come into my closet, come under my bed, where you'll find me hiding,
the fear in my head.

abuse in the past, now, where do i start, making my future,
healing my heart.

crushed, and broken, falling fast-
needing comfort, make it last.

Monday, September 20, 2010

excerpts and focus

ahem...this will be a bit candid,
but also coded.

I posted a couple of entries a while back and then pulled them.
a few of you read them. and then i disappeared.

for the past 79 days i have been pondering....ALOT

I wrote this ...

my destination is up to me.
i pray for strength to know what choices to make so that i find myself where He desires me to be.

i have been in the shower mid-washing my hair while the heat of the water soothes my aching neck and back, allowing my eyes to weep an ocean of tears, and i thought of a few things, so naturally i threw on my robe and here i am.

with you.

with friends i have never met.

and then i wrote about some worries I had and some decisions that i was needing to make.

i can not post those things now.

it is eerie to me to say this
but exactly
what i was worrying
about those almost
80 days ago
was exactly
what i needed to be worrying about.

never in my life have i wished that i could be WRONG more than i have wished in the past couple of months.

Sadly I was right.

then i wrote:

i have a huge decision to make.
one that will test the very foundation of my family as a unit.

... at this point i feel that i have made a mistake and that i haven't considered what is in the best interest of my children and family, and that unfortunately has perpetuated the cycle of unhealthy mental and emotional exposure.

my intent now is to hopefully prevent
or shorten the need for them to be in therapy as adults.



but it will only be by the grace of God and our willingness to do the very hardest things we have ever faced as a family with courage that we will make it to that sacred and wonderful place for all.

at that time I PLEADED:

please PRAY, and wish me STRENGTH and COURAGE to do what i feel is right at this time. and that the HURT that will be caused in the course of this action will be HEALED as we better come to understand His WILL for us in our lives, rather than our selfish will in the moment. i already hope that forgiveness and understanding and PEACE will come of this moment; this tremendously difficult and painful moment.

Okay, so none of that probably really makes sense, however I am so thAnkFuL that i wrote then, so that now I can see progress. It seems really that it has been three steps forward 100 steps back, ...however...I am not minding that I have backstepped 100 steps because the place I am now gives me opportunity to see where mistakes were made, and gives me hope that as we move forward we can make things right and better for all.

1 comment:

Don Carlo said...

So long a time since I have posted a comment here--even had to change my 'name' (of the blog!)

So now I play 'catch-up', and, reading backwards, I stopped here. It is SO wonderful that you have conquered yourself enough to brave writing your thoughts, desires, hurts.

This IS a healing place. For you, for others, and for me. In God's time we shall all meet in that place--wherever. And we shall all be healed. That IS what I believe!

who I was, who I am, who I plan to be...

i am trying to heal from severe childhood sexual, emotional,
physical, and mental abuse; and abandonment.

this is my story.

i have good and bad days, and some days the odds seem insurmountable.
i cling to the hope that healing will come to mend the shatter pieces of my heart, mind and body.

mile 191, well, you will understand as you read along.
mile 191, portions of my past have a link on the top right.
mile 191, bottoms up. hears to you and to me.

please, if you know me, just let me know you found me. i need honesty. (and please do not use personal names)
if you want to follow my story, please try to heal with me.
if you want to share with me, please do.
i will post bits of my pain as i can, and leave it here.
i once thought that i would publish...i haven't had the courage.

this is my closet, you are welcome to come in.
just know this is my refuge, healing takes place here,
maybe it will be a refuge to you too.

Quotes from Suvivors United - Standing Strong Together Against Abuse

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.
Eleanor Roosevelt

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
Helen Keller

Success is not to be measured by the position someone has reached in life, but the obstacles he has overcome while trying to succeed.
Booker T. Washington

When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard, ' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'
Sydney Harris

Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.
Richard L. Evans

Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.
Joshua J. Marine

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thanks CORNUT32! ♥

What a sweet award....and thanks for creating something so wonderful that can be passed along to bloggers who are indeed making a difference by sharing their lives.

I invite all my faithful and dear blogger friends to take this award. You indeed have made a difference in my life.

Thank you so much for being with me on my journey to heal....mile 191