I'll be dammed

ups and downs: we all have them

had a down last night

this morning i woke up and tried to snuggle into hubby.
he was cautious. i don't blame him.
last night was ...interesting.

all was well. date night. we stayed in. talking and laughing together and then came time for bed.

i guess sometimes memories just strike quick and tempered.

like a fire in dry conditions

memories can destroy what has taken years, decades;
centuries of beauty gone in an instant

what happened?


i suppose that it started with the flashback a couple weeks ago, triggered memories that seem so suffocating,

yet memories which fire blazes destructively wiping out years of healing in an instant

i read something today, something that sparked a thought,

a healing thought.

it was a story that i had read months ago and meant nothing to me then.

i picked it up today and began to read. i almost put it down remembering that i had read it before, but something inclined me to read it again.

i am so glad i did.

the Neeches River in east Texas was one of the most beautiful places of lush dense forest and river. an ecosystem rare and magical, with beauty, animals, peace and tranquility.

there came a time when the plan to dam the river was put into action,

a dam that would destroy the freedom of the river and the animals. a dam that would certainly suffocate the lives of many plants, animals, and people who had found peace there.

a girl and her father decided to do something about it. she prayed: "Lord, this river is a precious part of your creation
and deserves to be saved."

i stopped reading here.

i had an epiphany, a thought so strong in my mind and heart that it could have been said by someone standing directly beside me, holding my hand, cupping my face...

i felt the tears as this thought came to me:

YOU ARE A PRECIOUS PART OF MY CREATION
AND DESERVE TO BE SAVED

tears were stinging my eyes, threatening to loosen the dam that has been holding back the flow of my free emotion.

i began to realize something.

there is a beauty inside of me
that is flooded right now.

i have dammed up so much of my past, my emotion, my mental stability is suffocated by the dam of tears and the dam of holding back and holding in so much of my past.

if only i could release the dam, break it into bits and allow the tears to freely flow from within me...

maybe, just maybe my ecosystem could rebuild itself, maybe there was a chance that the beauty that is within me could flourish and maybe I would find that there are signs of life, of survival within me, life and survival just waiting for me to let down the dam of tears.


i am constantly holding back emotion, holding back information, and flashbacks, and memories.

i don't want to burden my husband with the things that are suffocating me.

i don't want to say out loud the ugly thoughts and feelings that i am having.

so i dam them up inside of me, and walk around tense, all the while doing all that i can to hold up the dam....my dam has leaks,

...it feels like it is bursting and near to explosion,

and what i fear is that if i let it down i wont recover.

i fear that the damage is done and that the signs of life are irreparable, that my ecosystem doesn't stand a chance of recovery, of healing.

so i hold it all in, i hold back, the dam seems permanent to my existence.

i wonder what beauty i would find if i were able to let it loose?