personal revelation

aha.

yep, i am having an aha moment, or rather personal revelation.

i woke up about an hour ago, weird because i have been sleeping so well for ....well MONTHS now. my body and mind have felt very healthy and i have been content. those restless weary days and nights i had become accustomed to took a break and i have slept through the night very well.

this waking moment was truly weird for me.

as i lay there my mind was peacefully flooded with thought. wide awake i pondered these thoughts and it seemed that words were literally translated into my mind. =personal revelation.

i realized that this discontent that has interrupted an otherwise content and peaceful period of my healing really is nothing that i can solve.

it is really not mine
to resolve.

recently the opinion that a few others have had of me has been altered, however this morning it became completely clear to me that it has not been altered by ME. nothing i have done or changed about me is the damage done. it is the opinion of someone else, like muck thrown on a window pane. my reputation has been altered for some because of their choice to view me through the opinion of others. and the truth is that i can do nothing to change that, and i really shouldn't try or worry about it.

do i want to clear things up?


of course.

am i going to be miserable until things change?

not at all.


i have been so sad, so teary; so trembling with heartache
that it felt that who i am was beginning to change, ...but no more.

i realized this morning
that i am at peace.
i have tried to make peace.
and I have found PEACE.

i have taken in the muck and the slandering comments and processed them and really unnecessarily wasted a lot of time and emotion participating in the process of trying to resolve something that the other party is not willing to resolve...yet

i realize that i am trying to carry their burden with them,
and it is not in any way mine to carry.
their opinion of me is theirs,
not mine.
they have the right to choose
how they behave
and what they do with that opinion
and although it is painfully sorrowful
that their choice
includes sharing that opinion
of me with others,
it still does not need
to become my burden.

even when such opinion changes the window pane in which others view me, i am still not responsible for it.
i am only responsible for my reaction to it. i am still me.


i have found peace in that i realized that the only thing that i can do is take what i hear and place it where it belongs. in a literal garbage disposal. it is garbage words, garbage thoughts;
necessary of immediate disposal.

i have no use
for the opinion of others
toward me.

a couple weeks ago it was clear to me that because of this circumstance that a trusted friend had changed their opinion of me. as if to judge me, and i understood not why. i couldn't figure out what had changed.

as it has become clear to me that their view of me has been altered by the opinion another has shared with them i became caught up in that.

almost as if to devastate me.

how could this person see me so differently?
why was i being judged so unfairly?

i realize it is because i have held my tongue. i have not given them any reason to see the situation any differently because i have chosen to not speak ill of the circumstance, or of the other person.


i have taken the fall, the weight of the burden with my silence, because of my respect for the other party i have refused to clear up any misconceptions that might be had of me.

that will not change.

it is not of my will
to make another be seen different.

i would rather suffer the consequence of others choosing to see me through the window pane that is mucked by deceit and opinions and slandering thoughts than to utter a single word unkindly regarding the other party involved.

they are my family, and i love and forgive them.
now the hard part is to forget, move forward,
and to live with a broken heart.