come into my closet, come under my bed, where you'll find me hiding,
the fear in my head.

abuse in the past, now, where do i start, making my future,
healing my heart.

crushed, and broken, falling fast-
needing comfort, make it last.

Monday, November 24, 2008

night terrors - waking up dead

i know that night terrors are generally reserved for children; being that i am a child broken inside i think that it is fitting to tell of one of my many dreams that drives me mad, and is my realization that i am not doing okay.

i also want to say that i really appreciate the world of blogger, for the friends that i feel i have made to help me to heal, who care about me.

amysplash thanks for coming and reading me often, i feel that you are there every day, from the beginning of this journey to heal.

psych client: you have so many kind things to say, and you are sharing your story, it is hard for you, i know, but thanks.

other commenter's: marj aka thriver, lulubelle, strong and determined, kim-one tough cookie, Hi there=), trying to stay calm, cassandra, and andrea.

you here, are my friends. you know the worst things about me, and yet you keep coming back.

I do laugh. I live, and I love. to some degree we all have to. but dealing with what is going on inside is critical. especially when you get to the point i am. feeling hopeless and helpless, feeling that if i don't stop faking my life i will wake up someday dead.

so here goes. thank you psych client, for your post, for bringing out this dream.
i read you and really thought thankful thoughts,
to not be alone in my nightmare, my pain anymore.

this is something that i need to write about,
reading yesterday made me restless,
until i get it out i fear no sleep, only more night terror in sight.

my recurring dream

i am going about my life, taking care of my four kids, being a wife. going to school, sweeping, dishes, vacuuming, volunteering, smiling at family parties. you know, what we do when we are faking that we are okay.

i keep having this dream, the one that is like when i was a child, my mom has abandoned me again, in the hospital. i keep reliving the pain of being left behind at 16. the abuse now stops, i should be happy to be left behind, but i can't stop worrying about my baby sister. i want to be with them, even if i have to keep dealing with the abuse.

it is so suffocating.

i am trying to be a good mother. i love my kids, i think, do i really know what love is?

this dream i am going through the motions, doing all that is expected of me.

then it happens. an earthquake.

this dream is so real.

i can feel the shaking, the trembling. the horror. my kids are scared. i feel to protect them from their fear, the possible pain, the suffering. i gather them. i think going to the porch will be the safest. come on, we will be okay. i pull them into my arms.

the trembling gets worse, the shaking, the noise, the chaos.

i hold them, i protect them. i bring them in closer.

and then i tell them, not much longer. it's almost over, i say.

the blackness comes. we have died. the end is in site.

or is it.

in my dream, i wake up. in a hospital.

the room is stark white. am i dead, i wonder.

i begin to feel abandoned.

then i realize, no, i am in a psych ward. i have been institutionalized.

i didn't experience an earthquake at all.

i am the earthquake.

the kids come in, my husband tells them,

"it's okay, just for a moment.
mommy will be fine. just come love her."

they come in, i see the fear in their eyes.

they don't want to see me.

i don't blame them. i fell apart. i quit. i broke, i gave up.

i abandoned them. i am my mother.

this is my recurring dream. the dream that sent me back to therapy.

only to be told that i didn't need medication. i was strong. i was doing fine.
for someone that had been through all that i had i was doing fine.

who the fuck are they to tell me that i am fine?

they don't know me. ask my husband, ask my kids. this system is so screwed up.

then i go to another therapist to be told that he can't handle my shit.

isn't that what he went to school for.

no, he spent time with girls locked up in a psych ward, he knows what messed up is, but he can't handle my story. my mile 191, my ramblings, he has to take a break, he says. he is physically and emotionally sick at the words that i have imposed upon him.

well, no wonder i am so messed up. even my therapist abandons me.

where am i suppose to turn.

can't get meds for depression.

can't get therapy.

i am not willing to start drinking.

i have turned to you. cyber world, for my healing, i have turned to you nice people out there, you who are suffering, who have suffered. thank you for reading me, and for letting me know that you are there. i appreciate you more than you know.


LulaBelle said...

Thank you so much for sharing your life with us. You help inspire me to heal as well.

I look at finding a therapist the same way I look at finding a hairdresser-it may take a few before you find one you like. Don't give up.

Kim said...

I agree with LulaBelle. Don't give up on finding a therapist. Sometimes it takes a while to find the right match. It is frustrating, I know.

You've shared so much in these posts. Thank you for your honesty and courage.

April_optimist said...

Big ((((hugs)))). There are some therapists who aren't right for us and they can't handle hearing what some of us went through. But there are good people out there. As for being told how you are....

We are the experts in how we are. We are the ones who know deep inside what we need. Finding the right therapist will mean finding someone who will listen to YOU and treat you with respect and provide a safe space within which you can work through what happened. And there are such people out there. I know--I found one.

We ARE strong. That doesn't mean we don't hurt or need help.

Anonymous said...

Hey, I saw your URL as a referrer to get to MY blog, WOW, reading this hit home for me. I am a survivor of horrific sexual/mental/emotional abuse by my father. I would like to link to your blog from mine, if that is ok? Please comment at my blog and let me know if you would rather I not link you.

who I was, who I am, who I plan to be...

i am trying to heal from severe childhood sexual, emotional,
physical, and mental abuse; and abandonment.

this is my story.

i have good and bad days, and some days the odds seem insurmountable.
i cling to the hope that healing will come to mend the shatter pieces of my heart, mind and body.

mile 191, well, you will understand as you read along.
mile 191, portions of my past have a link on the top right.
mile 191, bottoms up. hears to you and to me.

please, if you know me, just let me know you found me. i need honesty. (and please do not use personal names)
if you want to follow my story, please try to heal with me.
if you want to share with me, please do.
i will post bits of my pain as i can, and leave it here.
i once thought that i would publish...i haven't had the courage.

this is my closet, you are welcome to come in.
just know this is my refuge, healing takes place here,
maybe it will be a refuge to you too.

Quotes from Suvivors United - Standing Strong Together Against Abuse

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.
Eleanor Roosevelt

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
Helen Keller

Success is not to be measured by the position someone has reached in life, but the obstacles he has overcome while trying to succeed.
Booker T. Washington

When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard, ' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'
Sydney Harris

Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.
Richard L. Evans

Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.
Joshua J. Marine

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thanks CORNUT32! ♥

What a sweet award....and thanks for creating something so wonderful that can be passed along to bloggers who are indeed making a difference by sharing their lives.

I invite all my faithful and dear blogger friends to take this award. You indeed have made a difference in my life.

Thank you so much for being with me on my journey to heal....mile 191