come into my closet, come under my bed, where you'll find me hiding,
the fear in my head.

abuse in the past, now, where do i start, making my future,
healing my heart.

crushed, and broken, falling fast-
needing comfort, make it last.

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Because of me

The more that I have been thinking about what I feel I realize that there are so many things about myself that I don't like.

I think deep down I must have always known that we did this thing. We flooded the basement, and I shouldn't say we. I was older. I was nine. My brother was only seven.

Yes we were kids, and that is probably the justification that goes through everyones wasn't our fault, it wasn't my fault. The adults in our lives did this. They made the choices, the choices that brought on our abuse and pain.

Okay, I hear all of that and I say it to myself.

But the bottom line is that it happened.

It happened, and I am living with it day and night.

And I have done and said things that are very much like my mother. Not that I am becoming her....I don't really feel that.

I am talking about the pain that I feel because of learning something, and putting all these thoughts and feelings together.

The pain that keeps me crying at night.

We took that drive up the mountain, we talked about those things, the simple childhood memories that took me back to the beginning. Back to where it began, and where it ended.

I hurt so badly.

I ache inside to have the pain soothed. To have it healed.

To be able to remember it, but not be so debilitated by the lonely sadness that the memories fill me with.

To be able to say, yes, it happened to me, but it is not ME.

To be able to discover who I am, regardless of being broken by his bruises.


Just Be Real said...

Dear one as you and I continue on our journey to "discover who we are," we do know that we are a child of God for starters.

Mile, appreciate you sharing your hurts, tears and pains. I can only ask that God continues to comfort and show you what you need.

Safe Hugs

mile191 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
mile191 said...

Thanks Just be Real for this nice comment. I have just been out reading a lot of posts, and yours as well, and I feel lifted.

These feelings are hard to work through, and for the next little while it is what I need to work through, but I feel hugged, safely, by you, and many of you...who have written what I needed to read.


Prayer Girl said...

I want you to know there is hope that you will eventually forgive yourself, let yourself off the hook.

I realized after 19 years in AA and came to Al-Anon that I was still punishing myself and unwilling to forgive myself. God had forgiven me, everyone had forgiven me, but I wasn't about to let myself off so easy. I was so punitive towards myself.

At that time I worked the 12 steps again and a lot of it was focused on caring, loving, and forgiving myself. Don't wait as long as I did. (I was in my late 50s).

I started praying and doing affirmations every single day for over a year and I finally did change. I did forgive myself.

Prayers to you that God will guide you in your search for inner healing and forgiveness. You are a precious child of God. He wants this for you and you deserve it.

Prayer Girl

Marj aka Thriver said...

The truth that sucks, that I never want to hear from a therapist is that there is always some part of us that is identified with the abuser. Just like we learned to speak English and we learned to walk. That's not our fault either. I do understand and I'm sorry it hurts so much.

But...I am so psyched that you're going to do The Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse. Yay! E-mail me with your e-mail address and I'll give you the scoop on how it works. I'm going camping soon, but I'll give you all the details Sunday night, okey dokey?

si tu veux said...

Prayergirl:...I am working on praying, for myself. It is hard. I have always prayed for others. I added me to my prayers. I have a great hope that I will feel the worth of my individual person. That He loves me, too.

Thank you for your support, your kind words.

I am going out tonight. Being the DD to keep me sober. Here we go. Hope and prayer that I can be so strong.

Marj aka thriver: I agree. So much of myself is exposed, it is not who I want to be. It feels terrible sometimes. I am working on that, how to be at peace. One thing that I always wanted was to tattoo myself, then I realized that it would make me too much like him. I like some tattoos. It was a hard decision, I couldn't bring myself to do it. Probably the best thing in the long run. I have always wondered why my brothers wanted so many, when it was like him...

Thanks for asking me to do the carnival. It will be a good thing. Looking outside of my own pain.

si tu veux said...

yep...its me too.

VICKI IN AZ said...

Thank you for letting us in again.
If we know where you are in the process we can send extra love your way.
Some things are just extra hard to let go for me, is it the same for you?
Some pain just runs extra deep, some comes from the core.
Sending you love and hugs,

who I was, who I am, who I plan to be...

i am trying to heal from severe childhood sexual, emotional,
physical, and mental abuse; and abandonment.

this is my story.

i have good and bad days, and some days the odds seem insurmountable.
i cling to the hope that healing will come to mend the shatter pieces of my heart, mind and body.

mile 191, well, you will understand as you read along.
mile 191, portions of my past have a link on the top right.
mile 191, bottoms up. hears to you and to me.

please, if you know me, just let me know you found me. i need honesty. (and please do not use personal names)
if you want to follow my story, please try to heal with me.
if you want to share with me, please do.
i will post bits of my pain as i can, and leave it here.
i once thought that i would publish...i haven't had the courage.

this is my closet, you are welcome to come in.
just know this is my refuge, healing takes place here,
maybe it will be a refuge to you too.

Quotes from Suvivors United - Standing Strong Together Against Abuse

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.
Eleanor Roosevelt

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
Helen Keller

Success is not to be measured by the position someone has reached in life, but the obstacles he has overcome while trying to succeed.
Booker T. Washington

When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard, ' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'
Sydney Harris

Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.
Richard L. Evans

Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.
Joshua J. Marine

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thanks CORNUT32! ♥

What a sweet award....and thanks for creating something so wonderful that can be passed along to bloggers who are indeed making a difference by sharing their lives.

I invite all my faithful and dear blogger friends to take this award. You indeed have made a difference in my life.

Thank you so much for being with me on my journey to heal....mile 191