come into my closet, come under my bed, where you'll find me hiding,
the fear in my head.

abuse in the past, now, where do i start, making my future,
healing my heart.

crushed, and broken, falling fast-
needing comfort, make it last.

Saturday, June 26, 2010

lost and stolen things

my destination is up to me. i pray for strength to know what choices to make so that i find myself where He desires me to be.

i have been in the shower mid-washing my hair while the heat of the water soothes my aching neck and back i thought of a few things, so naturally i threw on my robe and here i am.

with you.

with friends i have never met, who seem to care and understand better than those who claim to love me most.

i have a huge decision to make today.
one that will test the very

foundation of my family as a unit.

i am losing my oldest son to a family member who has meddled and loved us from day one. however it is an unhealthy meddling that has been pointed out to me by multiple other family members who can see what i have seen all along but chosen to allow because of my love and compassion for people, for her. but at this point i feel that i have made a mistake and that i haven't considered what is in the best interest of my children and family, and that unfortunately have perpetuated the cycle of unhealthy mental and emotional abuse that has been years coming with this particular part of our family.

i LOVE this family member immensely. i have chosen to allow the interaction with our children to a point of chaos. and consequently the effects are long damaging for me, but more important for my children.

it was a simple event yesterday, but it was literally the straw that broke the camels back; and today, after hours of tears that have left my eyes swollen shut, my husband and i have decided that it is done. it is over.

we have got to make the move that is most important for the well-being of our children. and in the interest of the health of their childhood have come to some very difficult decisions.

i literally mean that we are on the cusp of action. action that will change forever the course of their childhood, and hopefully prevent or shorten the need for them to be in therapy as adults.

i feel so terrible that i have allowed this to go on for so long out of love and respect for this person. i love her dearly, but have continued to be concerned for the circumstance.

if we don't act now we will have more to regret.

the most frightening thing is that we may lose one of our children over this. he is too deep into the problem. i am not willingly losing him, but have the greatest hope that if we follow what we are inspired to do, and pray dearly, that he will come back to us.

FAMILIES ARE FOR PAIN AND TRIALS THAT WILL LEAD US TO THE DESTINATION THAT HE MOST DESIRES FOR US. I HAVE HOPE THAT WE WILL BE A fOReVEr fAMiLY! but it will only be by the grace of God and our willingness to do the very hardest things we have ever faced with courage that we will make it to that sacred and wonderful place.

please PRAY, and wish me STRENGTH and COURAGE to do what i feel is right at this time. and that the HURT that will be caused in the course of this action will be HEALED as we better come to understand His WILL for us in our lives, rather than our selfish will in the moment. i already hope that forgiveness and understanding and PEACE will come of this moment, this tremendously difficult and painful moment.


Grace said...

Sending you all the strength and courage I can muster up.
and some safe, gentle, calming hugs, if okay.
~ Grace

Just Be Real said...

I am so touched by your words and my heart aches for yours dear one. Praying for you and your whole family.

Anonymous said...

I am sorry to read about the difficult family circumstances you are facing. Sending you thoughts filled with strength and courage, and of hope for the day. God bless you and hugs!

VICKI IN AZ said...

You can do this. You can trust yourself, you are worth every speck of effort. Believe in yourself and in your family. He is with you, He does love you, let yourself feel that love and let it strengthen you.
You are a treasure, be gentle with yourself and do what you need to take care of you and your little family, let HIM take care of the rest of them, HE will.


Anonymous said...


who I was, who I am, who I plan to be...

i am trying to heal from severe childhood sexual, emotional,
physical, and mental abuse; and abandonment.

this is my story.

i have good and bad days, and some days the odds seem insurmountable.
i cling to the hope that healing will come to mend the shatter pieces of my heart, mind and body.

mile 191, well, you will understand as you read along.
mile 191, portions of my past have a link on the top right.
mile 191, bottoms up. hears to you and to me.

please, if you know me, just let me know you found me. i need honesty. (and please do not use personal names)
if you want to follow my story, please try to heal with me.
if you want to share with me, please do.
i will post bits of my pain as i can, and leave it here.
i once thought that i would publish...i haven't had the courage.

this is my closet, you are welcome to come in.
just know this is my refuge, healing takes place here,
maybe it will be a refuge to you too.

Quotes from Suvivors United - Standing Strong Together Against Abuse

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.
Eleanor Roosevelt

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
Helen Keller

Success is not to be measured by the position someone has reached in life, but the obstacles he has overcome while trying to succeed.
Booker T. Washington

When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard, ' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'
Sydney Harris

Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.
Richard L. Evans

Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.
Joshua J. Marine

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thanks CORNUT32! ♥

What a sweet award....and thanks for creating something so wonderful that can be passed along to bloggers who are indeed making a difference by sharing their lives.

I invite all my faithful and dear blogger friends to take this award. You indeed have made a difference in my life.

Thank you so much for being with me on my journey to heal....mile 191