no regret?

if i don't write this and and get rid of it i will live with regret. or i may do something i will regret.


the regret of holding something in, something that can fester, and weep, and infect, and potentially poison the healing process.

no matter how much i have done to rest and recuperate i had to deal with an open wound, from infection below the skin, that made its way to the surface, and wept out, slowly, over days and time, and needed special care.


i know that the physical healing that i am talking about goes very hand in hand with the emotional healing i need right now.


no matter how far i have come, how much i have forgiven, and how well i seem to be on the surface things are festering below the skin. pains and tremblings, nightmares that unless dealt honestly with can continue to infect my heart and soul.



so here goes. my mom came to help me, to help us, while i was healing physically. my physical healing created a vulnerability in me.
a dependence on those around me to wait on me, and to take care of my kids.


i told you i have focused on the positive, and there are a hundred things she did that were so helpful, and i recognized every single act with appreciation, knowing my inability to do them created a need and she was fulfilling them. she came into my home with a great energy and hope, with honor to do all she could to take care of me.


my mother also came vulnerable; she is insecure and hurting by some things that happened in our family recently. betrayals of her own sister, and my daughter. light laughter's on their behalf towards her, and mocking....nothing that i took lightly and i dealt severely with my own daughter for her participation. but these things, although quickly forgiven, have not been completely forgotten. i see the pain in my daughters eyes as she tries to understand why my mother would do the things she was told of. i see the pain in my mothers eyes as she has now a strained relationship with her granddaughter, because of words. words said to a young girl that have reopened wounds, wounds i spent years trying to soothe and heal for myself. WOUNDS I NEVER WANTED MY CHILD TO EXPERIENCE.




unfairly she heard things, the innocence of her childhood is now pained by knowledge of mine, things i would have rather she never knew.


it would be easy to blame my mental and emotional devastation entirely on this, but that would be a lie.

somewhere along the way
of my healing and neediness
i broke.

like my incision,
something in me festered,
fevered,
and broke open,
and now i am weeping physically
and emotionally.

my mom will be gone by the time i ever feel brave enough to post this, if ever.



and hopefully i will be able to assess what i experienced these weeks, and overcome without creating new regrets in my life.

new pains, pains i create, and those that are ever available to humankind.



but right now i am going out of my mind.
at one point i thought i must be crazy,
she couldn't raise us,
me and my siblings....
what the hell am i doing
inviting her here to help with my kids.


yes, she has changed tremendously,
and she is becoming beautiful,
inside and out,


but what i am feeling right now
is in contrast with any of that.




i am tired, i don't feel well;
physically, emotionally, mentally,
and i am certain i am not making any sense.


i have not gone back to read any of my posts about my mom.

i know they will only compound the wounds
that are so tender right now.

so what i express here,
what i am feeling is in this moment.

it is not the PAST.
it is my PRESENT....my now.




if i could climb a mountain i would scream....SCREAMMMMMMMMMMM


WHYYYYYYYYY....why cant she offer to pick up the kids.

Can she see how tired I am??????

i am so not good at the
ASKING FOR HELP part...



WHYYYYYYYY....cant she make them dinner??????

why cant she just figure it out?????

WHYYYYYYYYY does she always have to ask me

what I AM GOING TO MAKE FOR DINNER TONIGHT????

at one point she complimented me on being so good at creating healthy meals CREATIVELY providing nutrition for my family...
How did I learn to do that?, she asked.
She really just doesn't have that ability, or that confidence.
I do feel so sad for her.
But I answer, "because of you,
I have had to fend for myself since I was two...
I had to learn how."

and , because of her
I so desperately try to do things different.
I so desperately want to be a different kind of Mother.


WHYYYYYYYYYY....does she have to talk

to the dog and cat all day long

and love them so much.

....WHYYYYYYYYYY couldn't she love me that much?????

Sensibly I wonder more specifically
why she can't show her love for me?????


WHYYYYYYYYYYYY does she have to
get so irritated with my kids,

as if they need to be PERFECT..
...she is not even perfect yet,

and neither am I.

and yet she explains
she doesn't like to see them disobeying me
she wants them to be better to me
she is somehow
protecting me???

NOW?????


WHY COULDN"T SHE PROTECT ME THEN?????


for example, one day my daughter was
working outside planting me a flower garden

i went to check on her and my mother said to me
"Don't go out there right now,
that CREEPY GUY is out there,
I don't want him to see you!"

I FREAKED.
MY 13 YEAR OLD
DAUGHTER
IS OUT THERE

ALONE

and she wants to protect me NOW?????


WTF was up with that.
Why didn't she protect me
back when I needed her protection???

aND SERIOUSLY?????

Leaving my 13 year old
outside with the CREEPY GUY
and thinking nothing of it???

I pushed past her and said,
"I am
NOT
leaving her
out there
with him,
What the
Hell are YOU
thinking
???"

And when I

was suppose to be lying in bed
taking care of an open infected wound
instead I was at the store picking up groceries

to bring home to make dinner for everyone.

and WHHHHHYYYYYYYYY does she have to ask me

to drive because she is

more comfortable
with me driving??????

If I am driving and cooking,

and running the kids then

WHHHHHHYYYYYYY
is she here still?????

I know I sound so selfish.

I know that she did not come to do EVERYTHING,

and she has done a lot,

and the 100 things that she did amazing
is what I should be focusing on.

...and I will, in a thank you to her directly,

because she deserves that respect,

...wait...[deserves???]

I don't know,

like I said,

I refuse to go back into my story posts

and read what I felt when she abandoned me,

and when she allowed that asshole to fuck with me.

....deserves is really an overrated adjective.

see what i mean,

about forgiveness.
what is my problem????

i thought i was over this.

it seems that i am grieving, grieving something new,

something that i think is normal.

the NORMAL i wish i had HAD
to have a mother,

a mom....someone to take care of me,

someone who sees the pain i am in
and can comfort me.

something i may have to wait

for the grace of God to ever have.

and so

....i listen to

this:

Evanescence My Immortal

and
this:
Because of You Kelly Clarkson.... [click to link]


and i cry, and the little girl inside of me who is realizing that she will never be able to be hugged and held and comforted, in this life, by a mothers love....is going to go to her grave wishing she knew what that felt like....