Love Letters is a feature of LarryG. After reading last weeks post I decided to take the challenge in healing by writing a Love Letter to my Grandmother who passed away last year on the 26th of October. This weekend will mark the anniversary of the last moments that I had with her, she passed away last year early Sunday Morning of the 26th, which will be Monday of this coming week. I pray for peace as I write this to her.
I miss you. I miss your crooked smile, your endearing eyes,
your enduring hugs, your love for me and your listening ear.
I realize as I miss you that I can look at a picture and see your smile, I can try to gaze into your eyes and imagine you are looking only back at me, I can read your history and wrap a blanket around myself pretending that I am in the warmth of your arms, and I can close my eyes and still feel the love you have for me. Sometimes while my eyes are closed I pretend that I am talking to you, telling you all about life, the things I would tell you if you were here. And then I wait, and in the silence I know that you are not here, and I miss you.
I miss you so much that my heart feels broken in half. I wish that I could give part of it to you so that I could feel healing in your presence. I know that I will have to wait, and as I ponder what it is that I will do while I am still here I think of all the things that I will miss telling you, miss sharing with you.
You told me once of a dream that you had. A dream that you realized was about me the day I was born. Grandma, I dream about you now, and I wonder when my dreams will come true. I want to see you again, to see you whole, and healthy, taking a walk in all the places you loved being while you were here.
I think about all that you are doing there. I think about the amazing people you are with, and how you are helping them to feel special, the way you made me feel. I don't want to take you from your work, or from them. I try to be strong but I find myself crying and pleading for just one more day, one more moment. One more chance to hold your hand, to tell you I love you. To tell you thank you for being there for me. To tell you that you are my everything. I didn't have enough time, never enough time, and I didn't have the words to say good bye. I didn't want to see you hurting anymore. I didn't want you to suffer, but I wanted to keep you with me.
I suppose that all these things should make me try harder. To have hope and to seek to do all the righteous things that will bring me to you again someday. I wish I had the strength in my life to fulfill that desire. I feel so weak. I feel so broken. You understood me, you listened to me, and you always cared about how I was really doing, not just the surface stuff, but the real insides of my soul.
Grandma, I miss you. I wonder if you are watching me sometimes, and if you are disappointed in what you see. If you still love me, really knowing me for who I am. The who that I hide from everyone else. The me that is really me. Do you still love me?
I picked an apple from your tree last time I was there. I wanted to bring it too you, to bottle it or dry it, or slice it and have a snack with you, a snack harvested from the grace of God. I wonder what will come in my life, what the seasons will bring, what I will harvest, and who I will share it with. I wonder if I am doing all that I can, and should be doing, to nourish my family, their souls, and will my family reap a good harvest someday.
I think of all you taught me, your hard work and diligence. The faith and testimony that you had and so lived your life to emulate. I think of the lessons I learned from you going to primary with you, and then when you made me go to Relief Society. I so didn't want to go without you. I didn't want to grow up. I wanted to stay with you, but you knew better. You knew that I needed to be moving on, growing, and that growth would be painful, but would bring me the most joy. I learned then that I would be okay, without you.
I wish I believed that now.
Thank you for all the memories. There is not a holiday that I don't think of something that I want to incorporate because of you. This year has been hard for me. I don't think I am finished grieving but I am hopeful that it is time to move on, to accept the pain as growth, and to be okay. I miss you, I always will, but I thank you that I can look in the mirror and see all that is good of you looking back at me. Thank you for giving me that.
I love you.