come into my closet, come under my bed, where you'll find me hiding,
the fear in my head.

abuse in the past, now, where do i start, making my future,
healing my heart.

crushed, and broken, falling fast-
needing comfort, make it last.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

...yes, an update...

Okay, here goes. I keep thinking that I will have time to wander through your blogs, read, and join you in healing, and I think....I can't keep writing my life and not being there for you. So that is what is holding me back from being here, from updating, I want to come read you all first.

I am so stretched right now. Running and weary. And, yes, I should be keeping my mental and physical health in mind, and not doing so much, so I tell myself, tomorrow...a new day, and I will rest. Tomorrow hasn't come yet...

Here is how it has been going. I have four very busy children, happy for the most part, and their happiness is contagious. It is true that what you surround yourself with influences you and impacts you. So I am spending a lot of time with them. Helping them with homework, cooking meals with them. Running then to soccer practices and games, running my oldest to football and basketball. Picking them up from friends houses, walking home from school with my youngest - something that I have not done in a couple of years, and I am loving being able to do again. I have been letting them have their friends over, and trying to get over everything not being in order first. This is huge for me.

Yet, I am enjoying the moments.

Saying that...I should clarify that maybe I am doing okay because it sounds like I am busy, actively engaged in a good cause. Someone great once said that was the solution to all dreariness. Be actively engaged in a good cause. So, my children are my cause for now, and they are keeping me running.

Me personally, I have some darkness inside. I get really impatient, and snappy from time to time. I am not being too hard on myself. Last night was our date night, frankly I was so tired and onry by the time we were suppose to leave, that we opted out of going out, stayed in. My husband rubbed my feet, we talked a bit, and were both asleep by 9pm. It was probably the best thing for me. I was on the verge of a breakdown, the kind I had last week....sleep was the best thing, and today...I feel a bit better.

I am a little overwhelmed with what is to come, things that I need to be doing, the anxiety of having to run around, phone calls that need to be returned, responsibilities that I have obligated to....the stuff that makes me I am trying to take it one day, one moment at a time.

What I have figured out is that if tomorrow won't come and solve things, I have to change things about today, and it starts with each moment, each minute.

I am going to work on today, and let tomorrow be what it is, when it is.

[thx, Marsha for asking for an update, I really will try to find time to check in on you all, thanks everyone for hanging here with me from time to time. Hope your day is wonderful, or at least that you have some peaceful moments.]


Marsha said...

No worries, sweetie. I like to hear you're okay. I've btdt where you are...I get it.

mile191 said...

Thanks, and thanks for asking. That alone is wonderful.

Being in school I see my email everyday, and just having you and other check in and say hello brightens my day and pushes me to be good to myself, and remember I am okay. Thank you.

I never mind you asking for an update, makes me think, and puts life in perspective, this time...writing it helped me see that I am doing better, feeling better.

Had you not asked, I would not have had that revelation...[I hope you get this, do you click the follow up comments box???]

Marsha said...

I hadn't even noticed the follow up comments box, but from here forward I'll check it. Thank you.

Cat said...

Hey take care of you - the rest will take care of itself.

Prayer Girl said...

Whether you read and comment or not, please keep blogging. We want to know how you are doing and we want to support you.


Just Be Real said...

Dear one you know there is never worries.... totally understand being stretched. You take your time dear one. Blessings and safe hugs!

Shadow said...

yikes girl, you have a busy life. capital B. and no wonder you get snappy or irritable at times. who wouldn't. so taking it one step, one issue, one day at a time is the only way to do it. i love you lots, even when you go 'missing' for a few days. as long as you're happy inside....

sarah said...

you're in a good place for the most part. enjoy it. I love being with my kids too because they give me something that feels soooo good. Keep taking care of you. Sarah

VICKI IN AZ said...

With you my friend.

Steve E. said...

Dear Mile 191. I feel close to you on many days, and want to say it does not matter--your commenting on our stuff, or not. What matters is your own health, your piece of mind.

You have a lovely family--but that does not mean it comes so easily. And you have a strong faith in God, so spiritually strong you least the way I see it.

But please relax sometimes...even your Lord went away to be "alone" for a time.

Above all--PEACE! OK?

Lisa Marie said...

It sounds like you are using the time you have to be as kind to yourself as possible. That is very good practice!

Psych Client said...

Hey Mile, I totally understand. Sometimes life just gets in the way of the blog world...

All that matters is that you take care of yourself in any way possible.


Marsha said...

How was your weekend, how are the rug rats, yourself?

Marsha said...

It's been a week! how are you?

VICKI IN AZ said...

♥ xoxo ♥
Thinking of you Mile my friend!!

who I was, who I am, who I plan to be...

i am trying to heal from severe childhood sexual, emotional,
physical, and mental abuse; and abandonment.

this is my story.

i have good and bad days, and some days the odds seem insurmountable.
i cling to the hope that healing will come to mend the shatter pieces of my heart, mind and body.

mile 191, well, you will understand as you read along.
mile 191, portions of my past have a link on the top right.
mile 191, bottoms up. hears to you and to me.

please, if you know me, just let me know you found me. i need honesty. (and please do not use personal names)
if you want to follow my story, please try to heal with me.
if you want to share with me, please do.
i will post bits of my pain as i can, and leave it here.
i once thought that i would publish...i haven't had the courage.

this is my closet, you are welcome to come in.
just know this is my refuge, healing takes place here,
maybe it will be a refuge to you too.

Quotes from Suvivors United - Standing Strong Together Against Abuse

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.
Eleanor Roosevelt

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
Helen Keller

Success is not to be measured by the position someone has reached in life, but the obstacles he has overcome while trying to succeed.
Booker T. Washington

When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard, ' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'
Sydney Harris

Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.
Richard L. Evans

Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.
Joshua J. Marine

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thanks CORNUT32! ♥

What a sweet award....and thanks for creating something so wonderful that can be passed along to bloggers who are indeed making a difference by sharing their lives.

I invite all my faithful and dear blogger friends to take this award. You indeed have made a difference in my life.

Thank you so much for being with me on my journey to heal....mile 191