but also coded.
I posted a couple of entries a while back and then pulled them.
a few of you read them. and then i disappeared.
for the past 79 days i have been pondering....ALOT
I wrote this ...
my destination is up to me.
i pray for strength to know what choices to make so that i find myself where He desires me to be.
i have been in the shower mid-washing my hair while the heat of the water soothes my aching neck and back, allowing my eyes to weep an ocean of tears, and i thought of a few things, so naturally i threw on my robe and here i am.
with friends i have never met.
and then i wrote about some worries I had and some decisions that i was needing to make.
i can not post those things now.
it is eerie to me to say this
what i was worrying
about those almost
80 days ago
what i needed to be worrying about.
never in my life have i wished that i could be WRONG more than i have wished in the past couple of months.
Sadly I was right.
then i wrote:
i have a huge decision to make.
one that will test the very foundation of my family as a unit.
... at this point i feel that i have made a mistake and that i haven't considered what is in the best interest of my children and family, and that unfortunately has perpetuated the cycle of unhealthy mental and emotional exposure.
my intent now is to hopefully prevent
or shorten the need for them to be in therapy as adults.
FAMILIES ARE FOR....ever? or FOR PAIN AND TRIALS THAT WILL LEAD US TO THE DESTINATION THAT HE MOST DESIRES FOR US.
I HAVE HOPE
THAT WE WILL BE A
but it will only be by the grace of God and our willingness to do the very hardest things we have ever faced as a family with courage that we will make it to that sacred and wonderful place for all.
at that time I PLEADED:
please PRAY, and wish me STRENGTH and COURAGE to do what i feel is right at this time. and that the HURT that will be caused in the course of this action will be HEALED as we better come to understand His WILL for us in our lives, rather than our selfish will in the moment. i already hope that forgiveness and understanding and PEACE will come of this moment; this tremendously difficult and painful moment.
Okay, so none of that probably really makes sense, however I am so thAnkFuL that i wrote then, so that now I can see progress. It seems really that it has been three steps forward 100 steps back, ...however...I am not minding that I have backstepped 100 steps because the place I am now gives me opportunity to see where mistakes were made, and gives me hope that as we move forward we can make things right and better for all.