come into my closet, come under my bed, where you'll find me hiding,
the fear in my head.

abuse in the past, now, where do i start, making my future,
healing my heart.

crushed, and broken, falling fast-
needing comfort, make it last.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

breaking the silence

i am trying so hard to speak out. i hope that if you are reading this, i am not making your pain worse. i saw that some of you who are writing to heal post a trigger warning, and yes, i understand why. i went to bed last night; after drawing my profile, after i read some, and i broke again. i felt my pain, i felt pain for you. i don't want to be silent. i have to say something. i have to write, my secrets, i want to shout them, to finally admit to myself that i have a reason to feel the way that i do inside. i have to break the silence. because this is no way to live.

everyone who meets me thinks i can do anything. i feel like i should be institutionalized, and yet, i function. i raise a family, i am a wife. i serve in my community, i volunteer at my kids school. i am going to school for my own education. i draw, i write, i read. i clean house, and yet i can never get out from under the clutter. i save everything because once someone took something from me and i could never get it back. i forget everything, i block my life out as i am living it. so if i hang on to everything, no one can take it from me, maybe i will not forget. it is an awful way to live. full of anxiety, depression, stress, and tears. i sleep in my fears, i wrestle with my own inadequecies. i hate living.

i am tired of being told i am doing great, you're fine. if that is so true then why don't i believe it. i don't feel fine, i feel broken.

All at once, the world can overwhelm me,
there's almost nothin' you could tell me,
that would ease my mind. ---jack johnson
which way do i run...


Kim said...

I just came across your blog from your comment posted on Tamara's blog. I can sure relate to so much of what you're talking about. Especially the part about people who meet you thinking you can do anything when you feel like you're falling apart. Boy, am I in touch with that.

mile191 said...

thanks kim. thanks for reading me.

Strong and determined said...

I am reading you right now. I can SO relate. I am so sorry for your pain. It is amazing all that you can do while still being broken inside, isn't it? The truth is that you are strong and you are a fighter, otherwise you would not be doing 'all that you do' and be able to maintain. I don't say that to lessen your pain, or brush aside all that you are going through. I just sense such strength of spirit when I read your posts. Thank you for sharing a part of yourself that most people don't know about, and possibly wouldn't understand. I know exactly how that feels. (((HUGS)))

mile191 said...

thank you, strong and determined, thanks for letting me know you were here. and for your words, a strength to me today, as there is much i should be doing, but can't bring myself to muster up the courage to do. i just want to crawl back into darkness, a dreamless state, and sleep. i will try to find the strength you read in me, and do something better, knowing that someone, for the right reasons, thinks i can.

who I was, who I am, who I plan to be...

i am trying to heal from severe childhood sexual, emotional,
physical, and mental abuse; and abandonment.

this is my story.

i have good and bad days, and some days the odds seem insurmountable.
i cling to the hope that healing will come to mend the shatter pieces of my heart, mind and body.

mile 191, well, you will understand as you read along.
mile 191, portions of my past have a link on the top right.
mile 191, bottoms up. hears to you and to me.

please, if you know me, just let me know you found me. i need honesty. (and please do not use personal names)
if you want to follow my story, please try to heal with me.
if you want to share with me, please do.
i will post bits of my pain as i can, and leave it here.
i once thought that i would publish...i haven't had the courage.

this is my closet, you are welcome to come in.
just know this is my refuge, healing takes place here,
maybe it will be a refuge to you too.

Quotes from Suvivors United - Standing Strong Together Against Abuse

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.
Eleanor Roosevelt

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
Helen Keller

Success is not to be measured by the position someone has reached in life, but the obstacles he has overcome while trying to succeed.
Booker T. Washington

When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard, ' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'
Sydney Harris

Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.
Richard L. Evans

Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.
Joshua J. Marine

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thanks CORNUT32! ♥

What a sweet award....and thanks for creating something so wonderful that can be passed along to bloggers who are indeed making a difference by sharing their lives.

I invite all my faithful and dear blogger friends to take this award. You indeed have made a difference in my life.

Thank you so much for being with me on my journey to heal....mile 191