come into my closet, come under my bed, where you'll find me hiding,
the fear in my head.

abuse in the past, now, where do i start, making my future,
healing my heart.

crushed, and broken, falling fast-
needing comfort, make it last.

Monday, May 11, 2009

it's late...

I have been thinking a lot about the comments and supportive direction that I read. Thank you.

I decided today to spend the day...for me.

It went pretty well. First I browsed blogs and felt that I was influenced and impressed by each of you. I left many comments regarding how your posts touched me and reached my soul.

I appreciated that I
could peek into your lives,

and that your words would
make me a better person today.

I read about gratitude,
about keeping busy,
finding a project to fill the time,
about renewal,
about sacrifice,
I read about suffering,
unwelcome memories,
hope and healing,

about depression,
about wrestling with our thoughts

creating memories,
good memories,

replacing the yucky nightmares
with new memories,

and then again their is pain,
and suffering,
and grief,
and torment..

..each of us is in a different

stage of healing,
but we are here together.

With hope, and faith,
and a willingness to open up
the worst of our worst,
and share with others

I definitely don't know where I am tonight with my faith.


We had Family Home Evening,

a night that we spend together,

we sing,
we read scripture,

we tell stories,

we sometimes go out,

taking a walk,
flying a kite,
visiting elderly people in our neighborhood.

we talk about our freedoms,
the people serving our country,

we talk about politics,
and the economy,

and our goals for our family,

we pray,

and we have a treat...which tonight brought me many smiles...

during our scripture story and lesson,

[we talked about Jonah and the whale,

if you want me to post the story, please leave me a comment,

I would be happy to summarize the story for you.]

my daughter asked:

"Does that mean that God will
even forgive the mean guy
that said he was going to shoot
me in the head?"

Okay...I was stunned.

Here we were talking about how God forgives all of us, even the wicked,
if they are willing to repent of their misgivings.

She was so struck by the thought that this mean guy,
who when she was about 6 or 7, walked past our house,

and told her he was going to shoot her in the head.
could be forgiven....OUCH!

The guy was really mentally disabled,

I doubt he has thought twice about what he
said to this little girl.

But that moment was so scarring to her,
she has never forgot it,
and she often is scared to
be outside alone.

I looked at my daughter
and realized she is a VICTIM.

She is a victim because I have never helped her
to have power over this experience,
to overcome it.

And now she wants to know if God will really forgive

this mean guy. This guy that she has loathed, and feared.

Much like we do with our abusers.
We fear them,

have flashbacks,
fears, horrid fear.

I didn't know if I could really address this.

If I tell her yes, he will be forgiven, I have to accept
that my abuser will be forgiven.

that what he did to me will be forgiven and he will
be equal to me in God's eyes, as worthy of his love
and his forgiveness, if like the scriptures say, the wicked
being called to repentance, will be forgiven.

I don't know what to write other than this was really
hard for me...

I had to tell her to forgive him, so that she can move forward, and stop being a victim to his words, the harm that he caused her. The childhood that he took from her in that she is not free to be outside in front of her home without thinking about what he said to her, what he did to her childhood, her innocence.

I am so angry. I feel so sad and frustrated. I feel like a hypocrite. I tell my daughter to forgive him, but I don't know if I can. I am so ANGRY that she has hurt this way, that I haven't realized how much she was hurting, or that he had harmed her. I feel like an awful mother, to have allowed someone to victimize my daughter and I didn't do ANYTHING about it. I can't believe that half of her life she has carried this burden.

I looked at the picture of the Savior holding a woman. In comfort, peace and love, healing. I have this picture in my front room. I told my daughter to trust in his love and willingness to take this pain from her. That she didn't have to carry this burden around. That she could be free from it. To let it go, and give in not another thought. And as I heard these words I thought, WTH am I saying. Seriously. WHAT THE HECK....I can't even do this...I haven't been able to fully forgive. I haven't given the awful memories, flashbacks. I haven't had the faith, the hope that I can fully heal.

I am tired tonight...but had to get this out.
Thanks for listening....I will see where I am tomorrow,
after sleep heals my heart, hopefully.....g'nite.


Just Be Real said...

My dear Mile, I am so very touched to read this blog and to know you as a blogger friend. Your writing and deep meaning and pain always touched my heart, as the realness of you comes out! It is so hard to fathom God's love and let alone His forgiveness for anyone. Especially the ones that have caused our pain! I certainly can understand all of your emotions that you are experiencing now. I encouage you dear one, to keep writing it down and sharing with us all. Glad you were able to browse other blogs and see the different levels of life. Blessings and safe hugs to you as you continue on your healing process along with Jesus!

Barbaloot said...

Wow, I cannot begin to fathom the things you've been through, and now are feeling because of your daughter! I'm so sorry. I admire your ability and courage to face it and to be willing to accept what the Savior can do in our lives if we let him. Not everyone seems to have that understanding. Thank you for sharing and reminding me that he does.

Broken Child said...

Forgiveness is such a hard thing to talk about when you're a victim. A priest once told me, "Yes, God will forgive anything that any person does, but to gain that forgiveness one has to seek it and people with evil in their soul will not seek forgiveness."

I don't think I will ever be able to forgive the people who abused me. But I believe I can move on and make my life worthwhile without forgiving. Justifiable anger can drive people do change the world.

LarryG said...

to comprehend the completeness of the love of God can bring some angst into our hearts, yet, the one desire of the ultimate power of the universe, is "union" with creation.
what extremes God goes to for that union!
this is a lovely post thank you for sharing your heart.

Anonymous said...

Your blogs always touch my heart. I am glad to be back and reading them! Going through radiation right now, so it's wearing me out!

I hope you are doing ok...I think of you often! *hugs*


Saving Grace said...

Sometimes we say things to our children to protect them, and to do what you you think is best for your daughter. It isn't easy.
You're amazing in your strengh and faith.
Take care of you ~ Grace

Marj aka Thriver said...

I'm glad you took a day just for you, but I'm sorry about your daughter's fear and pain. Try not to be too hard on yourself about it. I think what you told her--to forgive him so that SHE could move on and no longer be a victim of him and the hurt he caused her--was very good. You did a good thing there.

April_optimist said...

Big ((((hugs)))) to you and your daughter. What a gift you are giving her, helping her let go of her anger and fear!

I believe that all harm is done out of the hurt and self-loathing felt by those who hurt us. If they knew their connection to the Divine, that they are loved, they wouldn't need to hurt us. I know that was true for my abusers.

Big, big (((hugs))) and prayers for you and your daughter.

Just Be Real said...

Mile, stopping by thinking about you.

Safe Hugs

mile191 said...

thanks everyone...i am here, and something deep in me is....sad, I don't want to be sad, I want to be thankful, and enjoy the beautiful world that is awaiting my exploration...but I am.... maybe not sad, maybe just wondering, and worried, and weary....

but know that I have a great deal of gratitude, love, and hope. I will write soon. I am sorry for the long wait....

Hugs to you all for your comments and support.

mile 191, still....

VICKI IN AZ said...

I love the artwork.
The picture of Jesus feet and the woman is always one of my favorites.
Glad to know you like it too.

who I was, who I am, who I plan to be...

i am trying to heal from severe childhood sexual, emotional,
physical, and mental abuse; and abandonment.

this is my story.

i have good and bad days, and some days the odds seem insurmountable.
i cling to the hope that healing will come to mend the shatter pieces of my heart, mind and body.

mile 191, well, you will understand as you read along.
mile 191, portions of my past have a link on the top right.
mile 191, bottoms up. hears to you and to me.

please, if you know me, just let me know you found me. i need honesty. (and please do not use personal names)
if you want to follow my story, please try to heal with me.
if you want to share with me, please do.
i will post bits of my pain as i can, and leave it here.
i once thought that i would publish...i haven't had the courage.

this is my closet, you are welcome to come in.
just know this is my refuge, healing takes place here,
maybe it will be a refuge to you too.

Quotes from Suvivors United - Standing Strong Together Against Abuse

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.
Eleanor Roosevelt

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
Helen Keller

Success is not to be measured by the position someone has reached in life, but the obstacles he has overcome while trying to succeed.
Booker T. Washington

When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard, ' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'
Sydney Harris

Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.
Richard L. Evans

Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.
Joshua J. Marine

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thanks CORNUT32! ♥

What a sweet award....and thanks for creating something so wonderful that can be passed along to bloggers who are indeed making a difference by sharing their lives.

I invite all my faithful and dear blogger friends to take this award. You indeed have made a difference in my life.

Thank you so much for being with me on my journey to heal....mile 191