come into my closet, come under my bed, where you'll find me hiding,
the fear in my head.

abuse in the past, now, where do i start, making my future,
healing my heart.

crushed, and broken, falling fast-
needing comfort, make it last.

Friday, November 28, 2008

hope, love, peace in the path and comments: YOU

as i commented to a few of you who read me i realized that this is where i am finding my healing. through the web of friendship and support. my comment to steveroni was so profound to my healing and i really wanted to remind myself by posting this, that i am healing. (i hope it is okay for me to share, hope, wow - to think that is the name steveroni gave me.)

me, hope, to steveroni and prayer girl, who are there every step with prayers and thoughts:

Hey, i am back. I wanted to say thanks for the prayers and the love, i love my new name(s). hope and loive. so sweet.

thank you for being so kind.
i am doing better than i thought, the holiday. even surrounded by the pain, we felt it together, as a family yesterday....and NOOO drinking. I couldn't believe it. I was such a pessimist, lost in the past.

We had the best holiday as a family, ever. Even with feeling the sadness of 20 years.

today i learned my uncle passed away last night. It was time for him. I am sad, but don't feel devistated. that is good.

I posted some awful stuff. i actually scheduled it to be posted, while I was out. Seeing it today hurt a lot. But not as much as I thought it would. I feel bad that it is there, for everyone to read, but the pain for me isn't as bad as in the past. i think that is healing. thanks for giving me a place to ramble on about my feelings today. and for the friendship via the web.

and thanks for the prayers at Mile 191. that was so thoughtful. I usually hold my breath as I pass them. to think that you, a stranger, would pray for me. and that you would think of me. means the world. thanks.

i didn't think that our holiday would go very well, with all the pain that comes from losing my foster mom 20 years ago. the day was better than i could have imagined. it started with my older sister calling me, crying, hurting about the loss of our mom. i told her how proud i was that she would express her pain, pain that has been stifled this long. i told her she wasn't alone, i would be there.

we cried, we talked, then we laughed, we danced, we ate, we played. it was amazing.

it showed me that by talking, by writing, by opening up about the hurt, the devistation, YOU CAN HEAL.

yesterday was good, no fighting. both my sisters, my brother, my dad, all the grandkids; we had an amazing day together. i am not trying to sound cheesy, but when you are used to painful, bad holidays, this was really a better day.

and the talking we did....which brings me to writing. as bad as my writing gets, the painful memories. I do have HOPE that it will heal me to no keep so much in my closet.


to patty after writing Thanksgiving Blues, which shows such strength with all she has been through.

me to her:

this is an amazing post. i especially love the quote about when it gets dark 
enough you can see the stars.

my posting is in the darkest point. and yet, as i am writing the stars i see are 
those of you who let me know that you are there and that i am not alone.

that is what i have felt, but now, after reading your post, i also feel more 
heavenly about it.

we are not alone. as hard as it is for me to write what i do, i am so thankful 
that i can, i can give it to God in a sense, and i can give it to those who God 
sent here to be my angels.

quote from her post [thanks for letting me borrow it]:
"When it gets dark enough, you can see the stars" Charles A. Beard

"If I so chose, I can regard everything that happens in my life as a gift from
which I can learn and grow. Today I will find something positive hidden within a
difficult situation and allow myself to be grateful. I may be surprised at how
much a little gratitude can help."

i have much to be thankful for.


to amy, who gave me an award today. an award that made me realize that i can turn Mile, into Smile.

turning my mile, my hope, my healing into SMILE.

thanks, you gave me more than an award.

i will keep writing my story, but my hope for healing will come with more of a smile. thanks for you. little things that make you think, ponder, reflect and heal. those little things that you do become the really big things in my life that are helping me to heal. love ♥

comments are love through the lines. and as today i have found peace in the path that i am part of i appreciate your amazing words, and that i can be a part of your journeys as well.

here's to all of you, and a final thought from prayer girl, thanks:

God has the power to heal even the most horrific of experiences. It will take patience, persistence, and time on your part. I believe you have all of these. You do your part and GOD will do the rest.



How sweet of you and what a great idea to use our comments on your blog to write a blog. I think it is a beautiful thing to do.

I hear so much gratitude in this post. Gratitude that this Thanksgiving was not like so many in the past and that there was "hope" in the day. Gratitude for the love, prayers, thoughts, and support you are receiving.

God is good. God loves you so much. Prayer Girl sends her love too.

steveroni said...

OMG, what can I say, Hope? Only this...that when one is helped by God, Who works through another, that 'other' is helped maybe even more.

As God's strength passes through one to another, some of that Power is left behind in the tunnel where it passed through.

It then becomes a habit--to be of service to others--because of the good sh*t it produces in MY life. And so we keep on keeping on, as the world turns around once more.

Anonymous said...

This post really got me teared up. I am so grateful our paths have crossed, I am also very glad that you had a nice day with your family. Fantastic! I really hesitated before posting that blog, because I did not want to be all negative and feeling sorry for myself, but I have to remember that I am first and foremost doing this for ME, and by just being ME and then having touched you, makes me very happy! Lest we forget that Tabitha is the one that posted that meditation in the first place. What an awesome chain of events!

Shadow said...

you ARE a perfect example of the ability to heal. and when i saw steveroni name you 'hope', i had to smile. you are hope personified!

Anonymous said...

Sounds like you have great friends! I am happy for you!!

si tu veux said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
mile191 said...

thank you. these friends, all of you, are from God. I started this journal this month, trying desperately to find a way to release all that i keep bound up in me. even my husband is reading it. he notices how wonderful you all are to support me during this time, and even though he already knew much of this he sees the strength that i seem to have to boldly share stuff that i have never had the courage to do. THANK you all. you are great friends. who I have only come to know this month, but gives me much HOPE to know that God really didn't mean for any of us to be alone but to help each other along in our pain and trials. THANKS.

Hope ♥

Strong and determined said...


I admire your strength as you embark on your journey of healing, and I'm so glad there are others here to draw close to you when you need support.

God does have the power to heal, and you are an amazing person -so remember that as you go about your day, doing all that 'needs' to be done!

LulaBelle said...

I'm glad you had a pleasant holiday. You can heal, you seem to be on the right path. I'm glad.

Amysplash said...

thank you my sweet friend iam so glad you like the award i made it myself and thank you for the title for my art work love ya hugs amy

in time out said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
mile191 said...

you are welcome, and thank you everyone. tonight i don't have much to write, kind of melancholy, so i just thought i would see how you all are doing.

i noticed that the captcha, word verification on this says

butheal: seriously....i see the connection, but heal. to heal. that is such a sign that i can not ignore. Heal; that is what this journey is about. I am thankful.

who I was, who I am, who I plan to be...

i am trying to heal from severe childhood sexual, emotional,
physical, and mental abuse; and abandonment.

this is my story.

i have good and bad days, and some days the odds seem insurmountable.
i cling to the hope that healing will come to mend the shatter pieces of my heart, mind and body.

mile 191, well, you will understand as you read along.
mile 191, portions of my past have a link on the top right.
mile 191, bottoms up. hears to you and to me.

please, if you know me, just let me know you found me. i need honesty. (and please do not use personal names)
if you want to follow my story, please try to heal with me.
if you want to share with me, please do.
i will post bits of my pain as i can, and leave it here.
i once thought that i would publish...i haven't had the courage.

this is my closet, you are welcome to come in.
just know this is my refuge, healing takes place here,
maybe it will be a refuge to you too.

Quotes from Suvivors United - Standing Strong Together Against Abuse

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.
Eleanor Roosevelt

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
Helen Keller

Success is not to be measured by the position someone has reached in life, but the obstacles he has overcome while trying to succeed.
Booker T. Washington

When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard, ' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'
Sydney Harris

Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.
Richard L. Evans

Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.
Joshua J. Marine

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thanks CORNUT32! ♥

What a sweet award....and thanks for creating something so wonderful that can be passed along to bloggers who are indeed making a difference by sharing their lives.

I invite all my faithful and dear blogger friends to take this award. You indeed have made a difference in my life.

Thank you so much for being with me on my journey to heal....mile 191