come into my closet, come under my bed, where you'll find me hiding,
the fear in my head.

abuse in the past, now, where do i start, making my future,
healing my heart.

crushed, and broken, falling fast-
needing comfort, make it last.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

pain is painful

"mamma please stop crying,
i can't stand the sound,
your pain is painful and
it's tearing me down"

...i told dad you didn't mean
those nasty things you said...

this is my shelter....

growing up in
world war three...."


hurting...when will it go away?

my little boy prayed a week ago:

"Please help me to work hard
and work fast
so that I can have all my recesses."

i promised myself that I would ALWAYS remember this prayer,
and NEVER forget it.

it made such sense to me. he didn't ask God to do his work for him and just give him the blessing of all his recesses. he asked God to help him to WORK HARD and to WORK that he could have his recesses.

he asked God to help him and he told God why....he wanted to have his recesses, ALL of them, and in his expression of FaiTh he stated help ME TO WORK....

a willingness to HARD and work FAST....

His words really got me to thinking...

How willing am I to work HARD and work FAST so that I get all my recesses in life. Seriously how many of us think about asking for the strength, the help to WORK!!! I think too many times we are so busy just asking for blessings to happen for us. We want things to just happen.

Nothing happens by chance. Nothing worthwhile anyhow. We work, and while we are working, anxiously engaged in good causes, we find our peace, our happiness, our strength, our HEALING....our recesses.

With all the thoughts I have been having lately...pondering my own process of healing, of overcoming fears, and letting go of my painful past.... i realize that until i anxiously engage myself in the WORK of healing, of honestly opening myself, letting the dam flood, that i am holding back on the blessing of RECESS in my life.

The definition of Recess is:
a temporary withdrawal from
or halting from work....

the key word here is temporary

While looking up the definition of Recess I came across the definition of Recover. I have often said that I am in recovery. But I don't remember if I have ever really pondered Recovery.

To Recover means to get back something that was lost or stolen. This felt so good to me to think that I could get back what was stolen from me. My childhood, my sense of peace, of being whole, healthy mentally and emotionally, and physically.

I then looked up the definition of WORK:
physical or mental effort exerted to do or make something.

I find myself in a reflection of my past, present, and future here.

I have to work out my past, here in the present, so that in the future I can take pleasure in my recesses, with hope, healing and a feeling of wellness, of being whole, of Recovery.

I want to stop crying, to stop aching, to stop fretting about everything all of the time.

I desire to find a place for the pain that is so painful,
and take a recess from it, I want recovery.

I have the understanding that the pain will not just "go away",
but if I am willing to WORK....

I pray for help to WORK HARD, to WORK FAST,
so that I may fully understand
and enjoy the blessing of Recess.


sarah said...

hey miles, Everytime I read your posts, I am amazed at the depth of them. I never knew Recess meant recovery but it makes sense. Stay strong girl....this recovery is such a dance but it's like my daughter who one day puts on last winter's pj's and is shock to find she's outgrown them.....recovery to me is the same. We don't even notice it until one day we try to put on the old....and are shocked to notice we've outgrown it. Tons of hugs. Sarah

Prayer Girl said...

We get out of the opportunities God gives us just about to the extent that we put effort into them.

God does for us what we cannot do for ourselves. BUT, God does not do for us what we CAN do for ourselves.

Until I became willing to do the work required, I didn't get very far in sobriety. When I became completely willing to go to any lengths to get sober, I DID. AND I STAYED SOBER.

When I work hard at my sobriety and peace of mind, I am able to experience the beautiful recesses of life.

Loved this post,

Jess Mistress of Mischief said...

I love what prayer girl says, it always makes sense.

Praying that you find the peace in the work and receive the recesses too!

Just Be Real said...

Blessings to you dear. When I think of recess, I am immediately taken back to my school days when as kids we were aloud to go out and play. The definition you stated here makes total sense in our recovery as well.

Much blessings and hugs to you dear one....

Marsha said...

Just stay strong, just keep stayin' strong...

Lisa Marie said...

What an amazing post. I need a clapping icon here!

The knowledge that comes from kids is just amazing some times... may we all be able to work hard and fast.

Steve E. said...

So wonderful that you have the spirtuality which allows you to admire a child's prayer, and use it for your own.

Many poarents would somply fluff off as child's prayer, as something God will not hear, listen to.

And He said, "Let the little children come to me".....


who I was, who I am, who I plan to be...

i am trying to heal from severe childhood sexual, emotional,
physical, and mental abuse; and abandonment.

this is my story.

i have good and bad days, and some days the odds seem insurmountable.
i cling to the hope that healing will come to mend the shatter pieces of my heart, mind and body.

mile 191, well, you will understand as you read along.
mile 191, portions of my past have a link on the top right.
mile 191, bottoms up. hears to you and to me.

please, if you know me, just let me know you found me. i need honesty. (and please do not use personal names)
if you want to follow my story, please try to heal with me.
if you want to share with me, please do.
i will post bits of my pain as i can, and leave it here.
i once thought that i would publish...i haven't had the courage.

this is my closet, you are welcome to come in.
just know this is my refuge, healing takes place here,
maybe it will be a refuge to you too.

Quotes from Suvivors United - Standing Strong Together Against Abuse

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.
Eleanor Roosevelt

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
Helen Keller

Success is not to be measured by the position someone has reached in life, but the obstacles he has overcome while trying to succeed.
Booker T. Washington

When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard, ' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'
Sydney Harris

Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.
Richard L. Evans

Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.
Joshua J. Marine

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thanks CORNUT32! ♥

What a sweet award....and thanks for creating something so wonderful that can be passed along to bloggers who are indeed making a difference by sharing their lives.

I invite all my faithful and dear blogger friends to take this award. You indeed have made a difference in my life.

Thank you so much for being with me on my journey to heal....mile 191