come into my closet, come under my bed, where you'll find me hiding,
the fear in my head.

abuse in the past, now, where do i start, making my future,
healing my heart.

crushed, and broken, falling fast-
needing comfort, make it last.

Saturday, May 30, 2009

from April optimist....

from her post Connections and Changes:

"Are there changes happening in YOUR life? Are you able to see what's good about them—even if they are challenging and/or hurtful in the moment? I hope so. I hope that every day brings you reasons to smile and small moments of joy. I hope that no matter what the past may have been for you, that you are at least beginning to see wonderful possibilities for yourself in the future."

thank you for this. I am pondering and reflecting on the changes that must be happening in my life and the lives of many of my loved ones....

challenging and hurtful..
...changes are so hard...

I have hope for wonderful possibilities to replace the pain...

and still thinking about what she said to me,
about those who victimize us,
it is true, but so hard to comprehend....
"If they knew their connection to the Divine,
that they are loved,
they wouldn't need to hurt us."

Friday, May 29, 2009


something about the number seven haunts me today....

seven months since my grandmother passed away...

seven years since....

seven...the number of children i should have had...

seven is the song number on my play list....dont... the song that
has a haunting hurtful message

seven was the age i was when i was last innocent...

talk about a drought.. and a flood. tears, emotions, finally emerging.

and here i am, again dumping....the hurt pain. the anger, the grieving...

[okay, i left for a bit....visiting others...Eli wrote this about grief:

Of course we'd also hit the basics.
The five stages of grief
– denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance.

It's funny how you can hear this stuff over and over, think you're so emotionally intelligent, and then completely miss what's going on in your own life. Until your therapist points it out. So part of recovery is facing the grief of loss, even when the losing is intentional, as in letting go of your addictions and the people who've dragged you down.

This helped me. Thanks.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

easy silence

Do you ever go to someones blog and just stay there for a while?

Visit, hang out, watch their videos, listen to their playlists....

peoples music tells a lot about them.

mine does

if you listen to my music, either Mr. B and Me
[playlist at the bottom]

or my closet...[playlist at the side]
if you are here, want to read,
want to listen to the music...
pop out the player,
[click the pop out button
on the bottom of the player ♥]

then the music wont be
interrupted all the time
as you travel my pages...

my playlists: both were created
with my open heart bleeding
with passion, emotion, truth.

they are part of my resume. who i feel i am, i was, i wish.

Today: today i am having a hard time,
listening to the voices in my head,
struggling with my inner fight,

to stay away from the negative

the strangling agony of loneliness
that I feel in a crowd.

will everything be fine????

what about those I love???

why do I have to hurt so bad

I keep telling myself to hang on, stay strong...
what is wrong with me...

I put the easy silence video on here....for a while....
[click on the video
to listen to the music]

this video/song means much to me

as i drove to date night, uncontrollable sobbing......
somehow Mr. B was able to calm me
thank God for him

thank God for him

he certainly does keep the world at bay....

for me.


children loose their youth to soon
watching war made us immune

i've got all the world to loose

i just want to hold on to the easy silence

the peaceful quiet that you create for me

the easy silence

please, can the war in my head just cease.
please, can those i love have peace.
please, can i somehow have hope to ease....

their pain.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009


click on the picture to take
you to the video....cant be embedded
Not Ready to Make Nice
lyrics below

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I'm not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I'm still waiting

I'm through with doubt
There's nothing left for me to figure out
I've paid a price
And I'll keep paying

I'm not ready to make nice
I'm not ready to back down
I'm still mad as hell and
I don't have time to go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
'Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is you think I should

I know you said
Can't you just get over it
It turned my whole world around
And I kind of like it

I made my bed and I sleep like a baby
With no regrets and I don't mind sayin'
It's a sad sad story when a mother will teach her
Daughter that she ought to hate a perfect stranger
And how in the world can the words that I said
Send somebody so over the edge
That they'd write me a letter
Sayin' that I better shut up and sing
Or my life will be over

I'm not ready to make nice
I'm not ready to back down
I'm still mad as hell and
I don't have time to go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
'Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is you think I should

I'm not ready to make nice
I'm not ready to back down
I'm still mad as hell and
I don't have time to go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
'Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is you think I should

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I'm not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I'm still waiting


well, for me right now i feel that my soul is naked. i am baring it to you, it is creeping and eeping out of me every moment.

last night was date night...

we had some issues come up with our children, things that hurt them...
...not things they did, but things done to them, pain inflicted upon them by trusted adults; an aunt, a teacher....maybe i am sharing too much...

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I'm not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I'm still waiting

why....forgive....that is so easy to say

forget....that takes so much....

how much time.....why the waiting....

I'm through with doubt
There's nothing left for me to figure out
I've paid a price
And I'll keep paying

It's a sad sad story when a mother will teach her
Daughter that she ought to hate...

Life brings so much that we each have to suffer. So many trials, so many issues, so many emotions, so many feelings of inadequacy, so many consequences, so.....WHY, why do we instigate hate in our world....

I'm not ready to make nice
I'm not ready to back down
I'm still mad as hell and
I don't have time to go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
'Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is you think I should

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I'm not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I'm still waiting...

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Overwhelmed by your support... ♥

...I really am. Thank you ♥

When you feel sad, alone, whatever melancholy feelings that you have; that you hide from family, from friends, I come here, I read your words, and I think, there are angels, there are miracles, there are lovely people who for no other reason, no need to have to care, but do, because they are amazing and thoughtful, and truly the kindest of kind that ever lived. They are you. Thank you. I am doing well.

I had a fabulous weekend with my little family. Sweet as they all are. I began to fall apart a bit on Saturday night, and then Sunday. I realized that I was having a physical, mental, emotional anxiety reaction to spending some time with some of my extended family.

I still have issues with my neglectful and negligent father.

I love him, I really do, but why????

He has never been there for me,
he has missed so many important times in my life.

He didn't protect me.

He abandoned me.

When my kids have hard times,
I try to teach them what I think works.

I tell my daughter, my children,
focus on the positive,
remember the good in things,
there is good in all things,
you can find something...

... and don't look back,
don't look at the bad or disappointing parts.

All parts of life,
have happiness,
all parts of life have sorrow.

That said I was tucking my boys into bed,
each of them asked if I would snuggle.

That is my favorite part of my "job",
to snuggle.

I guess I need it as much as them,
for the answer is nearly always yes.

I went into their room
and my youngest had his new story book
on his pillow.

It was 10:10 pm by then,
after a long and wonderful day,
a Memorial day bar b que,
yard work, shopping,
playing catch
kind of day...

I didn't see anything wrong with reading a book before bed.

So I read,

then I tucked him into bed, tickled his back,
cuddled, snuggled, prayed, and kissed goodnight.

I stepped down the ladder of the bunk, and...

onto cuddle with my older, yet still young,
ten year old....

He wanted his back tickled,
but said, I will tickle yours first.

As I layed their and he tickled my back,
I had a memory.

When I was a very young girl,
my parents were still married,
we lived on the farm...

...all seemed so well.

My dad, my father,
would come tuck me in
from time to time.

The kind of tucking in a child should have,
not the kind I would soon be trauma to,

As my father would lay their,
I would sometimes scratch his back,
he was always tired from a long day of work,
and then a long evening of work on the farm,

he would fall asleep,
my mom would call on the intercom
and have me wake him up so he could
come up to bed.

I chuckled as I remembered this very fun,
very fond,
very wonderful memory.

A good memory, to replace some of the bad....

I told my boy about it,
then tickled his back
while he fell asleep.

I have so much to think about.

This is the story that I read
my son.

I find no mistake in my reading it.
Their daddy usually reads the
bedtime stories,

but this one,

this one, I needed:
I share it with you.

I knew you could!
And you knew it, too---
That you'd come out on top
after all you've been through.

And from here you'll go farther
and see brand-new sights.
You'll face brand-new hills
that rise to new heights.

I wish I could show you
the stops that you'll visit,
But that isn't my choice
to make for you, is it?

Instead, I can tell you
some lessons and tales
That I've learned and relearned
in my time on the rails.

First of all, you must find your own track,
So you can start right away
and not be held back.

But which track is yours?
Well, that all depends
On which way it's going,
and where it might end.

Different tracks wind around,
over, under, and through
So pick out the one that works best for you.

Though the track you start out on
will feel like "the one,"
You might take a few more
before you are done.

And now, with your eyes
on your new destination,
Start up your wheels and
roll out of the station.

On your new trip,
you'll make plenty of stops,
In deep river valleys
and on high mountaintops.

Some will surprise you
and some will be planned.

And you'll roll through each one saying,
"I think I can."

You'll go through tunnels,
surrounded by dar,
And you'll wish for a light
or even a spark.

You might get scared
or a little bit sad,
Wondering if maybe
your track has gone bad.

So here's some advice
to help ease your doubt:

The track you took in
must also go out.

So steady yourself
and just keep on going---

Before you know it,
some light will be showing.

And then you'll be out,
heading to a new place.

You'll be ready for the next
tunnel you face.

Okay, this is just the beginning five or so pages...
I will type more later...I must sleep, my eyes
are scratchy, tired, and weepy...
but for good, not so much for sad.

Hope to you all,
that your memorial day
was all that you desired.

Bless you who served our country,

and you who sacrificed loved ones for us,

and those of you who know someone who did.

For much is given, much is taken, much is required.

Thank you ♥

Bless you all.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

real eeee me....

response to my commentors:
Blogger mile191 said...

thanks everyone...i am here, and something deep in me is....sad, I don't want to be sad, I want to be thankful, and enjoy the beautiful world that is awaiting my exploration...but I am.... maybe not sad, maybe just wondering, and worried, and weary....

but know that I have a great deal of gratitude, love, and hope.

I will write soon.

I am sorry for the long wait....

Hugs to you all for your comments and support.

mile 191, still....

Monday, May 11, 2009

it's late...

I have been thinking a lot about the comments and supportive direction that I read. Thank you.

I decided today to spend the day...for me.

It went pretty well. First I browsed blogs and felt that I was influenced and impressed by each of you. I left many comments regarding how your posts touched me and reached my soul.

I appreciated that I
could peek into your lives,

and that your words would
make me a better person today.

I read about gratitude,
about keeping busy,
finding a project to fill the time,
about renewal,
about sacrifice,
I read about suffering,
unwelcome memories,
hope and healing,

about depression,
about wrestling with our thoughts

creating memories,
good memories,

replacing the yucky nightmares
with new memories,

and then again their is pain,
and suffering,
and grief,
and torment..

..each of us is in a different

stage of healing,
but we are here together.

With hope, and faith,
and a willingness to open up
the worst of our worst,
and share with others

I definitely don't know where I am tonight with my faith.


We had Family Home Evening,

a night that we spend together,

we sing,
we read scripture,

we tell stories,

we sometimes go out,

taking a walk,
flying a kite,
visiting elderly people in our neighborhood.

we talk about our freedoms,
the people serving our country,

we talk about politics,
and the economy,

and our goals for our family,

we pray,

and we have a treat...which tonight brought me many smiles...

during our scripture story and lesson,

[we talked about Jonah and the whale,

if you want me to post the story, please leave me a comment,

I would be happy to summarize the story for you.]

my daughter asked:

"Does that mean that God will
even forgive the mean guy
that said he was going to shoot
me in the head?"

Okay...I was stunned.

Here we were talking about how God forgives all of us, even the wicked,
if they are willing to repent of their misgivings.

She was so struck by the thought that this mean guy,
who when she was about 6 or 7, walked past our house,

and told her he was going to shoot her in the head.
could be forgiven....OUCH!

The guy was really mentally disabled,

I doubt he has thought twice about what he
said to this little girl.

But that moment was so scarring to her,
she has never forgot it,
and she often is scared to
be outside alone.

I looked at my daughter
and realized she is a VICTIM.

She is a victim because I have never helped her
to have power over this experience,
to overcome it.

And now she wants to know if God will really forgive

this mean guy. This guy that she has loathed, and feared.

Much like we do with our abusers.
We fear them,

have flashbacks,
fears, horrid fear.

I didn't know if I could really address this.

If I tell her yes, he will be forgiven, I have to accept
that my abuser will be forgiven.

that what he did to me will be forgiven and he will
be equal to me in God's eyes, as worthy of his love
and his forgiveness, if like the scriptures say, the wicked
being called to repentance, will be forgiven.

I don't know what to write other than this was really
hard for me...

I had to tell her to forgive him, so that she can move forward, and stop being a victim to his words, the harm that he caused her. The childhood that he took from her in that she is not free to be outside in front of her home without thinking about what he said to her, what he did to her childhood, her innocence.

I am so angry. I feel so sad and frustrated. I feel like a hypocrite. I tell my daughter to forgive him, but I don't know if I can. I am so ANGRY that she has hurt this way, that I haven't realized how much she was hurting, or that he had harmed her. I feel like an awful mother, to have allowed someone to victimize my daughter and I didn't do ANYTHING about it. I can't believe that half of her life she has carried this burden.

I looked at the picture of the Savior holding a woman. In comfort, peace and love, healing. I have this picture in my front room. I told my daughter to trust in his love and willingness to take this pain from her. That she didn't have to carry this burden around. That she could be free from it. To let it go, and give in not another thought. And as I heard these words I thought, WTH am I saying. Seriously. WHAT THE HECK....I can't even do this...I haven't been able to fully forgive. I haven't given the awful memories, flashbacks. I haven't had the faith, the hope that I can fully heal.

I am tired tonight...but had to get this out.
Thanks for listening....I will see where I am tomorrow,
after sleep heals my heart, hopefully.....g'nite.

black. black bile: in medieval times considered to be one of the four humors of the body, to come from the spleen or kidneys, and to cause gloominess, irritability, or depression. the condition of having, or the disorder supposed to result from having, too much black bile. sadness and depression of spirits. a tendency to be sad, gloomy, or depressed, sad, sober musing, pensiveness.

I am pretty sure that I have mentioned in the past that I love words. I
find even more pleasure in understanding words and where they come from, and where they are going...

That said, today the word that I thought described me well was melancholy. I decided to look it up. My understanding of my feelings is enough sometimes to spear me in a better direction.

I feel melancholy.


I don't really know. The weather is taking a turn for the better, the flowers are blooming, the breeze blows the sweetness of blossoms from the trees in the back, and down the street. The dandelions [a favorite of mine] are fully blooming.

I am blessed.

I know that I am.

I have much to be grateful for,
and little to be melancholy about.

That is unless you take in to account my nature.

My nature to care for others, to have deep concern, and worry, and trepidation at the thought of suffering. Not my suffering, but that of those around me, and strangers in my midst. I worry. I fret, I cause myself great anxiety over things that I can do nothing about.

Nothing, that is, besides pray. I can pray, I can have HOPE, I can have faith.

Today, I am melancholy about a lot of things.

Today, I will spend more time in prayer, and contemplation.

Today, I will recognize the blessings that depend on me, and I will put aside my melancholy, lest it be considered depression again, and I will do unto others in all the ways that I can.

Today, I hope for each of you that all is well with you. That you are not alone, that you have the help and support that you need.

If you are here, you have my support.

I have been away again for a bit, but I am back. I have missed much of what is going on with each of you; readers, bloggers, friends. I hope to step into your world again, and find a way to lift and be with you on your journeys to heal. Thanks for being here on mine.

Monday, May 4, 2009

My Son's Baptism

What a beautiful day for our son!
He chose to be baptized.
I say CHOSE, because even
at eight years old
in our church
they choose, or don't choose.

The night before he wasn't sure,
I told him that he didn't have to
and that choosing to be baptized
only meant that he believed that
his Father in Heaven loves him.

That he could make mistakes,
he could be forgiven,
and that he was part of
a group of people

who believed the same things.

He slept on it.

I am writing these things because
I am truly full in heart today.

This day was about our son.

But here "in my closet",
I come to write about me.

I enjoyed the day,
with my family,
and some wonderful friends.

But there were TOO many missing.

My loved ones,
those who have been there for me.


My sister,
my cousin,

So, here, I grieve, missing you.

It was a beautiful day.

Yet, I cried a lot.
I cried Sunday, all day...
my heart is overflowing.
This picture is me with my sisters,
three of them.
Missing is my sweet baby sister,
missing is my cousin, 1427.17--

Days, when I am wistful
for those who are
not here...

sister, cousin


I miss you. I love you.

This picture was taken following
our church meetings.

My son was tired,
he was tender.

He and I had tears.
And looking into his eyes,
the only solution
was to snuggle.

A nap,
a moment of peace,

He is amazing,
and it is for him,
my baby,
my oldest son,
my daughter,
my middle boy
my sweet husband.... life, laughter
light, love of living.

...for them, I choose to heal.
For me, I choose to heal.

Sunday, May 3, 2009


THanKs Just Be Real, for the award...what an amazing accomplishment to be acknowledged by so many of you for what....for writing my story and trying to pull my self up out of despair.

I really should be THANKING all of you, for being here for me, and yet, I get appreciated. I do think this community of friends is the most amazing thing that I have come into, as you come into my closet and you cry with me and laugh with me and pray with me, and give me hope, and encouragement.

WOW, thanks, everyone.

And THANKS Just Be Real,
for your expression of kindness.
What an adventure we are on,
and I am there with you. ♥♥

I have been MIA for a bit, off and on. Still have one paper due, and a FINAL on MOnDaY. I also have my little boy being baptized Saturday, so my family, my home, my schooling is getting all my attention. I hope to get enough done today to have a DATE night with hubby.

I have pictures from snorkeling...I will post soon. Under the water is such an amazing life and community....I wish to find the time to write my feeling here about it.

Just BREATH!!!!
I keep telling myself today...
I am pretty stressed...
and that can lead to things
I am trying to avoid.

Thanks again everyone.
Best wishes for today's success...

And most important...if you can pray for my brother in law. His Grandson fell off a ladder, he is about 14, he is unconscious still, since yesterday, convulsing and vomiting.

Pray for him, his parents, loved ones. We are hoping for him to wake up, and show signs of healing.

My love, my admiration for each of you, safe hugs and wishes!

Friday, May 1, 2009

"Is that your Baptism coat???"

First: Thank you everyone for your sweet comments and prayers on behalf of my brother in law's grandson. He woke up, he is doing much better. He will have to go home to complete CAUTION and not jar his head for quite a bit of time. They say it was quite miraculous that he wasn't paralized or brain damaged further. He is still trying to recall what happened. But doing better. The family thanks us for the prayers that quite certainly pulled him and them through this. Thank you!!!

Just to clarify, YES, son #4 did leave the house this way, but how am I suppose to notice things like this so early in the morning. I am good if I get them fed, homework in bags, teeth brushed, hair combed - optional-

...So , after school I take a look at the little gangster that is wandering over to my car...I think, I wonder who that is. On closer inspection of course I noticed that he was mine!!!

No problem. We have MANY suit coats...he looked a little cute.He gets home and I ask him to put his things in his room. I follow him in and he is hanging his coat up.


"Is that your suit for your Baptism Day????"

"Yes, I wanted to show my friends what I would be wearing...."

Okay, so the only thing I am worried about now is: Do the shorts go with his coat....TOMORROW. We will see.

who I was, who I am, who I plan to be...

i am trying to heal from severe childhood sexual, emotional,
physical, and mental abuse; and abandonment.

this is my story.

i have good and bad days, and some days the odds seem insurmountable.
i cling to the hope that healing will come to mend the shatter pieces of my heart, mind and body.

mile 191, well, you will understand as you read along.
mile 191, portions of my past have a link on the top right.
mile 191, bottoms up. hears to you and to me.

please, if you know me, just let me know you found me. i need honesty. (and please do not use personal names)
if you want to follow my story, please try to heal with me.
if you want to share with me, please do.
i will post bits of my pain as i can, and leave it here.
i once thought that i would publish...i haven't had the courage.

this is my closet, you are welcome to come in.
just know this is my refuge, healing takes place here,
maybe it will be a refuge to you too.

Quotes from Suvivors United - Standing Strong Together Against Abuse

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.
Eleanor Roosevelt

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
Helen Keller

Success is not to be measured by the position someone has reached in life, but the obstacles he has overcome while trying to succeed.
Booker T. Washington

When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard, ' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'
Sydney Harris

Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.
Richard L. Evans

Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.
Joshua J. Marine

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thanks CORNUT32! ♥

What a sweet award....and thanks for creating something so wonderful that can be passed along to bloggers who are indeed making a difference by sharing their lives.

I invite all my faithful and dear blogger friends to take this award. You indeed have made a difference in my life.

Thank you so much for being with me on my journey to heal....mile 191