come into my closet, come under my bed, where you'll find me hiding,
the fear in my head.

abuse in the past, now, where do i start, making my future,
healing my heart.

crushed, and broken, falling fast-
needing comfort, make it last.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008


this time of year brings so much up for me. i know i have written about this before which made me not want to write about it again, for the sake of anyone who would think, she said that already.

then i realized that i have the kindest people reading my healing journal. and if anyone did say that i could do what AlkySeltzer said and just "reject" the comments.

I think that in itself gave me power. and got me thinking.

no one can hurt me that i don't allow to anymore.
it is up to me.

if someone wanted to leave a nasty comment,... who knows, maybe my family would find this and being upset they would want to comment something irrational to me but justified to them,
or Bob, my abuser, my step-dad, who knows, he could even find it.

What would i do with that? hummmm.

but to know that i can say no, i can reject anything that is not positive and helpful to my healing...thank you for that.

and, i write for me to heal, and i thank YOU for reading me. You all are my person. i appreciate you so much

saying no. my baby sister and i were talking today about how hard it is to say no. when you are raised in such a dominant environment, where the lashings come quickly, and the abuse is so abusive. you don't learn that you have a choice; in anything.

even whether or not you want to go somewhere for thanksgiving. people beg, plead, manipulate you into a corner and then you give in. and then you beat your own self up about not saying no, and sticking to it, and even though tomorrow hasn't come and you could just not go,

you know you will go because you have been bullied.

have i told you before how badly i hate bully's.

i told my sister she ought to call and say the answer was no every time that you asked, but you had to molest my answer and push me into saying yes. i am uncomfortable with you thinking that you can bully me into coming to a family dinner.
NO IS NO. and then just don't go.

easy for me to say, hard for me to do.

tomorrow i will be having thanksgiving with my adopted (foster) family.
I usually have an orphan thanksgiving at my own home.
it has been easier for me to do the dinner,
be in charge, and be in charge of who I invite.
rather than being at the mercy of the events of these family holidays.

this year i feel strong enough and i am going to go.

behind this strength i do feel a bit vulnerable.
not that my pain is what will be hard to deal with, but the pain of my family.

this is the time of year when my adopted mom died.
i have written about it as I explained why i write mile 191.

i talked to my foster sister yesterday. she is really depressed and not sure how she is really dealing with the events of thanksgiving, and the holidays in general.
her mom, my mom, was always in St. Benedict's, or jail, or passed out at the holidays.

she, my sister, told me that she is having a harder time than usual this year.

my adopted moms birthday is the 29th, saturday.
it is also the day that she died, although the coroner put her death date on the 28th, so we didn't feel so bad. how that helps i still don't know.

today, the 26th is the day that she left.
it was thanksgiving. she had too many drugs, again. there was a fight.

i was so confused. this family had been taking care of me.

they had been loving me, security, a haven from all that i had been through.

and now, this haven, was crumbling around me

when she left,

she took the family that i knew them to be with her.

she left on thanksgiving. she died on her birthday. we buried her on december 3rd,
it was a brisk, beautiful, cold day.

but the pain is still there, there is no burying the pain and destruction that has been left behind.

and thanksgiving will bring many of those pains to surface again. for my sisters, for my dad, for my brother, for me.

thanksgiving should be about gratitude.
i want to be able to focus on the things that i am thankful for.
i have, in my world of pretending.
of maintaining my good person persona.
i am happy, i express gratitude, i help others.

then i come to my closet,

and i fall apart,
bleeding all my emotion,
the pain.
the suffocation of darkness,
and no where to hide.

terror awaits, as night comes again.

and tomorrow, i will face new light, the day, what will it bring.
more memories, writing about my dreams, my secrets.

no one can hurt me unless i allow them to.

i have the courage to choose healing.

i will see tomorrow with a fresh perspective, focus on gratitude, and write, as Amy does...

Today, I am thankful for... YOU. ♥


mile191 said...

sometimes when i post something and then see it it makes it so real. because it is no longer just my secret.

i remembered something as i read that he, my abuser, could see this.

anyone wondering? he is still out there. no consequences for what he did.

i found out yesterday that if i got a good attorney that i could still prosecute him.

now, i have spent literally thousands of dollars with attorneys who have told me statute of limitations is up, no you can't prosecute anything...blah blah blah. and now i find out that i can still charge him.

he was charged once, and got away with it, and the abuse continued. as a child, a hushed child, i lived with years more....

oh, this is so hard.

anyhow. if only...


Write, write, and write some more. Write as much as you need to for as long as you need to - to get the pain and horrible things done to you "OUT" of your insides. It's like a wound that needs to heal from the inside out.

You are healing among friends and people who can identify with your pain even if their specific situations were different.

If you ever get a comment that disturbs you - just hit "REJECT".
Believe me, you don't even have to even read the whole thing.
There is a guy who likes to harass the AA is Michael or Patrick or Mickey or a combination thereof. When I see his name, I read no further, and hit "REJECT". I have choice today.

God bless your day tomorrow.

AlkySeltzer said...

Hey girl, I did comment on this post, but it got lost(ed)...or was it tossed out in error? But all I can say is "it WAS good" Ha! no Ego or Pride THERE, right? -grin-

Truthfully, all I can say is, "It was LOOOOOONG!" And I ain't got time to do it again. maybe friday--we'll be in Tampa tomorrow (Thursday).

NOTE: I call my long blogs "Blongs", so as to warn people to grab a cup of coffee before starting to read....GOTTA GO!

Peace to you tonight, tomorrow, and as much as God and you will allow
yourself. And love.....from us!

Atiyanna said...

I am so glad that you stopped by my blog. I feel your pain my dear. Sending love and energy your way.

Shadow said...

writing is healing. i got me through those real dicey days of my dependency. and many others that were just plain not nice. and now, writing is bringing me pleasure too. who'd have thought... you go girl, you have so much spunk! don't ever let anyone take that away from you!

who I was, who I am, who I plan to be...

i am trying to heal from severe childhood sexual, emotional,
physical, and mental abuse; and abandonment.

this is my story.

i have good and bad days, and some days the odds seem insurmountable.
i cling to the hope that healing will come to mend the shatter pieces of my heart, mind and body.

mile 191, well, you will understand as you read along.
mile 191, portions of my past have a link on the top right.
mile 191, bottoms up. hears to you and to me.

please, if you know me, just let me know you found me. i need honesty. (and please do not use personal names)
if you want to follow my story, please try to heal with me.
if you want to share with me, please do.
i will post bits of my pain as i can, and leave it here.
i once thought that i would publish...i haven't had the courage.

this is my closet, you are welcome to come in.
just know this is my refuge, healing takes place here,
maybe it will be a refuge to you too.

Quotes from Suvivors United - Standing Strong Together Against Abuse

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.
Eleanor Roosevelt

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
Helen Keller

Success is not to be measured by the position someone has reached in life, but the obstacles he has overcome while trying to succeed.
Booker T. Washington

When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard, ' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'
Sydney Harris

Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.
Richard L. Evans

Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.
Joshua J. Marine

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thanks CORNUT32! ♥

What a sweet award....and thanks for creating something so wonderful that can be passed along to bloggers who are indeed making a difference by sharing their lives.

I invite all my faithful and dear blogger friends to take this award. You indeed have made a difference in my life.

Thank you so much for being with me on my journey to heal....mile 191