same shit, different kid

i really do NOT like being a pessimist

i am struggling so much
right now with my ups and downs

it seems the harder I fight
the harder the fight is

i suspect that the good is good
and the bad is bad
is the way it is
everywhere
for you
for me
for everyone



QUESTION TODAY:

do all sex offenders
go to the same school?

are they taught things
stuff to do to mess
with kids heads
and hearts
and bodies

stuff so that therapists
have a rule of thumb
a right reaction
a word or solution

why is it that they do
the same shit
different kid


yeah, i am struggling

my daughter, bless her 13 year old heart, came to me a few days ago and asked me if it is "really true that someone can stick their fingers in you to check and see if you are a virgin".


i FREAKED...inside.

inside i say because

happily
for the first time EVER
i was able to maintain
some composure
about myself
and not allow my problems
my childhood
my upbringing
to contaminate hers




i asked her 'why' she was asking me.

[a good mom question, i thought]

she told me she is
reading the book
'the lovely bones'

which she got from school, and of which book she saw the movie with a friend. ...a movie i will probably never be able to sit through. a movie that i will never ever want to have to hear about again....a move about a murder of a girl, which movie does not go in to the depth of the abuse that you get from reading the book, a book of which i will also never read....or wouldn't have....but must now, for her



today i have a daughter
stained by the work of the world
stained by the thoughts of abuse
in her head
the thoughts and feelings
that i have
not given to her from my childhood

thoughts suggested in a teens book

sick and twisted
and wrong


and truth...don't forget TRUTH...



what happened to Cinderella, and Ever After....
to Princess and the Pea... and If you give a mouse a cookie...

i answered her query

the best that i could
how do you tell an somewhat innocent
girl that the man who did that
in the story of her book
was disgusting
and twisted
and defiled that little girl



murdering her was his best work

how do you tell her
when your heart is bleeding
your mind is racing
and you feel like your being suffocated
by her innocent, and yet not, question

suffocated by your past
your memories
and you are beginning to panic

again

here is where i am
i answered her question
i told her yes, and no...



i didn't tell her
that he did that to me
frequently

i didn't tell her
about the pregnancy
i didn't tell her
about the rape
i didn't tell her
about all the fowl and vile
and intrusive
reckonings
of my childhood


i just told her that yes,
she has a skin
of innocence


every girl does

and it can be broken
a lot of different ways...

i told her lovingly
all that a mother should
in innocence
and in confidence.

i hugged her
so she couldn't see the tear in my eye.


i told her that i was thankful that she came to me
and i hoped she always would.

i asked her
if she had any other questions
i asked her
if she really wanted to read that book
i asked her
to please come to me
and not be afraid
and not be alone
and not worry

i will always be here
i will always protect her
i will always love her
all of her
everything about her

no matter what

when she left me
in my room
i sat frozen
fear took over
and fear has stayed

i have protected her from so much
and yet
abuse
came into her life
in a way i never considered

she is probably fine
and because i was composed
and full of love and tenderness
in handling the circumstance
she will be better for her knowledge
her understanding
of something she doesn't
hopefully
ever have to live WITH
but can be sensitive to

abuse

and now i am in my mode
of healing from this...
healing from the panic
and anxiety
and suffocation

of a simple innocent question
an innocence that was never mine
not since i was nine.

When it's good, then it's good, till it goes bad...