if i write about the pains and frustrations i am having then it would seem i don't appreciate the help i have had while healing. so i have been holding it in. and in doing so seem to have lost my ability to speak. and so i am muted.
if i were to say what i am feeling it would seem to some that i have not really forgiven. the pain i have is related to the past, the things i thought i let go of. so i lay writhing in emotional pain. muted.
physically my healing has been complicated by a tiny sore that has begun to fester. it seems so small, or seemed so....until yesterday, when it looked as if it were really getting worse.
from the outside it looks like such a simple wound.
tiny to the eye.
a bit red,
weeping with infection.
and i am fevering.
i am also very weakened and feeling sick, nauseated.
i am not good at asking for help, if i rehabed my sign would be ASK ME IF I NEED HELP, i am not good at saying so...
yesterday with this wound i pushed through.
i pushed myself to drive my kids to all the places they needed,
each destination seemed exponentially extended
by some little errand
or extra round for something forgotten.
this is so like my emotional wreckage right now. i seem to be running my mind in circles. i never really reach the destination of healing because i am always going back for something.
and my wound, weeping, is like me....weepy,
and something is festering, heated, boiling inside.
if i could scream i would,
but i am muted.
muted by forgiveness
i feel like i am ungrateful to feel the things i am feeling....
i am so frustrated, so angry, so sad. ....
i am about to erupt...
but i am MUTED...