come into my closet, come under my bed, where you'll find me hiding,
the fear in my head.

abuse in the past, now, where do i start, making my future,
healing my heart.

crushed, and broken, falling fast-
needing comfort, make it last.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

who am i today?

Excellent question. I love this interactive journaling.

Where else can I write my most immediate and intimate thoughts and feelings, and hear something better than the voices in my head.... confirming, questioning, supporting, pushing and elevating me to a better level than I am choosing to squall at.

It is here, in my closet. Thank you.

The tremendous support that you all give me and each other is really the most innovative healing process there is out there.

All the therapy in the world couldn't do for me what you each do.

I open my email, and there you are, whispering, questioning, healing me.

I think the most amazing thing is that each of you tell me that I have the strength, the power, the ability to be a better version of me than I am giving myself credit for. WOW. You make me realize that my potential is enough, and that I can do this. I am a survivor. Not a victim.

So, who am i today? Well, I am thinking about that. And by weeks end, I hope to define who I feel I am....

But for now, update: I have been writing email notes to my brother. Mostly asking him questions, answering a few. I have to tell you that my fear is subsiding a lot. And this may very well be the next level of my healing. I believe that I am undoing the fears that I have, I sense them unraveling before my eyes. I am not as afraid.

I think that in time....well, who knows what will come of it. I am just taking it one step, one moment at a time.

The past is the past.

"Worry not for the future,
the present is all thou hast,
the Future will soon be present,
the present will soon be past."

And, as far as depression, hmmmmm.
despondency, hopelessness, lack of courage, overwhelmed, grieved.
I could use all those expressions to define me,

at times,

...what am I doing about it....

Just this:

One day at a time,
One drawer at a time,
One closet at a time,
One step at a time,

One prayer at a time.

One hope.


Marsha said...

Awesome. So today you are the defining FORMER victim. Excellent.

Oh, and I'm glad I found your blog, btw. I had at one time pondered writing a blog about my childhood, then pulled away from it as I don't want to go there anymore, don't want myself defined that way as it continues to make me that victim. Reliving the abuse over and over, dwelling on it, etc holds us back I think. It's my own personal theory. I don't know if it's right.

I hope you'll be there for me during my dark days. They come around for all of us on occasion you know. You aren't alone in that.

Congrats on your progress.

sarah said...

powerful and simple. thanks.

Prayer Girl said...

I managed to move from the victim role to not being a victim. I can remember how important it was that people did not see me as I saw myself and said so. They saw a stronger, healthier person than I thought of myself.

I remember a woman I trusted and honored kept talking about me in a way that was so different than how I saw myself. Finally, I came to the place where I had to acknowledge that one of us was lying. Either she was lying or I was not seeing myself clearly. I knew she wasn't lying. WHAT A HEALING MOMENT THAT WAS.

Keep up the good work and God bless,

VICKI IN AZ said...

Love you Mile.
I am right there with you on the one day at a time...

Shadow said...

you are one uplifting soul you!

Rhonda said...

That was such an encouraging post! I really needed to hear those words today.

April_optimist said...

Wonderful post! You ARE strong, you ARE resilient, you ARE a beautiful and wonderful spirit.

Lisa Marie said...

So simple in thought, difficult in execution. It sounds as if you are doing everything you need to be successful. You CAN do this!

Just Be Real said...

Great post dear one. Thank you for sharing from your heart. Blessings and hugs.....

Marsha said...

It's time for another new post dearie. We haven't heard from you in a few days.

who I was, who I am, who I plan to be...

i am trying to heal from severe childhood sexual, emotional,
physical, and mental abuse; and abandonment.

this is my story.

i have good and bad days, and some days the odds seem insurmountable.
i cling to the hope that healing will come to mend the shatter pieces of my heart, mind and body.

mile 191, well, you will understand as you read along.
mile 191, portions of my past have a link on the top right.
mile 191, bottoms up. hears to you and to me.

please, if you know me, just let me know you found me. i need honesty. (and please do not use personal names)
if you want to follow my story, please try to heal with me.
if you want to share with me, please do.
i will post bits of my pain as i can, and leave it here.
i once thought that i would publish...i haven't had the courage.

this is my closet, you are welcome to come in.
just know this is my refuge, healing takes place here,
maybe it will be a refuge to you too.

Quotes from Suvivors United - Standing Strong Together Against Abuse

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.
Eleanor Roosevelt

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
Helen Keller

Success is not to be measured by the position someone has reached in life, but the obstacles he has overcome while trying to succeed.
Booker T. Washington

When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard, ' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'
Sydney Harris

Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.
Richard L. Evans

Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.
Joshua J. Marine

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thanks CORNUT32! ♥

What a sweet award....and thanks for creating something so wonderful that can be passed along to bloggers who are indeed making a difference by sharing their lives.

I invite all my faithful and dear blogger friends to take this award. You indeed have made a difference in my life.

Thank you so much for being with me on my journey to heal....mile 191