come into my closet, come under my bed, where you'll find me hiding,
the fear in my head.

abuse in the past, now, where do i start, making my future,
healing my heart.

crushed, and broken, falling fast-
needing comfort, make it last.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

mascera on my pillow

I have been crying, so much my eyes are swollen and there are perfect marks from them on my pillow.

My husband has gotten up to go to work. We talked. A perfect blogger support friend moment. I wouldn't have talked....but the words written by Vicki in AZ struck my heart to the core, she wrote about telling...


Today, I went to her blog...she posted about her reasons....a reason to break the cycle...


ummmm, it is not ironic. there are reasons we are in one anothers lives.


Let me write, about my tears. For me. If you read, please know...

this is written for me, to heal, it is how I feel today. But it is not how I will feel tomorrow, or when you are reading it, it is only how I feel RIGHT NOW. In this moment.

For once I write it I will walk away from my computer, leave these feelings, these thoughts, HERE, in my closet, in my healing place. And it will be DONE.


My brother came to visit.

We had a wonderful evening.

And then we stayed up WAY to late talking.

The next morning came really early. I had to be up, to be showered, dressed, ready, to get everyone else ready...

because we only have one day, one moment to make,

and then he will be gone.

AGAIN.


Abandonment. Probably the hardest of my abuse issues to deal with.

I miss people, when they are gone.

I hate leaving. I struggle with deaths. Still.


This morning I was TELLING my husband,
after many tears,
about my pain.

I haven't ever really done that.
I talked to him. He tried to comfort, to console,
then he tried to SOLVE.

The solving doesn't really work,
he got up and went to work.
He left me too.


So I cried more.
And then I remembered that I could come here and tell.
I could just write it all away.


What I fear the most is to become like my own mother was. It is not a rational fear, I know that I wont become her. It would be impossible. But, I hurt.

I hurt today because I realized yesterday, with my brother, that it was us. Well, it was me.

We took a drive yesterday, up a canyon that I grew up in. My mother used to tell us as kids that we could not swim until the snow was off the mountain. The snow was never off this mountain, EVER. If it was, she would say, "YEAH...we will go next week." And as children we got our hopes up....and then it would SNOW the next week, and of course we couldn't go.

My brother said, "she said that because she never wanted to take us swimming." Which is probably true.

My daughter said, "My mom tells us the same thing." And that is true.


I do. I tell my kids that. The difference is that I take them swimming all the time. But I tease and tell them that, and I thought that it was kind of cathartic that I could tell them that, and smile. That I was able to DEAL with some of my childhood without it all being bad, and being sad.


But yesterday....as we talked about this - I remembered something.


We remembered something. We were talking and I said, "Yes, she would say that, but she never stopped us from having fun."

My brother remembered that we would always flood things so that we could swim. We flooded everything we could find on our farm. We laughed yesterday about letting the cows out. About leaving our basement window open and letting ourselves in and out, day and night. No one ruled us. We ruled, and we had so much fun.

And then we remembered....we flooded the basement once, so that we could GO SWIMMING. We plugged up the bathroom, the toilet, the shower, and both sinks, and left the water on. We went out the window to play...just knowing that the basement would be our swimming pool when we got home. We flooded the basement...so that we could have fun.


Because we flooded the basement my mother had to hire construction workers to come remodel our home.

Because we flooded the basement, my mother hired my future STEP DAD to remodel our home.

BECAUSE we flooded the basement, he came into our home everyday and began to molest me, he wooed my mother from her lonely life, and she took us kids and ran away with him.


Because of me.

And, now I have said the same thing to my children, the thing that she said to us, the thing that started our nightmare.

11 comments:

Patty said...

No matter what you think, you are not being punished, honey. We always think everything is our fault. You were just being a kid. Have yourself a good cry and take those kids swimming today. OK?
{{{HUGS}}}

Paula said...

I agree with Patty, whatever you think you were a kid. Nothing what you did openend the door for what happenend later. It is the adult who is responsible NOT YOU. I can relate to the feeling of abdandonment. Father dead, stepfather abused me and Mother knew it. It took me quite a while to figure that she turned me in an orphan. Her abandonment turned me into an orphan despite her being alive. Yeah men's tendency to solve to take your and their hurt away. Be kind to yourself. BE KIND to the KID inside you. IT IS NOT HER FAULT. Tons of hugs across the pond

LADYBUG said...

Life has given you all kinds of trials, and you are still here! isn't that wonderful? You are bigger than life. its ok to cry, it cleanses your soul and spirit. you will be fine. Nothing stop us from going back to memories, but we learn something in our way back!
Please feel good today Mile.

VICKI IN AZ said...

Mile,
I am so proud of you for telling this beautiful story. It is a story of how you came to be you. One of the stories. This is a story which makes me laugh and then brings many tears.
You are an amazing THRIVER with so many gifts to offer, because of your stories.
I am satisfied that you have walked away from the computer, that you no longer are staying in all of this pain, I am proud of you.
Honor yourself, honor your pain.
I Honor you my friend.
Vicki

Sophie in the Moonlight said...

Mile,

We have never met, but I feel like I know you intimately. I, too, had the crazy mother, the abusive step-father, and still have a wonderful brother with whom I am close despite all the shit that happened when we were young.

Like you, I have made the worst threats of my childhood into jokes with my own kids. "Don't make me beat you" is the Moonlight Mom's code for an imminent tickle fest if the kids don't start behaving. I say it and they start laughing and begging me to "beat" them.

Like you, one of my worst fears is becoming my Egg Donor (the term mother cannot possibly apply to her; my brother calls her Psycho Bitch. Neither of us has seen nor talked to her in almost 2 decades. I'm hoping she's dead.) My fear of becoming her was so profound that it led to two suicide attempts.

Like you, I blamed myself for a long, long time. When I'm having a rough time in & out of PTSD attacks, I still blame myself. But, when I am most myself, I know that as a child I was powerless to control the actions of those in the Authority Roles of my life. As the wife of a sex addict in recovery, I've learned that I can't control his actions either. I can only take care of myself. I am only responsible for myself and, sometimes, the only control I have is to make decisions based on the rotten choices of others. However, the decisions are mine and they are healthier than they have ever been.

I'm proud of you for laying out your thinking struggles in here. I am sending you love and (((hugs))) to save for whenever you need them. Perhaps you are in a great space today, but if the self-blame train starts coming down your track, please remember you are not alone and it was not your fault.

Marj aka Thriver said...

Oh.

Wow.

I'm so sorry.

I think the hardest part is forgiving ourselves. You were set up. It wasn't your fault. Remember, you were a kid. I hope you can forgive yourself and cry tears of compassion and forgiveness for your child self.

Hey, would you like to host a July edition of The Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse. Your ability to share in this way tells me (among other things) what a great host you will be. Let me know when you can. Thanks!

Prayer Girl said...

What a blessing that you were able to get these thoughts harbored heaven only knows how many years in your mind - OUT INTO THE SUNLIGHT.

The Sunlight can take away their power to hurt you.

WHAT HAPPENED WAS NOT YOUR FAULT! PERIOD! END OF STORY! ABUSE IS NEVER THE VICTIM'S FAULT! EVER! FLOODED BASEMENT OR NOT!

I pray that releasing this story will allow you to heal - just as you "hope".

P.S. - YOUR LIFE TODAY WITH YOUR CHILDREN IS NOT A REPEAT PERFORMANCE! IS NOT!

I love you so much. All will be well in God's gracious time and with His gracious love,
Prayer Girl

Rhonda said...

This had to have been a healing post for you sweety. Remember that it is NEVER your fault. What happened to you, to me, to any of us, is not something that we brought upon ourselves. You were very brave in sharing this post with us. It's scary to face our fears the way you did here. Hang in there and prayers will continue to go up for your healing process on this end.

Colleen said...

You did not do anything wrong. You were a child. It is not your fault. Keep saying that over and over. "It is not my fault. I was just a child."
Take care of you.

Steve E. said...

Mile, I went to AZ Vicky and also thanked her for taking care of you, supporting you in her beautiful comments, you, who are my blog-friend. We care about you all who have been so mistreated, so abused, so taken advantage of.

Love comes from Naples FL, and Steve E

LeShel said...

it's out...
LOVE YOU - cry for you - pray for you- look forward to being with you!

who I was, who I am, who I plan to be...

i am trying to heal from severe childhood sexual, emotional,
physical, and mental abuse; and abandonment.


this is my story.

i have good and bad days, and some days the odds seem insurmountable.
i cling to the hope that healing will come to mend the shatter pieces of my heart, mind and body.


mile 191, well, you will understand as you read along.
mile 191, portions of my past have a link on the top right.
mile 191, bottoms up. hears to you and to me.


please, if you know me, just let me know you found me. i need honesty. (and please do not use personal names)
if you want to follow my story, please try to heal with me.
if you want to share with me, please do.
i will post bits of my pain as i can, and leave it here.
i once thought that i would publish...i haven't had the courage.


this is my closet, you are welcome to come in.
just know this is my refuge, healing takes place here,
maybe it will be a refuge to you too.


Quotes from Suvivors United - Standing Strong Together Against Abuse

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.
Eleanor Roosevelt

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
Helen Keller

Success is not to be measured by the position someone has reached in life, but the obstacles he has overcome while trying to succeed.
Booker T. Washington

When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard, ' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'
Sydney Harris

Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.
Richard L. Evans

Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.
Joshua J. Marine


What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thanks CORNUT32! ♥



What a sweet award....and thanks for creating something so wonderful that can be passed along to bloggers who are indeed making a difference by sharing their lives.

I invite all my faithful and dear blogger friends to take this award. You indeed have made a difference in my life.

Thank you so much for being with me on my journey to heal....mile 191