come into my closet, come under my bed, where you'll find me hiding,
the fear in my head.

abuse in the past, now, where do i start, making my future,
healing my heart.

crushed, and broken, falling fast-
needing comfort, make it last.

Monday, March 15, 2010

same shit, different kid

i really do NOT like being a pessimist

i am struggling so much
right now with my ups and downs

it seems the harder I fight
the harder the fight is

i suspect that the good is good
and the bad is bad
is the way it is
for you
for me
for everyone


do all sex offenders
go to the same school?

are they taught things
stuff to do to mess
with kids heads
and hearts
and bodies

stuff so that therapists
have a rule of thumb
a right reaction
a word or solution

why is it that they do
the same shit
different kid

yeah, i am struggling

my daughter, bless her 13 year old heart, came to me a few days ago and asked me if it is "really true that someone can stick their fingers in you to check and see if you are a virgin".

i FREAKED...inside.

inside i say because

for the first time EVER
i was able to maintain
some composure
about myself
and not allow my problems
my childhood
my upbringing
to contaminate hers

i asked her 'why' she was asking me.

[a good mom question, i thought]

she told me she is
reading the book
'the lovely bones'

which she got from school, and of which book she saw the movie with a friend. ...a movie i will probably never be able to sit through. a movie that i will never ever want to have to hear about again....a move about a murder of a girl, which movie does not go in to the depth of the abuse that you get from reading the book, a book of which i will also never read....or wouldn't have....but must now, for her

today i have a daughter
stained by the work of the world
stained by the thoughts of abuse
in her head
the thoughts and feelings
that i have
not given to her from my childhood

thoughts suggested in a teens book

sick and twisted
and wrong

and truth...don't forget TRUTH...

what happened to Cinderella, and Ever After....
to Princess and the Pea... and If you give a mouse a cookie...

i answered her query

the best that i could

how do you tell an somewhat innocent
girl that the man who did that
in the story of her book
was disgusting
and twisted
and defiled that little girl

murdering her was his best work

how do you tell her
when your heart is bleeding
your mind is racing
and you feel like your being suffocated
by her innocent, and yet not, question

suffocated by your past
your memories
and you are beginning to panic


here is where i am
i answered her question
i told her yes, and no...

i didn't tell her
that he did that to me

i didn't tell her
about the pregnancy
i didn't tell her
about the rape
i didn't tell her
about all the fowl and vile
and intrusive
of my childhood

i just told her that yes,
she has a skin
of innocence

every girl does

and it can be broken
a lot of different ways...

i told her lovingly
all that a mother should
in innocence
and in confidence.

i hugged her
so she couldn't see the tear in my eye.

i told her that i was thankful that she came to me
and i hoped she always would.

i asked her
if she had any other questions
i asked her
if she really wanted to read that book
i asked her
to please come to me
and not be afraid
and not be alone
and not worry

i will always be here
i will always protect her
i will always love her
all of her
everything about her

no matter what

when she left me
in my room
i sat frozen
fear took over
and fear has stayed

i have protected her from so much
and yet
came into her life
in a way i never considered

she is probably fine
and because i was composed
and full of love and tenderness
in handling the circumstance
she will be better for her knowledge
her understanding
of something she doesn't
ever have to live WITH
but can be sensitive to


and now i am in my mode
of healing from this...
healing from the panic
and anxiety
and suffocation

of a simple innocent question
an innocence that was never mine
not since i was nine.

When it's good, then it's good, till it goes bad...


Steve E said...

Oh, MILE 191, Yoou are SO right, this IS a place of healing.

After 60-plus years, I discover--UINCOVERED) several years of abuse, by--it doesn't matter who--on my person. I had it buried so deep, it burst forth in my mind during a speaker AA meeting, as the speaker was telling "his" story.

So now I have answers to so many of my problems of the past--it is, as you wrote...HEALING. And it is healing to just BE here on your blog..commenting.

May God keep you safe AND your daughter also...from now on, and relieve you of unnecessary anxieties.

LOVE and PEACE, Dear Mile.

Shadow said...

all i can say, is you're a great mom. it saddens me how the world at large 'taints' our children through the media

Jess Mistress of Mischief said...

God be with you still, and heal you from these secrets kept closely guarded. May his light shine into your closet and rid it of the dark shadows.

Zan said...

Hi Mile
With all the changes in my blog I lost yours, and I was happy to see your comment on my blog today and being able to find my way back here. Thank you! Of course you can use whatever you want of what I said, or re-write it, whatever you felt touched you and you want to use, just go ahead!

P.s, that Pink song, sober, in your previous post.. one of my favourites and a song I relate to so much.


Rhonda said...

You did good Mile! I believe I would have handled it the same. I have seen the movie, The Lovely Bones, and there were a few brief moments I flinched, but nothing that triggered my own horrific memories to the forefront of my memory at that time. I don't understand why they place such violent scenes towards women for us to view. Do they not understand that it's teaching men to treat us that way? That it's causing many of us emotional and even physical pain? And what image does that speak to our daughters? That there is no help in such situations most of the time.

You did a great job explaining things to her and I am sure that it was one of the most difficult conversations that you've had to have with her. Just know that you did good!!!

Hugs my friend!

VICKI IN AZ said...

So tender and loving a mother you are.

I find this an interesting post on the heals of your sort of recent post of a letter to Elizabeth.

My dear friend you helped me work out some very serious struggles that I have wrestled with in that letter. I was able to discuss them energetically with my husband. I think some of our pain and struggle comes from just where we are in our journey. She will have her own. If I may be so bold, reread your letter, reread this post (I know this is against your rules) do it for me. Then ask yourself, will I be there when she is ready to need the kind of wisdom I have to show that the healing is possible more levels of healing than so many can ever imagine. Forgive my boldness dear friend. Don't worry if you disagree with me, I have been wrong before ;)

Remember you are loved.

I am going to find the son of that therapist, he lives here and find out if she is still in practice. I could not find her on the web. Her name is Connie Fairbanks.

mile191 said...

thank you all...i have come back today searching for something, in each of your comments i am finding myself...hoping to replace some of the effects of this venom that is suffocating any light and life out of me.

thank you for sticking with me, even when i am not a good of a blog friend in return these days.

thank you.

and Vicki...i am going to look back, as you suggested, just this once and try what you have said in this comment. thank you for the thought, and hope, and belief in me.

VICKI IN AZ said...

Darlin I am so glad to hear you will look back. It works like this for me, if I am willing to look back I find that the pieces build on each other, line upon line, then things don't always look as broken as I felt they did before... sometimes when I have eyes to see they form a beautiful puzzle where pieces fit together. That is where I find the beauty for the ashes.

You are my dear sweet friend and you have so much to offer. Know that we all recognize that and trust it!! ♥

who I was, who I am, who I plan to be...

i am trying to heal from severe childhood sexual, emotional,
physical, and mental abuse; and abandonment.

this is my story.

i have good and bad days, and some days the odds seem insurmountable.
i cling to the hope that healing will come to mend the shatter pieces of my heart, mind and body.

mile 191, well, you will understand as you read along.
mile 191, portions of my past have a link on the top right.
mile 191, bottoms up. hears to you and to me.

please, if you know me, just let me know you found me. i need honesty. (and please do not use personal names)
if you want to follow my story, please try to heal with me.
if you want to share with me, please do.
i will post bits of my pain as i can, and leave it here.
i once thought that i would publish...i haven't had the courage.

this is my closet, you are welcome to come in.
just know this is my refuge, healing takes place here,
maybe it will be a refuge to you too.

Quotes from Suvivors United - Standing Strong Together Against Abuse

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.
Eleanor Roosevelt

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
Helen Keller

Success is not to be measured by the position someone has reached in life, but the obstacles he has overcome while trying to succeed.
Booker T. Washington

When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard, ' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'
Sydney Harris

Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.
Richard L. Evans

Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.
Joshua J. Marine

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thanks CORNUT32! ♥

What a sweet award....and thanks for creating something so wonderful that can be passed along to bloggers who are indeed making a difference by sharing their lives.

I invite all my faithful and dear blogger friends to take this award. You indeed have made a difference in my life.

Thank you so much for being with me on my journey to heal....mile 191