come into my closet, come under my bed, where you'll find me hiding,
the fear in my head.

abuse in the past, now, where do i start, making my future,
healing my heart.

crushed, and broken, falling fast-
needing comfort, make it last.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

if i were strong enough

if i were strong enough to say it...

i would talk about the pain in my head and heart.

i would have told Mr. B that i was hurting last night because some of the things we were talking about triggered memories that i wanted to NEVER remember and ALWAYS forget,

memories that haunt me often and leave me lonely.

i would tell him the details of the abuse that i have never wanted to talk about. i would tell him hoping that he would be able to filter through them, understand my inner turmoil, and then let it go with the flow of tears that picking the scab of my abusive childhood would bring.

i would scream and cry, and curl up as a little child and be comforted by his tenderness, comforted in a way that i have always wished for, always needed, and never had.

never had but always given.

never had
because i have never allowed anyone
to hold and comfort me.

i would tell him that i am sorry that i push him away, that i am sorry that i push everyone away when they come close to breaking my dam of tears, fears and emotion.

i would tell him how jealous i am that my children have a loving mother and a loving father. i would tell him how much i hate being jealous of them. i would scream that it is not their fault, they don't deserve my frustration and my anger and my sadness in seeing them grow up with security and peace.

i would tell him that i hate not talking about my childhood,
but i hate the thought of talking about it.

i would tell him that i fear that i will end up lonely because i haven't been able to overcome the past and i seem to be pushing everyone close to me away.

i would tell him i notice that people avoid me.

i would tell him that i seen the pain of my childhood reflected in the way that others look at me, the way that others interact with me.

i can see the pain
in my own
children's confusion,
i would tell him.

i would tell him i notice that i am not the strong person that i pretend to be, and that i don't need him to keep pretending for me.

if i were strong enough

1 comment:

SapphireDreams said...

Mile I love your writing. I can relate to you in many ways.
I can refer to my own feelings of wanting someone to hold me. But....I like you never shared that embrace with someone that said it was ok to cry, to let go, and that I didnt have to be strong for a change. Although I dont have children, I can only imagine the SAFE & UNCONDITIONAL LOVE that I would & could share with them. You remember that YOU ARE STRONG! Look how far you've made it!

who I was, who I am, who I plan to be...

i am trying to heal from severe childhood sexual, emotional,
physical, and mental abuse; and abandonment.

this is my story.

i have good and bad days, and some days the odds seem insurmountable.
i cling to the hope that healing will come to mend the shatter pieces of my heart, mind and body.

mile 191, well, you will understand as you read along.
mile 191, portions of my past have a link on the top right.
mile 191, bottoms up. hears to you and to me.

please, if you know me, just let me know you found me. i need honesty. (and please do not use personal names)
if you want to follow my story, please try to heal with me.
if you want to share with me, please do.
i will post bits of my pain as i can, and leave it here.
i once thought that i would publish...i haven't had the courage.

this is my closet, you are welcome to come in.
just know this is my refuge, healing takes place here,
maybe it will be a refuge to you too.

Quotes from Suvivors United - Standing Strong Together Against Abuse

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.
Eleanor Roosevelt

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
Helen Keller

Success is not to be measured by the position someone has reached in life, but the obstacles he has overcome while trying to succeed.
Booker T. Washington

When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard, ' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'
Sydney Harris

Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.
Richard L. Evans

Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.
Joshua J. Marine

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thanks CORNUT32! ♥

What a sweet award....and thanks for creating something so wonderful that can be passed along to bloggers who are indeed making a difference by sharing their lives.

I invite all my faithful and dear blogger friends to take this award. You indeed have made a difference in my life.

Thank you so much for being with me on my journey to heal....mile 191