come into my closet, come under my bed, where you'll find me hiding,
the fear in my head.

abuse in the past, now, where do i start, making my future,
healing my heart.

crushed, and broken, falling fast-
needing comfort, make it last.

Sunday, July 12, 2009


What have I come to?

I have come to perspective.

The hurt that this memory has caused is healing.

I guess that broken is better. I have said that before. I have ridden this rollar coaster, the ups and downs of life. Of pain, of tragedy, of horror.

And I am me.

That is what has become of it all.

And I like me.

I could focus on what I don't like, but that would only take me to scary places again.

Places like the pain that I feel realizing that I do have some of my mother in me. That I am going to once in a while say something from my childhood that could be tied to her.

I find it interesting. I smiled as I said that we couldn't swim until the snow had melted. I thought that being able to say that...smiling... that I was somehow a bit healed. A bit whole.

Was I wrong?

I ask because how come this conversation about the snow and my mother, and our flooding the basement,

...not how come...

--actually, HOW COULD I smile and say that to my own children, and yet, that VERY STATEMENT and childhood act and memory IS IN FACT the concluding statement of the the Grand Juridical proving of WHEN and WHERE and HOW I came to be abuse, beaten, molested, raped, all happened because of her.

Because she said those things, and we were children, and "shit happened" [to quote an unquotable].

And it is all history. My history. The story that I leave to my children.

And now, I have their future in my hands.

What will they say of me?

That is all I have left. Their future....and mine.

And it is what I make of it.

Perspective: When you are BLINDED by your trials, allow God to SHOW you his Eternal Perspective. "And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them." Ether 12:27

This all leads back to my telling my husband. That morning.


Prayer Girl said...

And the truth will set you free. Getting painful memories and feelings out into the sunlight promotes healing.

I saw a billboard the other day outside one of our high schools. It read:
Your children will not remember what you said. They will remember how you made them feel.
SO - stop worrying about what you may have said to your kids (a repetition from your own childhood) - they will remember how you make them feel.

I hate to tell you this, but all us women have a part of our mothers in us. Reality! We can minimize the defects and capitalize on our strengths.

With love,

Cat said...

PG comment is so wise - and I agree - focus on how you make your children feel and they will know your love no matter what.

who I was, who I am, who I plan to be...

i am trying to heal from severe childhood sexual, emotional,
physical, and mental abuse; and abandonment.

this is my story.

i have good and bad days, and some days the odds seem insurmountable.
i cling to the hope that healing will come to mend the shatter pieces of my heart, mind and body.

mile 191, well, you will understand as you read along.
mile 191, portions of my past have a link on the top right.
mile 191, bottoms up. hears to you and to me.

please, if you know me, just let me know you found me. i need honesty. (and please do not use personal names)
if you want to follow my story, please try to heal with me.
if you want to share with me, please do.
i will post bits of my pain as i can, and leave it here.
i once thought that i would publish...i haven't had the courage.

this is my closet, you are welcome to come in.
just know this is my refuge, healing takes place here,
maybe it will be a refuge to you too.

Quotes from Suvivors United - Standing Strong Together Against Abuse

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.
Eleanor Roosevelt

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
Helen Keller

Success is not to be measured by the position someone has reached in life, but the obstacles he has overcome while trying to succeed.
Booker T. Washington

When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard, ' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'
Sydney Harris

Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.
Richard L. Evans

Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.
Joshua J. Marine

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thanks CORNUT32! ♥

What a sweet award....and thanks for creating something so wonderful that can be passed along to bloggers who are indeed making a difference by sharing their lives.

I invite all my faithful and dear blogger friends to take this award. You indeed have made a difference in my life.

Thank you so much for being with me on my journey to heal....mile 191