come into my closet, come under my bed, where you'll find me hiding,
the fear in my head.

abuse in the past, now, where do i start, making my future,
healing my heart.

crushed, and broken, falling fast-
needing comfort, make it last.

Monday, November 2, 2009

What I learned from a RAT!

My daughter is home today from an injury after accidentally stabbing herself with a pencil yesterday which broke off inside her hand. No worries, she is okay, just nursing her wound with a little help from me.

I am home today nursing other wounds.
Wounds that are internal
and which wounds I normally try to hide.

In the course of me nurturing her, she nurtures me today.

I asked her today if I am all the mother that she could want. I wanted an honest answer. I have been picking myself apart my whole life, why not let someone else do it for a change.

She was honest with me, thankfully, and didn't give me the Sunday School answers that I am perfectly perfect in every way and that she could not want for a better mother.

No, she told me the truth, how she really feels, and I am better for it.


She was watching Ratatouille.



Armed with half a Bacon Cheeseburger each and Sweet Potato fries we watched the final moments of the movie, and pondering her sweet answer I listened to the food critics response to the meal he had been served by the RAT:

~ In many ways, the work of a critic is easy.
We risk very little yet enjoy a position over those who offer up their work and their selves to our judgment.


We thrive on negative criticism, which is fun to write and to read.
But the bitter truth we critics must face is that,
in the grand scheme of things,
the average piece of junk is probably more meaningful than our criticism designating it so.


But there are times when a critic truly risks something,
and that is in the discovery and defense of the new.


The world is often unkind to new talents — new creations.

The new needs friends.

Last night,
I experienced something new,
an extraordinary meal from
a singularly unexpected source.


To say that both the meal and its maker have challenged my preconceptions about fine cooking is a gross understatement.

They have rocked me to my core.

In the past, I have made no secret of my disdain for Chef Gusteau's famous motto: Anyone can cook.

But I realize only now do I truly understand what he meant.
Not everyone can become a great artist,
but a great artist can come from anywhere.


It is difficult to imagine more humble origins than those of the genius now cooking at Gusteau's, who is, in this critic's opinion,
nothing less than the finest chef in France.


I will be returning to Gusteau's soon, hungry for more.~



I have
offer up my work and myself to her judgment. I opened myself up in this way because who can be a better critic than one who is at the core of my work.

My darling daughter, a daughter who I hope will grow up to blossom all the love and light and talent that she has been blessed to have.

A daughter who I hope will take all she has seen in me and learned from me and make more.

Who I hope through her life's experiences will come to forgive me for my shortcomings and who will forgive herself when she experiences them too.


Now hearing this next piece made me smile:
the average piece of junk is probably more meaningful than our criticism designating it so... May I be lucky to be such an average piece of junk in someones world, and may I do all that I am meant to in my own.



The exciting part comes next....
a critic truly risks something, and that is in the discovery and defense of the new ahhhh, the discovery....

The world is so unkind, and we can often find the extraordinary in the unexpected.

It is always in the things that I least want to happen that I have the most blessings.

It is never fun to hear that you are not coming across the way that your heart believes you are. That others don't see you the way that you think they will. The mistakes of misunderstanding. We all suffer this. There is no possible way another person can know the true intent of my heart, because what ever they are experiencing, where ever they are coming from they will see me with their own tainted view.

Discovery and defense....Even as I discover myself I find that others are discovering an entirely different person than I believe myself to be. The natural defense is to weep, to mourn or grieve the criticism. But...

To say that both the meal and its maker have challenged my preconceptions about fine cooking is a gross understatement.

...what if, ...what if we really tried to see one another for the person they are within??? what if we offered to see them in their refinement....

What if we challenge our preconceptions.....Our Maker has such a divine and individual plan for every one of us. He makes no mistakes. You, me, everyone you meet.

Hard concept to grasp, but yes, He makes no mistakes.

I think of this and wonder....my judgement of others makes me question this truth, and when I question it I become a harsher judge of myself.

[arggghhhh... the thoughts....I think right now I have a bit too much salt in my meal, and the only solution is to cry it out...]


and then...

I truly understand what he meant. Not everyone can become a great artist, but a great artist can come from anywhere.

It is difficult to imagine more humble origins than those of the genius now cooking at Gusteau's, who is, in this critic's opinion, nothing less than the finest chef in France

We are no less than perfectly refined by our humble origins....we are made into the finest and find that OUR PERSONAL greatness comes from out of the junk.

So, for me today....in my own personal junkyard, I am discovering something wonderful about me. I am letting down my defense, and allowing my imagination to wander. What will I become??? Who knows, but I am sure it will be nothing less than the finest!!!




5 comments:

Prayer Girl said...

Love you mile.

KUTGW!!! :)

PG

Mike Golch said...

we do have to open ourselves up to help us heal.deep down inside I know that you are one fantanstic person waiting to get out from the baggage that has been forced on you.

Shadow said...

now this was very good to read, thank you!

sarah said...

wow. And all this from a rat!!!!! this is beautifully written - and powerful. What you wrote is awesome and you are one great mom. I love that part "A daughter who I hope will take all she has seen in me and learned from me and make more."

Gabriella Moonlight said...

Mile, although I don't always comment I always read...you are amazing and this post is amazing! I have pondered so much the same too recently. Wow, this is just amazing!!! I honor and love you and thank you for sharing your journey!
Gabi

who I was, who I am, who I plan to be...

i am trying to heal from severe childhood sexual, emotional,
physical, and mental abuse; and abandonment.


this is my story.

i have good and bad days, and some days the odds seem insurmountable.
i cling to the hope that healing will come to mend the shatter pieces of my heart, mind and body.


mile 191, well, you will understand as you read along.
mile 191, portions of my past have a link on the top right.
mile 191, bottoms up. hears to you and to me.


please, if you know me, just let me know you found me. i need honesty. (and please do not use personal names)
if you want to follow my story, please try to heal with me.
if you want to share with me, please do.
i will post bits of my pain as i can, and leave it here.
i once thought that i would publish...i haven't had the courage.


this is my closet, you are welcome to come in.
just know this is my refuge, healing takes place here,
maybe it will be a refuge to you too.


Quotes from Suvivors United - Standing Strong Together Against Abuse

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.
Eleanor Roosevelt

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
Helen Keller

Success is not to be measured by the position someone has reached in life, but the obstacles he has overcome while trying to succeed.
Booker T. Washington

When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard, ' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'
Sydney Harris

Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.
Richard L. Evans

Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.
Joshua J. Marine


What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thanks CORNUT32! ♥



What a sweet award....and thanks for creating something so wonderful that can be passed along to bloggers who are indeed making a difference by sharing their lives.

I invite all my faithful and dear blogger friends to take this award. You indeed have made a difference in my life.

Thank you so much for being with me on my journey to heal....mile 191