help wanted

i slept!

it is really exciting enough to exclamation point!!

i probably don't have to explain, but survivors often find themselves wrecked with body memories and night terror when experiencing what i felt with yesterdays situation.

so i am thrilled to say i slept.

yes, steve E. my friend :) see comments (: has been with me reading since the beginning, and thus he and many other friends here have heard me and have held my hurts with me in private places of their hearts. because you have heard me you have held me and i am healing.

i know that prayer was huge for me last night. as i prayed and kept my prayers focused on her hurts, this woman who opened up to me. i prayed for her and i felt i was also praying for many of you who stop by here, and whose places of healing and hope i tread.

i also felt a prayer for the child in me still trying to heal. i felt that i was her grown-up praying for a healing peace for her, for me. and somehow in the night i got that.

i am LDS. morman. also i enjoy Buddha and tao of pooh, and other taoisms, anything peaceful which bears witness of His peace and comfort as is available to me. i am a 12 stepper and find help and hopes there. but last night i turned my thoughts to St. Anthony.

my Great Great Great Grandmother Sarah was catholic, before joining the Mormon religion over in Ireland. yep, fiery irish catholic turned mormon. i feel her blood run thick through me. her stubborn blood. lol

St. Anthony's Feast Day is June 13, however his watchful peace can be invoked anytime. The Catholic feel that it is important to emulate this servant of God in our love helping others. He gave sermons of Christ eight centuries ago and his sermons were so inspiring that they spread throughout France and Italy for 10 years until his death.

St. Anthony of Padua (1195 - 1231), patron of the poor. People prayed to ask for help particularly to find lost or stolen items.

This is where my devotion comes in. I have a pendant and I wear it very often. My prayer for my lost, my stolen; childhood and innocence.

See, even yesterday, as I stood, apparently my frozen fear looked more like a pillar of strength to my husband. Yet, I was able to listen, and to look in her eyes, and see her own strength. She did need someone to listen to her, and I did. I didn't solve or even try to comfort, sadly. Only saying I was so sorry that she went through all that. She replied to me that she felt strong and found that she was able to handle a lot more than she ever thought. It was awful but she somehow felt protected from the destruction of it. I told her that I could see that strength in her and she seemed really empowered. She also felt that and knew that it was He who gives us all blessing that was giving her comfort. Yesterday I forgot that part. I forgot how I was able to see that in her and that I felt it too. He does that for us. They do; Our Father and Jesus Christ.

As I went to sleep last night I read some of St. Anthony's prayer. I left my pendant on. I prayed to my Heavenly Father. I slept.

St. Anthony was a member of the religious order founded by St. Frances of Assisi. He was canonized as a saint by Pope Gregory IX in 1232, calling him Ark of the Covenant. St. Anthony was known as the "hammer of heretics" for his devotion to faith.

i hope to be such a heretic for what i hope to stand strong for/against. may i have such faith.

my pendant portrays one of the miracles attributed to St. Anthony. It is that of him holding the Christ Child, as protector of the baby Jesus. The protector of Christ, who is protector of all, who is our protector, my protector. to me this is so beautiful.

This vision of St. Anthony as Christs' protector was one that he humbly asked not to be pronounced until after his death. It was not his vision, but that of others. They and he kept it private, in secret, not to be revealed in St. Anthony's lifetime. He was that awesome.

The St. Anthony prayer that I love is one that talks about him being a perfect imitator of Jesus. He followed Christ's ways and tried in all ways to be like Him. The prayer pleads for the special power of restoring lost things. For this I do not think of my childhood as much as my innocence.

may I be strong enough, i pray, to overcome the challenges of my childhood and to be blessed with a peaceful innocence.

The prayer actually says "at least restore to me peace and tranquility of mind, the loss of which has afflicted me even more than my material loss."

Then goes on to say "to this favor I ask another of you: that I may always remain in possession of the true good that is God. Le me rather lose all things than lose God, my supreme good. Let me never suffer the loss of my greatest treasure, eternal life with God. Amen"


anyhow, i do love the ideal of St. Anthony, as an example of the life of Christ, and of the peace knowing that even Christ needed someone to watch over Him. I like to think that I would have offered to watch over Him too. Knowing that in reality all I can do is offer love and listen, it is and will never be mine to solve and resolve. ...and yes, that is primarily what we should do for each other here in this life, hear in our healing places.

I also love the truth that the power of God is to restore all things that are lost to us temporarily. We will be made whole, His grace is sufficient.



thanks for being here to hear me. :)

i thought i was better than this

pun not intended. i really did.

i thought i was well enough to be able to help people. to listen. to hear.

why is this breaking me so much?

this week i have been pondering all the E. Smart is doing to move forward. getting married, community efforts for children abused. speaking out and helping with abductions. she seems to have such a strength. somewhere here i wrote about what she was quoted saying and i knew that it was because of her faith and her family. maybe that is it....my faith lacks. idk, but i am happy for her.

this week i was thinking that it is my turn to help, maybe today was a test. maybe it was to show me if i can or can not help others heal. all i could say today was "i am so sorry for what happened to you. you seem to have such a strength." i said that.

i really meant it.

where is my strength?

B. said that to me today as the tears fell, he said, finally, "i am sorry for what happened to you" i cried worse.

i needed to hear that.

maybe i am not ready to help anyone else. i wanted to be ready.

maybe my inner child is still too broken.

maybe i am still too shattered.

i sit in a chair, weeping, still in unbelief.

my prayer is for her, this woman. may she heal and be blessed to keep up her strength. she seemed so empowered. i was happy for her.

while i was listening i felt frozen. i felt fear. i felt like it was all happening right there. to her, to me. and my children, my sons were sitting not to far from me. i wanted to scream for them to run. i didn't want them to hear what i was hearing. i saw my B. he looked at me. my mind pleaded for him to help me. please. he prompted it was time to go and turned to walk away. i felt stunned. all i could say was "please get the boys and take them" save them. i couldn't save myself.

i just stood there.

she needed someone to hear her, and i did.

i thought i was better than this.

i thought i could help others.

maybe i am not ready.

B. heard me. he said to me tonight that he heard my voice in his head say "i need your help"

but he turned to walk away. why?

i don't understand.

will anyone save me.

ever.

i know i am not that little girl. i am her grown - up

it is up to me to rescue her now.

i thought i was better.

i thought i was better than this.

today: triggers

this day, this sabbath. someone asked me how i am really doing. ...

how am i doing? really???

i suppose okay. i finally lost a little bit of grip on the rope of life, dangling over the edge, gazing below at the jagged rocks, knowing full well i can just let go and He will be there to help me fall. and really REALLY ...all will be well.

i haven't written for a while. i had a great post for January...beginnings, anew. fresh outlook, choosing happiness, and joy, because that is just it: joy is a choice. i wanted to talk about all the wonderful possibilities i was feeling ...and then life swooped in and i missed that ChaNcE to write while i had this bit of pondering, a positive pondering, even while juggling l i f e!

you would have LOVED it! and i am sorry i missed that moment. it is fuzzy but still somewhat fresh in my heart.

we found out that the growth had cancer. this time, out of a bakers dozen growths and surgeries, this one, the one i was healing from in December, had the c-word cells. my doctor was so positive that it was all going to be okay. a few days before Christmas he told me. it was my scheduled appointment.

i went alone.

it was okay. really.

i didn't feel panic, always thought i would. if it ever happened to me.

if anything i felt the compassion of a doctor that didn't overreact. sure he told me that i would be back to work the next day, after surgery in December, and we all know that was not reality. it sucked. i tried to go back to work, i work from home, a seriously spoiled stay at home mother who loves her job, but day after surgery to wake up to work and be expected to work as if i hadn't had c-word cut out of me the day before....it was rough.

anyhow, he said that i just needed to wait til February and test again. we did, and all is well. they got it early and the surrounding tissue looks healthy and LUCKY. blessed, that's the word i am focused on.

anyhow, no panic. still hanging in there, toughing it out. although truly counting blessings while hanging over the jagged rocks. and very thankful. i sound like a dichotomy.

i did find out this month that i have a hernia. that, interestingly, the hernia, is the pain i have been in probably always, or at least most of the last 20 years. which has led them to find the tumors and question why they are hurting me so much. these types of tumors usually don't hurt. well, the pain, led me to the discovery of the growths, and the removal and the keeping me from a serious type of c-word. so i am still in pain, and each pain i count my blessings.


today, this physical pain is also reflective of something deeper. today someone told me about a terrible violent act of rape that happened to her this week. she told me in such detail that i flinch again. that body memory that had been gone for so long. as she told me i stood there, safely in the foyer of church, with an unreal reel of an old movie playing in my head, where me, a young girl, lived years of the same act that she was grieving. hostage, my memory, her experience, in an instant was re-lived.

i hate that i can be so healthy for so long and it can all come crashing in, shattering me.



it is my anniversary today. my husband naturally wants to lovingly hug me and i can't even be touched. i have wept most of the afternoon; while washing salad, while shredding meat, while preparing desert and setting the table...19 years, happy anniversary dear. you would understand if you had ever been raped.

tough it out

well, thats not working well.

i have been trying to tough some things out for far too long now.


you ask:

how are you?



i reply:

i'm fine, i'm great,
all is well,
swell, perfect,
sometimes just okay.


and truth, i am fine, i am great, all is well, or pretty well, sometimes swell, not quite perfect, close to it in many aspects, and generally i am okay. i mean, i have an abundance of gratitude, and my attitude reflects gratitude, and happiness, and even laced with some cheerfulness. plus i am good at smiling and pasting on a happy face. i save my complaints and my whining for my kids and mr. B. really. poor people who have to hear all to many times that i don't feel good, i am stressed. i have too much NOT done and i am freaking out. yep, that sounds about right!

this diatribe is not meant to make anyone feel they have to swoop in fix anything. we don't really have anything that needs fixing. we don't need dinners, maids, therapists....haha...now I sound a little pathetic. like: relationship issues, i am fine, i don't need anything, etc...when i am really dying inside for you to read my mind and there are a billion things you could be doing differently. haha. really, that is NOT what i am intending here.

i just need to write.

writing heals me.

i have about 100 journals to prove that my writing process is cathartic, and i have years of personal social improvement to show that i do overcome.

right now just need to say it out loud.

we have been toughing it out, and where it all looks fine it really is harder than i am showing it.

so, when i broke down a couple weeks ago and started talking about how we are really doing....first in prayer, then to random people who asked "how are you?"....help arrived. in the form of peace, and interesting phone conversations, and direction to some helps that can really help us. and then prayer again, thanking Him for more blessings in abundance.

we really are going to be okay. we are pretty tough actually, and all will be well.

thanks for asking!



pps: i know we are not the only ones trying to TOUGH IT OUT....that's life. in fact, i suspect i could know more about YOU. i mean, you are here, reading this and probably wondering why i haven't asked you recently how you are. I am sorry for that. I mean no offense. And I really do appreciate you reading, and listening, and caring. ThanKs. most important, si tu veux, HoW R YOU? really?!!

Healing

Tonight I bring a different healing moment to my closet. It's been a while, a long while, since I have spent time here. I had comments to moderate from moons ago. I am sorry I didn't see to them sooner. Truth. I get the comments in my email and I love hearing from you. When you are healing it is so nice to know someone notices. You noticed and you commented and it means a lot to me.

Today I need to be here. To write. It is the only place I know I can write that no one will come up to me at school or church and say something in regards to the issue. What I write here today I don't want to face tomorrow. I leave it. It needs to be said out loud. I need someone to hear me. I need to know that you care and your comments are all that. Then I move forward. Sounds like healing to me.

I had surgery again yesterday. Again because I have a problem growing tumors. They are always benign so no worries. But it's a big deal because the pain I go through is annoying up to removal, then the surgery, the inconvenience and all that comes with recovering. I have grown stuff for 20+ years. All the time that I have been with mr. B. We were dating when I first had a growth. He still married me, for better or worse.

Anyhow, I think the last time I blogged I mentioned said tumor and it hasn't been a party since. I get really emotional and irritable and am in pain a lot. Thus I am a pain to those close to me. Even though I try to control it, I still suffer those around me as we live with it.

I put off ultrasounds for a few months. It looked like nothing so I just lived day to day. About October I began to notice the intensity changing so I scheduled an ultrasound. It had changed. Time three it's size and not one that I could let grow further. Out it had to come. That was three weeks ago. Surgery was yesterday.

I'm writing because I am really frustrated and biting my tongue. I bite my tongue whenever something hurts me and I try to hold back the angry words. I know it will pass but the fact that when what is bothering me is being held in it feels like the old days of abuse. I dont want to live like that. So I write.

I didn't want to do this surgery at all. The timing is bad. Too much to be done these days for my family and the holidays and on top of that my two oldest need their wisdom teeth out. One was done this past Monday. One next week. It just seemed an inconvenience to throw in my surgery in the middle. However mr. B really wanted me to do it. He sees me in pain, it's noble, he doesn't want me to hurt anymore.

Here's the problem. The rambling. Begins. We get to the hospital yesterday and I can already tell that this is a task for B. He is dropping me off and headed home to get our three children off to schools and check on our recovering wisdom tooth surgery child. Of course my concern and instinct is toward the children as well. I put them first, always. And the hospital is taking a very long time. It's irritating, I mention that this is not a great time for this, for us. He just wants it done. Check...off the list. And I can tell. It's a task. There is no nurturing on his part. I feel his stress and it's hard for me. So I get settled and he can hardly wait to get home. Times a ticking. The kids need him. He leaves and I am alone. First off that is horrible for me. My past and being alone in hospitals doesnt go well. But I handle it. I think of my mom. I know if she could be there in spirit she would be and with my eyes closed I almost feel her with me.

I go into surgery and wake up. I can't open my eyes and I am so nauseous. I am alone.

It's a while before he comes back and then he is just in a hurry to get me out of there. Home bound. His agenda is to get me there. He has to go to work. I asked him if he took the day off. He says no. I ask if he told his work I was having surgery. They would understand. The answer again. No.

He keeps telling me to wake up.
Why are you sleeping?
I am so nauseous I can not open my eyes. I have been sick but he wasn't there so he doesn't realize the trauma from surgery. He just sees me peacefully sleeping. Peacefully???

Again, why are you sleeping? Honestly, have you seen Finding Nemo where Nemo is upside-down in the bag pretending to be dead and the little girl with horrid braced is shaking the bag screaming why are you sleeping???

He is that horrid girl. I am Nemo.

I finally told him to just leave. I am not going anywhere. I was seriously so sick, and he was making it worse. Thus he did finally go. The nurse was irritated at his impatience but she certainly didn't let on to it when he was around. It felt awful. I was so embarrassed I just wanted to go home. I made myself rush through their checklist and ready me for home before he got back. He could hardly dress me fast enough to getnout to the car. He was so annoying about it. I just wanted to hide.

I got dressed. He left for the car. I threw up all the meds he gave me before he rushed out of the room. All the juice, the pills, everything. He missed it and only wondered what took so long to get me to the car. I got a quick ride home and then left to sleep.

Mr. Responsible adult headed back to work. I slept the rest of the day. My four wonderful children checked in on me throughout the afternoon. He crawled in bed at some point and left again this morning. Today I got a text asking me if I had set up a family to come to Sunday dinner yet. We have people over each Sunday so he just wanted to be sure I was on top of that.

He came home to drop off one son from school and found me resting and acted surprised at my sleeping. I had asked him if the hospital sent home any instructions with him. I knew only enough from past experience what to expect, how to rest, not drive, etc. He got the instructions and started to look over them...a day late and consideration short, I just got up and showered. I then assisted our children in their chores and homework and got dinner made. I don't know much about what I am suppose to be doing but I know what I expect of myself and thus I am functioning there.

Tonight I just feel sad. I texted him a few things and after about 5 texts I get the one word answer "okay". As if that is even an answer to any of it. No NOT OKAY. Seriously.

It's not really that I needed him to be here with me. Or there with me. At the hospital. I just needed him to be patient and recognize the circumstance. I don't doubt that he is stressed with work. We are fortunate he has a job that provides so well. I get that neither B or his work got the memo that I was having surgery, thus I would need a little patience and time to recover.

I woke up this morning and felt great. I guess that having been in as much pain as I have been in for the past months that recovering from surgery is a piece of cake. Physically I do feel pretty great. I overdid it tonight in my frustration but other than that I feel great.

I wanted to tell him that. I wanted him to ask me how I am feeling so I could tell him that. The day is near over. He is at work. He hasn't asked.

Emotionally I think I am okay. Believe it or not. Just telling you here I feel healed. I can breathe. And smile. And go tuck my kids in.

This is me today. Here in my closet. It is not abused me trying to heal. It is just me. Thanks for listening.