come into my closet, come under my bed, where you'll find me hiding,
the fear in my head.

abuse in the past, now, where do i start, making my future,
healing my heart.

crushed, and broken, falling fast-
needing comfort, make it last.

Monday, October 5, 2009

My angry little girl

This forum for healing works so well for me. There is so much that each of you say that contributes to my thoughts during the week (s). Thank you.

I think that Patty hit it right saying maybe it is the angry little girl who didn't get to have a childhood, maybe she is jealous. This I have been thinking a lot about.

hmmm, so yesterday my husband asked me why I am so mean. I have the tendency to snap at everyone and say things that are so WRONG. Or ....I wont say anything at all, I'm just silent, and everyone knows I am hurting.

When he asked me it was good timing because instead of being defensive or angry about it I was able to take a minute and ponder what he said, think of my behavior and actions, and say, "you are right, I am sorry". It felt so good!!! To just realize and accept that I have a problem, a pain inside of me, and I need to work on it.

I told him I need to talk more. I need some of his time, attention to what is going on inside of me. He asked me if there is something really wrong with my thoughts right now that is causing this, and then in his amazing forgiving way he listened without judgement, giving me the attention to my pain, and nurturing me.

If this worked....If this was the solution, I would be healed.

It is helpful, but the healing has to come from within me.

I have read your comments from my last post, I am pondering them, and today....I am writing mainly in respons to my Angry Little Girl. She is really ANGRY, really JEALOUS, really HURT. She is in pain....

I have much to ponder, but this stood out.

I have a daughter, she is 12, nearly 13. She is trying for Student Body Officer and I have given her an entire week of poster making and speech and interview preparation. I have tried to be there for her 100%. I do not think I feel angry or jealous about doing this for her. I love her.... Sometimes I think that I do take out a lot of my pain on her, and it is not fair. [to her, to me, to our mother daughter relationship]

My husband works an incredible amount of hours, I miss him, it is so hard to raise children and to feel lonely doing it. I know his support of our family is critical in this economy, he is under a tremendous stress, and he wishes he could be there more with us as well. This bandaid thinking does not heal the frustration that I feel day in and day out at working/ lonliness.

I am saying a lot of things right now, here....random thoughts I suppose, but things that I am feeling.

I had some body memories last night, terrible feelings, awful thoughts. I haven't had that for a while. I think it is a reflection of the stress that I am under mentally.

Well, I will go back and read....and think, and be back soon to reflect what I am hopefully working on and hopefully healing....

Thanks for listening ♥


Cat said...

Every day something comes up that I have to choose how I will handle... for me it really must be a mental choice - because when I am on automatic I am nothing but that child who was treated badly and now wants everything she was unable to have back then...

I dont think we take this sort of pain out on our kids but I think it is more about us not getting what we need... and the process of identifying exactly what that is...

It is different for us I think, this process... somehow it is harder because of all that we lacked while we were learning and growing in our own skins.

ya know?

mile191 said...

Cat, Thanks. I agree here so much. I have watched a clip from a girl who was kidnapped and raped repeatedly for months and some of her healing process I have been so jealous of. I think I keep thinking to myself, WHY CAN"T I HEAL....she is.

Then when I read this I realized that she has loving caring parents who have helped her to be strong. She already had loving caring parents to raise her with a foundation that has helped her to heal.....I never had any of that, I wasn't strong going into the abuse, and coming out of it is hard and long.

I think identifying what we need is key. I have everything a person could want, a normal person....but I haven't figured out what I need....I haven't yet been consistent with what I need, I don't even know what that is.

I might post the interview from the girl.....and some thoughts. Another day. Thanks again for your kind words, and your understanding.

Shadow said...

an ear that will listen so you can talk... yes, we do need that, don't we...

who I was, who I am, who I plan to be...

i am trying to heal from severe childhood sexual, emotional,
physical, and mental abuse; and abandonment.

this is my story.

i have good and bad days, and some days the odds seem insurmountable.
i cling to the hope that healing will come to mend the shatter pieces of my heart, mind and body.

mile 191, well, you will understand as you read along.
mile 191, portions of my past have a link on the top right.
mile 191, bottoms up. hears to you and to me.

please, if you know me, just let me know you found me. i need honesty. (and please do not use personal names)
if you want to follow my story, please try to heal with me.
if you want to share with me, please do.
i will post bits of my pain as i can, and leave it here.
i once thought that i would publish...i haven't had the courage.

this is my closet, you are welcome to come in.
just know this is my refuge, healing takes place here,
maybe it will be a refuge to you too.

Quotes from Suvivors United - Standing Strong Together Against Abuse

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.
Eleanor Roosevelt

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
Helen Keller

Success is not to be measured by the position someone has reached in life, but the obstacles he has overcome while trying to succeed.
Booker T. Washington

When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard, ' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'
Sydney Harris

Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.
Richard L. Evans

Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.
Joshua J. Marine

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thanks CORNUT32! ♥

What a sweet award....and thanks for creating something so wonderful that can be passed along to bloggers who are indeed making a difference by sharing their lives.

I invite all my faithful and dear blogger friends to take this award. You indeed have made a difference in my life.

Thank you so much for being with me on my journey to heal....mile 191