come into my closet, come under my bed, where you'll find me hiding,
the fear in my head.

abuse in the past, now, where do i start, making my future,
healing my heart.

crushed, and broken, falling fast-
needing comfort, make it last.

Sunday, June 6, 2010

no regret?

if i don't write this and and get rid of it i will live with regret. or i may do something i will regret.


the regret of holding something in, something that can fester, and weep, and infect, and potentially poison the healing process.

no matter how much i have done to rest and recuperate i had to deal with an open wound, from infection below the skin, that made its way to the surface, and wept out, slowly, over days and time, and needed special care.



i know that the physical healing that i am talking about goes very hand in hand with the emotional healing i need right now.


no matter how far i have come, how much i have forgiven, and how well i seem to be on the surface things are festering below the skin. pains and tremblings, nightmares that unless dealt honestly with can continue to infect my heart and soul.



so here goes. my mom came to help me, to help us, while i was healing physically. my physical healing created a vulnerability in me.
a dependence on those around me to wait on me, and to take care of my kids.



i told you i have focused on the positive, and there are a hundred things she did that were so helpful, and i recognized every single act with appreciation, knowing my inability to do them created a need and she was fulfilling them. she came into my home with a great energy and hope, with honor to do all she could to take care of me.


my mother also came vulnerable; she is insecure and hurting by some things that happened in our family recently. betrayals of her own sister, and my daughter. light laughter's on their behalf towards her, and mocking....nothing that i took lightly and i dealt severely with my own daughter for her participation. but these things, although quickly forgiven, have not been completely forgotten. i see the pain in my daughters eyes as she tries to understand why my mother would do the things she was told of. i see the pain in my mothers eyes as she has now a strained relationship with her granddaughter, because of words. words said to a young girl that have reopened wounds, wounds i spent years trying to soothe and heal for myself. WOUNDS I NEVER WANTED MY CHILD TO EXPERIENCE.




unfairly she heard things, the innocence of her childhood is now pained by knowledge of mine, things i would have rather she never knew.


it would be easy to blame my mental and emotional devastation entirely on this, but that would be a lie.
somewhere along the way
of my healing and neediness
i broke.

like my incision,
something in me festered,
fevered,
and broke open,
and now i am weeping physically
and emotionally.




my mom will be gone by the time i ever feel brave enough to post this, if ever.



and hopefully i will be able to assess what i experienced these weeks, and overcome without creating new regrets in my life.
new pains, pains i create, and those that are ever available to humankind.



but right now i am going out of my mind.
at one point i thought i must be crazy,
she couldn't raise us,
me and my siblings....
what the hell am i doing
inviting her here to help with my kids.



yes, she has changed tremendously,
and she is becoming beautiful,
inside and out,


but what i am feeling right now
is in contrast with any of that.





i am tired, i don't feel well;
physically, emotionally, mentally,
and i am certain i am not making any sense.



i have not gone back to read any of my posts about my mom.

i know they will only compound the wounds
that are so tender right now.


so what i express here,
what i am feeling is in this moment.
it is not the PAST.
it is my PRESENT....my now.





if i could climb a mountain i would scream....SCREAMMMMMMMMMMM


WHYYYYYYYYY....why cant she offer to pick up the kids.
Can she see how tired I am??????

i am so not good at the
ASKING FOR HELP part...



WHYYYYYYYY....cant she make them dinner??????
why cant she just figure it out?????
WHYYYYYYYYY does she always have to ask me
what I AM GOING TO MAKE FOR DINNER TONIGHT????

at one point she complimented me on being so good at creating healthy meals CREATIVELY providing nutrition for my family...
How did I learn to do that?, she asked.
She really just doesn't have that ability, or that confidence.
I do feel so sad for her.
But I answer, "because of you,
I have had to fend for myself since I was two...
I had to learn how."

and , because of her
I so desperately try to do things different.
I so desperately want to be a different kind of Mother.


WHYYYYYYYYYY....does she have to talk
to the dog and cat all day long
and love them so much.
....WHYYYYYYYYYY couldn't she love me that much?????
Sensibly I wonder more specifically
why she can't show her love for me?????



WHYYYYYYYYYYYY does she have to
get so irritated with my kids,
as if they need to be PERFECT..
...she is not even perfect yet,
and neither am I.


and yet she explains
she doesn't like to see them disobeying me
she wants them to be better to me
she is somehow
protecting me???

NOW?????


WHY COULDN"T SHE PROTECT ME THEN?????


for example, one day my daughter was
working outside planting me a flower garden

i went to check on her and my mother said to me
"Don't go out there right now,
that CREEPY GUY is out there,
I don't want him to see you!"

I FREAKED.
MY 13 YEAR OLD
DAUGHTER
IS OUT THERE

ALONE

and she wants to protect me NOW?????


WTF was up with that.
Why didn't she protect me
back when I needed her protection???

aND SERIOUSLY?????

Leaving my 13 year old
outside with the CREEPY GUY
and thinking nothing of it???

I pushed past her and said,
"I am
NOT
leaving her
out there
with him,
What the
Hell are YOU
thinking
???"






And when I
was suppose to be lying in bed
taking care of an open infected wound
instead I was at the store picking up groceries
to bring home to make dinner for everyone.



and WHHHHHYYYYYYYYY does she have to ask me
to drive because she is
more comfortable
with me driving??????



If I am driving and cooking,
and running the kids then
WHHHHHHYYYYYYY
is she here still?????



I know I sound so selfish.
I know that she did not come to do EVERYTHING,
and she has done a lot,
and the 100 things that she did amazing
is what I should be focusing on.
...and I will, in a thank you to her directly,
because she deserves that respect,
...wait...[deserves???]
I don't know,
like I said,
I refuse to go back into my story posts
and read what I felt when she abandoned me,
and when she allowed that asshole to fuck with me.
....deserves is really an overrated adjective.




see what i mean,
about forgiveness.
what is my problem????
i thought i was over this.


it seems that i am grieving, grieving something new,
something that i think is normal.





the NORMAL i wish i had HAD
to have a mother,
a mom....someone to take care of me,
someone who sees the pain i am in
and can comfort me.



something i may have to wait
for the grace of God to ever have.


and so
....i listen to
this:
Evanescence My Immortal


and
this:
Because of You Kelly Clarkson.... [click to link]


and i cry, and the little girl inside of me who is realizing that she will never be able to be hugged and held and comforted, in this life, by a mothers love....is going to go to her grave wishing she knew what that felt like....

15 comments:

Shadow said...

hang in there hunny. hugs and love!

Grace said...

"the little girl inside of me who is realizing that she will never be able to be hugged and held and comforted, in this life, by a mothers love....is going to go to her grave wishing she knew what that felt like...."
Your words resonate with me. The words you spoke above I have said to myself many, many times. And I have yet to figure out a way to grieve that loss.
I am hoping you find moments of peace today....
Sending you safe hugs today
Grace

April_optimist said...

It is in the speaking up, opening the old wounds that we begin to have the chance of real and loving relationships with others. That's true whether it's abuse or some other issue. Big, big ((((((hugs)))))).

I came to say good-bye, too. I've written about it on my blog. Know that you will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Just Be Real said...

((((Mile)))))
Mile here listening, seeing and sensing our pain.

LeShel said...

I was just going to send you an email and ask you tell me how you're really feeling. I love you my dear. I can't wait to hold you in my arms and spend time together. The kids playing and us basking in time.
You are progressing. You are. This is progress because it's honest. We have to be honest... STEP ONE!!
Save a seat for me at one of those meetings.

惠萍惠萍 said...

Some people cannot see the wood for the trees. ............................................................

tyroneb said...

成熟,就是有能力適應生活中的模糊。..................................................

reeselane said...

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Marj aka Thriver said...

Wow! I have so many mixed emotions reading this post. It's so complicated...and with you still physically healing, too. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Hey, I just realized today that this week marks the 4-year anniversary of THE BLOG CARNIVAL AGAINST CHILD ABUSE. I'm hosting it at my own blog on Friday. Do you have an old post you could submit real quick and easy? I don't want to add stress, but I'd love it if you'd join us for the anniversary edition.

Take gentle care (((((((gentle hugs)))))))))

Eve said...

My heart hurts for you. All I can offer you is my thoughts and prayers.

宛齊陳 said...

要持續更新下去喲!!祝你心情愉快.............................................................

穆靜如 said...

感謝你的分享 要繼續發表好文章喔

貢慧 said...

良言一句三冬暖,惡語傷人六月寒。....................................................................

怡潔怡潔 said...

Poverty is stranger to industry.....................................................................

SapphireDreams said...

I hope that you are feeling better. I know this is hard for you. You have to be one hell of a woman as strong as you are! I know you probably don't look at it that way..but you are or at least you are in my book. Feel better soon..safe hugs

who I was, who I am, who I plan to be...

i am trying to heal from severe childhood sexual, emotional,
physical, and mental abuse; and abandonment.


this is my story.

i have good and bad days, and some days the odds seem insurmountable.
i cling to the hope that healing will come to mend the shatter pieces of my heart, mind and body.


mile 191, well, you will understand as you read along.
mile 191, portions of my past have a link on the top right.
mile 191, bottoms up. hears to you and to me.


please, if you know me, just let me know you found me. i need honesty. (and please do not use personal names)
if you want to follow my story, please try to heal with me.
if you want to share with me, please do.
i will post bits of my pain as i can, and leave it here.
i once thought that i would publish...i haven't had the courage.


this is my closet, you are welcome to come in.
just know this is my refuge, healing takes place here,
maybe it will be a refuge to you too.


Quotes from Suvivors United - Standing Strong Together Against Abuse

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.
Eleanor Roosevelt

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
Helen Keller

Success is not to be measured by the position someone has reached in life, but the obstacles he has overcome while trying to succeed.
Booker T. Washington

When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard, ' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'
Sydney Harris

Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.
Richard L. Evans

Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.
Joshua J. Marine


What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thanks CORNUT32! ♥



What a sweet award....and thanks for creating something so wonderful that can be passed along to bloggers who are indeed making a difference by sharing their lives.

I invite all my faithful and dear blogger friends to take this award. You indeed have made a difference in my life.

Thank you so much for being with me on my journey to heal....mile 191