come into my closet, come under my bed, where you'll find me hiding,
the fear in my head.

abuse in the past, now, where do i start, making my future,
healing my heart.

crushed, and broken, falling fast-
needing comfort, make it last.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

I'll be dammed

ups and downs: we all have them

had a down last night

this morning i woke up and tried to snuggle into hubby.
he was cautious. i don't blame him.
last night was ...interesting.

all was well. date night. we stayed in. talking and laughing together and then came time for bed.

i guess sometimes memories just strike quick and tempered.

like a fire in dry conditions

memories can destroy what has taken years, decades;
centuries of beauty gone in an instant

what happened?

i suppose that it started with the flashback a couple weeks ago, triggered memories that seem so suffocating,

yet memories which fire blazes destructively wiping out years of healing in an instant

i read something today, something that sparked a thought,

a healing thought.

it was a story that i had read months ago and meant nothing to me then.

i picked it up today and began to read. i almost put it down remembering that i had read it before, but something inclined me to read it again.

i am so glad i did.

the Neeches River in east Texas was one of the most beautiful places of lush dense forest and river. an ecosystem rare and magical, with beauty, animals, peace and tranquility.

there came a time when the plan to dam the river was put into action,

a dam that would destroy the freedom of the river and the animals. a dam that would certainly suffocate the lives of many plants, animals, and people who had found peace there.

a girl and her father decided to do something about it. she prayed: "Lord, this river is a precious part of your creation
and deserves to be saved."

i stopped reading here.

i had an epiphany, a thought so strong in my mind and heart that it could have been said by someone standing directly beside me, holding my hand, cupping my face...

i felt the tears as this thought came to me:

tears were stinging my eyes, threatening to loosen the dam that has been holding back the flow of my free emotion.

i began to realize something.
there is a beauty inside of me
that is flooded right now.

i have dammed up so much of my past, my emotion, my mental stability is suffocated by the dam of tears and the dam of holding back and holding in so much of my past.

if only i could release the dam, break it into bits and allow the tears to freely flow from within me...

maybe, just maybe my ecosystem could rebuild itself, maybe there was a chance that the beauty that is within me could flourish and maybe I would find that there are signs of life, of survival within me, life and survival just waiting for me to let down the dam of tears.

i am constantly holding back emotion, holding back information, and flashbacks, and memories.

i don't want to burden my husband with the things that are suffocating me.

i don't want to say out loud the ugly thoughts and feelings that i am having.

so i dam them up inside of me, and walk around tense, all the while doing all that i can to hold up the dam has leaks, feels like it is bursting and near to explosion,

and what i fear is that if i let it down i wont recover.

i fear that the damage is done and that the signs of life are irreparable, that my ecosystem doesn't stand a chance of recovery, of healing.

so i hold it all in, i hold back, the dam seems permanent to my existence.

i wonder what beauty i would find if i were able to let it loose?


Hope said...

You are healing.
If you weren't you wouldn't have the courage to write this. It wouldn't even be on your radar screen.
Gentle hugs to you today.

Gabriella Moonlight said...

I'm with Hope on her comment, you are healing, and no ONE is too far gone to heal...we let our egos tell us that, but we are all worthy and courageous enough to heal...Much love to you today Mile!

Marj aka Thriver said...

This is such a poetic post. I love the metaphor--it's perfect. You ARE precious. You ARE worth saving. You ARE worth healing. You deserve to heal and you are CAPABLE of healing just like any other of a myriad of God's creatures.

You are right: feeling the feelings is so key. You are on the right track. Follow your gut and go with that. You can do it!

Camille said...

I really enjoyed this post. I can relate in so many ways. It's good to know that maybe there is a chance for me to rebuild what I have let myself tear down. It is possible to heal. Thanks =] Take care.

Love Always,

sarah said...

You write what I feel. You say what's in my heart... Stay strong. And stay safe. Sarah

DreamDancer said...

Your ecosystem can be repaired, one layer at a time. It's good that you can express the pain through your writings. That is the journey toward healing. Bless you, Mile.

Shadow said...

to find that out you'd have to take a chance. and relase the dam. but i have a suspicion it will only be good... love and hugs hunny!

who I was, who I am, who I plan to be...

i am trying to heal from severe childhood sexual, emotional,
physical, and mental abuse; and abandonment.

this is my story.

i have good and bad days, and some days the odds seem insurmountable.
i cling to the hope that healing will come to mend the shatter pieces of my heart, mind and body.

mile 191, well, you will understand as you read along.
mile 191, portions of my past have a link on the top right.
mile 191, bottoms up. hears to you and to me.

please, if you know me, just let me know you found me. i need honesty. (and please do not use personal names)
if you want to follow my story, please try to heal with me.
if you want to share with me, please do.
i will post bits of my pain as i can, and leave it here.
i once thought that i would publish...i haven't had the courage.

this is my closet, you are welcome to come in.
just know this is my refuge, healing takes place here,
maybe it will be a refuge to you too.

Quotes from Suvivors United - Standing Strong Together Against Abuse

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.
Eleanor Roosevelt

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
Helen Keller

Success is not to be measured by the position someone has reached in life, but the obstacles he has overcome while trying to succeed.
Booker T. Washington

When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard, ' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'
Sydney Harris

Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.
Richard L. Evans

Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.
Joshua J. Marine

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thanks CORNUT32! ♥

What a sweet award....and thanks for creating something so wonderful that can be passed along to bloggers who are indeed making a difference by sharing their lives.

I invite all my faithful and dear blogger friends to take this award. You indeed have made a difference in my life.

Thank you so much for being with me on my journey to heal....mile 191