Saturday, July 11, 2009
Because of me
The more that I have been thinking about what I feel I realize that there are so many things about myself that I don't like.
I think deep down I must have always known that we did this thing. We flooded the basement, and I shouldn't say we. I was older. I was nine. My brother was only seven.
Yes we were kids, and that is probably the justification that goes through everyones minds...it wasn't our fault, it wasn't my fault. The adults in our lives did this. They made the choices, the choices that brought on our abuse and pain.
Okay, I hear all of that and I say it to myself.
But the bottom line is that it happened.
It happened, and I am living with it day and night.
And I have done and said things that are very much like my mother. Not that I am becoming her....I don't really feel that.
I am talking about the pain that I feel because of learning something, and putting all these thoughts and feelings together.
The pain that keeps me crying at night.
We took that drive up the mountain, we talked about those things, the simple childhood memories that took me back to the beginning. Back to where it began, and where it ended.
I hurt so badly.
I ache inside to have the pain soothed. To have it healed.
To be able to remember it, but not be so debilitated by the lonely sadness that the memories fill me with.
To be able to say, yes, it happened to me, but it is not ME.
To be able to discover who I am, regardless of being broken by his bruises.
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Thanks CORNUT32! ♥
What a sweet award....and thanks for creating something so wonderful that can be passed along to bloggers who are indeed making a difference by sharing their lives.
I invite all my faithful and dear blogger friends to take this award. You indeed have made a difference in my life.
Thank you so much for being with me on my journey to heal....mile 191
8 comments:
Dear one as you and I continue on our journey to "discover who we are," we do know that we are a child of God for starters.
Mile, appreciate you sharing your hurts, tears and pains. I can only ask that God continues to comfort and show you what you need.
((((Mile))))
Safe Hugs
Thanks Just be Real for this nice comment. I have just been out reading a lot of posts, and yours as well, and I feel lifted.
These feelings are hard to work through, and for the next little while it is what I need to work through, but I feel hugged, safely, by you, and many of you...who have written what I needed to read.
Thanks.
I want you to know there is hope that you will eventually forgive yourself, let yourself off the hook.
I realized after 19 years in AA and came to Al-Anon that I was still punishing myself and unwilling to forgive myself. God had forgiven me, everyone had forgiven me, but I wasn't about to let myself off so easy. I was so punitive towards myself.
At that time I worked the 12 steps again and a lot of it was focused on caring, loving, and forgiving myself. Don't wait as long as I did. (I was in my late 50s).
I started praying and doing affirmations every single day for over a year and I finally did change. I did forgive myself.
Prayers to you that God will guide you in your search for inner healing and forgiveness. You are a precious child of God. He wants this for you and you deserve it.
Prayer Girl
The truth that sucks, that I never want to hear from a therapist is that there is always some part of us that is identified with the abuser. Just like we learned to speak English and we learned to walk. That's not our fault either. I do understand and I'm sorry it hurts so much.
But...I am so psyched that you're going to do The Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse. Yay! E-mail me with your e-mail address and I'll give you the scoop on how it works. I'm going camping soon, but I'll give you all the details Sunday night, okey dokey? thriver@survivorscanthrive.com
Prayergirl:...I am working on praying, for myself. It is hard. I have always prayed for others. I added me to my prayers. I have a great hope that I will feel the worth of my individual person. That He loves me, too.
Thank you for your support, your kind words.
I am going out tonight. Being the DD to keep me sober. Here we go. Hope and prayer that I can be so strong.
Marj aka thriver: I agree. So much of myself is exposed, it is not who I want to be. It feels terrible sometimes. I am working on that, how to be at peace. One thing that I always wanted was to tattoo myself, then I realized that it would make me too much like him. I like some tattoos. It was a hard decision, I couldn't bring myself to do it. Probably the best thing in the long run. I have always wondered why my brothers wanted so many, when it was like him...
Thanks for asking me to do the carnival. It will be a good thing. Looking outside of my own pain.
yep...its me too.
Mile.
Thank you for letting us in again.
If we know where you are in the process we can send extra love your way.
Some things are just extra hard to let go for me, is it the same for you?
Some pain just runs extra deep, some comes from the core.
Sending you love and hugs,
Vicki
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