come into my closet, come under my bed, where you'll find me hiding,
the fear in my head.

abuse in the past, now, where do i start, making my future,
healing my heart.

crushed, and broken, falling fast-
needing comfort, make it last.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Dear Grandma,

Love Letters is a feature of LarryG. After reading last weeks post I decided to take the challenge in healing by writing a Love Letter to my Grandmother who passed away last year on the 26th of October. This weekend will mark the anniversary of the last moments that I had with her, she passed away last year early Sunday Morning of the 26th, which will be Monday of this coming week. I pray for peace as I write this to her.

Dearest Grandmother,

I miss you. I miss your crooked smile, your endearing eyes,
your enduring hugs, your love for me and your listening ear.

I realize as I miss you that I can look at a picture and see your smile, I can try to gaze into your eyes and imagine you are looking only back at me, I can read your history and wrap a blanket around myself pretending that I am in the warmth of your arms, and I can close my eyes and still feel the love you have for me. Sometimes while my eyes are closed I pretend that I am talking to you, telling you all about life, the things I would tell you if you were here. And then I wait, and in the silence I know that you are not here, and I miss you.

I miss you so much that my heart feels broken in half. I wish that I could give part of it to you so that I could feel healing in your presence. I know that I will have to wait, and as I ponder what it is that I will do while I am still here I think of all the things that I will miss telling you, miss sharing with you.

You told me once of a dream that you had. A dream that you realized was about me the day I was born. Grandma, I dream about you now, and I wonder when my dreams will come true. I want to see you again, to see you whole, and healthy, taking a walk in all the places you loved being while you were here.

I think about all that you are doing there. I think about the amazing people you are with, and how you are helping them to feel special, the way you made me feel. I don't want to take you from your work, or from them. I try to be strong but I find myself crying and pleading for just one more day, one more moment. One more chance to hold your hand, to tell you I love you. To tell you thank you for being there for me. To tell you that you are my everything. I didn't have enough time, never enough time, and I didn't have the words to say good bye. I didn't want to see you hurting anymore. I didn't want you to suffer, but I wanted to keep you with me.

I suppose that all these things should make me try harder. To have hope and to seek to do all the righteous things that will bring me to you again someday. I wish I had the strength in my life to fulfill that desire. I feel so weak. I feel so broken. You understood me, you listened to me, and you always cared about how I was really doing, not just the surface stuff, but the real insides of my soul.

Grandma, I miss you. I wonder if you are watching me sometimes, and if you are disappointed in what you see. If you still love me, really knowing me for who I am. The who that I hide from everyone else. The me that is really me. Do you still love me?

I picked an apple from your tree last time I was there. I wanted to bring it too you, to bottle it or dry it, or slice it and have a snack with you, a snack harvested from the grace of God. I wonder what will come in my life, what the seasons will bring, what I will harvest, and who I will share it with. I wonder if I am doing all that I can, and should be doing, to nourish my family, their souls, and will my family reap a good harvest someday.

I think of all you taught me, your hard work and diligence. The faith and testimony that you had and so lived your life to emulate. I think of the lessons I learned from you going to primary with you, and then when you made me go to Relief Society. I so didn't want to go without you. I didn't want to grow up. I wanted to stay with you, but you knew better. You knew that I needed to be moving on, growing, and that growth would be painful, but would bring me the most joy. I learned then that I would be okay, without you.
I wish I believed that now.

Thank you for all the memories. There is not a holiday that I don't think of something that I want to incorporate because of you. This year has been hard for me. I don't think I am finished grieving but I am hopeful that it is time to move on, to accept the pain as growth, and to be okay. I miss you, I always will, but I thank you that I can look in the mirror and see all that is good of you looking back at me. Thank you for giving me that.

I love you.

your granddaughter


Shadow said...

oh baby, your heart is in this letter....

DreamDancer said...

Beautiful letter... open and honest. I see your grandmother as a very special person... one whom inspired you, among the dark days in your life. Keep clinging to those precious memories, that give you hope and comfort. Blessings, Mile.

Jess Mistress of Mischief said...

God be with you today and always!

Just Be Real said...

JIP this is so touching! Blessings sweet one....

Zan said...

This letter is so heartfelt, it made me cry. Beautiful.

Cat said...

I can feel this letter - and I am betting that your grandma can as well.

You were blessed to have her as wonderful as she was. I know because I was blessed with a great one too!

VICKI IN AZ said...

Mile, it is an honor to read this precious letter. My grandmother was my one and only safe place. I am moved to have grandmothers in common. I hope they have met.
I love you my precious friend.

Rainbow Butterfly said...

This is such a beautiful letter. Thank you for sharing it.

who I was, who I am, who I plan to be...

i am trying to heal from severe childhood sexual, emotional,
physical, and mental abuse; and abandonment.

this is my story.

i have good and bad days, and some days the odds seem insurmountable.
i cling to the hope that healing will come to mend the shatter pieces of my heart, mind and body.

mile 191, well, you will understand as you read along.
mile 191, portions of my past have a link on the top right.
mile 191, bottoms up. hears to you and to me.

please, if you know me, just let me know you found me. i need honesty. (and please do not use personal names)
if you want to follow my story, please try to heal with me.
if you want to share with me, please do.
i will post bits of my pain as i can, and leave it here.
i once thought that i would publish...i haven't had the courage.

this is my closet, you are welcome to come in.
just know this is my refuge, healing takes place here,
maybe it will be a refuge to you too.

Quotes from Suvivors United - Standing Strong Together Against Abuse

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.
Eleanor Roosevelt

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
Helen Keller

Success is not to be measured by the position someone has reached in life, but the obstacles he has overcome while trying to succeed.
Booker T. Washington

When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard, ' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'
Sydney Harris

Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.
Richard L. Evans

Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.
Joshua J. Marine

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thanks CORNUT32! ♥

What a sweet award....and thanks for creating something so wonderful that can be passed along to bloggers who are indeed making a difference by sharing their lives.

I invite all my faithful and dear blogger friends to take this award. You indeed have made a difference in my life.

Thank you so much for being with me on my journey to heal....mile 191