come into my closet, come under my bed, where you'll find me hiding,
the fear in my head.

abuse in the past, now, where do i start, making my future,
healing my heart.

crushed, and broken, falling fast-
needing comfort, make it last.

Friday, September 11, 2009

i love you, 9 -- 11, and 3436

In my frustration this morning, frustration that has much more to do with things internally that I am struggling with than the external chaos of raising four children, I lost my patience.The boys...fighting, picking, somewhat of a smirk on their faces, but I wasnt having it. I tried to speak gentle.

I tried to reason. I bluntly asked, Please stop!!! I told them that they have things that are of great importance to them, desires, places and events they enjoy participating in. The only thing that is of importance to me is that we are loving kind and patient with each other. I

begged, please, get along, stop teasing and lets be on our way to school. A few more jabs and kicks later and I found myself on the floor, in my eight year olds face, with fear portraying that I was at the end of my frayed rope. I was done with nice, and moving into the terror zone.

At this point I lost it....I said some things that should never be said...something about how I can't do this anymore. I ask with kindness...it doesn't sink in. I am ready at this point to take away the things that are meaningful to them, their great important events...ie, soccer, television, football, computer games, their very freedom....and with anger I could have choked the life out of the two of them. Harsh, maybe....and DFS could want in on my antics at some point.

My older boy, age 10, comes over to hug me as he sees tears welling up in my eyes....Sweet, you say, yes, maybe, but then why did he have to kick his brother as he stepped over him. Here he is hugging me. Mommy, I love you. I am sorry.....[BUT YOU JUST KICKED YOUR BROTHER AGAIN....seriously.]

I grabbed his shoulders and used all the strength I had in me to express that I could chuck him into a wall right now, but I wont, because it would get him off the hook. ...I would no longer be able to govern his childhood, he could be taken from me for abuse.I walked away. Funny that I walked away, I guess I can take my own advice. The beginning of the argument between the two I told my youngest...JUST WALK AWAY. People can not keep hurting you if you walk away, your back is to them, and it just works, trust me.

So I went to the bathroom and cried it out good. Great, now my make up is destroyed, and my eyes are all puffy again. [again??? I spent at least one night this week in complete and uncontrollable sobbing....] Yeah for me. Now I have class in an hour, errands to finish the Football Jerseys, a Room Mother Coordinator meeting, shopping for soccer supplies, a vet appointment for our kitty who has an infection, terrible infection from a cat bite/fight., etc. etc. You know the drill, you all have your lives to live.

My point here is that once we got in the car, and I noticed that my 10 year olds eyes looked a mirror of mine, I had no sympathy. I continued to rant. About being walked all over, about being a chauffeur, and a maid, and that I felt of no value to my children other than to be the two hands who constantly are open to giving them all they need to succeed. Driving them places, buying their supplies, feeding and cleaning up after them.

My daughter told me she loved me....yes, the daughter who generally says, "I hate you, you are ruining my life." I said, "really.....yeah okay, but those are just words. Actions speak louder than words."We drove in silence....I sat stiff as the kids got out of the car, stiff silence. I told them I would be here to give them their next ride....home from school, to the store for their soccer gear.I vaguely think someone told me they loved me, I didn't respond...just stared straight ahead...mean huh.After dropping my daughter off, her again telling me she loved me. Me broken and unable to even care to respond....I drove away. Be safe, I told her. [Yes, I still care]


On the way to school for myself this morning I was listening to NPR...a story from story core about some of the victims of 9-11. Yes, today is 9-11, a day to remember, to be more calm, to be more patient.....and I destroyed it. I was the terrorist in our home.The story was told by a father who had two sons who became victims of 9-11. Both grew up with their father and grandfather as firefighters. One became a police officer, one a firefighter. The firefighter had the honor of being assigned his Grandfathers badge number, 3436.

On that dreadful day, both of the sons had called their dad, to check in as they always did. The conversations were simple, "How are you? Take care today. I love you."That was the last he heard from those two boys as their lives were taken that day from the attack on the Twin Towers.

The father expressed that he has comfort in knowing that the last words that he told his children were "I love you", and the last he heard from them was, "I love you".

Those words make him sleep at night.

He has not regrets.

Ironically his boys were 34 and 36, the number of his fathers firefighter badge, 3436.



Today, I have many regrets. I think I heard my kids say, I love you. I didn't respond. I was too wadded up, tears on the surface and falling apart....I just let them run off, the tears off my cheeks, the kids off to school.Kids are resilient, yet a mothers love is critical for their healthy growth. I failed them today. I failed me.I love you.

My kids should know that, they are not just words. Yes, they are actions, but every human being needs to hear them. I regret my actions today.

Don't let a day, a moment pass without telling your kids you love them. Live, no regrets.I love you, my beautiful kids. I am sorry. Please be patient with me. I am learning the hard way.....I hope that I wont have to regret not telling them today that I love them.

10 comments:

VICKI IN AZ said...

I love you Mile.
This is very poignant! I have no advice.

I do agree with this, you said it brilliantly, "..JUST WALK AWAY. People can not keep hurting you if you walk away, your back is to them, and it just works, trust me."
The Savior called that "Turn the Other Cheek"

I am sorry for your pain.

All my ♥ Dear Friend.

Marsha said...

You'll miss these days in time, believe me. I know they're hard days, and boy do boys fight! But you'll miss them in a few years.

Cat said...

Oh listen, I have read how your childhood was, you in no way came close to failing them, if anything you showed them that you - their mom, the one who they get everything from, is human and can falter and now - you can show them how to make things right.

Failing is much to strong a word for what happened this morning with you and your loved ones, more I see it as a test that you all need to become better.

Always there is love, even without the words - always between our children and ourselves - so long as we are bonded there will be love.

(hugs)

April_optimist said...

(((((((((((Hugs))))))))))) Seriously, parenthood is not for the fainthearted. It's hard and I'm not so sure it's bad for our kids to know we can get upset with them. Yes, we need to tell them we love them but...they also need us to set limits. It's good for kids to see that you respect yourself enough not to tolerate being mistreated by anyone--including them.

Maybe hold a family conference tonight and ask them how they suggest making sure none of them mistreats another. What should punishment for it be? What do they think is reasonable? What would get them to abide by the rules? If you and your husband present a united front, they may listen--and give you answers you might not have thought of.

Hang in there. As I said, parenthood is not for the fainthearted--it's hard work.

mile191 said...

thank you all. seriously I find myself in real thought today about what matters most, your comments and care has kept me thinking. I am so thankful that I followed my thought to write RIGHT away, with all the emotion and feeling that I had. Just getting it out, and not being afraid to say, here I am, having a struggle, but I made it through, and I didn't hurt my kids, the way I felt inside seemed so uncontrollable. I seem to be hitting harder walls lately. Thanks for listening, and for caring so much.

As we celebrate America today as a day of Service, please know that you are serving me by listen to my rants and helping me see the good in me, and to remind me to be more kind and patient with myself. If I can master that, kindness begins with being kind to me....then it will naturally come everywhere else.

Does that make sense?

mile191 said...

thank you all. seriously I find myself in real thought today about what matters most, your comments and care has kept me thinking. I am so thankful that I followed my thought to write RIGHT away, with all the emotion and feeling that I had. Just getting it out, and not being afraid to say, here I am, having a struggle, but I made it through, and I didn't hurt my kids, the way I felt inside seemed so uncontrollable. I seem to be hitting harder walls lately. Thanks for listening, and for caring so much.

As we celebrate America today as a day of Service, please know that you are serving me by listen to my rants and helping me see the good in me, and to remind me to be more kind and patient with myself. If I can master that, kindness begins with being kind to me....then it will naturally come everywhere else.

Does that make sense?

Shadow said...

thank you, honey, for reminding me. i love you too, see!

Marj aka Thriver said...

Don't forget: They KNOW that you love them...and you are human. ((((((((Mile))))))))

Marsha said...

It's another day, time for another post!

Marsha said...

An update?

who I was, who I am, who I plan to be...

i am trying to heal from severe childhood sexual, emotional,
physical, and mental abuse; and abandonment.


this is my story.

i have good and bad days, and some days the odds seem insurmountable.
i cling to the hope that healing will come to mend the shatter pieces of my heart, mind and body.


mile 191, well, you will understand as you read along.
mile 191, portions of my past have a link on the top right.
mile 191, bottoms up. hears to you and to me.


please, if you know me, just let me know you found me. i need honesty. (and please do not use personal names)
if you want to follow my story, please try to heal with me.
if you want to share with me, please do.
i will post bits of my pain as i can, and leave it here.
i once thought that i would publish...i haven't had the courage.


this is my closet, you are welcome to come in.
just know this is my refuge, healing takes place here,
maybe it will be a refuge to you too.


Quotes from Suvivors United - Standing Strong Together Against Abuse

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.
Eleanor Roosevelt

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
Helen Keller

Success is not to be measured by the position someone has reached in life, but the obstacles he has overcome while trying to succeed.
Booker T. Washington

When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard, ' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'
Sydney Harris

Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.
Richard L. Evans

Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.
Joshua J. Marine


What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thanks CORNUT32! ♥



What a sweet award....and thanks for creating something so wonderful that can be passed along to bloggers who are indeed making a difference by sharing their lives.

I invite all my faithful and dear blogger friends to take this award. You indeed have made a difference in my life.

Thank you so much for being with me on my journey to heal....mile 191