come into my closet, come under my bed, where you'll find me hiding,
the fear in my head.

abuse in the past, now, where do i start, making my future,
healing my heart.

crushed, and broken, falling fast-
needing comfort, make it last.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

personal revelation

aha.

yep, i am having an aha moment, or rather personal revelation.

i woke up about an hour ago, weird because i have been sleeping so well for ....well MONTHS now. my body and mind have felt very healthy and i have been content. those restless weary days and nights i had become accustomed to took a break and i have slept through the night very well.

this waking moment was truly weird for me.

as i lay there my mind was peacefully flooded with thought. wide awake i pondered these thoughts and it seemed that words were literally translated into my mind. =personal revelation.

i realized that this discontent that has interrupted an otherwise content and peaceful period of my healing really is nothing that i can solve.

it is really not mine
to resolve.


recently the opinion that a few others have had of me has been altered, however this morning it became completely clear to me that it has not been altered by ME. nothing i have done or changed about me is the damage done. it is the opinion of someone else, like muck thrown on a window pane. my reputation has been altered for some because of their choice to view me through the opinion of others. and the truth is that i can do nothing to change that, and i really shouldn't try or worry about it.

do i want to clear things up?


of course.

am i going to be miserable until things change?

not at all.


i have been so sad, so teary; so trembling with heartache
that it felt that who i am was beginning to change, ...but no more.

i realized this morning
that i am at peace.
i have tried to make peace.
and I have found PEACE.

i have taken in the muck and the slandering comments and processed them and really unnecessarily wasted a lot of time and emotion participating in the process of trying to resolve something that the other party is not willing to resolve...yet

i realize that i am trying to carry their burden with them,
and it is not in any way mine to carry.
their opinion of me is theirs,
not mine.

they have the right to choose
how they behave
and what they do with that opinion
and although it is painfully sorrowful
that their choice
includes sharing that opinion
of me with others,
it still does not need
to become my burden.



even when such opinion changes the window pane in which others view me, i am still not responsible for it.
i am only responsible for my reaction to it. i am still me.


i have found peace in that i realized that the only thing that i can do is take what i hear and place it where it belongs. in a literal garbage disposal. it is garbage words, garbage thoughts;
necessary of immediate disposal.

i have no use
for the opinion of others
toward me.



a couple weeks ago it was clear to me that because of this circumstance that a trusted friend had changed their opinion of me. as if to judge me, and i understood not why. i couldn't figure out what had changed.

as it has become clear to me that their view of me has been altered by the opinion another has shared with them i became caught up in that.
almost as if to devastate me.

how could this person see me so differently?
why was i being judged so unfairly?



i realize it is because i have held my tongue. i have not given them any reason to see the situation any differently because i have chosen to not speak ill of the circumstance, or of the other person.


i have taken the fall, the weight of the burden with my silence, because of my respect for the other party i have refused to clear up any misconceptions that might be had of me.

that will not change.

it is not of my will
to make another be seen different.


i would rather suffer the consequence of others choosing to see me through the window pane that is mucked by deceit and opinions and slandering thoughts than to utter a single word unkindly regarding the other party involved.

they are my family, and i love and forgive them.
now the hard part is to forget, move forward,
and to live with a broken heart.

8 comments:

Prayer Girl said...

There is nothing more glorious than that peace that passes all understanding. I am so happy you have peace.

PG

Mer said...

what an encouraging post.... i added you to my blog list at http://agirlsruminations.blogspot.com :)

Superfluous Brunette said...

It is a great realization when we learn we are carrying the burden of others, we are trying to process their unresolved crap. I have always done this. I made other people's behaviours and words mean something about me...and they do not! They mean something about them. It is our reaction and actions that define us.
I think we learn this as we start building a stronger sense of self.

Much peace to you!

Patty said...

Hi Mile, just stopping by to let you know that even though you might not hear from me that often anymore, you are still in my thoughts and prayers every, single day.
Love, Patty

LeShel said...

It's been too long since I stopped by. This post is beautiful!! YOU are beautiful.

Marj aka Thriver said...

This sounds very healthy and balanced to me, Mile. I hope that you are still feeling that peace. *HUGS*

LADYBUG said...

Mile!, you have come a long way! I love you, and specially your family should love you and pamper you, for that is what family is for, nobody can judge what is in your heart and you decide to share with us, nobody can change your true self, I wish you many blessing coming your way these Holidays and always, ignore the fools, embrace the wise and you are wise. Love you, Ladybug.

SapphireDreams said...

Good for you MILE!! Be you!! Safe hugs ((((MILE))))

who I was, who I am, who I plan to be...

i am trying to heal from severe childhood sexual, emotional,
physical, and mental abuse; and abandonment.


this is my story.

i have good and bad days, and some days the odds seem insurmountable.
i cling to the hope that healing will come to mend the shatter pieces of my heart, mind and body.


mile 191, well, you will understand as you read along.
mile 191, portions of my past have a link on the top right.
mile 191, bottoms up. hears to you and to me.


please, if you know me, just let me know you found me. i need honesty. (and please do not use personal names)
if you want to follow my story, please try to heal with me.
if you want to share with me, please do.
i will post bits of my pain as i can, and leave it here.
i once thought that i would publish...i haven't had the courage.


this is my closet, you are welcome to come in.
just know this is my refuge, healing takes place here,
maybe it will be a refuge to you too.


Quotes from Suvivors United - Standing Strong Together Against Abuse

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.
Eleanor Roosevelt

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
Helen Keller

Success is not to be measured by the position someone has reached in life, but the obstacles he has overcome while trying to succeed.
Booker T. Washington

When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard, ' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'
Sydney Harris

Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.
Richard L. Evans

Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.
Joshua J. Marine


What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thanks CORNUT32! ♥



What a sweet award....and thanks for creating something so wonderful that can be passed along to bloggers who are indeed making a difference by sharing their lives.

I invite all my faithful and dear blogger friends to take this award. You indeed have made a difference in my life.

Thank you so much for being with me on my journey to heal....mile 191