come into my closet, come under my bed, where you'll find me hiding,
the fear in my head.

abuse in the past, now, where do i start, making my future,
healing my heart.

crushed, and broken, falling fast-
needing comfort, make it last.

Friday, July 17, 2009

July Blog Carnival: aka Freedom to Heal ♥



FYI: I began this post [below] prior to being asked by Marj aka Thriver to host the July Blog Carnival.

I read you. Many of you, some who read me, some who don't.
I need you. Your comments, your hope.

You are directly tied to my healing process,
because you believe in me.

Also, because you know.

You know the pain, because you have lived the pain.

You have hurt, you are also in need of healing.

We are in this together.

You are amazing strong people. I see that, I read that.
words are with me, and I ALWAYS find something, exactly what I need, when I read you. Thank you.

I have a new reader. This is from her blog.

Pearls ...

Pearls ...
...are made by injured life's

Her name is Paula. Click on the picture to take you to her blog Captured...or click on her name to take you to her blog Tea, Toast and Treasure. Tidbits of healing....treasure in friendship.

Paula, welcome to Healing!

...and now on to...

The THEME for the JULY carnival is


I have come to realize that healing is a choice.
We have the freedom to move into a better future and to not give even one more moment of our lives to our abusers. We are free from them and have power over our past as we realize that healing is freedom....possible, available....healing is worth fighting for.

The pain of our abuse, neglect, even addictions is WAR,
and we are fighting for our healing, for our future.

Every day, every word your speak, write,
share boldly stands up to say
we wont take it anymore.

Don't Give One More Moment
of YOUR life to them.
Freedom to Heal

I am thrilled to be part of this network of healing and my hope for you is that through this Freedom to Heal Blog Carnival that you will find friendships and support on your healing journey.

For the Carnival I have had submissions from the following.

These BC submissions:
notes, poetry, and invitations to heal,
are beautiful expressions
and I thank you for them.

This has been a huge journey and I feel myself standing on the edge of the cliff, not wanting to jump, but wanting to enjoy the beauty of the view.

The view of my past, my journey to heal, the freedom that I feel to see it, and to turn around and
continue hiking. My hike will continue with you; with each of you
as together we work hard to heal.

I begin with an expression from One Tough Cookie.

Her blog -perfect- is amazing to follow.

She submitted Bouquet or Field: The building of a bridge.
[you will notice if you click on the icon, the blog name, and the submission that I take you to the authors Profile, Blog Current Page, and finally to the submitted article. I hope this is not confusing but allows you to easily access each piece of information from each blog author.]

She expresses, "You can hold on to the little bit that you have or you can open yourself up to the possibility of so much more. I choose to drop my bouquet and experience the field.

...And I'll be damned if I'm going to let this slip by without sucking every ounce of opportunity out of it. I know I've more work to do but I am changing and it feels freeing. No, it *IS* freeing."

Thanks One Tough Cookie,
You don't have to be perfect...
just keep being YOU!

also on our journey...
Freedom to Heal!

ChildPerson From The South stated:
"Healing from child abuse is a journey. Along with the freedom to choose healing, we choose a journey that like any other will be filled with byways, hills and valleys. At times the going is easy and we celebrate our successes with joy. At other times, the going is hard and we stumble, even collapse, under the weight of it. Then we may cry out in torment to whatever gods may be for us: Why me? Why struggle? Why go on?"

This submission: A Child Abuse Legend: A Journey of Healing

gives the reader the sense of Healing by Choice,
enduring the journey.
A very worthwhile read which concludes:

"And so you will find your way, and there will be help you never dreamed of, if you choose healing and just keep going…and someday fifty years hence, you may even look at your scars and say…after all is said and done, Life is Good. Thank You God!

And please now let me say, although the words may sound trite and over used…as you choose healing, and go through the valleys, along the byways, over the seemingly endless hills...Enjoy your Journey!"

"A Child is Waiting,
Take aware,
Nancy Lee"


Paul writes about our responsibility to heal. His analogy of water in Respect, Responsibility, and Water states in retrospect that:
"The route to healing is increasing that awareness, building collaboration and communication and bringing down the dissociative walls. This is monumental work."

I enjoyed his rhetoric:
"respect and responsibility leads to safety."

He shares what happens when you analyze a glass of water:
"Imagine, for example, a glass of water. The glass sits on a table and when you look at it, everything looks quite calm."

Read his submission to find out what
happens when you look at
water with a magnifying glass.

He continues in his article:

"I often think of my personality system as a network of hydrogen bonds."

"...So, next time you drink one of your several 8 oz glasses of water each day for your optimal physical health, realize that the water is doing a dance just like inside your head and that the dance is not a simple one. Know that this ability to keep our systems as liquid water (and not steam or ice) is what gives us a holistic sense of respect and responsibility."

And perhaps you can adopt the motto I have for today:

"Water is healing".

perhaps we can...what a great article, analogy and motto. Thanks Paul.

I went on to read:

Dr. Kathleen Young, who submitted an article under the catergory Healing and Therapy titled 7 Things You Can DO RIght Now To Start Feeling Better

She writes:

"Anxious? Depressed? Stressed? Overwhelmed by trauma memories? You will want to do things to help yourself feel better as quickly as possible, without doing anything that has negative consequences. It takes time to recover but there are simple things you can do right now."

I respond, YES PLEASE. I will take some of that. Check out her submission for the 7 things that you can be doing right now. I was particularly interested in number 6:

6. Connect to others. We all need human connection. Do you have supportive friends you can reach out to? If not, explore in-person or online support groups, classes, activities.
Blogging, the support of you who read, write, and comment, really exemplifies this. I feel your friendship, support, understanding, healing and freeing myself from my pain as I enter your lives through your words, your honesty, your real raw rhetoric. Thank you for sharing parts of yourself with me each week, day, and for being there day and night, anytime I need a little pick me up, hold me back, ((((safe hugs))))), understanding, human connection.

Grace submitted a writing titled

Good Enough: Someday....I WILL Heal!

she begins:
"I will heal...I will hold my head high. I will walk with confidence and grace and spread my love and joy to all people, each person that I come in contact with."

and continues...
"I will heal… I will look into the mirror I will smile at who I am and who I've become.

I will heal…I will run and play and I will become a positive role model for my children and others.

I will heal…I will acknowledge the pain I feel inside, and learn to cope without causing physical pain to myself.

I will heal…I will accept that this is my life and it's the only life I have so I will live it to the fullest and no one will stop me.

I will heal…I will give to others all that I have to give and I will smile as I do so because that is how I was created.

I will heal…I will stand up for what I believe in and fight for the beliefs I have and I will not let someone else sway me from those beliefs. And when need be, I will be firm, but loving, and I will not back down from what I know is true.

I will heal…I will share my story with others as I can because it is my strength and stronghold and the reason I am alive."

These expressions are freeing her from her past. She has chosen to HEAL and is finding that she has the power and the FREEDOM TO HEAL.

Thanks Grace, you are GOOD ENOUGH! I have learned so much from your courage and strength, and the statement...I WILL HEAL...
and I believe that Someday....SOON will HEAL ♥ hugs, mile 191

Following Grace I thought Enola was a perfect fit. Enola wrote: As an attorney, I enjoy legal things. This is my own proclamation of freedom. It was very healing to write. I'd encourage others to write their own. If you're not up for that, but want one anyway, I'll be glad to offer my own skills to write one for you, pro bono (free) of course.

Her submission is from October 2007 but fits the bill for therapeutic freedom. I not only enjoyed her post, but the comments left by others at that time. She writes a divorce decree from whatever was plaguing her, and encourages readers to do the same for themselves. Letting go of the past, freeing yourself, being open to healing.

Her post is titled: I Now Pronounce You Divorced. Check it out!

Mary G. submitted a poem:


I try so hard to shake the past

But it still flickers through my mind,

That little girl that I do see

Herself she still cant find.

The pain she feels tears through her

Like a knife so sharp she screams,

Why did he do those awful things

When he comes close it makes her squeam....

...She tries so hard to hide her fears

And keeps them deep inside,

But one day they will erupt in her

And to someone she will confide.....

...I don't know when I will heal inside

For that little girl in me,

Is still too scared to open up

Dear God please help set her free.

Free to be her self again,

With a sparkle in her eye,

To have happy thoughts and pretty smiles

And no more fears that make her cry.

I end this here in hopes that I

Will one day conquer my fears,

And be able to show one little child

That there IS hope, and no more tears.

Written by Mary G.

To read the poem in it's entirety, click on the links.
Great Submission. Thanks Mary G.

AND now A THOUGHT on Reclaiming ourSELVES after ABUSE:

Beautiful Dreamer's submission Reclaiming What Was Mine.

This "Beautiful" journal entry talks about the definition of the word Reclaim:
"re·claim (r-klm) 1. To bring into or return to a suitable condition for use, as cultivation or habitation: reclaim marshlands; reclaim strip-mined land. 2. To procure (usable substances) from refuse or waste products. 3. To bring back, as from error, to a right or proper course; reform."

Like most of us can associate "My childhood was on a proper course to begin with, but somehow it ended up off track and everything which unfolded beyond that point felt to me as if it were a grisly error."

She talks about self - expression:
"Because we're all created as unique individuals, we have the need and the right to express ourselves in many diverse ways, without anyone dictating to us what those ways should be."

and continues with the ability to make her own decisions...HUGE...

and concludes with the right and ability to be guided NOT by FEAR...

Fears are the inevitable outcome of having had so many horrible things done to me as a child. It's only logical that I would have them, but must I live with them for the rest of my days? This too is a choice, though the act of choosing not to be ruled by fear won't make them instantly vanish. Their roots go deep. If they are to be excavated from my life they will have to be taken seriously. Fear, I'm discovering, grows the more it is given expression and focus. Perhaps I can learn to distract myself from them by focusing on the good things in my life and, by doing so, minimize their impact on my world today.

Reclaim: to call back, entreat, cry out.

May I never stop doing these things as I learn to live in the world not as a victim, but as one who has decided, yes decided, to live life to the fullest."

To give oneself permission to heal is a defining moment with huge positive repercussions. Though healing is a definite process (and deciding its undertaking doesn't mean instant results), it is a choice we must make if we want to turn the tables on our abusers. I want to live life to the fullest, and so I choose to do so. I'm still crippled in some areas, I may ever be so--but always, in some manner, I'm moving forward. The one idea I'd like to implant in the brain of each survivor is that healing is a choice. And no one can make that choice for you.

Marj aka Thriver submitted an older post, a poem, that touched my very core.

she says:
"I wrote this poem over a year ago. It was during a productive time, before I retrieved new childhood abuse memories, that led to the depression, that sent me down to the Colin Ross trauma program in Dallas, Texas. The poem is called I Am Whole. The last line says, "Now I am free!" I have to admit, I don't always believe these lines.

a few more of her thoughts leading to the poem:
"'s something from my Meditations page of my website,

Somewhere along the journey from victim, to survivor to thriver, you realize: you are not broken; you are whole.

"It takes but one positive thought when given a chance to survive and thrive
to overpower an entire army of negative thoughts."
~ Robert H. Schuller

Please treat yourself to this submission and read her poem, I am Whole.
I am whole
Nothing can shake me
No one can break me

I am whole
It's what I know
Let go control

I am whole
Can't be defined
One heart, one mind

I am whole
Thought I was broken
Cruel words were spoken

But, I am whole
I choose to be
Now I am free!

Yes, Marj. You are FREE, Heal ♥

Lisa Marie A shares a heart wrenching experience with understanding her pain, her experiences and her journey with her post titled, Can You Think Like A Child?

I really understood her when she wrote this: "I didn't even realize I was crying. That question I love was said next, "What are you feeling right now?". There aren't words for what I feel. PAIN. Not having the words to explain that, I told her I was frustrated with the fact that even going through every awful thing he did to me, I still place the blame on myself and cannot find it in me to feel anger towards him."

She concludes: "Through the tears and the pain, I learned something that seems so painfully obvious but something that I think is going to help me on my journey to heal. I can't think of this as an adult. I have to realize that my inner child needs to take control of this one. I just hope she feels strong enough to come out."

Read her entire post, it is courageous! She also submitted a celebration of her working through shame and hopeless feelings in her
A Tale of Two People.

Both Great reads. Check them out!

Nancy Richards submitted a post titled: Progress vs. Pain Free. In it she wrote, "I could see that each time I "hit" a patch of pain, I was healing at a deeper level. Sometimes, I may have been the same, but feelings I was not the same!

When I began to focus on my progress vs. being pain free, it restored my energy and gave me renewed hope!"


Shadow from
1 door away from heaven
submitted a poem

she asks:

"can she bring
herself to
find the will that unbars"

take the time to read her poetry which begins...

"in her soul
are the echoes
of a distant girl
who revelled
in love"

Sarah submitted Silence No More from her blog-
Child abuse hurts.
It hurts really bad.
It changes who we are.
It changes who we become.
It changes how we move in the world.

I refuse to allow what happened to me stop me from living my best life.

She quotes:
"I swear never to be silent whenever and wherever human beings endure suffering and humiliation. Silence encourages the tormentor never the tormented." Eli Wiesel

Read her story, her boldly breaking the silence, her freeing herself, allowing the healing process to begin. She is beautiful, and brave.

In her post she concludes:

"I"m stronger now. Somehow everything that happened made me strong. I just need to know it's ok to stop fighting. To let go, to trust."

Thank you Sarah, for sharing.

Mark submitted two of his posts. Both I felt were applicable to our Freedom to Heal. His first post is titled Getting Used To It - A Metaphor

Something that he shared from it after he wrote about an experience he had in therapy that helped him to recognize his misunderstanding of his own physical condition. He stated:
"Sounds like a metaphor for life, eh? If not life in general, certainly the life of a survivor. Sometimes we are so familiar with the pain and other affects from our past that we don’t even realize how much better life could be with some small changes. We simply get used to what we have and convince ourselves that there’s nothing really wrong.

His next post submitted actually came from our Blog Carnival theme: Freedom to Heal. I really enjoyed the strength in his statement here:

"survivors often struggling with feeling like they need permission to take care of themselves first."
[ummmm, yeah.]
"Survivors making the choice to take care of themselves is a similar situation. So many of us have been conditioned to take care of others, to think of our own needs last, perhaps even that our needs don’t matter. It can be difficult to look after our needs first and foremost because we’ve been trained not to do that, and just like the reaction of the boss at the grocery store that Red works in after being released, it makes absolutely no sense to anyone else. That’s because it’s perfectly normal to want to take care of ourselves.
Survivors need to remember that, and then we need to give ourselves permission to do what we need to do as human beings, take care of ourselves!"
Way to go Mark, Thank you for the submissions, and keep on writing. Take care of yourself!

...and finally, celebrating Independence Day, Patricia submitted an article that encompasses:

"A Bill of Rights and Declaration of Independence for survivors of childhood abuse."

"July 4 is Independence Day in the U. S. A. We have lots of cook-outs, family gatherings and fireworks displays to attend. Many people spend time in their back yards with family and friends or go swimming, fishing and boating on our many lakes.

Some of us use this day to declare our independence from our abusive past."
She continues to state the following and then writes a bill of healing and freedom from abuse and her past.
"Over the past few weeks, I have been sorting through some of my old writings looking for a particular few pages that are still eluding my searches. Instead I found a Bill of Rights list that I wrote for myself over 10 years ago that I want to share with you now.".

She links you to one of my favorite bloggers:

Colleen is brave, she has courage, she uesdeclares:
I am now declaring my independence from all who abuse me.
So many people advised me today to back off and separate from my abusers. And so I did.
So many people advised me today to take care of myself and my inner child. And so I am.

Check out her blog, her post Declaration of Independence,
and think about writing your own declaration!!!

She concludes bravely:

"There is freedom in truth
and freedom in being real.
There is freedom in being true to oneself.
There is freedom in love.
The honest kind of love.
The real kind that makes us whole,
the kind that does not tear us apart.
My eyes are wide open
and I am seeing something
I thought I would never see.

I am seeing the truth.
Truth has invaded my family.
And those who want it
or need it are thriving.

Living free.
And those who need to hide
from it are in the dark,

toxic to me and to others.
And so I will stick with
Truth and Love and Freedom.
That will be my flag.
Let freedom ring."

In conclusion of this July Blog Carnival FREEDOM TO HEAL...

My bloggers:
Free yourself from the past of pain and abuse.
Freedom to Heal.
We are in this together,

to support,
to comment with shows of compassion,

we can be healed and be made whole,
as we turn even to Christ,
for those who have religion;
to Christ, or Buddha,
or whatever Godly being that you
have in your life to seek and find peace.

My hope is that you find some friendship, some words of encouragement.

Reach out to each other, that we may find all who are looking for healing here in the space of technology, that no woman or man ever feel alone in healing.

Freedom to Heal!
Happy Healthy Healing!!!!

hugs --mile 191


Enola said...

Thanks for hosting. I loved your format!

Dr. Kathleen Young said...

I am honored to be included among. There is so much wisdom, hope and healing being expressed here!

Kathleen Young

Marj aka Thriver said...

I love the format, too! AWESOME job! Thanks so much for hosting. I'll get around and read these wonderful freedom (and other category) posts and I'll get the carnival listed over at BC dot com. I will also "advertise" this over at Twitter and the Child Abuse Survivor ning network.

Let's get readin' everybody!

Paula said...

Thank you so much for hosting, thanks for all the post. Iam so grateful for all these words of recovery and hope. It is such an inspiration. I was surprised that Marj mentioned me here in my humble way to recovery. But yes I know e are all pearls. Pearls are made by injured lifes. They are rare, valuable and stunningly beautiful inside out. That is US.

Just Be Real said...

Sorry I was not able to participate this time. Mile you are doing a wonderful amazing job hosting! Blessings to you and all your readers that will be touched by this Carnival!!

Cat said...

What a good idea Mile I have never heard of this until your latest comment about it - I hope to try and participate next time!

Have a great weekend!

Colleen said...

Thank you for hosting this carnival. What a wonderful job you did. Beautiful. And thanks for the kind words you said about me. Blessings!

Patricia Singleton said...

Mile, I add my thanks to everyone else's. What a fantastic job you have done. I look forward to checking out each of the carnival entries this month. Some are new to me. Glad to see new people joining in. Sharing this journey of healing with others sure makes it easier.

Lisa Marie said...

Thank you for hosting this compilation of wonderful submissions. I can see you took a lot of time putting this together and I appreciate you giving me the opportunity to find more people like me to help me on my journey.

This is my first time submitting any of my posts, and I'm glad to say it was a good experience!

Alanis Rae said...

Thank you so much for hosting this carnival... I'm touched by so much here. I was unable to participate this time (writer's block picked just a fantastic time to kick in) but I still just want to thank you for all that you do for us here. You're wonderful with posting healing words... I appreciate it, too. <3

Eli said...

Great post, mile. It looks like you put a ton of time into it! I wasn't in a good place to contribute this time, so I passed on the invitation. I'll especially enjoy getting to check out these blogs. I haven't seen most of them before.

VICKI IN AZ said...

Sweet Mile,
The Carnival is beautifully featured with just so much flair as only you could express!
I miss you and am looking forward to your return home.
I hope you had a marvelous vacation!!


mile191 said...

Thank you everyone. I had a good time putting this together and a very healing opportunity to take in stepping into so many lives. I am happy to have new friends through this. Thanks for being here on my journey of healing. Bless you all, hope in healing....freedom.

I am home and leaving again....looking forward to hearing from you. Be back around the 13th of August.

Happy summer to you all!

VICKI IN AZ said...

I just wanted to give you a quick hello from my word. Hope you are having a wonderful vacation!!

Marj aka Thriver said...

Wasn't sure when you'd be back--I see it's around the 13th. Just stopping by to say hello.

Psych Client said...

thank you mile for hosting this carnaval! I miss you, when are you coming back? Your post said Aug 12th...

Your writings are so deep and inspiring. Love ya!

mile191 said...

Thanks again everyone. Check out Enola's blog for the new August Carnival!!!

who I was, who I am, who I plan to be...

i am trying to heal from severe childhood sexual, emotional,
physical, and mental abuse; and abandonment.

this is my story.

i have good and bad days, and some days the odds seem insurmountable.
i cling to the hope that healing will come to mend the shatter pieces of my heart, mind and body.

mile 191, well, you will understand as you read along.
mile 191, portions of my past have a link on the top right.
mile 191, bottoms up. hears to you and to me.

please, if you know me, just let me know you found me. i need honesty. (and please do not use personal names)
if you want to follow my story, please try to heal with me.
if you want to share with me, please do.
i will post bits of my pain as i can, and leave it here.
i once thought that i would publish...i haven't had the courage.

this is my closet, you are welcome to come in.
just know this is my refuge, healing takes place here,
maybe it will be a refuge to you too.

Quotes from Suvivors United - Standing Strong Together Against Abuse

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.
Eleanor Roosevelt

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
Helen Keller

Success is not to be measured by the position someone has reached in life, but the obstacles he has overcome while trying to succeed.
Booker T. Washington

When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard, ' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'
Sydney Harris

Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.
Richard L. Evans

Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.
Joshua J. Marine

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thanks CORNUT32! ♥

What a sweet award....and thanks for creating something so wonderful that can be passed along to bloggers who are indeed making a difference by sharing their lives.

I invite all my faithful and dear blogger friends to take this award. You indeed have made a difference in my life.

Thank you so much for being with me on my journey to heal....mile 191