i think is normal.

the NORMAL i wish i had HAD
to have a mother,

a mom....someone to take care of me,

someone who sees the pain i am in
and can comfort me.

something i may have to wait

for the grace of God to ever have.

and so

....i listen to

this:

Evanescence My Immortal

and
this:
Because of You Kelly Clarkson.... [click to link]


and i cry, and the little girl inside of me who is realizing that she will never be able to be hugged and held and comforted, in this life, by a mothers love....is going to go to her grave wishing she knew what that felt like....

CRUSH: freaking out and falling apart

i hate that i feel such a crushing weight of depression setting in.

i don't feel safe with myself.


i just want to scream and run and cry.

i have held everything in, i don't want to write or say things that admit that the smile i have been faking is fake. it sucks to think that i might hurt someone else by admitting that i am in such agony, and feeling so alone.

so i hold it in, and it only hurts me.....right?

the only safety is up high. and the only way to get there is what i have been avoiding more than admitting that this has gotten to hard for me.



the pain inside sucks. i promised myself that i wouldn't let myself feel this way. i promised that i would rise above what anyone else thought. i promised myself i would focus on the positive, and truthfully, there have been so many positives.


what is wrong is wrong within me, and is regardless of anything that i have faced during the past four weeks.


i cant seem to calm down, to catch my breath.

i feel selfish, and i feel hopeless.


i sit here, so alone; lonely in a crowd.

this feeling seems to be common for the abused, the abandoned, the neglected.




i cant seem to hold back the well of tears anymore.

i think i just need to spend some time crying.
and being alone is probably the best thing for me.

alone. in the dark. here in my closet.

muted

i feel i can not write. thus i am bottled up inside. like a volcano capped. eruption is imminent and yet, i am incapable of allowing what is boiling to release. i am muted.


if i write about the pains and frustrations i am having then it would seem i don't appreciate the help i have had while healing. so i have been holding it in. and in doing so seem to have lost my ability to speak. and so i am muted.


if i were to say what i am feeling it would seem to some that i have not really forgiven. the pain i have is related to the past, the things i thought i let go of. so i lay writhing in emotional pain. muted.



physically my healing has been complicated by a tiny sore that has begun to fester. it seems so small, or seemed so....until yesterday, when it looked as if it were really getting worse.

from the outside it looks like such a simple wound.

tiny to the eye.

a bit red,

weeping with infection.

but to the hand it is hot, my stomach is distended,
and i am fevering.
i am also very weakened and feeling sick, nauseated.


i am not good at asking for help, if i rehabed my sign would be ASK ME IF I NEED HELP, i am not good at saying so...

yesterday with this wound i pushed through.

i pushed myself to drive my kids to all the places they needed,

each destination seemed exponentially extended

by some little errand

or extra round for something forgotten.

i pondered.

this is so like my emotional wreckage right now. i seem to be running my mind in circles. i never really reach the destination of healing because i am always going back for something.


and my wound, weeping, is like me....weepy,

and something is festering, heated, boiling inside.

if i could scream i would,

but i am muted.

muted by forgiveness

i feel like i am ungrateful to feel the things i am feeling....

i am so frustrated, so angry, so sad. ....


i am about to erupt...
but i am MUTED...

Kelly Clarkson - Because of you

I will not make the same mistakes that you did

I will not let myself cause my heart so much misery

I will not break the way you did

You fell so hard

I've learned the hard way, to never let it get that far

Because of you

I will never stray too far from the sidewalk

Because of youI learned to play on the safe side

So I don't get hurt

Because of you

I find it hard to trust

Not only me, but everyone around me

Because of you

I am afraid I lose my way

And it's not too long before you point it out

I cannot cry

Because I know that's weakness in your eyes

I'm forced to fake, a smile, a laugh

Every day of my life

My heart can't possibly break

When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you

I will never stray too far from the sidewalk

Because of you

I learned to play on the safe side

So I don't get hurt

Because of you

I find it hard to trust

Not only me,

but everyone around me

Because of youI am afraid

I watched you die

I heard you cry

Every night in your sleep

I was so young

You should have known better than to lean on me

You never thought of anyone else

You just saw your pain

And now I cry

In the middle of the night

For the same damn thing

Because of you

I will never stray too far from the sidewalk

Because of you

I learned to play on the safe side

So I don't get hurt

Because of you

I tried my hardest just to forget everything

Because of you

I don't know how to let anyone else in

Because of you

I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty

Because of you

I am afraid

Because of you

Because of you