come into my closet, come under my bed, where you'll find me hiding,
the fear in my head.

abuse in the past, now, where do i start, making my future,
healing my heart.

crushed, and broken, falling fast-
needing comfort, make it last.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

A Beautiful Challenge...

Parenting is such a Beautiful Challenge.
Last night I wrote that line in my journal
...through my tears.

Why is it always
when you think you have mastered
one step of a process
that you fall down 15?


I have great pain this morning, yet greater Faith....and hope, that I can pull myself, my son ....through this challenge.

This Beautiful Challenge
that I have hope will bring us to a closer relationship.



My husband asked me why???
Why is it that my son and I hit heads so much.

Honestly I don't want to admit it because there are so many other wonderful parts of our Mother and Son relationship that I can focus on. The GOOD stuff.

But he is right, there is something amiss. What is it?

I wonder because I am at that crossroads in my parenting...do I become the parent that I want to be, or do I fall into the temptation to be less. It is so easy to let things slide, to take the easy route....and think somehow it will work itself out.

I am a very firm parent. I do expect respect and responsibilities to be fulfilled. I have been blessed with fairly easy children, some have said I have raised them to be wonderful children.
It's nice to hear, yet....do I believe it?

I believe they are good:
[I'm just not sure I believe it is because of me.]


They all help out, they don't completely terrorize one another.
They listen to me and do what they are asked, for the most part...

The giggle, they laugh, they play, they hug....they smile!

..and then there are the bad days.
The days when conflict is on the horizon
and I am at light speed heading into it.


I don't get it.

But I can not just allow some things to happen.

Last night, in my adamant expectation that No means NO! ...and Put your seatbelt on means PUT YOUR SEATBELT ON....and Stop teasing....means STOP TEASING.... things fell apart....

And today...I am not sure what it will take to put the broken pieces back together.

After some time listening to his perspective, yet not backing down on mine we had to agree to disagree.

The conflict was simple.

I finally took his phone away, last resort discipline....either listen to me, do what I have asked or I have to start taking things that mean I mean business. ---Cell phone....then Ipod....[he is a teenager....] ..and these are the distractions that conflict with communication. We needed to talk about the events of the evening. Tell me why? I asked him....

He removed his seatbelt in defiance....as if to tell me that NO he was his own person and he would do what he wanted. And he DIDN"T want to talk about it.


I pulled over, asked politely, asked firmly....He responded with
"No, it is my choice and I wont put it on."

After some persuasive discussion and patient silence he put it on.

I pulled away and he said under his breath
"I would rather walk home."

[he is wishing now that I had not heard it at all,
and me wishing now I had just ignored it.....]


In fact, he is regretting it so much that he is sticking to his guns that he DIDN"T say it.

I pulled over. I said, "Go ahead, Get out!"

He is wearing shorts, a short sleeve shirt, is recovering from flu, and has no phone at this point.

I said, "Get out. Go ahead and walk home." [the walk is about 7 miles, there is snow on the ground....]

WHAT AM I THINKING....I am the parent here.
All my senses tell me that this is not right to do. Not the healthy safe RIGHT thing to do!


He says, "Out of respect for you I will get out if that is what you want."


I said, "You made your decision. Get out."


He got out. I drove away.

Tears streaming down my face, I drove away....


About two blocks I pulled off, waiting for him to catch up, hoping he would realize that he is very loved and very much cared for and that this silliness of teasing has consequences of feeling alone and frustration that is not worth it. ....he doesn't walk by.

I sit there in tears, praying for him, wishing, and knowing that I have to go for him. Of COURSE I am going back for him.

I drove back....things happened, he had gone back to the building we had been in and was inside, had used the land phone to call someone for a ride.

He is pretty brilliant and also very capable of working out tough situations. YEAH....really a great resourceful kid!



Today, my sadness comes because of how he felt when I left.
My devastation comes because I did to him what my mom did to me.

I left.

He felt abandoned, if even for a few minutes. Minutes...moments, that feel like a lifetime.



He can't understand why I would leave....truthfully I can not understand why I would leave either.


Words were spoken. Mostly me expressing love for him and that I want what is best for him. I expect him to have trials and frustrations, and even that he will be defiant from time to time, and I only want him to learn from his experiences....

But last night. To see him so broken, knowing how that brokenness feels. Knowing the pain of having your mother leave you....

[Yes, mine was for years
after
complete neglect
and selfishness,

but still...]


I left him. And he couldn't believe I drove away.
He felt abandoned.

He could not understand how I could love him and do that.


I tried to tell him that it is because I love him, that I am willing to do and say hard things, to help him grow, to help him learn....but this, the devistation of this ....my only relief will come in true forgiveness, truely between us, that he will be able to forgive me.

more....WILL I BE ABLE TO FORGIVE ME?

I am keeping in mind that I can not project my pain....or rather, SHOULD NOT project my pain and experience into this.
---the circumstances are so totally different.


But when he said he didn't want to talk to me about it because it is like talking to the person who just purposely ran over you with a car.....I couldn't help but feel my heart being ripped out of my chest.



DID I REALLY JUST ABANDON HIM?

Did I really just do unto him the pain that I have been through?

Will he heal from this,
or will he never forget,
and always remember it.



Will he doubt my endearing love
and peading hope that I have for him?

Yes, Parenting is a Beautiful Challenge.



"God did not put us here to fail,"
Elder Jon M. Huntsman Sr.....


...but to work, and have integrity, and sacrifice, and determination....belief in ourselves, belief and hope and faith...
And his Grace is sufficient for All. ♥

I will not fail him,
I will not fail me.

---is my prayer, Mile 191

9 comments:

Prayer Girl said...

Thank you so much for your comment on my blog. Yes, taking the 12 steps is the answer, the way to the truth.

But, we can't do it alone. Find a 12 step program, ask someone to sponsor you, and then start working the steps. It's the way it will work.

I pray for you.
PG

sarah said...

I am amazed Mile, at your willingness to look within yourself.... to see your part in your relationship with your son...your driving away a trigger of what once was for you....rejections. abandonment. I want you to be ok. I want your son to be ok. My mother bullied me, beat me, shamed me and loved strangers. I understand what you feel. I hate it but we don't have to be like they were.
Thank you for what you wrote on my blog. Please be gentle with you. Sarah

Shadow said...

i think he will remember it. but more as a life lesson in learning respect, and maybe thinking before speaking. i'm at this exact point with my boy (13, arrrrrgh) and i'd rather 'plug the plug' so to speak now, than later when it's too late to regain control, whatcha say?!?!?!

Lisa Marie said...

Oh dear one. The difference is that you came back. You let him veer off and then you went and found him. You told him of your love. You ARE different.

Just Be Real said...

Dear one it is scary to look within, and I am so glad that you are willing. As hard as what you are going through with you son, you are strong dear one. As I am told many times, "be gentle with yourself," I say the same. Blessings and many hugs......

April_optimist said...

Parenting is one of the most difficult jobs that exists. All parents make mistakes. You are willing to look at your choices and see if there are ways to do it better. This is no small thing!

Remember too--your son feels safe with you, safe enough to test the limits.

(((((((((Hugs))))))))

sarah said...

Hey Mile, I popped back to check on you. Praying you are ok. Sarah

Marj aka Thriver said...

You have been going through a lot lately, Mile. I can understand reactions like this to defiance. I agree, you DID go back for him. He will always know that. And, like I've said before, a HUGE difference is that you have this soul-searching, this looking for answers, this desire to heal and to forgive yourself...you have an AWARENESS that makes all the difference in the world.

Sending safe, warm, comforting, gentle hugs ((((((((Mile))))))))

abusemom81 said...

what you are doing takes a lot of inner strength and you should be proud of yourself. Al though I never experienced abuse as a child, I am coming out of an abusive relationship with my son. I am so afraid and fighting hard as I don't want my son to be abused by his dad the way my ex was by his dad and the way my ex was with me! Your story and postings have an effect on me as the effects of childhood abuse are sooo profound. Thank you for inviting me into your closet.
abusedmom81
www.abusedmom.blogspot.com

who I was, who I am, who I plan to be...

i am trying to heal from severe childhood sexual, emotional,
physical, and mental abuse; and abandonment.


this is my story.

i have good and bad days, and some days the odds seem insurmountable.
i cling to the hope that healing will come to mend the shatter pieces of my heart, mind and body.


mile 191, well, you will understand as you read along.
mile 191, portions of my past have a link on the top right.
mile 191, bottoms up. hears to you and to me.


please, if you know me, just let me know you found me. i need honesty. (and please do not use personal names)
if you want to follow my story, please try to heal with me.
if you want to share with me, please do.
i will post bits of my pain as i can, and leave it here.
i once thought that i would publish...i haven't had the courage.


this is my closet, you are welcome to come in.
just know this is my refuge, healing takes place here,
maybe it will be a refuge to you too.


Quotes from Suvivors United - Standing Strong Together Against Abuse

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.
Eleanor Roosevelt

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
Helen Keller

Success is not to be measured by the position someone has reached in life, but the obstacles he has overcome while trying to succeed.
Booker T. Washington

When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard, ' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'
Sydney Harris

Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.
Richard L. Evans

Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.
Joshua J. Marine


What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thanks CORNUT32! ♥



What a sweet award....and thanks for creating something so wonderful that can be passed along to bloggers who are indeed making a difference by sharing their lives.

I invite all my faithful and dear blogger friends to take this award. You indeed have made a difference in my life.

Thank you so much for being with me on my journey to heal....mile 191