come into my closet, come under my bed, where you'll find me hiding,
the fear in my head.

abuse in the past, now, where do i start, making my future,
healing my heart.

crushed, and broken, falling fast-
needing comfort, make it last.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

"No point in fighting it"

Sometimes the weariness sets in. Life is what it is.

Some days worse, others better than most.

I think I am learning patience right now. ...patience with myself.

I am weary. My grandpa said about weariness, "No point in fighting it."
We talked this morning about allowing it to teach us something new.

I cried my eyes out last night. Couldn't even talk, so weary.

I thought that I was doing better, but the demands of life, of raising children, of running around, of typical family worries has worn me down.

But this is good. I know that I am doing better. I was feeling strength, and confidence right before this hit, so this temporary feeling of dreary weary will pass.

My typical day is to get the kids to school and head to school myself. I got a scholarship for this year so I have to take one more class than I was use to taking. My kids are in sports, two in soccer, one in football, and the little one will either be starting golf or flag football in a months time. My daughter is in the school play, that part is easy for me, I just pick her up an hour and a half later. My oldest who is in football is also conditioning for Basketball twice a week. His day starts at 5 am. I usually don't make it awake until he is about the leave the house. This makes me feel a little bad because he should have his mom in the mornings but I am no good at mornings. He is very independent about getting up, making his breakfast and a sack lunch, and walking to school. It is a goal of mine to get to bed a little earlier so that I can sit with him in the kitchen while he eats. I know that this time is precious and will far to quickly pass. I don't want to regret anything.

Then there is helping them with homework and running them to sports, scouts for the two boys, Young Women activities for my daugher, Young Men's for my son. And throw all the Back to School Night activities with three seperate school systems in. Making cookies for after school snacks, banana bread, because the bananas are always going bad, making lunches for the next day, dinner, dishes, vacuming, laundry....
does this all sound familiar to so many of you???

My older two have teenage theatrics, friends coming and going, constant needs of this and that. Why do they have to have so much?????? [I am not talking clothes, shoes, make up, food...I am talking about "my teacher said I need to get this, or that, or have to find this exact book by tomorrow....ARGGGGHHHHHH....every teacher acts like they have only ONE class required to fulfill assignments for]. I know it is good for their training, the real world, but do they forget that when they are asking this on every student that a lot of these students have siblings.

Besides my three professors, I have to meet the needs of 8 more for my Son, 8 more for my daughter, and two for my younger boys. My youngest only got half his homework done last week and no reading. How did that happen????? I have older kids. This little child doesn't even get half the time he needs from me.

Yet, my two little boys are doing great. I think they are used to their older siblings taking so much of my time. The boys just have homework, keeping their room clean, and one sport each. A little running for them.

Saturdays are crazy with three having games. I don't know how that will go, this Saturday will be our first. My husband works every other Saturday so it will be hard on me to pick whose games when they overlap. I have always been to all their games.

I am the room mother for my youngest sons class. He is in Third Grade, and this is really the last year of room mothering that I will get, so no regrets. I will get to plan the parties, and teacher appreciation. I have done it for each of my kids, and this little one needs me for that right now.

I am in my ward Relief Society Presidency, over teaching each week. This responsibility has been really kind to me. I have a great deal of worry for the Women in our church. They have so much going on, and so many unique circumstances, they are always on my mind, and I am always trying to find the best things and ways to teach that will be uplifting to them. I taught last week on the Spirit of Despondency. This was hard for me, as I feel so much that I am suffering a great deal from this right now. Maybe I will post my lesson here sometime.

A quote from my lesson is following:

"Be not discouraged...neither allow the spirit of despondency to come into thy life, for these are tricks of the evil one to destroy thy faith and usefulness.
But look upon the bright side of life, to be cheerful, humble, prayerful, and pure in thy devotion and habits and the Lord will remember thee in mercy.
Therefore look unto the Lord in humility and thou shalt be comforted in the answer to thy prayers and be guided in the path of duty day and night." [Hyrum Smith]

I find it really interesting that as I taught this I would be so discouraged this week, so despondent, and so weary. I am feeling that this is destroying my usefulness for sure. I have gotten little done, and spent much time wasted. Not wasted on my kids, but weary and procrastinating things that if I would get them done I would not be feeling so much pressures right now.

I have had many wonderful conversations with my brother. The worry that I was feeling about him finding me has subsided and I am thrilled to have him communicating with me. He is as I always remembered, wonderful and very supportive and loving. I look forward to the strength we can offer one another.

He listened to my whoa's and gave me wonderful advice: Don't be so hard on yourself. ....and he is right. Being a mother to four, [two of them teenagers], a wife, in school full time, serving in my church, tending to family and neighbors needs, a sister, friend, survivor of many things....I do a great deal, and should be able to breath from time to time. I think I remembered that during my sobbing last night, I just need to breath. I was suffocating, feeling anxiety setting in....and then I remembered to breathe. In time I was relaxed enough to sleep.

I didn't have the strength to talk to my husband about how I was feeling. Do you know that feeling? When you are crying so hard that you absolutely can not speak? That is how I was. Today, he deserves an explaination. Much of what I was feeling will be resolved, but I can thank him for his care, for loving me...even when my face is melting away and my eyes are swollen shut.

Thanks, each of you, for checking in. I have very little time until I get my homework caught up. I will find some time afterwards to stop by. I do care about how you are all doing, thank you for stopping by, and checking on me. I find great strength in your kindness. Love you. ♥ [pheewwww, Marsha, are you glad you asked how I am doing??? ♥ Thank you for asking, I needed to write, so cathartic.]


Marsha said...

I agree with you, writing is good for the soul. I think that's why I do it.

And yes, I'm glad you updated as I was a bit worried. I had a sense I guess. I can't say I know you from Adam, but yet I feel connected I suppose through some of your pain. I'd been there myself a time or two, and maybe someday you too will form that scar, and maybe you too will be free from the open wounds.

The scars from our past never completey go away, but we forget them mostly, you know? Once healing is there. You're on the path.

I'm glad you have so much to do and so many children. That's what helped me, being too busy to think about anything else. It's therapuetic.

What's the saying, that idle hands are the devil's handiwork? I think it's true, at least mentally.

Kathy Lynne said...

I'm at a different stage of family life and yours sounds like a piece of heaven right about now. I remember those days fondly but I also remember how I coped, and that was by drinking. Now my nest is empty and I'm okay with that but your post just reminded me of the hectic, chaotic fun of which I missed some of. Yes, I said fun. I feel like if I knew then what I know now, it could have been fun. then again, I could be wrong. Hang in there..they grow up and go away and then the silence can be deafening. I guess the bottom line is we have to remember when to ask for help. Even if its simply to breathe.

Prayer Girl said...

Good grief Mile - of course you're weary. The description of all you do made me weary just reading it. :)

Just remember you are no "Super Woman", at least I hope not. Be sure to leave at least a little time in the schedule for you. You too are a precious CHILD - of God. You deserve tender loving care too.

Love you much and prayers,

Jess Mistress of Mischief said...


It's difficult when we take on so much responsibility to do everything required... My prayers are with you.

Lisa Marie said...

Wowza! You are a busy bee! While you may think you are letting things slip through the cracks, your kids cherish every moment you spend with them. You are setting such an example for them by showing them you can be successful in school and still participate in other things (for you PTA, church, etc for them, football, drama, etc).

Take a little time each day and remember that you can hand it all over to God. You are human. You cannot do everything.

Shadow said...

wow, no wonder you are weary. i'd be beyond weary, i'd be downright exhausted. just please make a little time for yourself so that you don't loose yourself in all that responsibility... even if it's just 15 minutes a day... hugs and love!

VICKI IN AZ said...

Sending you great big hugs and kisses and hopes for you to remember to take care of yourself.

I hope you are enjoying school. I am so proud of you... and a SCholarship. You Go Girl!

Naps are good too. Things will wait I promise.

Love you Mile, thanks for the update.

♥ Vicki

who I was, who I am, who I plan to be...

i am trying to heal from severe childhood sexual, emotional,
physical, and mental abuse; and abandonment.

this is my story.

i have good and bad days, and some days the odds seem insurmountable.
i cling to the hope that healing will come to mend the shatter pieces of my heart, mind and body.

mile 191, well, you will understand as you read along.
mile 191, portions of my past have a link on the top right.
mile 191, bottoms up. hears to you and to me.

please, if you know me, just let me know you found me. i need honesty. (and please do not use personal names)
if you want to follow my story, please try to heal with me.
if you want to share with me, please do.
i will post bits of my pain as i can, and leave it here.
i once thought that i would publish...i haven't had the courage.

this is my closet, you are welcome to come in.
just know this is my refuge, healing takes place here,
maybe it will be a refuge to you too.

Quotes from Suvivors United - Standing Strong Together Against Abuse

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.
Eleanor Roosevelt

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
Helen Keller

Success is not to be measured by the position someone has reached in life, but the obstacles he has overcome while trying to succeed.
Booker T. Washington

When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard, ' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'
Sydney Harris

Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.
Richard L. Evans

Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.
Joshua J. Marine

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thanks CORNUT32! ♥

What a sweet award....and thanks for creating something so wonderful that can be passed along to bloggers who are indeed making a difference by sharing their lives.

I invite all my faithful and dear blogger friends to take this award. You indeed have made a difference in my life.

Thank you so much for being with me on my journey to heal....mile 191