come into my closet, come under my bed, where you'll find me hiding,
the fear in my head.

abuse in the past, now, where do i start, making my future,
healing my heart.

crushed, and broken, falling fast-
needing comfort, make it last.

Friday, March 26, 2010

aLONe agAiN...and PLeAsE dO nOT eXCusE

Today feels like this...for me:






In a little while from now

If I'm not feeling any less sour

I promise myself to treat myself

And visit a nearby tower

And climbing to the top will throw myself off

In an effort to make it clear to

who
ever



what it's like when you're shattered




Left standing in the lurch at a church

Where people saying:

"My God, that's tough


She's stood him up"



No point in us remaining



We may as well go home

As I did on my own

Alone again, naturally


To think that only yesterday

I was cheerful, bright and gay



Looking forward to well

wouldn't do


The role I was about to play

But as if to knock me down

Reality came around

And without so much, as a mere touch

Cut me into little pieces

Leaving me to doubt


Talk about God and His mercy


Or if He really does exist


WHY did He desert me
in my hour of need...





I truly am indeed Alone again, naturally


It seems to me that there are more hearts

broken in the world
that can't be mended


Left unattended

What do we do? What do we do?



Alone again, naturally

Now looking back over the years

And whatever else that appears



I remember I cried when my father died

Never wishing to hide the tears


And at sixty-five years old

My mother,
God rest her soul,


Couldn't understand why the only man


She had ever loved had been taken



Leaving her to start with a heart so badly broken


Despite encouragement from me

No words were ever spoken


And when she passed away

I cried and cried all day

Alone again, naturally

Alone again, naturally





i suppose that takes some explaining...and all i can say is this:

i was up early...my friday, our friday, at the end of a long week and the crest of another LONG week to come. with seconds to spare, and here i am...in my closet.

i did my chores, and the chores that were left behind by the kids this morning....and wrestling them all into their morning routines,

into the car and ...off to school...

not without tears...

oh, i have had many many tears this morning...



In a little while from now

If I'm not feeling any less sour



i have cried this morning too many times to count...

i cried when i saw the dishes in the sink,
i cried when i saw the dust on my piano,
i cried when my son was still in his pajama
doing homework 5 minutes
after we needed to leave,

i cried when my daughter made me toast,
while i was vacuuming...

why does she had to do that?

i know she is trying to be good to me,
but that reminds me of another song...
a song that reminds me of fixing my moms tears...

.
I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal

This pain is just too real

There's just too much that
time cannot erase


[Chorus:]
When you cried
I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream
I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand
through all of these years
But you still have
All of me
.


i cried when my Mr. B told me he was taking the day off
to help me....with my busy day...

why do i have to be so broken...somedays.


To think that only yesterday

I was cheerful, bright and gay...


i was...yesterday i was happy, and pleasant,
and i didn't say the cutting mean things i said today...

i didn't make my kids feel like THEY had broken me,
yesterday...


but today...i don't know what i said,
i don't remember the words,
but i will never forget the look on their faces,
the hurt in their eyes...their slumped shoulders
as they walked through the doors to school.

...oh, how my words cut and broke them...

i didn't break the cycle of abuse today,
i broke their poor tender once innocent hearts.


But as if to knock me down
Reality came around
And without so much, as a mere touch
Cut me into little pieces
Leaving me to doubt
Talk about God and His mercy
Or if He really does exist
Why did He desert me in my hour of need


with days like today...what will my daughter say about me:

Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

[Chorus]

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along



we get to school, me with them,

my kids are kissing me goodbye,
'mom, i love you...i'm sorry...
don't be mad at me'


why do they have to apologize?



it is not their fault i am broken,

but they think it is...


its not their fault i broke today,

but i made them think it was.



my youngest went to get out of the car.
i took a good look,
and there in the wonder of his eyes
he pleaded,
'mommy, don't be sad'

i didn't even answer,
my cold shield held back the
offer to be loved,
and to love.

instead,
i noticed he had no coat,

and it is snowing,


its is as cold outside
as i am inside

no coat,
no undershirt,

and now i have to run him home,
and back to school... and he is late.

and i don't have
TIME or PATIENCE or ENERGY
today for this mistake



please do not excuse little j,
for being late to school.
he left without a coat,
and he is old enough to know
what he is responsible for
in getting ready for school.

i have taught him well,
he has no rhyme,
no reason,
no EXCUSE.


my breaking today...is no eXCusE.


.And climbing to the top will throw myself off.



.It seems to me that there are more hearts

broken in the world that can't be mended

Left unattended

What do we do? What do we do?


Alone again, naturally.


In an effort to make it clear to whoever


what it's like when you're shattered.


oh, i really don't know.
what comes tomorrow,
of my mistakes today.

how long until
they wont
ask me anymore
or tell me
or forgive me....


and i don't blame them, PleAsE dO nOT eXCusE.

4 comments:

Steve E said...

My Sweet Mile 191--I hope you are receiving the help you need, or that you realize you DO need help. For many, "alone" is not a way to live--I know that:

"Alone and lonely
I spoke to NO one
And the world
Seemed a strange place..." 1958 Steve

Also I have found that God has never left me--EVER! It was I who left God, walked away, ran away. Afraid God cold not or would not forgive me--always felt SO guilty,
SO responsible for that which was NOT my responsibility.

It was a coping mechanism for my exceedingly low self esteem. I thought I was NOTHING...NOBODY! This is called despair, hopeless.

But now, today is different. We each must find our own way. There is a way for you too, just you must seek it. Keep seeking It (God) and you will find It! He resides in PEOPLE, not in a cathedral on top of a mountain. WITH the Peeps, and He speaks through them. THAT'S what I had to learn! And you, Dear, can learn that also.

Quiet now, be at peace for a moment, be still, and know that YOU/I are not in charge here, we ARE not "God", only God is God. Yes, be still with me here, be still, cry if you must, but better to not, at this moment.

You are loved by many, YOU ARE LOVED, do you hear? Do you know? Do you believe that?

PEACE!

PS...Hey, Mile some day write us a little blog when you are having a GOOD day--it is just as necessary to write that out as to promulgate your BAD days! Please Consider???

Prayer Girl said...

I pray that the fact that you were able to write how you were feeling, knowing others would read and reach their spirits out to you, that it lessened the pain and agony you were feeling.

I do pray that tomorrow will be better.

I pray.

PG

Lily said...

Such an honest post. Sometimes it is scary how much our days can be so unbelievably different with no apparent trigger or reason why. It takes away our ability to feel in control. Our hope that things are changing. And when that hope disappears it doesn't take long to lash out, to take prisoners, in order to protect yourself. It's what you did to survive. No one blames you... except you.

It is so hard to not take on the guilt that comes with doing what you must to survive. You cannot be perfect to everyone all the time. I promise they do not expect you to be that person.

((hugs)) Praying for a happy day to follow.

VICKI IN AZ said...

Mile,
I know these days. I don't know why I can't share the words the way you do? I know that your words are sinking so deeply inside me and reminding me that I am not so alone as I feel when I have these days. I thank God for you Mile, for finding you. I am glad to have read this backward and know that your sweetheart came home. He lifted you, he was the Lord's hands here on this earth. You showed in the next post that you were able to rise above this and recognize just how special you are, how much you mean and YES THAT YOU DID INDEED BREAK THE CYCLE THIS DAY, THIS VERY VERY DAY! Do you see it? I hope you do. Recognize it my friend. YOU are doing what you were sent here to do. All my ♥, Vicki

who I was, who I am, who I plan to be...

i am trying to heal from severe childhood sexual, emotional,
physical, and mental abuse; and abandonment.


this is my story.

i have good and bad days, and some days the odds seem insurmountable.
i cling to the hope that healing will come to mend the shatter pieces of my heart, mind and body.


mile 191, well, you will understand as you read along.
mile 191, portions of my past have a link on the top right.
mile 191, bottoms up. hears to you and to me.


please, if you know me, just let me know you found me. i need honesty. (and please do not use personal names)
if you want to follow my story, please try to heal with me.
if you want to share with me, please do.
i will post bits of my pain as i can, and leave it here.
i once thought that i would publish...i haven't had the courage.


this is my closet, you are welcome to come in.
just know this is my refuge, healing takes place here,
maybe it will be a refuge to you too.


Quotes from Suvivors United - Standing Strong Together Against Abuse

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.
Eleanor Roosevelt

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
Helen Keller

Success is not to be measured by the position someone has reached in life, but the obstacles he has overcome while trying to succeed.
Booker T. Washington

When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard, ' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'
Sydney Harris

Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.
Richard L. Evans

Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.
Joshua J. Marine


What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thanks CORNUT32! ♥



What a sweet award....and thanks for creating something so wonderful that can be passed along to bloggers who are indeed making a difference by sharing their lives.

I invite all my faithful and dear blogger friends to take this award. You indeed have made a difference in my life.

Thank you so much for being with me on my journey to heal....mile 191