come into my closet, come under my bed, where you'll find me hiding,
the fear in my head.

abuse in the past, now, where do i start, making my future,
healing my heart.

crushed, and broken, falling fast-
needing comfort, make it last.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

love, mile 191

Okay, so....

I have been putting a lot of thought into a LOT of things lately.
Mainly that while I feel like I am pulling
through some of my depression
I think I am having worse anxiety.
I have only officially once
had an anxiety attack,
and have never had meds.

[I avoid any type of drug due to some of my childhood,

but at times I think I need something....]

We had a family picture done, the kids look beautiful, and we look happy and "normal". I suppose we are, yet when I look at the picture I feel like I am dysfunctional. Not our family, just me.

I don't feel connected.

I think I am so afraid of hurt and pain that I avoid really loving and feeling.

Lately I get so angry, so frustrated,
and I have come really close
to acting on those feelings.

I look at these little children, I have been so blessed, and they are wonderful. Hard at times to raise, but really good kids.

Why do I fall apart so easily???

Some of your writings have really triggered some thoughts in me.

I don't want to say things to my kids that hurt them,
things they will have to spend time getting over as adults.
Yet, I think I do sometimes.

I don't want to hurt my kids,
but I feel my arm raising sometimes,
as if I am about to strike them,
I see the fear in their faces
and then I say something....something
that will let them know just how ANGRY I am,
how frustrated,
and I think....GD....WTF is wrong with me.

I know what is wrong with me.....I am LOSING it!

I really don't want this time to pass. I see what the future brings, and I don't want them to grow up, move away, have struggles of their own, struggles I can't fix and comfort. I want what I have right now. SO WHY can I not be more patient, more calm.

I am trying to unroot what is hurting me inside so that I can get it out of my system and enjoy the childhood that my kids are having.

Their childhood can not fix mine, but not messing up their childhood can make a world of difference today. Today is all I can control....I can not FIX the past.

This is my prayer:

Please give me the patience to listen to them.
Please give me the strength to respond lovingly.
Please give me the courage to control my reactions.
Please give me the hope that I can overcome my own pain,
and not cause theirs.

Please show me that I can.

My reaction is what I am talking about.
They are going to act like kids....I want to react
like the loving and tender mother that I know I can be.

I read some blogs today....I commented...still have a lot to get to, but needed to break and write. As I wrote to someone I wrote: love, mile 191.....and I realized that is exactly what I need to do....I need to LOVE MILE 191. I need to learn to love me. That I am good and I am worth it. I am not broken. I survived. I can do this....I am a good mother. I can be. I hope.


Marsha said...

Great post mile!

You know, I was always, always in denial over needing meds. Then I got sick, and went through treatment, and somehow anti depressants were a part of that. And it did help.

I'm not on treatment anymore, but I've found I LIKE myself better with the anti-d, just a mild dose. It doesn't mean you're weak or dysfunctional to seek help if you need it. I've learned that too.

Cat said...

I had anxiety and depression at the same time and what a terrible trip that was the medication can be a hard path to go - because it is normally long term, but the anxiety stuff should be only as needed so maybe look into something for that...

I am sorry if I was a trigger for you today... i go through these stages where things come back from long ago and I write to get it out...

We are only as good as we can be - I get that - you know what you are working with when you look at yourself in the mirror - its our past that does not have to be our present or our future.

I was glad to get your kind comments today... I have missed you and am sending good thoughts your way.

Much love

Prayer Girl said...

I feel sure that you do a better job at parenting than you give yourself credit for. None of us mothers are perfect. So much that you say here, all mothers do from time to time - feel so angry they want to strike out, want to yell, etc.

Please try to wear life a little more like a loose garment.

Ask God to direct you as to whether you should see a professional about anxiety or depression or whatever. And then take care of yourself. You are worth it. You are loved. Your kids will be O.K.

Loving you and praying for you,

SapphireDreams said...

I don't know if you have read any of my blogs lately but I've been
baby sitting a 6 y/o for the past
2 months. Some of the things she does or subjects that come up trigger me and then I feel disconnected. I don't have kids of my own but I honestly know that it is hard to raise a child and very testing at times. I also know that it is very rewarding. I know there is a reason this little girl was sent in my direction. Because I have to learn to connect to my inner child, love, and nurture her as well. Being around this little child has also brought me joy as well. I know that it is hard to see or understand things when they are going on.... but maybe there is a lesson in what you are going through. Hang in there I am here listening b/c you might not find out what it is for a long time but hang in there. I am here listening and can relate to how you feel.

sarah said...

I hear you. I spent hours locked in the dark in the bathroom crying begging God to show me how to parent my kids, to never hurt them, never make them have the fear and shame I had. Never make them want to hide believing they are worthless and disgusting. I've never hurt my kids, never called them names, never hit them. God heard. I run. I take that build up crazy out of control energy and I run, alone - in the woods. It helps. And I agree with what prayergirl said, none of us are perfect parents. Be gentle with you. You deserve gentleness. Sarah

Just Be Real said...

Mile, great post for all those who can relate. Blessings dear one.

Marj aka Thriver said...

You ARE a good mother and you ARE a good person. Just the fact that you have the strength and courage to be honest and look at these issues says a lot. It's so much more than many other parents ever do. Take gentle care and do something nice just for you (it will help fill the well for patience and energy for the little ones). ((((((Safe Hugs, Mile))))))

Marsha said...

I hope you're doing well today!

VICKI IN AZ said...

Dear Mile,
I love you!!

You are precious. Your Heavenly Father loves you and wants you to know. When I struggle with all of the things you are struggling with I ask my husband for a blessing.

Thank you for visiting and for your love and support. I believe in you and know that you can make it.

Go with that detached feeling and don't be afraid of the truth and healing you find and the end of the path Mile. Your Savior is with you, you are safe.

Lisa Marie said...

You can do this. Whether or not you choose to with medication or not, it can be done. I have been on meds since February, but am now weaning off to see if I can learn to cope on my own now that circumstances are different. Medicine does not have to be forever.

Marsha said...

Happy Monday Mile!

Steve E. said...

Hello Mile.

So many love you, and take courage from your strength.

So it would seem you can do that--love yourself to a healthy, happy life.

Each day is another starting place, Mile. So let's begin this next day with a desire and a prayer to be better children of GOD! I'm with you here, and think of you often.

Bless you, Mile.

Anonymous said...

Sending thoughts and prayers out to you today Mile. What a brave post! I know there is help out there for you, maybe even at your church? Have you worked the steps with a sponsor? I had to do that before I was ready to deal with any of my childhood/family stuff. The person lashing out at these children is not their mother, it is the angry little girl inside of you who never got to be a kid because, well you know why. It truly sucks. That makes for a lot of anger! Maybe she is a little jealous. Then all that anger comes out sideways and then we feel like a piece of shit, or more like a piece of shit as if that were possible. It seems like you are trying to do everything on your own. Yes we definitely need God's help, but we also need the help of someone who has been in our shoes, or knows what we need. You are not alone, and do not have to do it alone.

Colleen said...

I was very hard on myself as a mother. I wanted to be perfect. None of us are perfect. I worked on my healing, especially my anger. I prayed. And I loved my children the best I could. As an empty nester, I look at them now, I look at how well adjusted and healthy they are, emotionally and physically. I see they love me and they know I love them. I am so relieved. I was a good mother. But I worried about it all the time. I was so afraid. I know how you feel. Keep praying that prayer. Keep loving your children. Hugs.

Dawn-Marie said...

Hi, if you would like to see my blog on abuse and healing it is-

VICKI IN AZ said...

April_optimist said...

I could so easily have written exactly the same post when my kids were growing up. I was terrified I would ruin them forever. Now they are grown up and the funny thing is that only now can I really see what a great mother I was. Not perfect. I made my share of mistakes. But I gave my kids some wonderful mothering, too and I'll bet that's true with you and your kids.

who I was, who I am, who I plan to be...

i am trying to heal from severe childhood sexual, emotional,
physical, and mental abuse; and abandonment.

this is my story.

i have good and bad days, and some days the odds seem insurmountable.
i cling to the hope that healing will come to mend the shatter pieces of my heart, mind and body.

mile 191, well, you will understand as you read along.
mile 191, portions of my past have a link on the top right.
mile 191, bottoms up. hears to you and to me.

please, if you know me, just let me know you found me. i need honesty. (and please do not use personal names)
if you want to follow my story, please try to heal with me.
if you want to share with me, please do.
i will post bits of my pain as i can, and leave it here.
i once thought that i would publish...i haven't had the courage.

this is my closet, you are welcome to come in.
just know this is my refuge, healing takes place here,
maybe it will be a refuge to you too.

Quotes from Suvivors United - Standing Strong Together Against Abuse

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.
Eleanor Roosevelt

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
Helen Keller

Success is not to be measured by the position someone has reached in life, but the obstacles he has overcome while trying to succeed.
Booker T. Washington

When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard, ' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'
Sydney Harris

Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.
Richard L. Evans

Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.
Joshua J. Marine

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thanks CORNUT32! ♥

What a sweet award....and thanks for creating something so wonderful that can be passed along to bloggers who are indeed making a difference by sharing their lives.

I invite all my faithful and dear blogger friends to take this award. You indeed have made a difference in my life.

Thank you so much for being with me on my journey to heal....mile 191