come into my closet, come under my bed, where you'll find me hiding,
the fear in my head.

abuse in the past, now, where do i start, making my future,
healing my heart.

crushed, and broken, falling fast-
needing comfort, make it last.

Saturday, June 5, 2010

CRUSH: freaking out and falling apart

i hate that i feel such a crushing weight of depression setting in.

i don't feel safe with myself.


i just want to scream and run and cry.

i have held everything in, i don't want to write or say things that admit that the smile i have been faking is fake. it sucks to think that i might hurt someone else by admitting that i am in such agony, and feeling so alone.

so i hold it in, and it only hurts me.....right?



the only safety is up high. and the only way to get there is what i have been avoiding more than admitting that this has gotten to hard for me.



the pain inside sucks. i promised myself that i wouldn't let myself feel this way. i promised that i would rise above what anyone else thought. i promised myself i would focus on the positive, and truthfully, there have been so many positives.


what is wrong is wrong within me, and is regardless of anything that i have faced during the past four weeks.


i cant seem to calm down, to catch my breath.

i feel selfish, and i feel hopeless.


i sit here, so alone; lonely in a crowd.

this feeling seems to be common for the abused, the abandoned, the neglected.




i cant seem to hold back the well of tears anymore.

i think i just need to spend some time crying.
and being alone is probably the best thing for me.

alone. in the dark. here in my closet.

6 comments:

Prayer Girl said...

Sometimes there is just no way to avoid feeling the feelings we are trying to avoid. Reach out to people who love and support you as you go through this painful time.

Prayers for you.

PG

Jess Mistress of Mischief said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uYam5OItF3A&feature=related

Keep your eyes focused up, allow the closeness of a loving creator.

Jesus gave all for the suffering, you are special and can serve in such an amazing capacity of strength for others, others who need that kind of experience, strength and love to see the reflection of strength and hope! :)

God be with you today in the realzization of strength, healing and love that comes from the most hopeless situations and experiences. Jesus lived beyond the human abuse over and over, his disciples do too!

I see this in you!

Superfluous Brunette said...

You are so in touch with your pain and your emotions...probably why it hurts so much. Many people avoid, run away or do not acknowledge and in some ways it can be sad not to know the depths of ourselves. You know it and that is exactly where your beauty can be found too. Your raw emotions and words you share are beautiful, not horrible like you think. See the beauty in feeling these feelings.

Much love and healing to you! You are not alone.
Kim

LeShel said...

love you!love you!love you!love you!love you!love you!love you!love you!love you!love you!love you!love you!love you!love you!love you!love you!love you!love you!love you!love you!love you!love you!love you!love you!love you!love you!love you!love you!love you!love you!love you!love you!love you!love you!

Sophie in the Moonlight said...

I just came out of a 5 month depression we've now named The Great Depression of '10. I wrote a haiku about it in February.

It's called Locked Without all the pretty pictures, it goes:

Locked inside myself
Screaming, banging on the walls.
Alone without keys.


When we are depressed, we are locked inside our heads with our own worst enemies: our intrusive thoughts, our snarky self-deprecations, our Thought Monkeys (can't explain all of that concept, but I have a blog post about it that seems to have gone viral in certain circles: http://sophieinthemoonlight.blogspot.com/2008/05/thought-monkeys.html

Love, YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Just take on 5 minutes at a time when you can't breathe and take care of yourself. You are ill. Your feelings are sick. Take care of them. Sleep. Move your body b/c it moves your mood - just little 4 block strolls will make a difference. Set one goal for yourself a day even if it's just taking a shower and when you've checked it off you can be proud of your accomplishment. Cancel any appointments or dates that you don't feel like going to and tell them you have the flu. You do, sort of. Take. Care. Of. You. and DO NOT kick yourself for it. You are worthy of self-care.

((((hugs)))) from someone who really gets it and has gotten through depression more times than she should have.


Namaste,

-Sophie

VICKI IN AZ said...

"When reality confronts our notion of what reality SHOULD be, reality always wins. We don't like this (that is, we have trouble ACCEPTING this), so we either struggle with reality and become upset, or turn away from it and become unconscious. If you find yourself upset or unconscious - or alternating between the two - about something, you might ask yourself, 'What am I not accepting about this?" JOHN_ROGER

Mile I found this yesterday.
I hope it helps if not now at some other time. It is very pertinent to my life. I always seam to need so much time to accept things that are painful.
xoxo

who I was, who I am, who I plan to be...

i am trying to heal from severe childhood sexual, emotional,
physical, and mental abuse; and abandonment.


this is my story.

i have good and bad days, and some days the odds seem insurmountable.
i cling to the hope that healing will come to mend the shatter pieces of my heart, mind and body.


mile 191, well, you will understand as you read along.
mile 191, portions of my past have a link on the top right.
mile 191, bottoms up. hears to you and to me.


please, if you know me, just let me know you found me. i need honesty. (and please do not use personal names)
if you want to follow my story, please try to heal with me.
if you want to share with me, please do.
i will post bits of my pain as i can, and leave it here.
i once thought that i would publish...i haven't had the courage.


this is my closet, you are welcome to come in.
just know this is my refuge, healing takes place here,
maybe it will be a refuge to you too.


Quotes from Suvivors United - Standing Strong Together Against Abuse

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.
Eleanor Roosevelt

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
Helen Keller

Success is not to be measured by the position someone has reached in life, but the obstacles he has overcome while trying to succeed.
Booker T. Washington

When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard, ' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'
Sydney Harris

Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.
Richard L. Evans

Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.
Joshua J. Marine


What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thanks CORNUT32! ♥



What a sweet award....and thanks for creating something so wonderful that can be passed along to bloggers who are indeed making a difference by sharing their lives.

I invite all my faithful and dear blogger friends to take this award. You indeed have made a difference in my life.

Thank you so much for being with me on my journey to heal....mile 191