Assignment from Hell?: her REGRET

I am currently taking a Marriage and Family course. I find myself struggling with some of the course material and we are getting into the issues of parenting, childhood; with abuse and neglect issues right around the corner.

The questions are loaded with meaning and as I write responses I find myself in conflict with what I want to write and what I find myself able to write. Sometimes the assignments rip my heart, yet again, to pieces. I want to write something simple, easy and without really scratching my own surface...what I find is that I am writing more...

What I am finding
is that in the opening
of wounds I can heal them.



The Question:
Based on your life experiences, what makes a good parent? What makes a bad parent? Does your definition of what makes a good or bad parent change depending on the age of the child? Should our parenting styles or techniques change as our children get older or should they stay the same? Explain. In your family of orientation, what child-rearing attitudes (authoritarian, permissive, or authoritative) predominated? What impact did your parents child-rearing attitudes have on you? Interview either one or both of your parents. If you do not have access to your parents, interview the parents of a close friend or relative. Ask them to describe their greatest joys and challenges as a parent. If they had to do it again, what would they do differently? What would they do the same?



My response:
Looking to this assignment with trepidation I have finally emotionally and with great perspective completed the task at hand. Beginning with the "based on... life experience" I have come to some conclusions as to what I feel makes a good parent. Going into this assignment I had really strong affirmation as to what makes a BAD parent, both of my parents fell under that category.

What I discovered is that even as I make mistakes I am doing my best, ...better than that, I believe I am a GOOD parent!!!

Based on your life experiences, what makes a good parent? What makes a bad parent?
Beginning with the bad. Being selfish is the number one quality that I believe contributes to bad parenting.

I think that when you choose to become a parent that you have a crucial role in another persons life and well being and that you can not longer BE SELFISH.

Having perspective I realize that I make many wise decisions to put myself first and I do not see the negative effects on my children in stated appropriate cases because there is a GREAT difference between tending to ones self and being selfish.


My philosophy and perspective is this:

I have come to make decisions based on whether my need can be a positive thing for my children, needs like tending to ones self so that positive parenting is the outcome rather than negative parenting.

There is GREAT difference between this and being SELFISH.

Thus I do believe that
one's self must be attended to
in order to be
a positive parent.

The selfish that I allude to as negative is that of spending money and time for selfish desires. These negative desires include but are not limited to: alcohol, pornography, drugs, abusing for self satisfaction, indulgence in fast food, avoiding responsibility by reading novels/sewing/computer time/[fill in the blank]... shopping, and anything obsessively allotted.

Selfishly choosing previously mentioned obsessions and addictions over spending money on groceries, health care, clothing and shelter, or paying school fees:... and time management that does not contribute to a safe and healthy environment of love and attention to a child's well-being absolutely has a negative impact; as was the case for me growing up.

This negative effect stays with a child and seems to create effects that are long term in adult children.

These effects include but are not limited to insecurity, post-traumatic stress, cycle of addictive behavior, feeling unloved, feelings of inadequacy, inability to function as an adult, irrational response and behaviors, never feeling nurtured, not allowing others to love you, mental emotional disorders, dysfunction, and often repeating the abuse that you suffered as a child.



SO, WHAT MAKES A GOOD PARENT?

I overlook this in many regards because I am so focused on what I am doing wrong, [part of thus stated INSECURITY].

What would I have wanted,
what kind of parent do I desire to be?

I desire to be the kind of parent who listens to my children. Who is firm in BELIEFS and in NURTURING. Whose children go to bed with FULL BELLIES, with WARM blankets, CLEAN pajamas and teeth. Whose child has GOOD HEALTH CARE and SHELTER.

Whose children are HUGGED, and TOLD that they are LOVED, whose children KNOW that their parents are going to stand on the sidelines cheering them on.

Whose child knows they have great value and worth and that they are LOVED beyond any human understanding. Which children understand FORGIVENESS and PATIENCE and RESPONSIBILITY and COMPASSION and INDIVIDUAL WORTH, because they have had these things abundantly all their lives.

Does your definition of what makes a good or bad parent change depending on the age of the child?
I do not think that my definition of bad parenting is different based on the child's age. I think that a selfish parent has different effects at different ages because children have different needs and demands at different stages.

Parents who are selfish have difficulty meeting those diverse needs. Parents who are selfish don't recognize the negative effects on their child, they are completely lost and blinded by their selfishness.


The definition of a good parent, on the other hand, can have different meanings. I believe that children need many of the previously noted qualities in their lives. To what degree each is offered is individual to the relationship between the parent and the child.

In my lacking of many of these qualities I find that some are much more important to me than others. My children, on the other hand, who have been blessed with these in abundance, would pick some to be more important than others. Again, because their childhood is the only experience they are going to have, they are going to be much more secure than I can ever imagine, and their needs are unique to what they have experienced.
Should our parenting styles or techniques change as our children get older or should they stay the same? Explain.
Parenting styles must change as children get older. Rules and definitions of abilities change based on what is in the best interest of the child. That can be hard when you have children of all ages because to a child they don't feel like things are fair when the rules are different. I always explain that you are right, the rules are different because of your different needs. If your needs were the same as your younger/older sibling than the rules for you would be the same.

Usually a child can make sense of this particularly when you state that a 15 year old should then have the same bedtime as an 8 year old if the rules were to always be the same. And an 8 year old does not want to have the same chores or hours of homework as their 15 year old sibling.

Children can understand with confidence in their parents when communication is open, often and effective.

Therefore parenting techniques and styles have to change to meet the needs of the child and the parent based on age and stages of life.


In your family of orientation, what child-rearing attitudes (authoritarian, permissive, or authoritative) predominated?

For my childhood I could not really put the parenting into one category. Without getting too personal here there was absolutely no consistency:

it varied between neglect and beatings.

Interview either one or both of your parents. If you do not have access to your parents, interview the parents of a close friend or relative.
I spoke to my mother briefly about her parenting once and have chosen to not open the can of worms again for this assignment.
I had a dead-beat dad, who has become an in and out grandparent, and thus can not or rather, choose not, to open that can either.
My step-father should be removed from the universe and I prefer to not attempt a conversation with him.

My mother, in our brief conversation stated that she had a lot of regrets. I have a great deal of scars emotionally when it comes to her regrets;
I am one of them. I am her regret.


Healing:
At this point I must say that I am indebted to foster parents who took a late teen and loved her to a point of being secure enough to marry and desire to have a family of her own.

In third person,
I see this girl
and have a great compassion
and appreciation
for what a bit of love
can do for a child
who has withered away in abuse.

If you do not have access to your parents, interview the parents of a close friend or relative. Ask them to describe their greatest joys and challenges as a parent. If they had to do it again, what would they do differently? What would they do the same?

I remember many conversations with one of my Aunt's based on the assignments criteria and she stated that she had regrets, or rather she looked back and could see where she could have done things differently. However, she felt that her children were her priority in life that she had done everything to her best ability in those moments.

Her greatest joys were seeing her children raised healthy and happy and that they each have chosen marriage and to begin families of their own. She sees this as truth in her accomplishments being successful. Her greatest sorrow was that as an aunt she knew things were not right for us, her nieces and nephews, and that she had not done enough to help us during our time of need.

Her compassion and ability to move forward proves that while I make many mistakes as a parent that my children and I can overcome with resilience founded in LOVE and that in the end we will all be greater human beings.

What impact did your parents child-rearing attitudes have on you?
Every child deserves a childhood,
as Richard Paul Evans states based on his charity

The Christmas Box International,
a home for abused and neglected children.

I had one, and wished that I hadn't.
...or at least had not had the neglect and abuse in mine...

Now I look back and see that I can grow with hope and faith and grace and that all will be well as I continue to desire to heal.

What I can do with this experience is to be a different parent than my parents were and I try everyday to keep that in mind. Being a parent and healing from a tragic childhood is one of the hardest things that any person could possibly take on.

I am doing my best everyday to keep my childrens childhood in mind and keep their best interest at heart, I have hope my best is good enough and I believe that I am a GOOD parent.

i am HEALING.