deep insecurity

i have a side effect i am certain troubles me greatly because of the past, and yet I recognize that it is something that plagues women...people, all mankind, in general.

the trouble of being deeply insecure, and easily offended. both of these traits are not ones i am proud to carry. i easily express to others that taking offense is an option. you don't have to be effected so greatly by others words, opinions, actions....and then as if to mock me i find myself hearing something said and being so wounded, again.

insecurity is such a painful mask to wear. one that hides a persons truth, a persons value, in the treacherous comparison of what others can do, what others are doing, and what others might be expecting of you, of me.


i hurt.

i ache.

i tremble.

i ponder and plead to know that i have value, worth.

i hear the words of the song by Orianthi:

According To You

I'm stupid
I'm useless
I can't do anything right

According to you
I'm difficult
Hard to please
Forever changing my mind
I'm a mess in a dress
Can't show up on time
Even if it would save my life
According to you
According to you


except that it is according to me....

it is me that beats me down these days. it can spark by something simple, a word, a reaction, a pouty teenager....and i am my worst enemy.

according to me...i am inconsistent, i am useless, worthless, incapable, constantly screwing something up.... seems i have heard those things before... from him.

my abuser...why can't i get him out of my head...when there is so much good and new in my life, in my heart....

WHY do i continue to make room for him?

why can i NOT be secure, and content, and constant.....and patient.

where is my solace. my peace.

he no longer has me and yet he controls so much because i let him....he had my childhood, i don't want to give any more of my life to him, and yet...in one thought, one statement i find myself spinning myself into a new nightmare, one that tells me that what i am doing today is not good enough, is not worthwhile, and doesn't amount to anything.

i want so much to overcome this.

to be strong enough.... to not let one more day be taken by his malicious venom.

please... let go of me,
and let me live,
in light,
in peace,
in hope,
in joy.


this moment in time is mine. i keep telling myself that.

and when things come up, when i see my follies, my mistakes...they are just that, a simple setback and yet a growing opportunity...and i can move forward.

why don't i believe that in the aching parts of my soul.
why do i feel so hopeless, and so dejected.

in general we are our best critics. even when no one else sees our faults we project our faults as if they were world renown. we don't remember the infinite value, the incredible beings we are, and the worth of our individuality. we see the scum, the rot that their abuse left deep in our core.... and that is something that i pray doesn't take my whole lifetime to overcome.



i want to be able to say this:

I am a daughter of God, who loves me...and I love him...

I have infinite value and worth in me.

I am me and that is enough....

oh, someday let me believe.