come into my closet, come under my bed, where you'll find me hiding,
the fear in my head.

abuse in the past, now, where do i start, making my future,
healing my heart.

crushed, and broken, falling fast-
needing comfort, make it last.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Overwhelmed by your support... ♥

...I really am. Thank you ♥

When you feel sad, alone, whatever melancholy feelings that you have; that you hide from family, from friends, I come here, I read your words, and I think, there are angels, there are miracles, there are lovely people who for no other reason, no need to have to care, but do, because they are amazing and thoughtful, and truly the kindest of kind that ever lived. They are you. Thank you. I am doing well.

I had a fabulous weekend with my little family. Sweet as they all are. I began to fall apart a bit on Saturday night, and then Sunday. I realized that I was having a physical, mental, emotional anxiety reaction to spending some time with some of my extended family.

I still have issues with my neglectful and negligent father.

I love him, I really do, but why????

He has never been there for me,
he has missed so many important times in my life.

He didn't protect me.

He abandoned me.

When my kids have hard times,
I try to teach them what I think works.

I tell my daughter, my children,
focus on the positive,
remember the good in things,
there is good in all things,
you can find something...

... and don't look back,
don't look at the bad or disappointing parts.

All parts of life,
have happiness,
all parts of life have sorrow.

That said I was tucking my boys into bed,
each of them asked if I would snuggle.

That is my favorite part of my "job",
to snuggle.

I guess I need it as much as them,
for the answer is nearly always yes.

I went into their room
and my youngest had his new story book
on his pillow.

It was 10:10 pm by then,
after a long and wonderful day,
a Memorial day bar b que,
yard work, shopping,
playing catch
kind of day...

I didn't see anything wrong with reading a book before bed.

So I read,

then I tucked him into bed, tickled his back,
cuddled, snuggled, prayed, and kissed goodnight.

I stepped down the ladder of the bunk, and...

onto cuddle with my older, yet still young,
ten year old....

He wanted his back tickled,
but said, I will tickle yours first.

As I layed their and he tickled my back,
I had a memory.

When I was a very young girl,
my parents were still married,
we lived on the farm...

...all seemed so well.

My dad, my father,
would come tuck me in
from time to time.

The kind of tucking in a child should have,
not the kind I would soon be trauma to,

As my father would lay their,
I would sometimes scratch his back,
he was always tired from a long day of work,
and then a long evening of work on the farm,

he would fall asleep,
my mom would call on the intercom
and have me wake him up so he could
come up to bed.

I chuckled as I remembered this very fun,
very fond,
very wonderful memory.

A good memory, to replace some of the bad....

I told my boy about it,
then tickled his back
while he fell asleep.

I have so much to think about.

This is the story that I read
my son.

I find no mistake in my reading it.
Their daddy usually reads the
bedtime stories,

but this one,

this one, I needed:
I share it with you.

I knew you could!
And you knew it, too---
That you'd come out on top
after all you've been through.

And from here you'll go farther
and see brand-new sights.
You'll face brand-new hills
that rise to new heights.

I wish I could show you
the stops that you'll visit,
But that isn't my choice
to make for you, is it?

Instead, I can tell you
some lessons and tales
That I've learned and relearned
in my time on the rails.

First of all, you must find your own track,
So you can start right away
and not be held back.

But which track is yours?
Well, that all depends
On which way it's going,
and where it might end.

Different tracks wind around,
over, under, and through
So pick out the one that works best for you.

Though the track you start out on
will feel like "the one,"
You might take a few more
before you are done.

And now, with your eyes
on your new destination,
Start up your wheels and
roll out of the station.

On your new trip,
you'll make plenty of stops,
In deep river valleys
and on high mountaintops.

Some will surprise you
and some will be planned.

And you'll roll through each one saying,
"I think I can."

You'll go through tunnels,
surrounded by dar,
And you'll wish for a light
or even a spark.

You might get scared
or a little bit sad,
Wondering if maybe
your track has gone bad.

So here's some advice
to help ease your doubt:

The track you took in
must also go out.

So steady yourself
and just keep on going---

Before you know it,
some light will be showing.

And then you'll be out,
heading to a new place.

You'll be ready for the next
tunnel you face.

Okay, this is just the beginning five or so pages...
I will type more later...I must sleep, my eyes
are scratchy, tired, and weepy...
but for good, not so much for sad.

Hope to you all,
that your memorial day
was all that you desired.

Bless you who served our country,

and you who sacrificed loved ones for us,

and those of you who know someone who did.

For much is given, much is taken, much is required.

Thank you ♥

Bless you all.


Just Be Real said...

This was so neat to read! I remember that book, The Little Engine That Could from my youth also. I guess, that encouraging book will always be around!!

Glad you had a good weekend dear despite the falling apart (which is totally understandable). I am sure it was very difficult seeing and dealing with people that hurt you.

You are very brave and I am glad to know you dear one. Blessings and safe ((((hugs))))

SapphireDreams said...

Hiya! My thoughts and prayers are with you. I hope that you find some time in your day to take care of yourself and allow yourself to feel the feelings. Im learning these things little by little too. Safe ((hugs)).

Prayer Girl said...

Hi Mile,
I have not forgotten you. In fact, I pray for you always.

I am grateful you are able to bring to your mind a loving, comfort memory of you and your dad on the farm when you were young.

Keep that memory as a snapshot that will never fade. No matter what went before or after, that snapshot does not change.

God bless. I'm so glad you had a wonderful Memorial Day.

Prayer Girl

VICKI IN AZ said...

What a beautiful thing to have a happy memory like that.
Actually overwhelming, the Tender Mercy that you would receive a gift like that and share it with us I am now prompted to write down those sweet memories that come for me also.

who I was, who I am, who I plan to be...

i am trying to heal from severe childhood sexual, emotional,
physical, and mental abuse; and abandonment.

this is my story.

i have good and bad days, and some days the odds seem insurmountable.
i cling to the hope that healing will come to mend the shatter pieces of my heart, mind and body.

mile 191, well, you will understand as you read along.
mile 191, portions of my past have a link on the top right.
mile 191, bottoms up. hears to you and to me.

please, if you know me, just let me know you found me. i need honesty. (and please do not use personal names)
if you want to follow my story, please try to heal with me.
if you want to share with me, please do.
i will post bits of my pain as i can, and leave it here.
i once thought that i would publish...i haven't had the courage.

this is my closet, you are welcome to come in.
just know this is my refuge, healing takes place here,
maybe it will be a refuge to you too.

Quotes from Suvivors United - Standing Strong Together Against Abuse

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.
Eleanor Roosevelt

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
Helen Keller

Success is not to be measured by the position someone has reached in life, but the obstacles he has overcome while trying to succeed.
Booker T. Washington

When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard, ' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'
Sydney Harris

Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.
Richard L. Evans

Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.
Joshua J. Marine

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thanks CORNUT32! ♥

What a sweet award....and thanks for creating something so wonderful that can be passed along to bloggers who are indeed making a difference by sharing their lives.

I invite all my faithful and dear blogger friends to take this award. You indeed have made a difference in my life.

Thank you so much for being with me on my journey to heal....mile 191