come into my closet, come under my bed, where you'll find me hiding,
the fear in my head.

abuse in the past, now, where do i start, making my future,
healing my heart.

crushed, and broken, falling fast-
needing comfort, make it last.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

something to work on

i decided that before i get into any more of the trash
that i seem to be writing so much about
that i needed to seriously listen to the advice that i have been given.

it seems easier for me to write the story, those are just facts.

the hard part is how i feel about the story.
this next part has to be me doing something with the something to work on:

Have you abandoned yourself in the same way your mother abandoned you? Find some genuine examples of such self-abandonment.

Are you neglecting yourself the same way both your mother and father neglected you?

Again, find some genuine examples of such self-neglect. By reliving your memories of the abuse over and over in your mind, can you understand that your unhealthy thoughts are in a sense sexually abusing you each and every day, in spite of the fact that you are no longer physically experiencing that abuse?

here goes:

Yes, i think that i HAD abandoned myself. in so many ways. i don't think that i could really be honest with anyone, because i felt that to be honest i had to fully disclose myself, and not being able to do that i just abandoned who i am and took on a psuedo, pretending to be happy, faking it through life routine. i was making it, house in order, doing the mom and wife thing, but inside falling apart. and then distancing me from anyone who wanted to really love me because i felt that they don't really know me how can they love me.

i think that as i am trying to heal that i am picking up that little broken child from the depths of hell, brushing off the burns, bandaging the bruises, and really trying to mesh together the person that i have been with the person that i want to be, without abandoning all the things about me that i personally don't like. those things are a part of who i am and have to be a part of who i will be.

ignoring the parts of me means that the sum doesn't add up to much.

this is all i can do right now. i dont think my thoughts are together too much. i feel like i am forcing myself to even think and write something, so in that regard i shut down and don't feel anything. i am really good at faking, and this feels like i am faking my healing now.

i don't know. maybe i just need to leave it alone for a bit.

and try again later. same questions, different day.


LulaBelle said...

This is completely just my opinion, so take it for what it's worth-

It is my belief that you shouldn't force yourself to think or write about the bad. You will know when you're ready. Please take it slow. It is very dangerous to force yourself to deal with things you are not ready to deal with.

I care about you, and I want you to be ok.

Gabriella Moonlight said...

I would agree with LulaBelle, just give yourself the time and space, you'll know when you're ready and when you're not that's a signal to just take care of yourself!

Take care,

Psych Client said...

Wow whoever gave you that advice hit something in me too. Although, I agree with the other commenters we can't force it.

Just keep blogging Mile then go back and re-read. I learn from that myself. I'm here if you need me

AlkySeltzer said...

Another "agree-er" here. Thanks to
LulaBelle (pretty name!)...

"At the end of the day" honesty is usually a good idea. I "lied when even the truth would have sufficed.." I do not lie any more, and do not know when that finally happened.

Honesty involves RISK. Risk that you might get to 'know' me (and I do not wish that yet.) Risk that you may not "APPROVE" of me. (And I want full approval ALL the time!!) And a big risk, that you will not LIKE (or ever, even) LOVE me. And the 'God' in me will not tolerate THAT...

So I gave it time, until I was ready to take some risks with you-all, until I thought I could handle that. (I KNEW I could not handle DRINKING any more).

I could ONLY figure this all out, with ADULT SUPERVISION (that's what I call a "sponsor"). The adult had to know me well, know EVERYTHING...and then he could help me through the risks, which were only half as difficult, as they might have been.

There might be a message there, maybe not, but know that you are loved and prayed for greatly. This is NOT a good time of year for those early in sobriety, of which you are one. Soooooo....

Stay close, either to US bloggers, or to an AA group, or to a sponsor, or to (last resort? -grin) your Higher Power, whatever you may call that. You could choose to stay close with ALL of the above!!!!!


mile191 said...

thank you. all of you. i need someone right now and you are fulfilling that someone. and i do believe there is a higher power, even guiding me to do this journal, and to write my story. i do well when i write about the past. i don't do well when i write about how i feel today about the past. that seems to have to come natural.

i just really loved and appreciated the advice that was given me and didn't want to be ungrateful this time of year by not doing something with it.

i think i will keep it in the back of my mind, and go back to it. i do need to hear what she said. it was kind and powerful, and touched me so as i read it.

but what i am getting from each of you, checking on me and cheering me on, is enough for now. i have to get this story out, and leave it here. i think going back and reading it helps too. each time that i do i am flooded with thoughts, and maybe that is when i need to write. that might be the way to my healing. your feedback is so essential to me right now.

i appreciate you all. that is what i am thankful for.

right now i think i will post about thanksgiving. and leave the rest alone.

Shadow said...

i wrote about self-abandonment not too long ago. it's what i've been doing, over and over again during my life. now that i'm aware of it, it's becoming harder to do. just be realising that that is what i do. i hope the same happens to you too. it's time to let yourself heal.

who I was, who I am, who I plan to be...

i am trying to heal from severe childhood sexual, emotional,
physical, and mental abuse; and abandonment.

this is my story.

i have good and bad days, and some days the odds seem insurmountable.
i cling to the hope that healing will come to mend the shatter pieces of my heart, mind and body.

mile 191, well, you will understand as you read along.
mile 191, portions of my past have a link on the top right.
mile 191, bottoms up. hears to you and to me.

please, if you know me, just let me know you found me. i need honesty. (and please do not use personal names)
if you want to follow my story, please try to heal with me.
if you want to share with me, please do.
i will post bits of my pain as i can, and leave it here.
i once thought that i would publish...i haven't had the courage.

this is my closet, you are welcome to come in.
just know this is my refuge, healing takes place here,
maybe it will be a refuge to you too.

Quotes from Suvivors United - Standing Strong Together Against Abuse

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.
Eleanor Roosevelt

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
Helen Keller

Success is not to be measured by the position someone has reached in life, but the obstacles he has overcome while trying to succeed.
Booker T. Washington

When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard, ' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'
Sydney Harris

Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.
Richard L. Evans

Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.
Joshua J. Marine

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thanks CORNUT32! ♥

What a sweet award....and thanks for creating something so wonderful that can be passed along to bloggers who are indeed making a difference by sharing their lives.

I invite all my faithful and dear blogger friends to take this award. You indeed have made a difference in my life.

Thank you so much for being with me on my journey to heal....mile 191