come into my closet, come under my bed, where you'll find me hiding,
the fear in my head.

abuse in the past, now, where do i start, making my future,
healing my heart.

crushed, and broken, falling fast-
needing comfort, make it last.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Trigger Warnings

Many times as I blog browse I find Trigger Warning kindly attached to some posts. I know that if I am not strong that moment that I should not even attempt to read. Sometimes when I have read I have been triggered in ways that take days to overcome, so I have learned to pick and choose and remember that your writing is for your healing, as is mine. And together we are certainly doing one another great things in way of support and not feeling alone in the world as a Survivor.

This week I have been quite melancholy and have found myself in much pondering. My love letter was part of that, knowing the anniversary, the first anniversary, of losing my Grandmother is upon us....

Well, I have been quiet in heart, and my thoughts have been flooded. I have been good to try to rest, yet life is pulling me in so many directions.

Here I found myself scanning the television for something to take my mind off what I am feeling and came across two shows. With over one hundred channels why, WHY WHY did I have to come across these.

First, Burt Reynolds and Dolly Pardon in The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas. I know that I have written about this before, and I refuse to go back and see what I wrote. For that matter I have never gone back and read any posts, save the one about my friend Bunny.

At first I was entranced, thinking "oh, I haven't seen this since I was a kid". There was no TRIGGER WARNING so I watched a few minutes.

It was then that I noticed that I was sweating and shaking. I was at best feeling like I was going to have an anxiety attack. It was BRUTAL.

I couldn't even touch the remote. I felt like I was bound and gagged by my past. I began to realize just how warped my childhood was. Okay, here I say if I myself feel I had a normal childhood.

I could not believe in a thousand moments of time that I was allowed to watch such crap. And if that wasn't enough....I WAS TRIGGERED....

I remembered, my daddy daughter date...AGAIN.
The one HE took me to.

I remembered going into the church, dressed as Dolly Pardon, he was dressed as Burt Reynolds. The theme of the evening was to come as a famous couple. He thought it would be fun to come as them portraying the Best Little Whorehouse in Texas....

Are you FUCKING kidding me????? This was a church activity. A PRE-Young Womens activity. I was probably ELEVEN years old.
And he was portraying that I was his WHORE. In public.

To think of that, to think of the fact that my leaders didn't DO anything, didn't SAY anything. They let this small child be accompanied by a MONSTER who would dress her as his WHORE.

I can't even write about what happened on the way home. I am pretty sure it is already here in my book posts, and I am too weak, to weary to share right now. It is sick and twisted, and scarring and I feel trapped in the emotional, mental and physical death of my soul being TRIGGERED in this way.

I feel dead. I feel disgusting. I feel like a whore.

Finally I was able to turn off the movie.
I switched the channel.
The movie "The Notebook" was on.
I thought that would be better,
maybe take me out of the panic
I was feeling.

But the tears came,
as I thought of my Grandmother.
My dear Grandmother
who had Alzheimer.

And my dear Grandfather
who loved her
who took care of her.

With my heart aching
I shut off the television
And cried myself to sleep.


SapphireDreams said...

I am so sorry mile! My heart goes out to you. Hope you feel better soon.
((((MILE 191))))

Kellee said...

I just put 3 hugs and 2 cheek kisses in the mail..I filled the envlope with happy dust..Hopefully it will make it soon =)

Saving Grace said...

Sometimes it's hard to live in this world when we don't know what's waiting around the corner and what might send us into a horrible moment of the past...
((safe hugs))

sarah said...

I hurt for you. Reading this post - I really hurt for you. And I pain, my journey -
Gentle hugs. Never give up, ok. Someone once told me, the best and sweetest revenge is to live a great life. Sarah

VICKI IN AZ said...

Hugs and Hugs and Hugs and me sitting and holding your hand while you cry and handing you Kleenex and spending hours talking about grandma's who love us(if that is good for you..)
I love you Mile.
♥ Vicki

Jess Mistress of Mischief said...

prayers...just prayers! no words

Susan said...

I just came across your blog... and my heart goes out to you. I'm a fellow survivor. Be gentle with yourself. You aren't disgusting. You are more beautiful than you can imagine yet.

Just Be Real said...

My dear one, I am so very sorry for the triggers and the pain that those memories have caused! Much hugs to you dear.....

April_optimist said...

Big, big (((hugs))). You would think it would have been a big red flag to the adults at the church that something was very wrong in your home. You'd think it would have been enough to get them to do something. A different time, I know, but still! (((((hugs)))))

kberman said...

I believe that most of our "accidents" are opportunities to heal and grow. Look at the progress you've made:(1) you know that your father was a monster, (2) you realize we as adults must speak up about inappropriate behavior, (3) you changed the station,and (4) you allowed yourself to feel your feelings. Great growth! Love, Kathy

DreamDancer said...

((((((( Hugs ))))))) to you, precious one. I think of you often and hope that one day you can smile in your tears.

Alanis Rae said...

You are never, ever alone in those feelings.
Safe hugs.
Alanis Rae. <3

Mike Golch said...

there are some movies that I do not care to watch as well.pain is a bad thing to deal with.Love is a great thing,my great grandfather told my mother a lot of times.she would talk about him sometimes.He made her feel safe.My grandmother could be hell on wheels,and was to my mother.My Grand mother could be a great person as well,on a good day she would cook up a storm of great food.On a bad day no one wanted to be around her.I suspect that she was mentally ill but never dianosed.

who I was, who I am, who I plan to be...

i am trying to heal from severe childhood sexual, emotional,
physical, and mental abuse; and abandonment.

this is my story.

i have good and bad days, and some days the odds seem insurmountable.
i cling to the hope that healing will come to mend the shatter pieces of my heart, mind and body.

mile 191, well, you will understand as you read along.
mile 191, portions of my past have a link on the top right.
mile 191, bottoms up. hears to you and to me.

please, if you know me, just let me know you found me. i need honesty. (and please do not use personal names)
if you want to follow my story, please try to heal with me.
if you want to share with me, please do.
i will post bits of my pain as i can, and leave it here.
i once thought that i would publish...i haven't had the courage.

this is my closet, you are welcome to come in.
just know this is my refuge, healing takes place here,
maybe it will be a refuge to you too.

Quotes from Suvivors United - Standing Strong Together Against Abuse

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.
Eleanor Roosevelt

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
Helen Keller

Success is not to be measured by the position someone has reached in life, but the obstacles he has overcome while trying to succeed.
Booker T. Washington

When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard, ' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'
Sydney Harris

Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.
Richard L. Evans

Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.
Joshua J. Marine

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thanks CORNUT32! ♥

What a sweet award....and thanks for creating something so wonderful that can be passed along to bloggers who are indeed making a difference by sharing their lives.

I invite all my faithful and dear blogger friends to take this award. You indeed have made a difference in my life.

Thank you so much for being with me on my journey to heal....mile 191