it's late...

I have been thinking a lot about the comments and supportive direction that I read. Thank you.

I decided today to spend the day...for me.

It went pretty well. First I browsed blogs and felt that I was influenced and impressed by each of you. I left many comments regarding how your posts touched me and reached my soul.

I appreciated that I
could peek into your lives,
and that your words would
make me a better person today.

I read about gratitude,
about keeping busy,
finding a project to fill the time,
about renewal,
about sacrifice,

I read about suffering,
flashbacks,
snoring....,
unwelcome memories,
hope and healing,
courage,

about depression,
about wrestling with our thoughts

strength,
creating memories,
good memories,
replacing the yucky nightmares
with new memories,

and then again their is pain,
and suffering,
and grief,
and torment..

..each of us is in a different
stage of healing,
but we are here together.

With hope, and faith,
and a willingness to open up
the worst of our worst,
and share with others

in HOPE of HEALING.

I definitely don't know where I am tonight with my faith.

???

We had Family Home Evening,
a night that we spend together,

we sing,
we read scripture,
we tell stories,

we sometimes go out,
bowling,
taking a walk,
flying a kite,
visiting elderly people in our neighborhood.

we talk about our freedoms,
the people serving our country,

we talk about politics,
and the economy,

and our goals for our family,

we pray,
and we have a treat...which tonight brought me many smiles...

during our scripture story and lesson,

[we talked about Jonah and the whale,

if you want me to post the story, please leave me a comment,
I would be happy to summarize the story for you.]

my daughter asked:

"Does that mean that God will
even forgive the mean guy
that said he was going to shoot
me in the head?"

Okay...I was stunned.

Here we were talking about how God forgives all of us, even the wicked,
if they are willing to repent of their misgivings.

She was so struck by the thought that this mean guy,
who when she was about 6 or 7, walked past our house,
and told her he was going to shoot her in the head.

could be forgiven....OUCH!

The guy was really mentally disabled,
I doubt he has thought twice about what he
said to this little girl.

But that moment was so scarring to her,
she has never forgot it,
and she often is scared to
be outside alone.

I looked at my daughter
and realized she is a VICTIM.

She is a victim because I have never helped her
to have power over this experience,
to overcome it.

And now she wants to know if God will really forgive
this mean guy. This guy that she has loathed, and feared.

Much like we do with our abusers.
We fear them,
we
have flashbacks,
nightmares,
fears, horrid fear.

I didn't know if I could really address this.

If I tell her yes, he will be forgiven, I have to accept
that my abuser will be forgiven.

that what he did to me will be forgiven and he will
be equal to me in God's eyes, as worthy of his love
and his forgiveness, if like the scriptures say, the wicked
being called to repentance, will be forgiven.

I don't know what to write other than this was really
hard for me...

I had to tell her to forgive him, so that she can move forward, and stop being a victim to his words, the harm that he caused her. The childhood that he took from her in that she is not free to be outside in front of her home without thinking about what he said to her, what he did to her childhood, her innocence.



I am so angry. I feel so sad and frustrated. I feel like a hypocrite. I tell my daughter to forgive him, but I don't know if I can. I am so ANGRY that she has hurt this way, that I haven't realized how much she was hurting, or that he had harmed her. I feel like an awful mother, to have allowed someone to victimize my daughter and I didn't do ANYTHING about it. I can't believe that half of her life she has carried this burden.





I looked at the picture of the Savior holding a woman. In comfort, peace and love, healing. I have this picture in my front room. I told my daughter to trust in his love and willingness to take this pain from her. That she didn't have to carry this burden around. That she could be free from it. To let it go, and give in not another thought. And as I heard these words I thought, WTH am I saying. Seriously. WHAT THE HECK....I can't even do this...I haven't been able to fully forgive. I haven't given the awful memories, flashbacks. I haven't had the faith, the hope that I can fully heal.



I am tired tonight...but had to get this out.

Thanks for listening....I will see where I am tomorrow,

after sleep heals my heart, hopefully.....g'nite.