come into my closet, come under my bed, where you'll find me hiding,
the fear in my head.

abuse in the past, now, where do i start, making my future,
healing my heart.

crushed, and broken, falling fast-
needing comfort, make it last.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

"Darkness to Light" - My Healing Journey Anniversary

Ironic that today is

I sat down to write this morning through many many tears. Last night was really rough for me. Nothing like being pointed out that you are a psycho falling apart hopeless irrational broken to bits mess.
No worries....I was telling myself that.
It wasn't anyone in my was my
DARK inner BROKEN child.

It was suppose to be Date Night and after one simple incident I was a mess and saying things that were irrational [yet made perfect sense to me]....then came the falling apart tears...[as I hid in the bathroom suffocated by them] the hopeLESSness set in. I found myself frantic to pick up the broken bits of my soul, yet completely unable and went off to bed.

I don't know if it was seeing his name on a chalkboard in my classroom yesterday. I just kept staring at it WISHING i had the strength to take a SHARPIE marker and scribble it out permanently.

In my pain I destroyed my husbands heart. All he wanted was to take me to a movie....then he just wanted me to talk to him. He kept asking all the right questions.... Which made me more emotional and psychotic. I felt I would stop breathing any moment.

How can someones kindness be so hard to suffer?

I don't get it.

Why does Child Abuse
have to have such terrible side effects?

I can't keep faking the pain away.
The smile painted on my face.
My rushing around trying to cover the fact that I am falling apart.....

I came here, to my closet, to discover to ponder what and where and when I am headed....

As I was putting thoughts together this morning I took a little walk among some of your blogs. I try to go between my commenter's, my followers, and my blog roll [which has not been updated for ....MONTHS -- If you are not on there please tell me. I generally stop by those who comment here faithfully but would LOVE to come more often. Just tell me and I will add you].

I am sad to say today I found some blogs that I have never read. Thank you for reading me...

As life takes the reigns of my time I seem to be able to blog browse less and less.

I suppose that is a good thing....but I sure miss the healing and growing
as I read and ponder each of your journeys

...the HEALING that we are all seeking here.

Blog names....I am wondering how they are chosen.

I know that there is a simpleness behind mine.

I woke up a year ago TUESDAY [11/17/08]!

Or maybe it was that I was unable to go to sleep the Monday before....I had emotional, mental, physical, spiritual pain and thoughts flooding my mind.

I felt like I was suffocating. I had to get out the nightmare I was feeling and living with, and the words that inspired the name of my blog came flooding with my tears.

come into my closet
was born and a journey of healing began.

From there I wrote about being Mile 191...
..about being at my MILE 191 in life.

Mile 191: This time of year is terribly difficult for me. I see my foster family in such pain. It was MILE 191 where my foster mother died. She drove to that Mile in her favorite canyon. She was headed home to her Mother. She was sad. There had been a fight. She took too many pills this time. At the cave she slipped and hit her head on a rock and passed away. Right there in the cold, with the snow coming down. hER jOURNEY eNDED. Her pain was done, and ours began. Pain without a mother.

Over the years I have seen the trauma that this has caused her daughters, her son, her husband. The pain I have felt. I know that NO MATTER how hard being a mother is, no matter the fights, the frustrations, the thinking they would be better off without me THAT IT IS NOT TRUE. People are never better off when their loved ones go away forever.

When I began this journey, this healing, I began with hope that facing my MILE 191 would prevent tragedy in my life, and in the lives of those I love.

I continued by describing the Journey to Hope that I was embarking upon. I am still on that journey. I feel that I have come a long LONG way, and parts of this journey are harder now than they were when I began.

It seems that by opening up the wound we find that there is a great deal more to healing than just getting it out in the open. So many things come up....and that is what I have been writing about ever since.

Today as I wandered I stopped by Darkness to Light.
I haven't spent as much time there as I would like yet, but I am always grateful when there are organizations out there standing for children, and adult abused children, doing all they can to prevent Child Abuse. Thank you.

I enjoyed the inspiring post by dreamdancer. I was inspired by her courage and hope to free from the past and make the reality today into her dreams for tomorrow. Her
submissiveness to Gods will, to allow the instruction of today to strengthen and restore healing. Beautiful Post.

I sadly came across LKG4BTRLIF. Her post about her past being thrown in her face is touching to me. I have been there. I have felt her pain, the graphically described experiences she has had and the scars emotionally and mentally left behind. I felt such compassion for all she is going through right now. Big Safe HUGS to her, and hope that she will continue writing and healing.

Lovely Just Be Real says it like it is and was a wonderful stop along my way.
Her simple expression that we do NOT have to carry the weight and burden and sorrow of our abuse alone, that we have a Savior. Oh how I do hope that I will learn how to more fully rely upon Him.
I know He is there. I wish I could be more submissive and more fully be healed.

It is always a healing experience to read
Today I read about Darkness....about Light....about recovery being a choice to turn toward the Light. It all began to fall into place for me right there. Her words engraving upon my heart. She talked about the her wolf...what her recovery is ....and how she no longer feels it eating her very soul. I want that. I have HOPE that I will get to that point. Again I read that God is the LIGHT. Dependence on Him is Healing. God's Grace....oh how I wish to find my way there. Hope, Thank you Thank you!

And then I was back where I started. With Marj aka Thriver. Who is hosting today's Blog Carnival in celebration of World...Prevention of Child Abuse. Thank you Marj. --- So many of us have been blessed by your pen.

Marj influences healing and promotes UniTy iN SurVivOrS. She brings us together and shows us that we are not alone.

I look forward today. What is past is past. I will continue to write....because what tomorrow brings will be the next chapter in my healing. I am no longer a victim of abuse. I am a SURVIVOR.
We are all SURVIVORS!


Leigh Hall said...

Hang in there, friend. Some days are better than others. And sometimes things bother us much more today than they did a year ago. I think that's, in part, due to the fact that today we are focusing on healing it and a year ago we were denying it... or trying to cope with it rather than get well. Facing it is terribly difficult, but crucial for RECOVERY.

You are doing an amazing job at seeking recovery. You know... The thing about a loving husband is that we can totally screw something up, but his understanding and love is a safe place for us to fall. Many blessings to you and your husband. Hope you can have a do-over for your date night.

SapphireDreams said...

Wow Mile! Your writing continues to amaze me. I Love It! You have so much great knowledge. I feel such a connection to you. You do a really great job of acknowlodging the other ppl you follow. Keep up the good work. I do know that recovering is very hard work. i think you are doing an awesome job at recovery. Safe hugs to you and your family. Hang in there.

sarah said...

Hi Mile - in some ways this post is sad yet also strong in faith to move forward. I thought about how I named my blog - I think if I could redo it now it would be different but when I started, I wanted to get in my car, close my eyes and drive. I needed to write. I called it writing. First thing that came into my head. bloggoing has been my's allowed me to say those things I couldn't say outloud. You're a gift Mile191. Sarah

Shadow said...

you sure came from darkness to light, even in this post.

Anonymous said...

I'm on your side, Mile. Hugs, dear one.

This is Dreamdancer, aka Roxy. I'm moving my blog, and would love for you to join me on my new one:

Just Be Real said...

You, believe it or not, are a pillar of strength to me. When I read your heart in your posts, I see a woman of courage. Much hugs to you dear one.....

Gabriella Moonlight said...

Big Squishy Hugs to you today!
I understand this pain on so many levels, surviving child abuse, surviving period in my life right now the PTSD kicking is so confounding the heart and spirit we possess!

Know that I send you much love for your healing today...

If you are feeling, you are dealing and you are healing, that is what I was told...there will be other date nights, there will be other days for you to feel bliss, just sit in the knowing of god and love!


Zan said...

Love your words. Love the way you write.
It is painfully courageous, if that makes any sense?

I've re-sent invitation to my blog, I hope it works this time.
was lovely to see you over there today. Thanks for stopping by.


who I was, who I am, who I plan to be...

i am trying to heal from severe childhood sexual, emotional,
physical, and mental abuse; and abandonment.

this is my story.

i have good and bad days, and some days the odds seem insurmountable.
i cling to the hope that healing will come to mend the shatter pieces of my heart, mind and body.

mile 191, well, you will understand as you read along.
mile 191, portions of my past have a link on the top right.
mile 191, bottoms up. hears to you and to me.

please, if you know me, just let me know you found me. i need honesty. (and please do not use personal names)
if you want to follow my story, please try to heal with me.
if you want to share with me, please do.
i will post bits of my pain as i can, and leave it here.
i once thought that i would publish...i haven't had the courage.

this is my closet, you are welcome to come in.
just know this is my refuge, healing takes place here,
maybe it will be a refuge to you too.

Quotes from Suvivors United - Standing Strong Together Against Abuse

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.
Eleanor Roosevelt

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
Helen Keller

Success is not to be measured by the position someone has reached in life, but the obstacles he has overcome while trying to succeed.
Booker T. Washington

When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard, ' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'
Sydney Harris

Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.
Richard L. Evans

Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.
Joshua J. Marine

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thanks CORNUT32! ♥

What a sweet award....and thanks for creating something so wonderful that can be passed along to bloggers who are indeed making a difference by sharing their lives.

I invite all my faithful and dear blogger friends to take this award. You indeed have made a difference in my life.

Thank you so much for being with me on my journey to heal....mile 191