that i seem to be writing so much about
that i needed to seriously listen to the advice that i have been given.
it seems easier for me to write the story, those are just facts.
the hard part is how i feel about the story.
this next part has to be me doing something with the something to work on:
Have you abandoned yourself in the same way your mother abandoned you? Find some genuine examples of such self-abandonment.
Are you neglecting yourself the same way both your mother and father neglected you?
Again, find some genuine examples of such self-neglect. By reliving your memories of the abuse over and over in your mind, can you understand that your unhealthy thoughts are in a sense sexually abusing you each and every day, in spite of the fact that you are no longer physically experiencing that abuse?
Yes, i think that i HAD abandoned myself. in so many ways. i don't think that i could really be honest with anyone, because i felt that to be honest i had to fully disclose myself, and not being able to do that i just abandoned who i am and took on a psuedo, pretending to be happy, faking it through life routine. i was making it, house in order, doing the mom and wife thing, but inside falling apart. and then distancing me from anyone who wanted to really love me because i felt that they don't really know me how can they love me.
i think that as i am trying to heal that i am picking up that little broken child from the depths of hell, brushing off the burns, bandaging the bruises, and really trying to mesh together the person that i have been with the person that i want to be, without abandoning all the things about me that i personally don't like. those things are a part of who i am and have to be a part of who i will be.
ignoring the parts of me means that the sum doesn't add up to much.
this is all i can do right now. i dont think my thoughts are together too much. i feel like i am forcing myself to even think and write something, so in that regard i shut down and don't feel anything. i am really good at faking, and this feels like i am faking my healing now.
i don't know. maybe i just need to leave it alone for a bit.
and try again later. same questions, different day.