come into my closet, come under my bed, where you'll find me hiding,
the fear in my head.

abuse in the past, now, where do i start, making my future,
healing my heart.

crushed, and broken, falling fast-
needing comfort, make it last.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

muted

i feel i can not write. thus i am bottled up inside. like a volcano capped. eruption is imminent and yet, i am incapable of allowing what is boiling to release. i am muted.


if i write about the pains and frustrations i am having then it would seem i don't appreciate the help i have had while healing. so i have been holding it in. and in doing so seem to have lost my ability to speak. and so i am muted.


if i were to say what i am feeling it would seem to some that i have not really forgiven. the pain i have is related to the past, the things i thought i let go of. so i lay writhing in emotional pain. muted.



physically my healing has been complicated by a tiny sore that has begun to fester. it seems so small, or seemed so....until yesterday, when it looked as if it were really getting worse.

from the outside it looks like such a simple wound.

tiny to the eye.
a bit red,
weeping with infection.
but to the hand it is hot, my stomach is distended,
and i am fevering.
i am also very weakened and feeling sick, nauseated.


i am not good at asking for help, if i rehabed my sign would be ASK ME IF I NEED HELP, i am not good at saying so...

yesterday with this wound i pushed through.
i pushed myself to drive my kids to all the places they needed,
each destination seemed exponentially extended
by some little errand
or extra round for something forgotten.
i pondered.


this is so like my emotional wreckage right now. i seem to be running my mind in circles. i never really reach the destination of healing because i am always going back for something.


and my wound, weeping, is like me....weepy,

and something is festering, heated, boiling inside.
if i could scream i would,
but i am muted.
muted by forgiveness
i feel like i am ungrateful to feel the things i am feeling....


i am so frustrated, so angry, so sad. ....


i am about to erupt...
but i am MUTED...

5 comments:

Steve Finnell said...

you are invited to follow my blog

steveroni said...

OH my, MILE...I just saw your comment on my blog. Girl, stop what you are doing, thinking, just STOP! Now, take a couple deep breaths. Now, know that God loves you--I know you know that! And your Peeps love you too, and your family. Oh, how much they want to see you happy, serene, at peace within yourself.

OK, now, is there ANYONE you know who could use a kind word, a listening ear, a held hand? If so GO AT IT, girl.

ANYTHING, anything, just you must climb OUT of MILE right NOW, and climb into another dimension of existence.

I am writing, but Another is pressing these keys--not me, I assure you. HOLD on, HANG on, tthe world, heaven, earth and all between, are on YOUR side. ALL want your demons to IMMEDIATELY flee! (I have said enough here.

So MILE, go with the LOVE of God, Who needs you to do His work. The love of your family, THEY need you. Your friends ALSO are loving you, needing you. And your blogging Peeps love you too, and I am one of them...WE ALSO need you. OK? Pray with me this minute, PLEASE!

文辰 said...

人不可以求其備,必捨其所短,取其所長 ............................................................

LeShel said...

how could I not have read this sooner than this morning? listen to steveroni.

VICKI IN AZ said...

Hi mile,
You have expressed these feelings so tenderly here. I hope you have passed through this test my dear. Sorry I have missed so much.

I wish you had a good therapist so badly. I know that it would help you.

xoxo I am off to read more.
Vicki

who I was, who I am, who I plan to be...

i am trying to heal from severe childhood sexual, emotional,
physical, and mental abuse; and abandonment.


this is my story.

i have good and bad days, and some days the odds seem insurmountable.
i cling to the hope that healing will come to mend the shatter pieces of my heart, mind and body.


mile 191, well, you will understand as you read along.
mile 191, portions of my past have a link on the top right.
mile 191, bottoms up. hears to you and to me.


please, if you know me, just let me know you found me. i need honesty. (and please do not use personal names)
if you want to follow my story, please try to heal with me.
if you want to share with me, please do.
i will post bits of my pain as i can, and leave it here.
i once thought that i would publish...i haven't had the courage.


this is my closet, you are welcome to come in.
just know this is my refuge, healing takes place here,
maybe it will be a refuge to you too.


Quotes from Suvivors United - Standing Strong Together Against Abuse

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.
Eleanor Roosevelt

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
Helen Keller

Success is not to be measured by the position someone has reached in life, but the obstacles he has overcome while trying to succeed.
Booker T. Washington

When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard, ' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'
Sydney Harris

Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.
Richard L. Evans

Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.
Joshua J. Marine


What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thanks CORNUT32! ♥



What a sweet award....and thanks for creating something so wonderful that can be passed along to bloggers who are indeed making a difference by sharing their lives.

I invite all my faithful and dear blogger friends to take this award. You indeed have made a difference in my life.

Thank you so much for being with me on my journey to heal....mile 191