Trigger Warnings

Many times as I blog browse I find Trigger Warning kindly attached to some posts. I know that if I am not strong that moment that I should not even attempt to read. Sometimes when I have read I have been triggered in ways that take days to overcome, so I have learned to pick and choose and remember that your writing is for your healing, as is mine. And together we are certainly doing one another great things in way of support and not feeling alone in the world as a Survivor.


This week I have been quite melancholy and have found myself in much pondering. My love letter was part of that, knowing the anniversary, the first anniversary, of losing my Grandmother is upon us....

Well, I have been quiet in heart, and my thoughts have been flooded. I have been good to try to rest, yet life is pulling me in so many directions.


Here I found myself scanning the television for something to take my mind off what I am feeling and came across two shows. With over one hundred channels why, WHY WHY did I have to come across these.


First, Burt Reynolds and Dolly Pardon in The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas. I know that I have written about this before, and I refuse to go back and see what I wrote. For that matter I have never gone back and read any posts, save the one about my friend Bunny.

At first I was entranced, thinking "oh, I haven't seen this since I was a kid". There was no TRIGGER WARNING so I watched a few minutes.

It was then that I noticed that I was sweating and shaking. I was at best feeling like I was going to have an anxiety attack. It was BRUTAL.


I couldn't even touch the remote. I felt like I was bound and gagged by my past. I began to realize just how warped my childhood was. Okay, here I say began.....as if I myself feel I had a normal childhood.

I could not believe in a thousand moments of time that I was allowed to watch such crap. And if that wasn't enough....I WAS TRIGGERED....


I remembered, my daddy daughter date...AGAIN.
The one HE took me to.

I remembered going into the church, dressed as Dolly Pardon, he was dressed as Burt Reynolds. The theme of the evening was to come as a famous couple. He thought it would be fun to come as them portraying the Best Little Whorehouse in Texas....

Are you FUCKING kidding me????? This was a church activity. A PRE-Young Womens activity. I was probably ELEVEN years old.
And he was portraying that I was his WHORE. In public.

To think of that, to think of the fact that my leaders didn't DO anything, didn't SAY anything. They let this small child be accompanied by a MONSTER who would dress her as his WHORE.

I can't even write about what happened on the way home. I am pretty sure it is already here in my book posts, and I am too weak, to weary to share right now. It is sick and twisted, and scarring and I feel trapped in the emotional, mental and physical death of my soul being TRIGGERED in this way.

I feel dead. I feel disgusting. I feel like a whore.

Finally I was able to turn off the movie.
I switched the channel.
The movie "The Notebook" was on.
I thought that would be better,
maybe take me out of the panic
I was feeling.

But the tears came,
as I thought of my Grandmother.
My dear Grandmother
who had Alzheimer.

And my dear Grandfather
who loved her
who took care of her.

With my heart aching
I shut off the television
And cried myself to sleep.