"Darkness to Light" - My Healing Journey Anniversary

Ironic that today is

World Day for the Prevention of Child Abuse

I sat down to write this morning through many many tears. Last night was really rough for me. Nothing like being pointed out that you are a psycho falling apart hopeless irrational broken to bits mess.

No worries....I was telling myself that.
It wasn't anyone in my life....it was my
DARK inner BROKEN child.

It was suppose to be Date Night and after one simple incident I was a mess and saying things that were irrational [yet made perfect sense to me]....then came the falling apart tears...[as I hid in the bathroom suffocated by them] the hopeLESSness set in. I found myself frantic to pick up the broken bits of my soul, yet completely unable and went off to bed.


I don't know if it was seeing his name on a chalkboard in my classroom yesterday. I just kept staring at it WISHING i had the strength to take a SHARPIE marker and scribble it out permanently.


In my pain I destroyed my husbands heart. All he wanted was to take me to a movie....then he just wanted me to talk to him. He kept asking all the right questions.... Which made me more emotional and psychotic. I felt I would stop breathing any moment.

How can someones kindness be so hard to suffer?

I don't get it.

Why does Child Abuse
have to have such terrible side effects?

I can't keep faking the pain away.
The smile painted on my face.
My rushing around trying to cover the fact that I am falling apart.....



I came here, to my closet, to write....to discover to ponder what and where and when I am headed....



As I was putting thoughts together this morning I took a little walk among some of your blogs. I try to go between my commenter's, my followers, and my blog roll [which has not been updated for ....MONTHS -- If you are not on there please tell me. I generally stop by those who comment here faithfully but would LOVE to come more often. Just tell me and I will add you].



I am sad to say today I found some blogs that I have never read. Thank you for reading me...


As life takes the reigns of my time I seem to be able to blog browse less and less.

I suppose that is a good thing....but I sure miss the healing and growing
as I read and ponder each of your journeys

...the HEALING that we are all seeking here.

Blog names....I am wondering how they are chosen.

I know that there is a simpleness behind mine.

I woke up a year ago TUESDAY [11/17/08]!

Or maybe it was that I was unable to go to sleep the Monday before....I had emotional, mental, physical, spiritual pain and thoughts flooding my mind.

I felt like I was suffocating. I had to get out the nightmare I was feeling and living with, and the words that inspired the name of my blog came flooding with my tears.

come into my closet
was born and a journey of healing began.

From there I wrote about being Mile 191...

..about being at my MILE 191 in life.

Mile 191: This time of year is terribly difficult for me. I see my foster family in such pain. It was MILE 191 where my foster mother died. She drove to that Mile in her favorite canyon. She was headed home to her Mother. She was sad. There had been a fight. She took too many pills this time. At the cave she slipped and hit her head on a rock and passed away. Right there in the cold, with the snow coming down. hER jOURNEY eNDED. Her pain was done, and ours began. Pain without a mother.

Over the years I have seen the trauma that this has caused her daughters, her son, her husband. The pain I have felt. I know that NO MATTER how hard being a mother is, no matter the fights, the frustrations, the thinking they would be better off without me THAT IT IS NOT TRUE. People are never better off when their loved ones go away forever.

When I began this journey, this healing, I began with hope that facing my MILE 191 would prevent tragedy in my life, and in the lives of those I love.




I continued by describing the Journey to Hope that I was embarking upon. I am still on that journey. I feel that I have come a long LONG way, and parts of this journey are harder now than they were when I began.

It seems that by opening up the wound we find that there is a great deal more to healing than just getting it out in the open. So many things come up....and that is what I have been writing about ever since.



Today as I wandered I stopped by Darkness to Light.
I haven't spent as much time there as I would like yet, but I am always grateful when there are organizations out there standing for children, and adult abused children, doing all they can to prevent Child Abuse. Thank you.


I enjoyed the inspiring post by dreamdancer. I was inspired by her courage and hope to free from the past and make the reality today into her dreams for tomorrow. Her submissiveness to Gods will, to allow the instruction of today to strengthen and restore healing. Beautiful Post.



I sadly came across LKG4BTRLIF. Her post about her past being thrown in her face is touching to me. I have been there. I have felt her pain, the graphically described experiences she has had and the scars emotionally and mentally left behind. I felt such compassion for all she is going through right now. Big Safe HUGS to her, and hope that she will continue writing and healing.



Lovely Just Be Real says it like it is and was a wonderful stop along my way.
Her simple expression that we do NOT have to carry the weight and burden and sorrow of our abuse alone, that we have a Savior. Oh how I do hope that I will learn how to more fully rely upon Him.
I know He is there. I wish I could be more submissive and more fully be healed.


It is always a healing experience to read

Hope's: A Song Not Scored for Breathing.

Today I read about Darkness....about Light....about recovery being a choice to turn toward the Light. It all began to fall into place for me right there. Her words engraving upon my heart. She talked about the her wolf...what her recovery is ....and how she no longer feels it eating her very soul. I want that. I have HOPE that I will get to that point. Again I read that God is the LIGHT. Dependence on Him is Healing. God's Grace....oh how I wish to find my way there. Hope, Thank you Thank you!

And then I was back where I started. With Marj aka Thriver. Who is hosting today's Blog Carnival in celebration of World...Prevention of Child Abuse. Thank you Marj. --- So many of us have been blessed by your pen.

Marj influences healing and promotes UniTy iN SurVivOrS. She brings us together and shows us that we are not alone.


I look forward today. What is past is past. I will continue to write....because what tomorrow brings will be the next chapter in my healing. I am no longer a victim of abuse. I am a SURVIVOR.

We are all SURVIVORS!